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She broke up with me over something I did wrong. Feeling awful about it.


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Hey all,

 

My ex broke up with me a few weeks back over something I did and I am beating myself up but also being told by friends and family and 3 doctors that she is using it as an excuse and is over reacting and I did nothing wrong. This is a complicated one. Sorry for the long read.

 

I met her online this time last year and we were together 2 months before she ended it telling me she was gay and only wanted to be with women. When I first met her she said she was bi. We didn’t talk for a few months and after that only once in a while. Then she got back in touch properly in February. We arranged to meet up but she went silent when the day came. We picked up talking again a little later on and she invited me out for the night with her friends. She flirted with me that night and told me that later on.

 

We decided to hangout to see how things went and they went well. We had a talk about what happened after we split the first time. She said she had been depressed and cutting herself and that the being gay thing was a lie. She said she wanted to go off and be a hoe. We made amends and agreed to take things slow. She came to mine a few weeks later and we made out. Continued meeting up etc. She was somewhat reluctant to call me her boyfriend but eventually did. The whole time we were talking she expressed little to no interest in men. Was always talking about women and saying how attractive they are and she enjoyed eyeing up females. She also stared at a girl while she was with me. I’m not sure if she was over her ex who was a girl. She got excited after her ex saw a snapchat of me with the caption date night. Also she told me an attractive woman made her lost for words when she spoke to her.

 

She made a lot of future plans with me and even mentioned marriage and adopting children as she doesn’t want to give birth. She would also send me pictures on her naked body. She did this last year too when we were together. Lots of naked pics. We discussed sex and she said she wanted it rough with choking and hair pulling. We also used to chat on the phone after she finished work and I enjoyed the phonecalls but she rarely asked about me.

 

I helped her move into her new place over one weekend and that went well and she was very grateful. Said she would reward me next weekend with sex. The following weekend I went round for 3 nights and left on the Monday. We had sex every night and it got more intense each night. She had me choking, scratching, biting, pulling her hair, spanking her etc and on the last night we even had anal sex. We went to have sex on the Monday but I couldn’t get an erection and she got pretty aggressive with me. She hit my penis and said “sort it out!” Which made it worse. She also kept telling me to be a man and just her. I just pleased her with my fingers in the end.

 

Anyway I leave Monday night and everything is fine on Tuesday. Called me after work and was completely normal. She also told me she had been spanking a female co workers ass. Wednesday she is a little quieter than normal. She then messages me saying we need to have a serious talk. She said she woke up in the night and I was touching her vagina and she didn’t appreciate it because she was asleep. I said sorry and what had happened was it was morning and I woke up feeling horny. I put my hand down there to try and initiate intimacy with her to get her in the mood. I did it for a little while but after I got no reaction verbally or physically I stopped.

 

She said I had taken it too far and she now doesn’t trust me or feel comfortable around me. She said an ex did the same and it got worse from there. I apologised again and said now I know she doesn’t like it I won’t do it again. I asked for another chance and she said no. Then she asked me to leave her alone for a bit. I left her alone for 4 days and messaged saying we should talk about it. Hours later I get a message saying that I took advantage of her and she doesn’t trust me or feel comfortable around me. She asked me to leave her be and then said goodbye. Deleted and blocked me on Facebook and deleted on Snapchat. I haven’t been blocked on Whatsapp however. That is how we usually communicate.

 

My dad got fed up with me just lying in bed and not eating so he arranged a face to face meeting with her on her lunch break at work. She works in retail in a public place. She came and sat opposite me but one. Her body language was very off with me. She told me what I had done is the absolute worst thing I could of done to her. She said she had rather I had cheated on her than this. She also said if I had done this in 10 years time

or even if we were married she would have reacted the same. I said to her I think I deserve a second chance as I won’t do it again and that i’m sorry but she said a relationship between us isn’t going to happen. I told her how much I care about her and pleaded with her but still she said no. She said she could not consent to it but she must of been awake to be aware of it. Why not just move my hand away or say no?

 

I asked how her friends and family are with me. She said they want to kill me and her sister wants to smack my head in. Her mum blocked me on Facebook and one of her friends has deleted me. That hurt me a lot as I have always gotten on well with her friends and family and they have always spoken highly of me. They said I am disgusting. Only one of her friends apparently said people make mistakes and that I gave her a second chance. Didn’t seem to win her over though.

 

I then asked where do we go from here and she said lets take time away from one another to do our own things and then reach out to one another in the future. She said she forgives me and offered me her friendship. I accepted. She said it may just be the occasional “how are you?” and we will give being friends a go. I can’t remember the next bit word for word but she said something like “I don’t wanna get your hopes up but potentially in the future we could give things another go if the trust is regained.” Definitely something about giving it another go.

 

She then stuck her hand out for me to shake at the end but I wanted a hug. She reluctantly gave me a half hearted hug and then walked off and didn’t look back. I just got up and looked back sadly. Then walked off. Last time I saw her. No contact since. That was Monday 20th May. I just want to get back with her as I know I made a mistake but I would not do it again. I really miss her as we got on so well and had a real laugh together.

 

 

Thank you to anyone who reads all of this. I know it is a lot but I wanted to get it all out because I do feel bad about what I did but I never did it with bad intent. I just wanted to be intimate.

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You need to forgive yourself. What you did was not right but this relationship was doomed no matter what because it was never healthy to begin with. "Rewarding" you with sex is not how healthy relationships work to begin with. It sounds like she is into power games and you should avoid her. She also broke up with you before lying she was gay. She clearly has mental health issues and if it's to the point that she had been cutting herself she is in no condition to conduct a healthy relationship. Imo, you need to stop all contact with her because this is a toxic situation. It does sound like she used it as an excuse just like she told you she was gay in the past. It sounds like you are battling some serious issues of your own. This woman is not in a healthy headspace and cannot be trusted. You need to forgive the situation and move on.

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This girl has serious mental issues.

 

It's not you...IT'S HER.

 

She thinks it's fine to smack your penis and say "sort if out" but you trying to initiate intimacy in the morning is wrong? The the hell is wrong with her?

 

She was abusive and yet you kept taking it and taking it. All the things you described and how she treated you was downright humiliating and degrading.

You really shouldn't have gotten involved with her whatsoever.

 

She's a lesbian and she wanted to experiment with a man, no doubt to try to get over her ex, and she used you.

That's the bottom line.

 

She now realizes that she wants to chase women again, so she has to find a way to dump you and make it your fault. So this is what she decides to do.

 

Honestly, you dodged a bullet.

 

Block, delete and be glad that you got her out of your life.

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I know there might be a lot of different opinions on you waking her up and being sexual, but in my experience, if a couple is okay with that, then there's nothing wrong with it.

 

Loads of couples wake each other up this way.

 

You might have asked but then with how aggressive she's been with you, it's no wonder you didn't know what boundaries there were.

 

I think anyone would have been confused.

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Lucky escape for you my friend. This girl is nuts. I see nothing attractive about her. She's used and abused you.

 

Everything has to be on her terms or you are the bad guy?! Not cool.

 

Block her on WhatsApp and be done with all this nonsense. She needs a therapist and if all this drama is what you enjoy in all your relationships you might need one too.

 

Give her all the space she needs as in forever.

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She has serious issues that have nothing to do with you, OP. They existed before you, and they will exist after you.

 

This relationship wouldn't have survived anyway. Waking her up by groping her wasn't cool, but I guarantee that even if you hadn't done this, you two wouldn't have had a happy ending. She wanted out regardless.

 

She prefers women and she can't keep fighting her instinct about it. There is zero you can do here.

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She's too confused to date. Stay away, stay no contact and delete and block her. Now you are free to date more suitable stable women. Screen to only date/pursue women who are available.

we were together 2 months before she ended it telling me she was gay and only wanted to be with women. When I first met her she said she was bi.
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Thank you everyone for your responses they have helped me to look at this all from a new perspective. The whole situation has really got me down as I feel like I betrayed her trust and upset her. I know my intent was innocent though and I only wanted to initiate intimacy. I do understand it wasnÂ’t a good approach though and wonÂ’t do that again in future.

 

IÂ’m just remembering all the future plans she would make with me and now they wonÂ’t happen. I have been noticing a pattern. She mentioned marriage the first time she was with me and this time again. Also moving in together was mentioned both times. She would say about taking me out to certain places. Restaurants, mini golf, holidays etc maybe all this was said to get me invested.

 

The first time we broke up it was much more pleasant but this time it was done over text and very sudden. I only got a face to face because my dad felt it was the only way to get closure. Been a week now since I spoke to her last. She made sure to make me feel as bad about this situation as possible. Even said it had affected her mental health and she is back to square one. She has been going to work though and out and about with friends and getting on with her life.

 

I do still feel bad about what I did but I feel a better reaction from her would of been to sit down and talk to me about it. I would of listened to her and agreed it wouldnÂ’t happen again. She knows she can trust me but now says she canÂ’t.

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If she wanted out then that is very harsh and confusing for me. I was always good to her. Helped her move out recently. She would call me after work and we’d have such good chats on the phone. We’d text a lot too and we got on very well.

 

She did take a few days before she said anything. Acted normal with me. Like an hour before she broke up with me over text I asked her what she was having for dinner and she responded normally.

 

I think I am still in shock at the sudden break up. Some people have said to me she might be a sexual abuse victim and that is why she reacted like this. Would explain the rough sex too. I literally just woke up. Gently touched her down there for a few minutes and then stopped when no reaction happened. She never said anything at the time. If she had said stop I would of done.

 

Sorry I know this is clear to everyone else but me. I’m just sad at how things ended.

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Look, you are a man trying to work out things logically as we men tend to do but in love there is no logic.

 

She has issues external to you and they existed before you ever met. What they are exactly no one knows but she will need a professional to help her with them.

 

You are going through this stage of a break up where we take blame for things going wrong and then try pleading reasoning and bargaining with ourselves and them but simply she was no longer in love with you and was waiting for you to make a mistake so she could end it without feeling guilty.

 

 

Go easy on yourself and take it slow and things will start to get better.

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I won’t lie trying to work all this out is mentally exhausting. I don’t understand how you could just drop someone like that. I couldn’t do it.

 

Yeah there are definitely issues here. I remember last year she had some wrist cast on and the reason was to hide all the cuts up her arm. I didn’t think much of it at the time but later worked it out. When she got back in contact with me again this year she said her mental health was back to a good place and she felt ready for a relationship.

She stopped taking her anti depressents late March/early April.

 

Yeah I really tried to reason and plead with her but she wasn’t having it at all. Concerned about the she would rather I cheat on her comment. Suggests to me she thinks cheating is an ok thing. That is the ultimate trust betrayal to me.

 

If she was waiting for me to slip up then that explains why she waited a few days to say anything. She must of been thinking about it and decided that was the thing to use against me.

Totally normal with me the day before. Called me as usual and we were making plans for that Friday.

 

People have said she has blocked me on Facebook and Snapchat because they are public but she won’t block me on Whatsapp because no one will know she still has me on there. They think she’ll contact me when she needs something.

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I won’t lie trying to work all this out is mentally exhausting. I don’t understand how you could just drop someone like that. I couldn’t do it.

 

Right, but you aren't her. You don't have the same issues she does. You don't see the world the same way she does.

 

A big mistake we humans tend to make is applying our own thought patterns to other people. We assume others will or should act the same way we do, but it doesn't work like that. Sometimes, sure, our and other's behaviour line up. But we can't hold ourselves as the measuring stick for anyone's actions but our own.

 

In time, you will see that this wasn't the awesome relationship you still believe it was.

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I’ve just seen she is on Plenty Of Fish again seeking a relationship and a man. Says she is looking for someone to chill with. She then blocked me on Whatsapp and Plenty of Fish. This morning I wasn’t blocked on WhatsApp. As soon as I saw her POF profile I was blocked on Whatsapp.

 

I’m devestated. She is looking for a new man already and has now completely blocked me out her life. I hate myself for what I did.

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I’ve just seen she is on Plenty Of Fish again seeking a relationship and a man. Says she is looking for someone to chill with. She then blocked me on Whatsapp and Plenty of Fish. This morning I wasn’t blocked on WhatsApp. As soon as I saw her POF profile I was blocked on Whatsapp.

 

I’m devestated. She is looking for a new man already and has now completely blocked me out her life. I hate myself for what I did.

 

The relationship is over because she chose to end it. Not because of what you did. While it is worth learning to perhaps be more clear on where the boundaries are for intimacy (which clearly was not a conversation that was going to happen in this volatile mess), you usually can't take a dumpers reasoning at face value. You can keep pulling that thread as long as you want - "how could I have prevented this from ending?" - you can never be sure you have the right solution. And if you solve the puzzle, what can you do about it anyway? She's moved on.

 

If she is able to move on this quick, she was never going to stick around. You can be sure of that. If it wasn't feeling her up in the morning, there would have been some other excuse. I mean, she already used "I'm gay."

 

She's not looking for a new man for a relationship. She's looking for a new sex toy because she could see that you were getting attached. Which is not what she wants. (I'll bet if you read between the lines she told you as much)

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She told you exactly what you wanted to hear. She already had it in her mind that she wanted nothing to do with you in the long run and was looking for any excuse to end it. And be honest with yourself, if it wasn't one excuse it would of been a matter of time she found another one. This relationship was based on sex, she got what she wanted and then moved on. It was nothing you did.

 

What you are doing is holding on to anything. So you are holding on thinking that you two shared the same values or views on the future and/or family but she was saying whatever it took to keep you interested enough to get what she wanted. No doubt in my mind you were not the first and you are not the last. She is good at what she does.

 

So you must take everything she said and throw it out the window because it doesn't matter anymore. Also I would suggest to purge her from your life. Get rid of everything, all emails, messages, those pictures she sent you and delete them and begin to move on. There is someone out there for you, but to find her, you must put the past behind you.

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Hey all thank you for all your reaponses to this. I have an update.

 

Yesterday after I saw her on POF and that I had been blocked on Whatsapp we had a back and forth over text. She said she was on POF to cancel a subscription and doesn’t want to date at the moment. The profile did look fairly new though but she said she can show me her bank statements if I want proof.

 

I got out everything I wanted to say and was mad at her. She then came back at me in a very apologetic way and said I deserve better and she is sorry for what she has done. We then agreed to talk on the phone.

 

We actually talked about what happened. Actually talked. She said her issue is she runs when something goes wrong and doesn’t talk. She just ran from me. Turns out she has had a traumatic past with men and that is why she overreacted. It brought out a hidden trauma in her. She has been angry at me and been saying some nasty things about me to her friends and family but she said she didn’t mean any of it because she was just angry.

 

We discussed me having another chance and us maybe giving things another go. She is just wondering how her friends and family will feel about that but I have said it doesn’t matter as long as we want to be together. I will just have some making up to do. We agreed this would not happen again. She said she misses me and loves me and she has never met anyone she clicks so well with. I’m going to her place Saturday to see how we get on face to face.

 

A hell of a one eighty I know. I’m shocked that me saying it how it is made her pause and realise she has over reacted. It is my action and her reaction that is the issue here. So we might get back together but it may be met with some opposition. We’re talking again on Whatsapp and getting on well.

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I can understand why people don’t think this is a good idea given everything I have said and what has happened. I’m a little unsure myself.

 

However we have spoke about it and made amends. We both see it from each others side. She understands she has over reacted and that simply talking about what happened was the best approach. I have agreed it won’t happen again. We’ll meet at the weekend and see how it goes.

 

She called me after work today and we got on like we did before this happened. We’re just talking at the moment and seeing where it leads.

 

I hope it goes back to being together. She has recognised she needs help and I said I will support her with that.

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POF is a free dating service and there is no "subscription" to cancel, unless she paid but I don't see her being the type to pay $9/month.

Ill be honest with you. She has not changed, she has not seen the light, she has not amended her past. This action comes with time and reflection and with professional help or with help in general.

What you are seeing is a professional play with you. I told you in another post she tells you exactly what you want to hear and you wanted justification and you got exactly what you wanted. You were off the rollercoaster ride and you were free and clear but decided to get back on.

So any pain, confusion, sadness, arguments, sleepless nights, fights, you have from this day forward is because you wanted it. This might be a case of careful what you wish for, you just might get it. Good luck to you

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