More help needed

Hi guys, I posted here about 5 weeks back with all sorts of problems that my recent breakup has caused, specifically the physical problems of tightness in my chest, difficulty breathing and anxiety.

It stopped me going outside, going to work bacislly functioning.

Over the last few week with the help of some antidepressants advise from my mum and other things I seemed to almost go back to normal, I was able to return to work and go out with friends again. I even ran a Tough Mudder (a big love in my life doing physical challenges).

But the last few days I seem to have reverted back to how I was, not so much chest pain, but anxiety and the feeling of panic all the time.

Nothing that I can recall happened to set it off I was literally just in work doing my usual stuff.

Is this normal to happen, I thought I was doing so well.

As mentioned in my last post I still live with my partner as we have a mortgage together, but after some words from my mum today she wants me to come and move back in with her until living situations have been sorted with me and my ex.

The worst thing is me and my ex are still so nice to each other, it never ended on bad terms, she says she still loves me but the love has changed.

Thanks for all the help so far!

Alex

Yes, this is perfectly normal.

You like physical challenges? I hear you, in the same shoes here. Well, embrace this as a mental challenge. Rather than think of these feelings as "bad" or "weak" or as evidence that you're no longer "doing so well," just observe them and label them as "normal." Literally force yourself to do that: "Hey normal feelings—I see you, I feel you."

No, they are not fun or comfortable. Yes, they simply suck.

But you know what else sucks? The feeling that your legs might fall off or your heart will explode while doing that Tough Mudder. Remember how when you first started doing that there were moments when you thought you might, you know, kinda die? You pushed through, learned that you weren't dying, but actually getting stronger—physically and mentally. You've learned to observe those painful physical sensations, to contextualize them inside a larger picture (the race), and in the process you've even learned to "enjoy" them. No pain, no gain, etc.

Something similar can be done here. It's in ways harder—because it's strengthening more tender and abstract muscles than triceps and quads, harder than learning to ignore the part of your brain that says "Stop this running NOW." It's strengthening the spirit, you know? It's allowing the full spectrum of feelings to flow through you—and, sometimes, to crash hard into you—and finding a certain resilence by accepting that this is okay, normal—not "bad" but even "good." Needed. Life.

Moving back with mom for a bit also sounds like a good idea. Great that you and your ex can be so cordial—means you're good people, with respect for each other—but space is always needed for healing. Living in that house is a bit like running a Tough Mudder on a fractured ankle—doable, but not advisable, you know?

Yes, this is perfectly normal.

 

You like physical challenges? I hear you, in the same shoes here. Well, embrace this as a mental challenge. Rather than think of these feelings as "bad" or "weak" or as evidence that you're no longer "doing so well," just observe them and label them as "normal." Literally force yourself to do that: "Hey normal feelings—I see you, I feel you."

 

No, they are not fun or comfortable. Yes, they simply suck.

 

But you know what else sucks? The feeling that your legs might fall off or your heart will explode while doing that Tough Mudder. Remember how when you first started doing that there were moments when you thought you might, you know, kinda die? You pushed through, learned that you weren't dying, but actually getting stronger—physically and mentally. You've learned to observe those painful physical sensations, to contextualize them inside a larger picture (the race), and in the process you've even learned to "enjoy" them. No pain, no gain, etc.

 

Something similar can be done here. It's in ways harder—because it's strengthening more tender and abstract muscles than triceps and quads, harder than learning to ignore the part of your brain that says "Stop this running NOW." It's strengthening the spirit, you know? It's allowing the full spectrum of feelings to flow through you—and, sometimes, to crash hard into you—and finding a certain resilence by accepting that this is okay, normal—not "bad" but even "good." Needed. Life.

 

Moving back with mom for a bit also sounds like a good idea. Great that you and your ex can be so cordial—means you're good people, with respect for each other—but space is always needed for healing. Living in that house is a bit like running a Tough Mudder on a fractured ankle—doable, but not advisable, you know?

Thank you for your reply, it’s good to hear it’s nomal to have blips, it’s hard advise to swallow that moving out and having space will be the right thing to do but everyone is advising me the same thing so it must be worth listening to

I'm curious: Why is the thought of moving out and having space such a hard pill to swallow? Is it that, in living together, there is still hope? Is it that moving out and taking space feels somehow "weak?"

Well your mom telling you to move out would be the trigger. It makes things so "final." Since you still live with them, not much has really changed so you haven't fully adjusted to a life without them. It will be like going through it all over again when you do leave. If you were my child I would have offered to the same thing. I think the healthiest thing to do is for you to get out of there asap so you can move on with your life proper.

It's time to let go as hard it might be.

The way I see it she's just being a suck up because she knows she will have to figure out how she's going to live without your support....she's dragging this out as long as she has a roof over her head.

I'm curious: Why is the thought of moving out and having space such a hard pill to swallow? Is it that, in living together, there is still hope? Is it that moving out and taking space feels somehow "weak?"

I think it’s just coming to a realisation that it’s over, the time I have still been living here with her I suppose I have had hope of getting back together.

Even though she has told me that it’s over and she is happy being single,

It’s all very difficult to understand and deal with, she herself is in a bad mental state at the moment and has been for the past few years, I was very un-receptive when she would bring it up as I didn’t understand it fully.

Part of me thinks one of the reasons she broke up is that she is depressed and lonely

Well your mom telling you to move out would be the trigger. It makes things so "final." Since you still live with them, not much has really changed so you haven't fully adjusted to a life without them. It will be like going through it all over again when you do leave. If you were my child I would have offered to the same thing. I think the healthiest thing to do is for you to get out of there asap so you can move on with your life proper.

 

It's time to let go as hard it might be.

 

The way I see it she's just being a suck up because she knows she will have to figure out how she's going to live without your support....she's dragging this out as long as she has a roof over her head.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, she’s has held back on asking me to move out/leave so she doesn’t hurt me further.

It’s just sickening to think about moving on/out and not being together anymore, suppose I am just finding it really hard to come to terms and deal with it