Bad idea?

I non-exclusively dated a girl for about 3 months and really was falling for her hard... she ended things because she was 80% sure she was going to have to move in the summer because her phd advisor was probably going to accept a position at a different university. She said she doesn't do long distance relationships and originally, she asked if I wanted to still hang out because she enjoyed spending time with me. I agreed but later that night, she asked if we could actually put a pin in it and think about it more because she had a bad experience with an ex who moved away and things didn't end well when they reconnected once and hooked up.

So a week later, she texted me saying that she had thought about what we talked about and thought that it'd be best if we didn't continue the relationship. She said she really enjoyed spending time with me but the timing was just too bad and she didn't want anyone to get hurt. She said to let her know if i wanted to meet up to get coffee or drinks to talk more about it but I didn't feel like there was anything more to talk about at that point. She also said that she would be down to hang out platonically before she left but understood if I rather wouldn't, and I told her that I didn't think that was a good idea (I was trying to think logically and be mature), wished her luck and we havent spoken since. This was back in February and although I've seen her around town multiple times, we haven't really spoken at all.

So I saw on social media today that it is 100% confirmed that she will be moving... I still really can't seem to get over her and think about her every day. At the time she told me she was going to have to move, I didn't want to come out and say that distance didnt have to be a problem because I am able to find a job anywhere since I'm not in academia and could always do that if we got to that level, but I felt it was wayyyy too early in our relationship to bring up me moving for her in the future since we weren't even exclusive yet.

I'm not sure when she is actually moving (she will be starting at the new university fall 2019) but now i'm thinking about maybe reaching out to see if she wants to meet up before she goes like she had suggested before... I don't know what my motives are. I know I wouldn't be able to convince her of anything especially with this long of a break in between everything and I know it's naive of me to think i would ever be able to change her mind.

IF I decide to reach out and see if she wants to meet up or hang out, how do I even start a conversation like that? Is this a bad idea?

What would be the point? You two were not in a relationship but you want to offer to move for her. Even though you say you know it's a bad idea, you are hoping to do it anyway, right? But logically, why?

What would be the point? You two were not in a relationship but you want to offer to move for her. Even though you say you know it's a bad idea, you are hoping to do it anyway, right? But logically, why?

Correct. I honestly don't know what the point is which is why i declined meeting up when she ended things because i didn't know what more there was to talk about with ending everything....

Like I said, i don't know what my motives are. I think i want to see her again before she leaves, maybe for closure? But at the same time, a part of me wants to see her again simply because I just want to see her. Clearly i'm not over her and i'm upset about the whole "timing" thing and think that things would be different if she didn't have to move....

I just feel very lost...

Nope, you want to see her because you're hoping she'll say she made a mistake and she wants to give a relationship with you a try.

And she is moving, so wishing she wasn't is just that, wishful thinking.

Look, I know it seems like I'm being mean or a bubble-burster, but I always think accepting reality serves us better than living in fantasy land.

You've been hung up on this casual date for a long time. Are you trying to avoid something? Whenever I have fixated on an impossible situation it's always because I'm trying to avoid facing the real world. What's missing in your life?

You've been hung up on this casual date for a long time. Are you trying to avoid something? Whenever I have fixated on an impossible situation it's always because I'm trying to avoid facing the real world. What's missing in your life?

Curious how this resonates with you, jackie.

My suspicion here is that you actually know exactly what your motives are. You want to get back under her skin, or see if you can get under her skin the way she's under yours. What that looks like, where it goes—yeah, that's all vague, and I think there's comfort in that vagueness because (a) it allows it to all be not-quite-real and (b) it allows you to not quite let go of this and get back to fully living in reality.

No judgment. I've gotten a little fixated on people and, like bolt said, it's generally because there's something else I'm avoiding. Easy to get "obsessed" with the "crazy" girl, or the girl who was "kinda sorta into me" than face...well, whatever it is I don't much want to face. A job I hate. Fear of being alone. And so one. It's weirdly comforting, the obsession, if never satisfying.

I'm not saying don't reach out, don't hang out. It's your life, and you'll do what you need to do. The fact that she's 100 percent leaving—well, I think you like that. Keeps it unreal, surreal, this tension you're enjoying. It's "safe," you know? Wherever reaching out could go—it really can't go anywhere. Maybe you get a little hurt, maybe a little laid, maybe a little bit of both. But in the end the outcome is the same.

I would, however, try to take a moment to isolate those motives. They don't need to be sugarcoated to be "right" or "noble." But just be honest. Do you want to have sex again? Want to leave a "mark?" Do you want one last chance to see if maybe she feels something for you? One last chance to feel a little bit of that pleasurable pain she's given in the past?

Sometimes just isolating that makes the urge go away. Or at least makes the urge less mysterious.

These are all good things to think about. I am hung up on her and what’s missing in my life is the fact that my love life isn’t going the way I want it to.

I really thought she was the one... I feel like it’s hard to find someone else I’m actually attracted to who is also attracted to me. I’m a bi woman but recently find myself leaning more towards women and not men at all. The problem is that most other bi/lesbian woman I don’t find attractive at all(I prefer feminine looking women). And if I am attracted to them, they don’t feel the same towards me. Also the dating pool in my town is extremely small...

I know I can’t change her mind but I have the tiniest hope that I can. I already know I won’t but I feel like I have nothing to lose to try since she is leaving anyway.... but I know I will end up getting hurt in the end regardless.

I would agree it's a bad idea. The overall impression I get from what you post is that she really is not very interested in a relationship with you. You are way more into her than she is into you (sorry). All the things she says and reasons and excuses ... to me it's all a way of letting you down easy. Save yourself a lot of hurt and move on from this one. It aint gonna happen (imo). Find someone who genuinely and sincerely cares about you. This girl does not.

Unfortunately I know you’re all right. Reaching out would be a bad idea... I will hold back on this one.

Unfortunately I know you’re all right. Reaching out would be a bad idea... I will hold back on this one.

Yes I agree. I would hold back by not contacting her at all.

I really thought she was the one... I feel like it’s hard to find someone else I’m actually attracted to who is also attracted to me. I’m a bi woman but recently find myself leaning more towards women and not men at all. The problem is that most other bi/lesbian woman I don’t find attractive at all(I prefer feminine looking women). And if I am attracted to them, they don’t feel the same towards me. Also the dating pool in my town is extremely small...

 

I know I can’t change her mind but I have the tiniest hope that I can. I already know I won’t but I feel like I have nothing to lose to try since she is leaving anyway.... but I know I will end up getting hurt in the end regardless.

Let's focus on these two bolded sentences for a moment.

Gun to head, do you really believe you thought she was the one? After your second date you were already doubting whether she was really feeling you, into you, present and available to be into anything substantive. Same vibes after the third date, after which there was a big pause when she went away for the holidays. Come Valentne's Day nothing had progressed much to change these feelings, and the thing that never became official was officially over shortly after.

In other words, the feeling you have right now—that "tiny" hope that you can "change her mind"—is what this whole thing has been. That's the coal in the engine, powering the train that never really moved. Potential, not actual. Frustration and fantasy and...well, and a woman you find smoking hot and liked having sex with. Hot because of the obvious stuff—she's feminine in a way that boils the blood, touched you in a way that felt ecstatic—but also hot because, for some reason, you are drawn to people who treat you coldly.

The former is totally healthy: hot is hot is hot, and orgasms are lot of fun to have. The latter is a bit curious, worth exploring: a draw to someone who gives you very little—who, the less she gives, the more you're into it. There's something going on there, some crossed wires, and if you can accept that and isolate it you may find the power she has over you—the power your imagination is giving her—will dissolve. You may find that the reason you liked how little she gave you is that is made her less a person than a blank canvas on which you could paint and project all sorts of fantasies.

Easier, in other words, to make statements like "I really thought she was the one" than "Damn, she was just super hot and cool and I got spun around." The first makes it all deep, while the latter means owning some shallowness at play—hormones and hopes more than the fusing of two open hearts.

That's not to say I think this was all just a shallow game. What's "deep" here, I think, is that she represents something profound in your sexual awakening. She's sharpened the focus, moved the compass needle. She's shown you something you may have suspected was already there inside of you—that while you like men and women, you lean more toward women, and certain kind of woman, aesthetically. These sorts of awakenings are great, but they also make us a little lonely—a little raw, like a layer of skin being lifted with more nerves exposed. You feel kind of emotionally naked—and, hey, when we feel naked it's really nice to press up against someone. Feels like shelter.

I hope that doesn't sound harsh or dismissive. I've been in versions of your shoes, and I know the reality of a smaller dating pool, how it can warp the mind in thinking something not so shiny is actually a diamond in the rough. It's hard, no two ways about it. But for what it's worth I've always found, whether I'm living in a small town or a metropolis, that the moment I accept that something needs to be let go is the moment I make space for something better to come along—and it always does.

Let's focus on these two bolded sentences for a moment.

 

Gun to head, do you really believe you thought she was the one? After your second date you were already doubting whether she was really feeling you, into you, present and available to be into anything substantive. Same vibes after the third date, after which there was a big pause when she went away for the holidays. Come Valentne's Day nothing had progressed much to change these feelings, and the thing that never became official was officially over shortly after.

 

In other words, the feeling you have right now—that "tiny" hope that you can "change her mind"—is what this whole thing has been. That's the coal in the engine, powering the train that never really moved. Potential, not actual. Frustration and fantasy and...well, and a woman you find smoking hot and liked having sex with. Hot because of the obvious stuff—she's feminine in a way that boils the blood, touched you in a way that felt ecstatic—but also hot because, for some reason, you are drawn to people who treat you coldly.

 

The former is totally healthy: hot is hot is hot, and orgasms are lot of fun to have. The latter is a bit curious, worth exploring: a draw to someone who gives you very little—who, the less she gives, the more you're into it. There's something going on there, some crossed wires, and if you can accept that and isolate it you may find the power she has over you—the power your imagination is giving her—will dissolve. You may find that the reason you liked how little she gave you is that is made her less a person than a blank canvas on which you could paint and project all sorts of fantasies.

 

Easier, in other words, to make statements like "I really thought she was the one" than "Damn, she was just super hot and cool and I got spun around." The first makes it all deep, while the latter means owning some shallowness at play—hormones and hopes more than the fusing of two open hearts.

 

That's not to say I think this was all just a shallow game. What's "deep" here, I think, is that she represents something profound in your sexual awakening. She's sharpened the focus, moved the compass needle. She's shown you something you may have suspected was already there inside of you—that while you like men and women, you lean more toward women, and certain kind of woman, aesthetically. These sorts of awakenings are great, but they also make us a little lonely—a little raw, like a layer of skin being lifted with more nerves exposed. You feel kind of emotionally naked—and, hey, when we feel naked it's really nice to press up against someone. Feels like shelter.

 

I hope that doesn't sound harsh or dismissive. I've been in versions of your shoes, and I know the reality of a smaller dating pool, how it can warp the mind in thinking something not so shiny is actually a diamond in the rough. It's hard, no two ways about it. But for what it's worth I've always found, whether I'm living in a small town or a metropolis, that the moment I accept that something needs to be let go is the moment I make space for something better to come along—and it always does.

Thank you, I really needed to hear (well, read) this. Your post brought me to tears... I need to work on all these issues. I know things will work our in the end, it’s the letting go of the idea and in between that’s always difficult.

Awww—didn't mean to trigger tears!

Though I'm a big believer that tears are basically where it's at: our humanity, bubbling inside of us, sometimes pushed into the corners, seeking light and oxygen and recognition. Tears are feeling and feeling—the good, the bad, the true—is essentially everything.

Everyone on the planet—gay, straight, kinky, vanilla, liberal, conservative—is chasing the same thing when it comes to romance: big love, big connection, great sex, the intoxicating feeling of being known, seen, accepted, and cherished by another. It's thrillingly safe—even for those into things requiring a "safe word." Sometimes we get exactly that. And sometimes we collide with people who don't give us that but who awaken us, shining light on some dark spots, from desires we didn't know we had to some issues that need some tending to.

There's real beauty in that, something to be grateful for. Some of my most profound relationships have been with women who were utterly wrong for me—something I knew, more or less, from the get go. Still, had to get a little knotted up—and a little hurt—to find the meaning. People don't need to be the "one" to mean a lot, and if you can be honest about what they really mean—a stepping stone, not the summit—there's something like relief and joy even in the sorrow, something very tangible gained by letting go.

So instead of reaching out to her in some hope of realizing a fantasy you know isn't going to happen, and finding yourself back inside a spin cycle you've experienced from every angle, try something even bolder, more vulnerable. Thank her, right now, in your head. Thank her for this chapter, for the information. Thank her for what she's shown you, and for what you're still just beginning to see, and move forward toward that.

It's so scary, I know. But when you do it—and realize, for real, what you already know, which is that it'll work out—something incredible happens. You get stronger, more secure, in your own skin. And more genuinely open.

>>I know I can't change her mind, but have the tiniest hope that I can.

I was actually with ya seeing her until I read this^^. But now I am not so sure, cause this mind frame will only cause more pain and hurt, not to mention it's unrealistic.

If you're gonna see her Jackie, see her with zero expectations and with acceptance that that moment will be your last together, one you can cherish and treasure, learn from as you continue your journey called life.

Do you know the song "Heroes" by David Bowie? It's a beautiful love song, one of my favorites, very powerful.

I can't link it but below are a few lyrics that resonate for me, maybe will for you too.

though nothing, nothing will keep us together

we can beat them forever and forever

or we can be heroes just for one day.

We can be heroes

We can be heroes

We can be heroes just for one day

We can be heroes

If you can see her w no expectations, then have your moment together, enjoy, and treasure the memory. We only have one life.

I would, but your call, best of luck whatever you decide.

I think i want to see her again before she leaves, maybe for closure? But at the same time, a part of me wants to see her again simply because I just want to see her.

I just feel very lost...

You don't need a reason to want to see someone. Reach out and just simply say you want to see her before she leaves. If she says no, at least you tried. If she says yes, just enjoy your last time together. Then get sad, get drunk and listen to "Bad Timing" by Blue Rodeo :)

This too shall pass.

I have been working on having positive thoughts and really just living in the moment. It’s been working well and haven’t thought about her as much.... but today, I saw her during my lunch break run. It looked like she was on a date with another guy (she’s bi as well) and I’m bummed out again. I could be jumping to conclusions and she could be getting coffee with just a friend but I know she’s on dating apps so she very could well be on a date.

I’m trying to stay positive and not let this get to me, but I am upset and it’s hard to stay positive in situations like this

Update to this thread... I happened to take a new job in the town she moved to as I received an offer I couldn’t turn down. Realized she was there a week before I moved but decided not to contact her and really didn’t plan on it or ever running into her.

Well long and behold, I ran into her at a coffee shop a month ago about a week or two after living there and we talked for a bit (super quick catchup) and at the end of the conversation she said that “we should get dinner or something sometime”. People say this all the time so not sure how genuine it was but neither of us have reached out to each other.

Now that we live in the same city, should I reach out seeing if she wants to get dinner sometime? I feel like she should be the one reaching out but am not sure anymore.

I would be interested in seeing if we could start things up again now that we’re in the same location but am hesitant

I don't think her comment was in the category of wanting to start things up again as opposed to a casual acquaintanceship where if she happens to be free you two can hang out.

Update to this thread... I happened to take a new job in the town she moved to as I received an offer I couldn’t turn down. Realized she was there a week before I moved but decided not to contact her and really didn’t plan on it or ever running into her.

 

Well long and behold, I ran into her at a coffee shop a month ago about a week or two after living there and we talked for a bit (super quick catchup) and at the end of the conversation she said that “we should get dinner or something sometime”. People say this all the time so not sure how genuine it was but neither of us have reached out to each other.

 

Now that we live in the same city, should I reach out seeing if she wants to get dinner sometime? I feel like she should be the one reaching out but am not sure anymore.

 

I would be interested in seeing if we could start things up again now that we’re in the same location but am hesitant

Eventually you will start chasing her again and she will keep pulling back. That has been the dynamic since the beginning. If you were happy with that then maybe she will see you at some level as a friend or part-time lover.

I would be interested in seeing if we could start things up again now that we’re in the same location

This reminds me of a platonic woman friend who ghosted me after we'd been friends close to 2 years and met every month or so for lunch -she lived a few blocks from me. I have no idea why she ghosted me. I ran into her one day in the neighborhood while I was on the phone with a friend. I ended the call because she seemed so happy to see me/enthusiastic. We chatted until I had to go pick up my son - I think I followed up with an email based on her enthusiasm. Nothing. I'm sorry I bothered and sorry I ended the call with my friend. So unless this person follows up with you know that had she not run into you she wouldn't have sought you out to chat/get together.

All these responses are true. I know deep down that reaching out is the wrong decision so I won’t.

I know deep down that reaching out is the wrong decision

And that sentence, in a nutshell, kind of sums up a lot this connection, doesn't it? It's a strange thing, totally human, to seek a kind of comfort in something we generally know won't really provide comfort—a little habit we form and then have to go about the business of breaking. Not easy, but much more rewarding, in the end, than indulging in a habit we know "deep down" isn't going to give us what we want.

I recall your story pretty clearly. Hope you've been well, and congrats on the new job and move. All that is much bigger than this, I think, so keep leaning into the former and away from the latter. You'll be thanking yourself sooner than you know.

And that sentence, in a nutshell, kind of sums up a lot this connection, doesn't it? It's a strange thing, totally human, to seek a kind of comfort in something we generally know won't really provide comfort—a little habit we form and then have to go about the business of breaking. Not easy, but much more rewarding, in the end, than indulging in a habit we know "deep down" isn't going to give us what we want.

 

I recall your story pretty clearly. Hope you've been well, and congrats on the new job and move. All that is much bigger than this, I think, so keep leaning into the former and away from the latter. You'll be thanking yourself sooner than you know.

Thanks! Always appreciate your insight and advice :)