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Thread: Had he used me?

  1. #1

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    Had he used me?

    I’ve been on and off with my boyfriend for 9months. We lived in different areas so distance was becoming a problem. I decided to make the move to be with him so I moved into a beautiful little apartment 2 months ago. He started staying over every night and only natural that it evolved into a ‘living together’ situation. He was staying at his uncles at the time of my move as his marriage had ended last year and he’d moved out of the marital home. He was in a low financial position that I was sort of aware of but we wanted to be together so I continued to support us over the last couple of months. We had a few arguments in that time, mostly me with paranoia (I’d been in a highly toxic previous relationship) but he understood my hurt and said he’d be there for me through the good and bad as he knew the damage my ex partner had caused. We went on to meet each other’s family and friends and all the while him still living in my apartment. It got to last week, he caused a massive argument out of the blue..said he hadn’t been happy for weeks and that he wanted out so he packed up half his things (going out clothes mostly) but left his toothbrush and work clothes (we work together) said he was going out all weekend. Now I became angry (not a penny to put into our home but money to go on a drinking binge?!) I said awful things and he actually blocked me, I haven’t had any contact with him for 3 day’s yet half his stuff is still in my apartment. I am now going through the process of “is it my fault?” But honestly..does anyone else think he’s used me for my money and home all this time?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I think it's a few factors here that caused this:

    1.) You moved in far too quickly.

    2.) Unhappy situation with stress and no money.

    3.) He's not ready for a marriage type of commitment and wanted to go have fun without consequences.

    4.) You both keep fighting with each other. You've admitted that you're still damaged from a previous relationship and this adds to the fights.

    This is not about laying blame, to be honest, you're both at fault and both were the cause of this relationship breaking down. You both played your part in it not working.
    But the bottom line is, it's not going to work...it's too rushed, too soon and neither of you are ready for this level of commitment.
    Last edited by SherrySher; 05-26-2019 at 01:18 AM.

  3. #3
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    Sounds like you were a rebound relationship for him.
    On off relationships never end up on, they end up off.

    He doesn’t care about his things at yours. It’s minimal stuff that’s not irreplaceable.
    It’s only a year ago when he moved out of his marital home likely leaving belongings that were irreplaceable.

    Was it your fault? Partly.
    Once the relationship was off the second time that should have been the last time.
    You allowed him to move into your house knowing he couldn’t afford it, so you can’t suddenly expect him to afford it.

    He never officially moved in and never officially left his uncles.

    Does he have a key to your home?
    Will you see him at work tomorrow?
    Bring his stuff into work and ask for the key back.

    This relationship was never going to work so don’t think “what if?”

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately you volunteered and were the driver in all this so nobody "used" you. At 9 mos in, give him notice to collect his stuff, change the locks and stop using the "damaged goods" approach to yourself and latching on to one loser after the next. Perhaps some short term therapy to sort this all out could make a difference. Invest in that and yourself rather than trying to extract love from stray cats and jerks.
    Originally Posted by Riotita
    He started staying over every night and only natural that it evolved into a ‘living together’ situation.
    he hadn’t been happy for weeks and that he wanted out so he packed up half his things
    not a penny to put into our home but money to go on a drinking binge?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    I think it's a few factors here that caused this:

    1.) You moved in far too quickly.

    2.) Unhappy situation with stress and no money.

    3.) He's not ready for a marriage type of commitment and wanted to go have fun without consequences.

    4.) You both keep fighting with each other. You've admitted that you're still damaged from a previous relationship and this adds to the fights.

    This is not about laying blame, to be honest, you're both at fault and both were the cause of this relationship breaking down. You both played your part in it not working.
    But the bottom line is, it's not going to work...it's too rushed, too soon and neither of you are ready for this level of commitment.
    Great post by, Sherry.

    If you can see all this clearly, especially the bold, then these nine months become an important learning and growing experience. Some hurt on the heart, yes, but there are lessons here that will ultimately strengthen, and truly open, the heart.

    Just as he sounds like he was rebounding a bit, you're pretty open in that you're using new romance to treat old wounds. You view your paranoia as something that is now part of you because of your toxic ex, something for a new partner to understand and "be there" for. That feels like intimacy and vulnerability, but it's really just unhealthy, and until that's resolved you're at a higher risk of rushing into things with, and getting attached to, wobbly people.

    So rather than wondering if he "used" you or where you're to blame—thought patterns that just make you a victim—find some stability in just holding both of you accountable for moving too fast before you'd each worked out the stuff on your own needed to get into something sustainable.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    The best thing to do is evaluate the decisions you made and learn from them so that you can have a greater risk of success in a future relationship.

    If you are hanging onto emotional baggage from the past, get therapy or at the very least, read books on the subject and apply those skills to get to where you need to be, and don't date until that happens.

    On again off again means one or both people didn't care enough to stick around and work on problems together. I've never once taken back a person after a break up. If he broke up with me, I know he didn't really love me. If I did the breaking up, I'd thought long and hard and realized we were incompatible in one or more major ways. I'd rather risk my heart on someone new instead of expecting he magically turned into a person worthy of me.

    Just as in the writer's advice of "show, don't tell," you need to know a person for at least a year, probably longer in long distance relationships, to have time to witness how they treat you when you are sick, how they help you in a crisis, how they treat other loved ones in their life, if they are financially stable, if their ethics match yours, if they lack any dealbreakers (cheating, narcotics use, mentally or physically abusive, gambling, porn addiction, etc.)

    A person telling you what they will do or how they feel about you is something you shouldn't take at face value. A person's actions will tell you all you need to know.

    We all make mistakes. I know I've made numerous ones in romance. Think of this experience as a great learning tool and vow to use what you learned to make wiser decisions in the future.

  8. #7
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    I think the more important concern is, is he divorced or has he filed for divorce at this time? Either way, I'd sign off as there's little potential for this to go anywhere, (imo).

  9. #8
    Silver Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I don't think it's your fault. You were convenient while he was financially in limbo. He needed a place to stay while his personal finances were shaky, insufficient and insecure. Your apartment was convenient while he needed it. Now that he's back on his feet, he doesn't need you so yes, he used you for money and home for the time being.

    Since both of you are colleagues, give him fair warning regarding his toothbrush and work clothes. Give him the courtesy by telling him he needs to take his toothbrush and work clothes and get them out of your apartment. Either tell him to pick them up or you deliver his toothbrush and work clothes to the workplace discreetly. If he doesn't pick up his belongings or receive his possessions from you at work, discard his toothbrush and donate his clothes. After that, consider him history.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Riotita
    I’ve been on and off with my boyfriend for 9months. We lived in different areas so distance was becoming a problem. I decided to make the move to be with him so I moved into a beautiful little apartment 2 months ago. He started staying over every night and only natural that it evolved into a ‘living together’ situation. He was staying at his uncles at the time of my move as his marriage had ended last year and he’d moved out of the marital home. He was in a low financial position that I was sort of aware of but we wanted to be together so I continued to support us over the last couple of months. We had a few arguments in that time, mostly me with paranoia (I’d been in a highly toxic previous relationship) but he understood my hurt and said he’d be there for me through the good and bad as he knew the damage my ex partner had caused. We went on to meet each other’s family and friends and all the while him still living in my apartment. It got to last week, he caused a massive argument out of the blue..said he hadn’t been happy for weeks and that he wanted out so he packed up half his things (going out clothes mostly) but left his toothbrush and work clothes (we work together) said he was going out all weekend. Now I became angry (not a penny to put into our home but money to go on a drinking binge?!) I said awful things and he actually blocked me, I haven’t had any contact with him for 3 day’s yet half his stuff is still in my apartment. I am now going through the process of “is it my fault?” But honestly..does anyone else think he’s used me for my money and home all this time?
    Why would you allow a man that you had be "on and off" with move into your apartment? You had a very shaky relationship foundation so it is against your emotional well being to make that kind of move with a boyfriend that you can't keep it together with. He is a garbage boyfriend.

    You should pack up is chit in green garbage bags and drop it off at work and then change the locks on your apartment so he can't get back in. If you can't do that then I suggest that you get yourself a life coach or put yourself into personal therapy to help you get past the low self worth that your previous toxic relationship has left you in. You can not be in a good place emotionally if you would allow the likes of this retrabate move in. You are still picking very poor choices in men so please do yourself a service and work on getting past why you pick these types of men.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    If you want to decide that he has used you, follow through and figure out what that buys you, exactly. You can view yourself as victimized, for whatever value you see in that, OR, you can view yourself as an equal participant in a situation that doesn't work for you, and you can gain some confidence in your ability to navigate to resolve the problem: pack up the rest of the guy's things, notify him of the location--preferably outside your home but somewhere safe--and then change your locks.

    We each get to decide how we want to view our experiences. If we adopt a victim mentality and blame others, we rob ourselves of important learning achievements and squelch our ability to move forward with confidence that we won't repeat our own mistakes. If we adopt a responsible mentality, we can learn from the roles we've played in our own mistakes and avoid a candle-in-the-wind feeling of always being at the mercy of other people's lousy judgment.

    It's your decision.


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