Jump to content

I feel attracted to my boss and I'm starting falling in love with him


Floris

Recommended Posts

I've been working in a small private organization for a year and a half. This January I realized I'm attracted to my boss and although I try to control it and not to think about it much, my attraction doesn't go away.

There is a mutual understanding and sympathy between us, and I know he likes me as a person and probably also as a woman, because I catch him staring at me several times. But he is married so there is a big NO for me.

He is very smart, open, kind and warm person, I would say he is also good looking (though he is not a typical handsome man) and when I see him, I feel almost happy. He always smiles when he sees me and is usually excited.

the thing is that sometimes I feel like I will burn because of the attraction.

Last time we were discussing and reading some papers in his office, sitting side by side on the arm chairs and I was so excited that I couldn't concentrate well. When I was leaving his office, he stand up beside me to read something in the papers I was holding. He was standing only about 5 cm away from me so I could feel the warm of his body and again - I couldn't concentrate and I felt like burning.

 

I dont know if he knows I feel such a strong attraction to him, but I also realized that I'm sad when I don't see him at work.

 

I would like to stop this attraction, because I feel like it's getting out of my control.

 

Do you have some tips for what to do, please?

 

PS: I cannot leave the job -1) it's a very good job and 2) im currently working on a project that cannot be stopped

Link to comment
Can you transfer to another dept? You are playing with fire.

 

No. We have only one "dept". It's a small organization - he is a chief, then there is a chief operating officer and then around 9 permanent workers, including me.

Link to comment

You can always leave any job, otherwise that would be slavery.

 

But you don't have to. He's married and that's all you need to know. He's also your boss. You really want a relationship where he's cheating and can fire you over an argument? Or because he feels guilty. Or... literally name it, it's not a position you want to be in. Control yourself.

Link to comment

Try not to obsess over him. A crush is a crush, try not to blow it up by thinking about him, I know it's gonna be hard while working with him, but at least distract your mind when you're not with him.

 

Remember IF he makes any move, chances are, this is not his first rodeo, but still, he'll be a cheater, you wouldn't want anything to do with a man like that. Thinking about how his wife is probably waiting for him to get back home is probably a good thing to focus on when you're with him.

 

Get on dating apps, don't need to go on dates, just chat with guys. Don't talk about your crush to your friends, it'll make it real.

Link to comment

Floris, I am certainly not here to judge you. But I will be blunt: plenty of people write in enotalone about their husband or partner cheating and the devastating consequences this has on their lives. Please, read some of those posts! It's quite an eye-opener and hopefully a deterrent.

Link to comment
But he is married so there is a big NO for me.

I would like to stop this attraction, because I feel like it's getting out of my control.

 

Do you have some tips for what to do, please?

Keep reminding yourself of the part in bold. Should be easy enough, right? .... especially as you, yourself, say it is a BIG NO for you.

Link to comment

Get some self control, seriously! This is a married man! Someone else's husband. Not for you.

 

It is one of my pet peeves on this board with people chasing married people or having crushes on them.

You know they're married, you know they're off limits so why go down that road?

 

Quitting a job is always a choice. If you can't contain yourself, then quit. But you can't be getting all excited over someone else's man.

 

You realize his wife is a living, breathing person who made vows with this man? She loves him very much and built a life with him.

It's not okay for you to be lusting over her man like this. Would you like someone to do this with your man should the day ever come that you marry?

Karma is a very funny thing, so be careful.

 

As for him, what kind of decent man behaves this way if he's married? A smart person would be able to figure out asap that if they act like that while married, they are cheaters and not someone you can trust.

You think they will only cheat on their spouse but not you if you got together? It's simply not the truth. A cheater is a cheater is a cheater.

Link to comment
Try not to obsess over him. A crush is a crush, try not to blow it up by thinking about him, I know it's gonna be hard while working with him, but at least distract your mind when you're not with him.

 

Remember IF he makes any move, chances are, this is not his first rodeo, but still, he'll be a cheater, you wouldn't want anything to do with a man like that. Thinking about how his wife is probably waiting for him to get back home is probably a good thing to focus on when you're with him.

 

Get on dating apps, don't need to go on dates, just chat with guys. Don't talk about your crush to your friends, it'll make it real.

 

Thank you for the advice, it's a good idea to think about his wife always when I see him - I think this would help me.

Yes, I've already get on a dating app to distract myself. I'm even going to meet one guy who seems to be a nice person (and honestly hope to forget about the boss)..

Link to comment

 

As for him, what kind of decent man behaves this way if he's married? A smart person would be able to figure out asap that if they act like that while married, they are cheaters and not someone you can trust.

You think they will only cheat on their spouse but not you if you got together? It's simply not the truth. A cheater is a cheater is a cheater.

 

With all due respect, this man has done nothing wrong . He has never even flirted with the op.

He smiles when he sees her. So what? I smile at all my colleagues make or female. He gets excited when he sees her? In her opinion but she never said that excitement was evident in his pants?

Sometimes I’m excited to talk to a male colleague because of a work related issue!

 

She sees him staring at her? Wishful thinking maybe?

I mean she said she is sad when she doesn’t see him at work! If he was a cheater or predator he would be seeking her out at work. Clearly he isn’t.

 

And OP, you CAN leave the job. It’s not the only good job out there and the business will not go down if you leave mid way a project. Sorry to burst that bubble. You may very well be good at your job, but you are not irreplaceable. Your loyalty seems not about the job but your obsession with this married man.

 

He has never made a move on you, expressed interest in you apart from professionally.

You are not the first person to become obsessed with a teacher, someone in charge, a personal trainer etc by thinking their interest in you is a personal one rather than what it is, a professional one.

Start realising that. Otherwise your job will be in jeopardy!

Link to comment
Of course you can leave the job!

 

Theoretically I can, but first I have to finish the project I'm working on there (it's related to the grant agency and you cannot make a change like this without the good reason) and he is a part of a project team.

Link to comment
Theoretically I can, but first I have to finish the project I'm working on there (it's related to the grant agency and you cannot make a change like this without the good reason) and he is a part of a project team.

 

So he technically is not your boss but a supervisor!

And you are in research? And being paid by a grant?

Got it!

But yet you have not responded to the fact that he has never ever made a move on you!

Why is that?

Link to comment
With all due respect, this man has done nothing wrong . He has never even flirted with the op.

He smiles when he sees her. So what? I smile at all my colleagues make or female. He gets excited when he sees her? In her opinion but she never said that excitement was evident in his pants?

Sometimes I’m excited to talk to a male colleague because of a work related issue!

 

Why argue the point? I am reading off the same script as you are!! She made it sound as though he's staring at her and liking her back.

 

Do any of us know if that's true or not? How could we? I am replying on the accounts OP has described.

 

Alright?

Link to comment

Unfortunately it seems like this is happening because of voids and emptiness in your life. Outside of work, join some clubs, groups, professional organisations, sports, etc. Take some local career enhancing courses and enjoyable social classes. Create opportunities to make friends and meet people outside of work.

 

Also get a good profile and photos up on some quality dating apps and start messaging and meeting men. This isn't about your boss or your workplace/job, it's about your unfulfilled voids and your imagination/fantasies trying to fill that in.

 

He's not coming on to you or harassing you. The workplace is not a singles bar or dating site. So don't harass him or try to flirt, etc. Meet men on your own time with your own efforts, don't put others at work in awkward positions because of your loneliness and crushes.

he is married so ......
Link to comment
Why argue the point? I am reading off the same script as you are!! She made it sound as though he's staring at her and liking her back.

 

Do any of us know if that's true or not? How could we? I am replying on the accounts OP has described.

 

Alright?

 

“She made it sound as though he is staring at her”

 

That’s true! I am not arguing that! At all!

I an

simply wondering why you would not question what’s true or not in the interest of the op? Rather than assuming what she says is true despite her own admittance of “falling in love” with someone who has never once made a move on her?

 

Yes I read the same script as you. And there is nothing in it to suggest he is a cheater?

Did I miss something?

Link to comment
So he technically is not your boss but a supervisor!

And you are in research? And being paid by a grant?

Got it!

But yet you have not responded to the fact that he has never ever made a move on you!

Why is that?

 

He is a boss in our organization and supervisor.

 

Because what do I have to respond about it? I just wrote what happened, that's everything. I'm not going to discuss his possible attraction to me and honestly I do not care about it. It's not relevant here. He is married and that's it. What is relevant is the fact that I want to stop my attraction or to resolve it somehow. I would also say he is not a "saint" in this sense - no, he didn't make a move, but he did things that married man shouldn't do in my opinion (which also strengthen my attraction to him).

 

PS: I wouldn't know he is married if I didn't see one photo where he is wearing a ring. He never wears a ring at work, never talk about his wife etc.

Link to comment
“She made it sound as though he is staring at her”

 

That’s true! I am not arguing that! At all!

I an

simply wondering why you would not question what’s true or not in the interest of the op? Rather than assuming what she says is true despite her own admittance of “falling in love” with someone who has never once made a move on her?

 

Yes I read the same script as you. And there is nothing in it to suggest he is a cheater?

Did I miss something?

 

Look, this is not my fantasy. I catch him staring at me WHEN I was in love with another man who I was dating and when I didn't care about my boss at all (in the sense of romantic feelings). I've already grew up from fantasizing about what men do or don't do. And it doesn't make sense to describe the situation unclearly since I want to resolve it, dont you think so?

Link to comment

How do you stop it? You tell yourself that if you do anything and the wife finds out, you could get a butt whooping (as most women become enraged over this kind of thing) and you will also be fired and you could be humiliated.

 

You could also end up with him and have him cheating on you too.

 

None of it makes sense. What makes sense is to forget about this slimeball and go find a boyfriend outside of work.

Link to comment
He is a boss in our organization and supervisor.

 

Because what do I have to respond about it? I just wrote what happened, that's everything. I'm not going to discuss his possible attraction to me and honestly I do not care about it. It's not relevant here. He is married and that's it. What is relevant is the fact that I want to stop my attraction or to resolve it somehow. I would also say he is not a "saint" in this sense - no, he didn't make a move, but he did things that married man shouldn't do in my opinion (which also strengthen my attraction to him).

 

PS: I wouldn't know he is married if I didn't see one photo where he is wearing a ring. He never wears a ring at work, never talk about his wife etc.

 

What did he do that made YOU attracted to him? That YOU think a married man shouldn’t do?

None of my brother in laws wear a wedding band. They are not “ring” people. But do occasionally put them on on occasions. So what??? That’s the majority of men!

 

Why would he talk to you about his wife??

He is a professional and by the sounds of it a good one.

 

What should you do about your fantasy that got crushed? Realise it!

Link to comment
How do you stop it? You tell yourself that if you do anything and the wife finds out, you could get a butt whooping (as most women become enraged over this kind of thing) and you will also be fired and you could be humiliated.

 

You could also end up with him and have him cheating on you too.

 

None of it makes sense. What makes sense is to forget about this slimeball and go find a boyfriend outside of work.

 

He is not interested in her?!

Link to comment

I wasn’t “correcting” you just like this married man has not proven to be a ” slimeball”

 

I’m unsure where this animosity towards me arose from?

But I can only assume I accidentally hit a raw nerve?

Sorry!

 

OP, people get hurt and I recommend you pay attention to Sherry .

It’s not all about you but other innocent parties get hurt , spouses, children, extended family etc.

He is married and off limits despite whether he hides that info or not.

 

He might very well be an innocent party here and it sounds to me like he is , but you are not innocent knowing he is off limits. What is it about you that attracts you to a married man?

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...