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Thread: What just happened?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    I don't know you that's true, I'm just writing what i get off from your posts.

    I'm gonna have to quote Annia here and ask again, does she live in a dangerous area? Does she have restraining orders against anyone? What kind of safety are you worried about?

    I too would feel suffocated if I had to check in with my partner so often, unless there was a good reason, like very good.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Riri2019
    Okay, so here's the deal, as i read your text, the first thing that came in my mind is that it's totally normal i swear.
    I'm in an almost 1 year relationship, and we still have this kind of issues.
    Let me explain, since i stand in the girl position, i know how it feels to be away from your beloved one, i'm not sure if i can make you get the idea, but the thing is, we want to be aware of every little detail (maybe not all girls are), but for myself (and looks like your girl is kinda similar) i feel more safe and secure when my partner takes time to tell me how was his day and what he did (even if sometimes it's not much or it's just a simple routine), it makes me feel more present in his life and more informed.
    This is just an example, but i remembered a week-end where he got sick and didn't tell me (while he told a friend), and i got verry pissed off when i knew that from his friend and not from him.
    Women are kind of possessive and curious, so this first thing is natural.
    The second thing is, i know that we tend to not realise that you might be tired or what kind of situation you are in, but this is a way to get your attention, even if it's selfish somehow. And for the "ignoring and not answeting part", well you must be sure that there is a reason for that (girls are overthinkers).
    However, well that doesn't mean you should accept it, try to find a good way to deal with it and figure out what's wrong.. matters like this shouldn't take a big part of your relationship, like you shouldn't make this a big deal all the time, try to see the bigger picture and find a better way to communicate and feel that there is attention and care between the two of you, because in the end this is a matter of "communication" and it's important not to neglect such a thing. Beside, this is an advice but try to be as direct and simple when you say something, it will make things easier and will avoid the furious talk.
    Good luck.
    Thank you so much for that! Youíre right, itís definitely a communication thing. I definitely need to grab a book or something because I like to think Iím a logical thinker, if I need to solve for x, find the steps but obviously add meaning and love into the equation. Sheís not really like that and I feel as tho her decisions are made more from her feelings which make the problem so hard to diagnose..

    But anyways I appreciate your advice, Iíll try to be more direct and sailors. Thank you!

  3. #23
    Member Tyresee's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    Does she live in a dangerous area? Is that why you like knowing when she leaves the house?
    No she doesnít live in a dangerous area but anything happens these days and Iím not taking any chances. Why would I? I see this girl as someone I want to be with long-term so Iím going to make sure sheís safe

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Cope
    I don't know you that's true, I'm just writing what i get off from your posts.

    I'm gonna have to quote Annia here and ask again, does she live in a dangerous area? Does she have restraining orders against anyone? What kind of safety are you worried about?

    I too would feel suffocated if I had to check in with my partner so often, unless there was a good reason, like very good.
    No she doesnít live in a dangerous area but anything happens these days and Iím not taking any chances. Why would I? I see this girl as someone I want to be with long-term so Iím going to make sure sheís safe.

    I do feel suffocated time to time.. Messaging her less day by day (at a rate thatís not very noticeable) seems to be one way to fix this problem

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    Even if you're being honest (to yourself) about why you want her to check in so often, being so anxious that something might happen is not normal. Are you usually this anxious in other departments too?

  7. #26
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    ď I only expect texts when Iím not going to hear from her for awhile. I donít feel insecure at all rather itís a safety concern for me. Ē

    You shouldnít be expecting texts like that!
    Fine if she was going out with friends at night and you request a text to say she got home safely.

    But it is not a ďsafety concernĒ to expect a text from her to tell you she is going to do some house chores and have a nap so wonít text for 3 hours?!?

    You are both enabling this unhealthy texting ďcommunicationĒ

    To feel secure within a relationship is a great thing , but you two arenít even allowing yourselves to feel that way naturally.
    Eventually you will part ways if you donít stop fuelling each otherís insecurities.

    Stop with the texting already and instead engage in normal healthy communication.
    Had you plans to see each other that evening?
    If yes, then the good morning text should have simply said ďsee you later, looking forward to hearing about your dayĒ
    And thatís it, end of texting until you see each other!

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Cope
    Even if you're being honest (to yourself) about why you want her to check in so often, being so anxious that something might happen is not normal. Are you usually this anxious in other departments too?
    I legitimately donít feel anxious about it. Just like mine and her parents, they message each other when they reach work, are on the way home etc.. itís just a thing that we do.

    Like I said earlier, if she doesnít message me about if sheís gone out the house or w/e, I donít freak out but if itís consistent, then I tell her that she should be more mindful of it

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    Now it makes sense. I was just going to write that you might find it normal because people around you do the same. I personally don't, but if it doesn't bring you anxiety fine. Don't be surprised if other people, like your gf, might find it suffocating or such.

    Not trying to be mean here, just a friendly head's up!

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Cope
    Now it makes sense. I was just going to write that you might find it normal because people around you do the same. I personally don't, but if it doesn't bring you anxiety fine. Don't be surprised if other people, like your gf, might find it suffocating or such.

    Not trying to be mean here, just a friendly head's up!
    Gotcha, thank you for understanding and no worries at all! Be as cutthroat as possible.. I need it.

    Weíre very open with that kind of stuff, I told her what I find suffocating but sheís never told me once before that I am. Sheís told me other things sheís not happy about but never once was it about not being able to breathe.

    I think what Iím gonna take away from this thread is:

    - Be more direct and simple with responses.. especially when I feel an argument coming
    - Slowly limit how much I text her/ what I text about like little things that are unnecessary
    - ... hmm anything else?

    What else would be an effective strategy in smoothing things out when I see an argument arising? I just want to minimize the possibilities of these kind of problems.. itís so very frustrating to deal with.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    ď I only expect texts when Iím not going to hear from her for awhile. I donít feel insecure at all rather itís a safety concern for me. Ē

    You shouldnít be expecting texts like that!
    Fine if she was going out with friends at night and you request a text to say she got home safely.

    But it is not a ďsafety concernĒ to expect a text from her to tell you she is going to do some house chores and have a nap so wonít text for 3 hours?!?

    You are both enabling this unhealthy texting ďcommunicationĒ

    To feel secure within a relationship is a great thing , but you two arenít even allowing yourselves to feel that way naturally.
    Eventually you will part ways if you donít stop fuelling each otherís insecurities.

    Stop with the texting already and instead engage in normal healthy communication.
    Had you plans to see each other that evening?
    If yes, then the good morning text should have simply said ďsee you later, looking forward to hearing about your dayĒ
    And thatís it, end of texting until you see each other!
    Not that it matters so much but right now weíre long distance-ish. She lives at her parents (1.5 hours drive)m away from me) and sheíll be back maybe next month or July. Regardless of where she is, out texting habits are relatively the same. Itís a lot shorter obviously b/c we see each other more but if we donít for w/e reason, weíll keep each other updated.

    I disagree that I shouldnít be expecting my safety concern texts but I do agree about the enabling unhealthy texting communication to an extent. Texting each other every little thing is not a good thing for the future b/c the second the behaviour changes, itís a problem... but like I was telling Cope, safety concern texts is just a normal part of what is done by the people around me so it just feels normal to do that

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