Getting back together after mutually agreed no contact period

I'm F (25) and my ex is M (27). We've been officially together for 7 months and my ex was always the clingy one in the relationship. Throughout the course of our time together, he ultimately disregarded his friends and his personal time. He dreaded being alone and always want to hang out together after work. I figured that was unhealthy, his obsessive nature, at the start. I demanded space once but quickly went back to our normal routine. He would always follow me when I try to hang out with my friends and was always upset when I do overtime at work. I tried to live with this and told myself that he is just trying to love me as well so it went on.

Eventually, out of the blue, he just told me he thinks he would be happier alone as being in a relationship pressures him and stresses him out. So he decided to leave. I think after much argument and talking, he became burned out with hole that he has dug for the both of us. He missed hanging out with his friends. He sensed that at some point the relationship took away his freedom and his individuality. He said he is being a coward and is aware that leaving is a mistake. He loves me and deeply cares for me but he said that he doesn't want to hurt me further because he has his own ed up issues that he doesnt understand as well.

We both never saw it coming.

I was immediately okay with it until my anxiety kicked in. His fear of engulfment triggered me so bad that we run back and forth. I wanted to help him. I want to fight to keep what's left of us because despite his flaws, I believe what we had is worth it.

Eventually, we both decided to not contact each other for 2-3 weeks to clear things out. It sucks for but he wishes that it will help me move as well but also considers it as a time for us to both think about what we want out of it. We agreed to talk after this period and give it a try. He said he'll give his best but we have to be both prepared for the outcome this time: if it works, it works; if not we have to amicably separate ways for good.

The love is still there despite the tension between us. I was thinking of asking him to go to therapy together once we are both ready to talk again. Do you think we still have a shot? Do you think couples therapy after our separation is still a good idea? What can we do?

Well I'm not a psychologist but there is definitely unhealthy behaviour on both sides here which both of you acknowledge so that's a start.

Personally I would forget couples counseling for now and just seek help as individuals. Both of you getting better would be the best thing before ever thinking of a relationship again. Your paths may meet again down the line or may not but it feels like you are just trying to force the issue now.

Unfortunately it sounds like it's run it's course and he's using the "it's me, not you"," space" and "confused" excuses to end things. Do not try to fix or save him. Do not suggest therapy after only 7 mos of dating. Try to let go. It's not about "we" anymore.

he just told me he thinks he would be happier alone as being in a relationship pressures him and stresses him out.

 

I was thinking of asking him to go to therapy together once we are both ready to talk again.

If a couple splits within the honeymoon phase there is never going to be longevity in the relationship.

So, no, counselling will be futile.

Accept that this relationship is over.

What you can do in the future , is to stick to your boundaries .

You once demanded space but ended up not getting any because you allowed it. Why did you?

He clearly is insecure. But that’s his issue to deal with by himself. And it certainly sounds like he realises it. And realises that you two are incompatible. He possibly wouldn’t have behaved the way he did with someone he was compatible with.

Continue nc indefinitely for both your sakes.

I completely understand his position. If he doesn't get help, he'll never be able to enjoy a healthy relationship. You can't be his therapist. He needs to get over this on his own and if you're both available, once he's gotten better at setting boundaries and taking care of himself, you can pick it up from there. It'll take a while though, so I wouldn't hold my breath.

If you think you need help too, go for it, you can never go wrong with therapy.

We both never saw it coming.

The above isn't true. Not for him, at least. I hate to break it to you, OP, but very few dumpers have put zero thought into ending the relationship before they actually do it. It's not as though he was coasting along just fine until he woke up one morning and thought to himself, "I think I'll dump redvelvy today." He might not have debated it for a long time, but the chance that he almost certainly didn't spontanelousy decide to walk away.

And really, you two don't sound like a good fit. It's a bad sign when you're considering couple's counselling after just 7 months together. That strongly suggest one or both of you is trying to force a square peg into a round hole. I also get the impression that he has agreed to talk again in a couple weeks because he feels bad for hurting you and not because his heart is really into making this work. Talk to him after the agreed-upon period anyway, hear what he has to say, but I think you should brace yourself for this really being over.

It's a bad sign when you're considering couple's counseling after just 7 months together. That strongly suggest one or both of you is trying to force a square peg into a round hole.

This, sorry to say.

I get the sense that you've still got some blinders up—more than he does. Makes sense. From the start you were in the "power" position. He clung hard, poured himself into things, was the eager puppy dog at your ankles always wanting to play and be pet. Much as that frustrated you, there's a a lot of comfort in that, in being an object of adoration and obsession.

Given how brief this relationship is, I'd challenge yourself to consider the idea that it would never have taken off were it not for (a) his obsessive clinginess and (b) your own subconscious need to be clung to. Something in you craved that, coddled it. Annoying as it was, it was great for the ego.

But not for his ego, not for his spirit. He poured it all in and, as happens, found himself feeling empty. People don't fill back up in a 2-3 weeks. They fill up over years, and once they do they don't gravitate toward people who empty them out. So, sadly, a mark of his "getting better" and "working on his issues" will be to further detach from you.

I'd say the same for you. Your attachment point to him is unhealthy, ego-driven. You didn't like when he was a needy puppy, but you really didn't like it when the puppy grew teeth, walked away. Your power was lost. When he walked away, you ran toward him, and remain in that state right now. You say you want to "help," that you want to "fight for what's left despite his flaws," but the truth in relationships like this—the very hard truth to swallow—is that without those flaws (his and yours) there is no relationship, no attachment.

As long as you have a narrative in your head that says he is broken and you are fixed there is nothing here save you longing for a sense of power you once had but dressing up that longing in the loftier language of love and affection. It's self-serving, and no one on the planet wants to be in a relationship in which they are the "broken" and "flawed" one. Sadly, you both feel that way right now—about him.

Breaking up in a relationship of only 7 months is not healthy - it sounds like he has issues and needs a counselor more than a girlfriend.

We call them breakups because they are broken.