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Thread: Fight over family

  1. #1

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    Fight over family

    Hi, my boyfriend and I are engaged for 2 years and since I have a job opportunity in other country I need to move. And he is ok with that, he wants to come with me too, but not imidiately, after 4 months because I need to go alone first to see if I can get a job surely. But his sister now got pregnant accidentally and he told me that I need to understand him that he will stay here until his sister give birth so he can see the baby. So because of his sister we will see each other after 6/7 months. And I am angry now because we can't move with our lives now, because that is more important to him than us. If I told him that he gets mad. I don't now what to do now. To be patient for now to see how things are going? Because he told me if I don't understand him now that we break up then.

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    First of all, you're not even sure that you're going to have a job in the new country. Secondly, if two additional months of waiting is a deal-breaker for you, I would question your commitment to this relationship.

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    7 months is the blink of an eye in the span of one's life. If you can't make this consensus now, for a very temporary situation, you're not mature enough to be in a serious relationship.

  4. #4
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    OP, you don't even know yet if you have a job in this other country. You're making plans based on a hypothetical.

    I don't think it's unreasonable of him to postpone the move to be home for the birth of his niece or nephew, especially considering you don't yet have a concrete plan for employment. And really, what harm is another 2 or 3 months going to do? It's not as though he's cancelling the move altogether or staying behind just because he doesn't feel like going.

    Unless there is a lot more you're leaving out, I would try to be supportive of his choice in light of the circumstances.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Sorry, but I think that him staying like that because his sister is pregnant is ridiculous. He is not the father of the child and he can come back to see her when the time comes. Being so overly enmeshed with his family isn't exactly healthy mature adult behavior. Either he isn't ready to spread his wings and build his own life or he is just the kind of a person who will never have a separate life from his family.

    My money is on the latter since he is telling you that you better be comfortable with that, because this is who he is and if you aren't happy walk away now. If I were you, I wouldn't hold my breath waiting on change. If who he is today isn't working for you, then it's your clue to walk away, focus on your life, job, and meeting someone who is more compatible with you and your personal goals and desires in life.

  7. #6
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I wouldnít create a fight over plans that arenít even firm. You donít even know if youíre going to have that job yet, be able to keep it or if he can even get one .

  8. #7
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I think it he wont go with you as planned, but months later, then the sister being pregnant is a pretty flimsy excuse to not go. He can go with you as you planned and fly home to see the new baby once born. Maybe he doesnt actually want to move to a new country.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He doesn't really want to go. Also your reasons for moving there sound iffy. Why can't you first apply for positions and when you get an interview and an offer, talk about moving. This has nothing to do with his sister or how she got pregnant. This has to do with serious issues in your relationship.
    Originally Posted by Sara0101
    I need to go alone first to see if I can get a job surely. he told me if I don't understand him now that we break up then.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Sara0101
    Hi, my boyfriend and I are engaged for 2 years and since I have a job opportunity in other country I need to move. And he is ok with that, he wants to come with me too, but not imidiately, after 4 months because I need to go alone first to see if I can get a job surely. But his sister now got pregnant accidentally and he told me that I need to understand him that he will stay here until his sister give birth so he can see the baby. So because of his sister we will see each other after 6/7 months. And I am angry now because we can't move with our lives now, because that is more important to him than us. If I told him that he gets mad. I don't now what to do now. To be patient for now to see how things are going? Because he told me if I don't understand him now that we break up then.
    This sounds more like a fight over power and control vs. family. You are expecting him to follow you to another country on demand... without having a job waiting for you there I might add... he is willing to accept you leaving for 4 months to go and secure employment... but you are not willing to accommodate his staying for an extra two months to be with his family?

    Granted it is probably a power move on his part... he may feel that he is doing all of the compromising in this situation and wants some of his power back so he is telling you that he isn't going to do things on your terms... he wants it on his terms. That being said... if I were the one asking my boyfriend to move to another country, away from his family, for a job that doesn't even exist yet, after I said I wanted to go for 4 months alone, I would be happy to accommodate him staying an extra few months to be with his pregnant sister.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    I think it he wont go with you as planned, but months later, then the sister being pregnant is a pretty flimsy excuse to not go. He can go with you as you planned and fly home to see the new baby once born. Maybe he doesnt actually want to move to a new country.
    I agree with the above. I think that it is a ridiculous excuse to stay with the sister until she delivers. It makes no sense.

    He does not want to go.

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