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Should I message him again?


Air27

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Hi,

 

I'm gay and I met a guy from an app a few months ago. We went on several dates and clicked well. I had to leave after a month as I was working away in another state, and we didn't really stay in touch. I'm now back in town. I messaged him when I moved back asking if he wanted to meet, and he said he was seeing someone, but still was up for meeting. He never confirmed and we haven't been in touch. I've seen him on a few dating apps though, and I often think I'd like to see him again.

 

Do you think I should message him again? I don't want to come across as desperate, and I don't want to force anything, I'm sure if he doesn't want to he would be honest. I often wonder why we're wasting time on these apps when we did seem to maybe have something. It was just several dates, but I often think it could've led to something more serious. I'm 31 and I've never been in a long-term relationship and it does eat away at me sometimes.

 

Advive/thoughts appreciated, thanks

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When he said he was up for meeting that was your opportunity to suggest something specific. Also, if your chemistry was so good, why didn't you make some effort to stay in touch? People lose interest quickly in our fast-paced world.

 

He said he was seeing someone. Understanding the nature of that relationship and whether you are open to non-monogamy is a prerequisite to knowing if you should try to be more involved. I personally would just let it go, but if you're really interested, one more text suggesting specifically what you'd like to get together and do would be best. Then, leave it. He will respond and you will plan a date or he won't.

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Hi,

 

Originally I was meant to be away a lot longer so we just went our separate ways. I felt like the ball was in his court really , I suggested meeting and that's as far as I thought I should take it.

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I'm not assuming anything, I'm actually asking: do you think perhaps that because you've never been in a LTR and it bothers you that you come across to others as desperate, regardless of what you'd like to seem to be? Are you sure this connection you felt with him was mutual? Do you think he might have sensed your desperation?

 

I ask because generally people who don't want to 'seeem desperate' are desperate, and people often can pick up on that.

 

But generally, as you date more and experience romance, that desperation should shrink.

 

And to answer your question, I don't see the harm in one, easygoing message. The biggest risk is not taking one, right?

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Well, the way I see it is that people meet a lot of people on online dating. While he may have been happy to have a few dates and see where it went, he wasn't necessarily super smitten with you and he may have been meeting other people too. Then because you went away, he just moved on.

 

Just as a perspective, sometimes when people say "I'm seeing someone", it can also be a polite way to turn you down. I've had people do that to me before. Although on the other hand he actually could have been seeing someone, but now he's not and he's back on the dating apps.

 

I totally understand that at 31, having never had a relationship, it's normal to want one. I think the important thing though is not to "put all your eggs in one basket". I think you really need to keep your options open and talk to a few guys at the same time and go on dates with different people. Also meeting people in person is usually better. So maybe if you joined some GLBTIQ social groups from Meetup.com or start going to events, like book club, bars, magazine launch, whatever....I'm not sure where you live and you have things like that, but I live in a reasonably big city in Australia and we have a fair few GLBTIQ+ events.

 

I think yeah it's not good to seem desperate so you should have a few options going at the same time. I don't think you should get too invested in only one person early on because if that person wasn't interested, it'd be very disappointing.

 

Regarding this guy, I think because you'd already messaged him before, he knows you were keen. If he's back on the apps and he hadn't thought to message you, not sure if he's necessarily interested. You could message him again and just say "hi" and ask if he wants to meet. But if he seems vague then I think just leave it and try to make dates with other guys.

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