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Thread: So where do I go from here?

  1. #1

    So where do I go from here?

    Hello! I am new to these forums and this is my first post! So please bare with me!

    Ok, so here's my situation.

    Firstly, I don't have an extensive dating record as I have always been quite reserved and shy in the world of dating, that is, up until recently I started to improve my confidence and self esteem and now I am meeting (not a whole lot) women more regularly.

    I was out with some work friends at a bar and a woman approached me, we started talking and I got her number. The next day we arranged to meet up and we did, we went out sight seeing, having a good time, got some drinks, then at the end of the evening things started getting a bit more heated and I went back to her place and stayed the night.

    The next day we were talking for a good portion of the day as she had other things to do, as did I. The next day after that I messaged her and we started talking again, I proposed a second date if she would like to, she told me that most of the week she was busy/taken already and I understand that plans are made and cant be changed out of the blue, but she suggested that we could meet up the weekend, so I agreed also that it would be cool to meet up the weekend and go and do something fun and hang out. Now, when the weekend came I messaged her to ask where and what time shall we meet up and she told me that she forgot to message me but she had arranged other plans this day so we couldn't go out. I shrugged it off as I've only met this girl a few days ago and I don't expect to be a priority within her life so I said that's cool and for her to let me know a day when she would be available to meet up again, she said maybe the start of next week after work we could meet up but then she goes on vacation so she will let me know her standing by the end of the week. It is now the end of the week and I've not heard any word from her about meeting up.

    I don't want to seem clingy or too full on as I know that's my personality and it happens when I like someone, naturally I just want to see them more often.

    What I'm asking is, does this seem like a dead end/one night stand, the meeting was unexpected, the date after was almost perfect, lots of attraction, communication, back and forth not just one way. I even remember telling her about one of my friends who got robbed after letting someone he just met staying at his house over night and she agreed she wouldn't let someone she didn't know into her house unless she trusted that person, as I came back i'm not sure if it's because she trusted me or because she just wanted something i could give that night.

    Any advice? should I let things die or carry on and keep trying for that second date?

  2. #2
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    If she wanted to see you, she would change her plans to do it.

    It's a dead end. Don't text her again.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Having spent plenty of time in both your shoes and hers, my advice is to not think too much about it all one way or another. If you can get into that headspace this stuff is a lot more fun and manageable. And if that's an elusive headspace for you, then it's best to move a little slower.

    You had a good time, have made it clear you'd like to see her again. If she feels the same she'll let you know. In other words, there really isn't something to "let die" or "carry on" here, since there's not really a thing here.

    Does it seem less promising in evolving into a thing at the moment? Sure. And that's okay—happens. Is there a chance she texts you today or tomorrow or Tuesday? Sure. And that's when you can to decide if her being "late" in replying by "end of week" is okay with you.

    Cultivate an abundance mindest—big sea, lots of fish, fun around all the corners, as the other night just proved—and there's nothing here to get hung up, no matter which way it goes.

  4. #4
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    It's a dead end. We all know if they really want to see you they will, and make you a priority. One thing is true is people can't seem to just be honest and say no. So this is my advice, as soon as you hear "oh I'm busy, I forgot to message you..." that isn't true, that's avoidance because they are not interested. Walk away. If she reaches out, then fine, but don't be sitting by the phone for this one...date other women.

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  6. #5
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    Yes unfortunately I think that for whatever reason this girl has kinda lost interest and/or she's seeing other guys too. To be honest her agenda of coming up to you in the bar may have been to just get attention and/or get sex. She didn't necessarily invite you to her place because she particularly trusted you but may have been because she was drunk and felt in the mood for sex. Now I think she's probably just doing the "slow fade" or "ghosting". Or she might just want this to be a booty call and not go on any dates but just text you when she wants sex. The fact that she "forgot" you were going to meet on the weekend and she just made other plans sounds like she either forgot because you're really not a priority to her or she's trying to send you a message that she doesn't want to see you. In any case she is very flaky so I would suggest just forgetting about her. Have you tried online dating or meeting women at parties or social events?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ask her one more time for a date. But ask when is a good time. If it's 'no" or she's always too busy, you have your answer. Do not expect someone you barely know to change their plans for you. Find a mutually agreeable time.

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    It sounds like you presented a "let's hang" type of date in the future instead of planning something solid, date and time. It sounds like she was rather into you, and she tossed out the weekend idea of seeing you on the weekend, and you waited until the weekend to see if she could "hang," instead of solidifying a date from the get-go...date and time. You're not really courting her, just looking for a way to "hang" or "hook up". Be more defined and assertive.

    If she's "always busy" and "vacationing," move on.

    I'm so lost on the posts here at ENA, that everyone seems to have copious amounts of time and money to "vacation" all the time, and for weeks at a stretch.

    You met her at a time that seems to be full of hustle and bustle, so between her busy schedule, vast and expansive social life, and copious vacation plans, you probably came into her world at a bad time, but at the end of the day, "Wanna maybe hang next weekend" is really not very defined and too loose for anyone to commit to; not for someone who has a serious itinerary to contend with. Wait for her life to slow down, and if and when it does, be more defined and direct on a plan.

  9. #8
    I want to firstly say thank you to all that responded, I really appreciate all the comments/help.

    I just want to add in, when I say "lets hang out" this is how I phrased it on here but in reality, when I ask her out I don't say "Let's just hang out sometime", I'm giving specific days, I ask her when she's free and then I take one of the days she tells me.

    I think my main problem also stems from the fact that I am a new expat living abroad and the language here isn't English, even though everyone speaks it to a degree, so when texting it's hard to figure out the "hidden meaning" behind some messages, this is why I don't want to shoot it down so quickly, because yes, she could be genuinely busy, as the city that I live in, it's a capital city, where people always have plans, even my co-workers, they seem to have something on every night, be it drinks with friends, shows, watching live sports, I'm from a small city so I'm not used to this "Availability" of things to do all the time. And yes on the other hand, she could be just avoiding me.

    I think what gets me the most is that I can't figure it out, I've been on dates before where I knew it was going to end as a one night stand and nothing more, but it's the fact that how the date went, it was casual, met up at 4pm, no clubs, we saw sights, talked, got a few drinks not to the point of being drunk or anything.. and even on the date we spoke about things and she was dropping hints like, oh maybe sometime we can go to X and Y together. Even the morning after I stayed at hers, there was no hurry to leave, I left we kissed again and she messaged me as soon as I was back at my place.

    It's all this that is getting to me, as i've said before I'm not experienced in any shape or form and I think it's just anxeity.

    Once again, I appreciate all the help and hope for the best, I'm going to try one more time once she's back from her vacation and if it's the same I'm going to do like you all said and just leave it be and move on. Thanks!

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by GenericUser
    I think what gets me the most is that I can't figure it out, I've been on dates before where I knew it was going to end as a one night stand and nothing more, but it's the fact that how the date went, it was casual, met up at 4pm, no clubs, we saw sights, talked, got a few drinks not to the point of being drunk or anything.. and even on the date we spoke about things and she was dropping hints like, oh maybe sometime we can go to X and Y together. Even the morning after I stayed at hers, there was no hurry to leave, I left we kissed again and she messaged me as soon as I was back at my place.

    It's all this that is getting to me, as i've said before I'm not experienced in any shape or form and I think it's just anxeity.

    Once again, I appreciate all the help and hope for the best, I'm going to try one more time once she's back from her vacation and if it's the same I'm going to do like you all said and just leave it be and move on. Thanks!
    I wouldn't get too caught up in replaying everything on a loop. Not every one night stand is a drunken, semi-wordless collision where you hardly know the person's name and both of you "know" you'll never talk again. And just because someone says something ("We should do X sometime") doesn't mean it'll happen, and just because they seem, or even are, into you on Monday doesn't mean they're still into you come Tuesday. That's dating. That's life.

    I always cringe a bit when I hear people say things like "I"m going to try one more time." That's basically ego and anxiety speaking, as opposed to reading the room and accepting what's what, and being able to take a little disappointment on the chin. She knows who you are, that you're down to hang again—trust that, you know, and trust that if she isn't feeling you then it's all good, not meant to be. Poking at someone who straight up ignores you—that's basically advertising your insecurities. Not a cute look.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I wouldn't get too caught up in replaying everything on a loop. Not every one night stand is a drunken, semi-wordless collision where you hardly know the person's name and both of you "know" you'll never talk again. And just because someone says something ("We should do X sometime") doesn't mean it'll happen, and just because they seem, or even are, into you on Monday doesn't mean they're still into you come Tuesday. That's dating. That's life.

    I always cringe a bit when I hear people say things like "I"m going to try one more time." That's basically ego and anxiety speaking, as opposed to reading the room and accepting what's what, and being able to take a little disappointment on the chin. She knows who you are, that you're down to hang again—trust that, you know, and trust that if she isn't feeling you then it's all good, not meant to be. Poking at someone who straight up ignores you—that's basically advertising your insecurities. Not a cute look.
    I agree, I would actually suggest to stop contacting her. All her behaviour is not pointing to any interest. Normally when people want to see you, even if they're busy at that time, they will still set up a meeting for as soon as they're free. The fact that she forgot you were going to meet on the weekend and also "forgot" to message you, then never contacted you during the week really spells out "I don't care about you". If someone is interested, they will actually act interested. It's very simple.

    I understand that you're in a foreign country and you haven't had much dating experience but you really need to have thicker skin and less immediate investment when it comes to dating. You found a girl in a bar, you spent only one day with her and had sex straight away. To me this just sounds like a hookup on her part.

    Just because she spent a few hours with you actually hanging out doesn't mean she's really into you. As you said, she didn't want to invite a complete stranger to her house, so she wanted to get a feel about you and make sure you weren't weird or anything. Then she invited you over for sex. To be honest when people straight away invite you over for sex when they met you only once, it usually means they've ruled out dating you. People that want to date you will normally set up another date.

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