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Thread: Bad idea?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Let's focus on these two bolded sentences for a moment.

    Gun to head, do you really believe you thought she was the one? After your second date you were already doubting whether she was really feeling you, into you, present and available to be into anything substantive. Same vibes after the third date, after which there was a big pause when she went away for the holidays. Come Valentne's Day nothing had progressed much to change these feelings, and the thing that never became official was officially over shortly after.

    In other words, the feeling you have right now—that "tiny" hope that you can "change her mind"—is what this whole thing has been. That's the coal in the engine, powering the train that never really moved. Potential, not actual. Frustration and fantasy and...well, and a woman you find smoking hot and liked having sex with. Hot because of the obvious stuff—she's feminine in a way that boils the blood, touched you in a way that felt ecstatic—but also hot because, for some reason, you are drawn to people who treat you coldly.

    The former is totally healthy: hot is hot is hot, and orgasms are lot of fun to have. The latter is a bit curious, worth exploring: a draw to someone who gives you very little—who, the less she gives, the more you're into it. There's something going on there, some crossed wires, and if you can accept that and isolate it you may find the power she has over you—the power your imagination is giving her—will dissolve. You may find that the reason you liked how little she gave you is that is made her less a person than a blank canvas on which you could paint and project all sorts of fantasies.

    Easier, in other words, to make statements like "I really thought she was the one" than "Damn, she was just super hot and cool and I got spun around." The first makes it all deep, while the latter means owning some shallowness at play—hormones and hopes more than the fusing of two open hearts.

    That's not to say I think this was all just a shallow game. What's "deep" here, I think, is that she represents something profound in your sexual awakening. She's sharpened the focus, moved the compass needle. She's shown you something you may have suspected was already there inside of you—that while you like men and women, you lean more toward women, and certain kind of woman, aesthetically. These sorts of awakenings are great, but they also make us a little lonely—a little raw, like a layer of skin being lifted with more nerves exposed. You feel kind of emotionally naked—and, hey, when we feel naked it's really nice to press up against someone. Feels like shelter.

    I hope that doesn't sound harsh or dismissive. I've been in versions of your shoes, and I know the reality of a smaller dating pool, how it can warp the mind in thinking something not so shiny is actually a diamond in the rough. It's hard, no two ways about it. But for what it's worth I've always found, whether I'm living in a small town or a metropolis, that the moment I accept that something needs to be let go is the moment I make space for something better to come along—and it always does.
    Thank you, I really needed to hear (well, read) this. Your post brought me to tears... I need to work on all these issues. I know things will work our in the end, it’s the letting go of the idea and in between that’s always difficult.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Awww—didn't mean to trigger tears!

    Though I'm a big believer that tears are basically where it's at: our humanity, bubbling inside of us, sometimes pushed into the corners, seeking light and oxygen and recognition. Tears are feeling and feeling—the good, the bad, the true—is essentially everything.

    Everyone on the planet—gay, straight, kinky, vanilla, liberal, conservative—is chasing the same thing when it comes to romance: big love, big connection, great sex, the intoxicating feeling of being known, seen, accepted, and cherished by another. It's thrillingly safe—even for those into things requiring a "safe word." Sometimes we get exactly that. And sometimes we collide with people who don't give us that but who awaken us, shining light on some dark spots, from desires we didn't know we had to some issues that need some tending to.

    There's real beauty in that, something to be grateful for. Some of my most profound relationships have been with women who were utterly wrong for me—something I knew, more or less, from the get go. Still, had to get a little knotted up—and a little hurt—to find the meaning. People don't need to be the "one" to mean a lot, and if you can be honest about what they really mean—a stepping stone, not the summit—there's something like relief and joy even in the sorrow, something very tangible gained by letting go.

    So instead of reaching out to her in some hope of realizing a fantasy you know isn't going to happen, and finding yourself back inside a spin cycle you've experienced from every angle, try something even bolder, more vulnerable. Thank her, right now, in your head. Thank her for this chapter, for the information. Thank her for what she's shown you, and for what you're still just beginning to see, and move forward toward that.

    It's so scary, I know. But when you do it—and realize, for real, what you already know, which is that it'll work out—something incredible happens. You get stronger, more secure, in your own skin. And more genuinely open.

  3. #13
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    >>I know I can't change her mind, but have the tiniest hope that I can.

    I was actually with ya seeing her until I read this^^. But now I am not so sure, cause this mind frame will only cause more pain and hurt, not to mention it's unrealistic.

    If you're gonna see her Jackie, see her with zero expectations and with acceptance that that moment will be your last together, one you can cherish and treasure, learn from as you continue your journey called life.

    Do you know the song "Heroes" by David Bowie? It's a beautiful love song, one of my favorites, very powerful.

    I can't link it but below are a few lyrics that resonate for me, maybe will for you too.

    though nothing, nothing will keep us together
    we can beat them forever and forever
    or we can be heroes just for one day.


    We can be heroes
    We can be heroes
    We can be heroes just for one day
    We can be heroes


    If you can see her w no expectations, then have your moment together, enjoy, and treasure the memory. We only have one life.

    I would, but your call, best of luck whatever you decide.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by jackie103
    I think i want to see her again before she leaves, maybe for closure? But at the same time, a part of me wants to see her again simply because I just want to see her.
    I just feel very lost...
    You don't need a reason to want to see someone. Reach out and just simply say you want to see her before she leaves. If she says no, at least you tried. If she says yes, just enjoy your last time together. Then get sad, get drunk and listen to "Bad Timing" by Blue Rodeo :)

    This too shall pass.

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  6. #15
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    Bad idea?

    I have been working on having positive thoughts and really just living in the moment. It’s been working well and haven’t thought about her as much.... but today, I saw her during my lunch break run. It looked like she was on a date with another guy (she’s bi as well) and I’m bummed out again. I could be jumping to conclusions and she could be getting coffee with just a friend but I know she’s on dating apps so she very could well be on a date.

    I’m trying to stay positive and not let this get to me, but I am upset and it’s hard to stay positive in situations like this

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