Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123
Results 21 to 29 of 29

Thread: Very toxic relationship ended. Please share your thoughts

  1. #21
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    11,479
    Originally Posted by MattyD1980
    Hi all,

    Went to hospital. Nothing was broken. She was just told to rest. Which she found difficult so it's probably taking longer to heal than usual as she was walking on it fairly soon after. Was just the one leg. I was concerned for my safety. She could've picked up a pen on the dash and stabbed me with it. Not justifying anything. Just trying to get across my worry. Suffered a huge amount of abuse from her over the past year and a half.

    Just checked facebook and she's just sent me a friend request!!!! What's that mean??
    She wants to be able to continue to abuse you.

    It's not easy for abusers to find someone who will accept or participate in their abuse. She doesn't want to have to search for someone so she circles back to you.

    Sorry, it's not because she just loves you so gosh darned much.

    And warning: if you choose to go back, expect the charges to stick next time.

  2. #22
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2016
    Posts
    17
    Hi everyone,

    Appreciate all comments in reply to my post on here. Yes some not easy to read but they all make complete sense.

    She then took away friend request. But now she has unblocked me and posted a pic of a guy she is staying with at his parents with him snuggling his dog in bed. Think someone is playing games. I don't rise to this stuff though. I've blocked her. I would imagine if you were completely over someone you wouldn't behave like this. Quite childish.

    Thanks again everyone.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    2,599
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by MattyD1980
    I don't rise to this stuff though.
    You are rising to this stuff though. You're rising to it by posting about it here, trying to get others to analyze a friend request, a friend request taken back, a pivot from blocked to unblocked, a snuggly post. You're giving power to noise, to nonsense.

    The story that you don't rise to this stuff is a comforting one. It makes her the "crazy" one and you the sane one. And, yeah, at least from what you've written I'd say that if I attached each of you to my trusted Craydar she'd set off the bigger blips.

    But some part of you is drawn to this—something that existed before she came along and that she knows how to exploit on an intuitive level. Without that dynamic this is a relationship that lasts a month or so, that comes to a hard end the first time she hits you, rather than extending into years and engagement and ending—hopefully—with nearly running her over with your car.

    You're in therapy—great. Stay that course, hard. Find that thing inside of you, get intimate with it so others can't exploit it in a way that feels like intimacy. Get intimate with it so you demystify it, so you not only stop rising to this stuff moving forward but you see it all as stuff to just walk away from, head up, shoulders back, no emotional energy expended in trying to find the symphony in the noise.

    I hope that doesn't sound harsh. I've gotten tangled up in some thorny situations myself romantically—dynamics that forced me to get surgical on my psyche and patch up the places where certain people can get under my skin. It's a tough journey, always ongoing, but a rewarding one.

  4. #24
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2016
    Posts
    17
    No not harsh at all.

    I have no idea why 'admittedly' I'm still drawn into what is probably a hold she has over me. I'll be the very first to admit that. I try not to see it as a weakness. But just someone I loved and still do. I know to fix myself I need to keep being strong and not give in and contact her. I'm not gonna lie it is bloody hard but in the long run the best thing for me. I'm just hoping and praying I don't cave in and text/call her. Csuse that is probably what she wants. But I won't give it to her.

    Thanks

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    4,317
    Originally Posted by MattyD1980
    Hi everyone,

    Appreciate all comments in reply to my post on here. Yes some not easy to read but they all make complete sense.

    She then took away friend request. But now she has unblocked me and posted a pic of a guy she is staying with at his parents with him snuggling his dog in bed. Think someone is playing games. I don't rise to this stuff though. I've blocked her. I would imagine if you were completely over someone you wouldn't behave like this. Quite childish.

    Thanks again everyone.
    Agree with blue, you are definitely rising to the occasion. That precisely why I responded the way I did, this isn’t one sided, as much as you want it to be so your ego can get some stroking until she comes back and you can jump back on the roller coaster... you have got to get out of this and get some therapy...

    My ex would beat the crap out of me. kicks in the face. punches, you name it he did it but I’d be a dirty liar if I sat here and said it was all him, our interactions were toxic and I may not have been throwing punches, but I was sparing with him, most toxic relationships dont have one person just losing their mind and acting crazy. Emotional healthy people wouldn’t stay long enough for all that to happen, that’s the reality... broken seeks broken, broken latches onto broken, broken gets on a message board questioning a friend request and calling it games as they get their mit and bat ready to join the game...

    Time to take ownership and work towards disengaging.

  7. #26
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2016
    Posts
    17
    No that's fair enough.

    I should have been stronger and been the one to end this a long time ago. Was engaged to this girl. The highs were beyond my wildest dreams. Not had many girlfriends and she would always criticise that and say that was because of me. I should've been more mature and not unintentionally added to the toxicity. But sometimes when you're in the eye of the storm you can't always see a way out.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    2,599
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by MattyD1980
    I try not to see it as a weakness. But just someone I loved and still do.
    I'll just stay on the throttle a bit longer here.

    "Just" seeing this as someone you loved and still do is weakness, because it's outsourcing self-reflection and accountability to the cosmos. Admitting that a weakness in you that you don't fully understand draws you into this kind of dynamic is strength, because it's having the stones to open up the hood, admit the engine isn't running property, and go to work to learn why it's stalling out.

    I'm not trying to negate the reality of your "love" here, but I am challenging you to expand your definition of love—and even, perhaps, to see that the love you're describing here is fueled by a lot of darkness: self-loathing, fear, feelings of worthlessness—on her side and on yours. We all have those spices in our emotional cabinet—some more than others—but we don't need them to give the stew its flavor.

    As for those wild highs? Try to have some perspective on them. Just as I am the world tallest man to an infant, it does not take much to feel high when the baseline is being trashed, emotionally and physically. That's the trick, you see? You get calibrated quickly in these sorts of things to think some base level stuff (someone being kind, someone having great sex with you) is profound when it's really just point of entry stuff. It's like dating someone who is illiterate and then being "wildly high" when they learn to read a road sign.

    I'm not judging—believe me. That would be some pot-kettle hypocrisy. I haven't been as deep down this path as you are, but I've tasted it. I know what I'm drawn to out there—a wild, hard, fast, challenging ride, in all realms of life—and here and there I've gotten twisted around looking for it in the wrong places and with the wrong people. What I have learned is not to romanticize it in order to stay in it. Once you can sniff out a certain kind of cray-cray that triggers the cray-cray in you, it stops feeling "wild" and just feels straight up boring. And when you get there, I promise you, you'll find yourself on much wilder rides because the train stays on the tracks and keeps going somewhere new, surprising you without the fear that it might go off a cliff.

  9. #28
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2016
    Posts
    17
    Just a quick message to say thanks for the recent replies.

    Particularly like the last comment.

    The therapy is going well. Helps we to understand somewhat as to why I still care for her. Cause I can't work it out on my own. Therapist says it's still early days and not to try and rush the recovery.

    I've blocked her but a lot of people to me are saying she's probably gonna try and contact me somehow. Despite her I think (can't be sure) being with this uni mate of hers now. Poor sod!! I guess these kinda girls always have someone else lined up. Which isn't really normal I guess!

    Thanks

  10. #29
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    4,317
    Originally Posted by MattyD1980
    No that's fair enough.

    I should have been stronger and been the one to end this a long time ago. Was engaged to this girl. The highs were beyond my wildest dreams. Not had many girlfriends and she would always criticise that and say that was because of me. I should've been more mature and not unintentionally added to the toxicity. But sometimes when you're in the eye of the storm you can't always see a way out.
    Originally Posted by MattyD1980
    Just a quick message to say thanks for the recent replies.

    Particularly like the last comment.

    The therapy is going well. Helps we to understand somewhat as to why I still care for her. Cause I can't work it out on my own. Therapist says it's still early days and not to try and rush the recovery.

    I've blocked her but a lot of people to me are saying she's probably gonna try and contact me somehow. Despite her I think (can't be sure) being with this uni mate of hers now. Poor sod!! I guess these kinda girls always have someone else lined up. Which isn't really normal I guess!

    Thanks
    Marty you’re responding as if you are digesting everything but it’s not quite going down , like youre right there but you haven’t let that last little bit go.

    I mentioned your ego needing some stroking, the reason I clued in on that is you are taking every opportunity to label her ‘crazy’ which hey your prerogative but in the grand scheme of things the huge blaring fact youre conveniently avoiding is you chose her, you chose her, you chose her and you continue to choose her, you have to disengaged. The opposite of love isn’t hate it’s indifference, it truly does not appear you are there yet which you admit. I’m glad you’re working with a therapist and if he’s good which it sounds like he is he will help you unpack all this, she’s going to be who she is, that’s truly no longer your concern, what drew you to her is the task you need to solve. Her issues are hers, your issue is yours, you can’t fix her you can’t even make her feel bad she is going to do what she’s going to do, but you can fix you.

    I wish you luck, one day at a time, try to avoid focusing on her , even bashing her, negative energy is still wasted energy.

Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •