Should I continue paying for our pet?

When we broke up, my ex ended up keeping our cat. It recently got sick and had to go to the vet.

He's contacted me and asked me to pay half which I'm happy to do because it's our cat but it is quite a large amount of money to me. He makes significantly more than me and I know he could cover this without blinking an eye.

My friends are telling me that the cat is pretty much his now and if he's going to keep it and potentially use it to flirt with girls, he should be paying for it.

He's been very good with letting me visit it when I want but I only see it for a few hours every now and then.

I've never been in a situation like that before so I'm not sure what is reasonable.

The cat is his.

Which means you should not be seeing the cat nor should you know about it’s welfare or be paying anything.

I had a dog with an ex. When we split I kept the dog. My ex never saw him again. And I certainly would never have asked for money for vet bills. The dog died about 5 years later. My ex doesn’t know nor should he.

Tell your ex you won’t be paying and that you won’t be seeing his cat anymore. It’s hard I know , but it is at the end of the day, a pet not a child.

Sorry!

It is his responsibility. Do not pay anything.

What the others are saying.

He "kept" the cat—so, now, the cat is his. If he wants to be petty and not let you visit after this—bummer, but hopefully it doesn't come to that. And, hey, if it does—well, maybe it should. An ex is an ex is an ex. Best to accept that and not let 10lbs of fur be the things that gets in the way.

I have one friend who, following a breakup, successfully did split custody with their dogs: one week on, another off. Friendly breakup, unconventional arrangement—worked for them. I'd imagine they split the cost of care because, well, they split the caring for their dogs 50/50.

But that's a one off. Everyone else I've ever known to breakup with pets involved—well, one person keeps the pets and the other lets them go. Sucks. But life. And the person who keeps the pets is the one to take care of them: food, toys, exorbitant vet bills, all of it.

His pet, his responsibility including all financial responsibilities. Don't visit your ex nor the cat anymore. Let them live their lives while you move on with yours.

If it was a case like blue describes 50/50 then yes splitting bills would make sense.

But generally couples choose who keeps the pet not for selfish reasons but who is capable of giving the best life to that pet based on time available for the pet, living arrangements etc.

My ex and I did not have an amicable split but it was amicable whennit came to discussing the dog. He loved our dog as much as I did , but he knew the best outcome for the dog was to be with me. He must have missed him terribly. But he did the right thing.

I think you should give up your visits to the cat because really it’s only about you , not the cat.

If you insist you still want to see the cat for 3hrs a week (168 hours) so 1.8% of the week, then offer 1.8% of the vet bill.

And no more.

Agree with everyone else..it's not your cat it's his cat now so be should pay it all just accept that you won't be able to see the cat anymore.

Also it means you can end all contact with the ex as well.

If you need a pet get a new one.

Unfortunately as long as you are visiting and referring to it as "our cat" then you may want to chip in a bit. Or better yet, stop visiting your exbf's place and the cat.

He's contacted me and asked me to pay half which I'm happy to do because it's our cat but it is quite a large amount of money to me.

He's been very good with letting me visit it when I want but I only see it for a few hours every now and then.

Your friends are correct. He took the cat and is fully responsible for it.

Whether you're obligated to and whether it'd be the decent thing to do are two different things. If this had in essence been your cat and he's got it by virtue of you not being able to take it and you having asked him to take care of it in lieu of forfeiting it to the shelter, going as far as to request "visitation," then speaking personally, I'd pay half a vet bill, even if I'd be free to tell him to bug off. It does't sound like he's asking you to pitch in for cat food, litter, scratch pads, or whatever other routine expenses, so 1.8% of the vet bill or whatever isn't making a lot of sense to me. Up to you. I just know what I'd do.

If it was simply a matter of you two getting it and he opted to keep it, then it is what it is. That's the risk you take getting a pet with someone. I wouldn't pay him, but I'd also accept the fact any benefits and visitation with the cat were forfeited when your responsibility for it ended.

Is it the case that you're having him home it until you can make living arrangements to accommodate the cat yourself?

Hopefully the cat is ok now?

I think it's fair to chip in since you've been treating him/her as a shared cat still. It's be kinda ugly imo to be claiming ownership but then bail when a vet visit is needed. I wouldn't get hung up on exact amounts, but something in goodwill since you entered this agreement voluntarily ( to share after breaking up).

Then reassess the practicality of continuing to see this cat as shared. No more visits to the exes.

I noticed how your friends threw in there that you shouldn't pay if he's using the cat to flirt with other girls. That's kinda petty, and I hope you won't get hung up on pettiness.

It's just time to let the ex and the cat go completely.

Unfortunately as long as you are visiting and referring to it as "our cat" then you may want to chip in a bit. Or better yet, stop visiting your exbf's place and the cat.

I vote for "stop visiting your exbf's place and the cat." Sever the relationship and get on with your life without either of them in it. "Sharing" a cat seems rather like a means to keeping your ex in your life rather than a need to see your pet. Up to you if you throw him a few bucks before you exit stage left for good.

I'm not sure I would make a big deal out of it although I understand this could be painful and confusing depending on your relationship or the break up - either say no, or help with the bill if you feel like he's helped you out in the past. Don't overanalyze it. Different people process break ups differently. If both of you are friendly, I'd speak about it in person and ask him if he really feels like he needs help with it financially. Leave room for misjudgment or genuine errors. Normally people revert back to their regular selves in person - there are no text messages, screens, pretenses or conjured displays to hide behind and less room for misunderstandings.

Unfortunately as long as you are visiting and referring to it as "our cat" then you may want to chip in a bit. Or better yet, stop visiting your exbf's place and the cat.

I second this post. Nailed it.

 

I think you should give up your visits to the cat because really it’s only about you , not the cat.

If you insist you still want to see the cat for 3hrs a week (168 hours) so 1.8% of the week, then offer 1.8% of the vet bill.

And no more.

The 1.8% thing wasn’t meant to be taken seriously lol

It was to highlight how ridiculous it is that he requests the op to pay half.

As she said herself he can easily afford it. So why is he asking? Because he knows she is attached to the cat and likely will pay. He is taking the pisss!

Sorry OP but it’s not healthy to be visiting the cat or your ex at all.

Well, in my opinion this all depends on the particular situation. In *some* cases, people stay friends with an ex, or at least acquaintances/on good terms. I'm still friends with an ex I was with for 1.5 years and we broke up 3.5 years ago and are both in a two year relationship with someone else. You obviously ended on friendly terms because you still keep in touch with your ex and he lets you visit the cat. How often do you visit? If you wanted to visit quite often, would he let you? Does he pay for everything else for the cat? I think whether you want to keep chipping in for the vet bills depends on whether you want to continue seeing the cat. I sort of agree that if you're going to keep visiting the cat and your ex pays for all the food and cat litter, maybe you can pay half a vet bill when required. Unless the cat is constantly sick then having to pay for the vet will hopefully be a rare occurrence?

The 1.8% thing wasn’t meant to be taken seriously lol

It was to highlight how ridiculous it is that he requests the op to pay half.

As she said herself he can easily afford it. So why is he asking? Because he knows she is attached to the cat and likely will pay. He is taking the pisss!

 

Sorry OP but it’s not healthy to be visiting the cat or your ex at all.

Thanks for that Billie. It did make me laugh a little bit. I'm not sure why he's asking, he spends more than that on a piece of clothing. Sometimes, he would treat his friends to gifts of the same amount but I guess he might see this as a shared responsibility and bill.

Another reason might be weeks before he asked for the contribution, I initiated full NC and blocked him on all social media because of an incident so I'm not sure if he's reaching out now for validation because he knows I will respond if it's related to our cat.

You're right about me being extremely attached to the cat. It was the first pet we got together and trained together. Whenever I visit it, it 's so excited to see me and meows so happily and it breaks my heart to think that it might be missing me while I'm gone. It doesn't help that my friends keep reminding and telling me that they feel sorry for the cat if I don't visit because we're all the cat has. They know how attached the cat is to me and my ex but I know my ex loves that cat and will look after it as well so I know it'll be in good hands and I guess eventually it'll forget about me too and stop hurting.

BUt if the cat really means so much to you do you pay towards its upkeep? Food etc every week. If you love this cat so much and he's paying all the time for it i guess the next question is why wouldnt you chip in now and then?

I just see it as easier that it is HIS cat and you walk away? It can't be "ours" when it's costing nothing and then "his" when it does.

Agree.....

It can't be "ours" when it's costng nothing and then "his" when it does.

Thanks for that Billie. It did make me laugh a little bit. I'm not sure why he's asking, he spends more than that on a piece of clothing. Sometimes, he would treat his friends to gifts of the same amount but I guess he might see this as a shared responsibility and bill.

 

Another reason might be weeks before he asked for the contribution, I initiated full NC and blocked him on all social media because of an incident so I'm not sure if he's reaching out now for validation because he knows I will respond if it's related to our cat.

 

You're right about me being extremely attached to the cat. It was the first pet we got together and trained together. Whenever I visit it, it 's so excited to see me and meows so happily and it breaks my heart to think that it might be missing me while I'm gone. It doesn't help that my friends keep reminding and telling me that they feel sorry for the cat if I don't visit because we're all the cat has. They know how attached the cat is to me and my ex but I know my ex loves that cat and will look after it as well so I know it'll be in good hands and I guess eventually it'll forget about me too and stop hurting.

Ahh!! Now it’s making sense? He is using the cat as a source of contact.

My dog never showed any signs of missing my ex at all but I’m sure if my ex did turn up he would be all over him like a rash!

Out of sight out of mind for most pets!

Sorry but you know your cat is in good hands. Not mistreated. Well looked after.

You do need to remove yourself from both the cat and your ex.

Your friends are inadvertently being unhelpful in this situation.

Be strong and stay nc. In fact block your ex so he can’t use the cat to contact you and pull at your heart strings.

Sorry!!!

He's using you to pay for kittie's bills. He's playing on your sympathy. And/or using kitty as a pity pawn to keep you around.

Thanks for that Billie. It did make me laugh a little bit. I'm not sure why he's asking, he spends more than that on a piece of clothing. Sometimes, he would treat his friends to gifts of the same amount but I guess he might see this as a shared responsibility and bill.

 

Another reason might be weeks before he asked for the contribution, I initiated full NC and blocked him on all social media because of an incident so I'm not sure if he's reaching out now for validation because he knows I will respond if it's related to our cat.

 

You're right about me being extremely attached to the cat. It was the first pet we got together and trained together. Whenever I visit it, it 's so excited to see me and meows so happily and it breaks my heart to think that it might be missing me while I'm gone. It doesn't help that my friends keep reminding and telling me that they feel sorry for the cat if I don't visit because we're all the cat has. They know how attached the cat is to me and my ex but I know my ex loves that cat and will look after it as well so I know it'll be in good hands and I guess eventually it'll forget about me too and stop hurting.

I think you are spinning a narrative in your head that suits your own feelings (which I suppose is normal) However; Believe me, if the cat never saw you again, it wouldn't care. As long as its getting food and being petted when IT CHOOSES to be petted, by anyone that will feed and pet, it won't be bothered much about your absence. Just ask any adult cat that is adopted from an animal shelter ;o)

Now that you say you blocked your ex, It would indeed seem that he's just asking for the money because he feels he's no longer getting your attention.

Whether people are friends with their ex's or not, when there is bs like what appears to be going on here, going on that is when it's time to sever so called "friendships" with an ex so that you, (the general you), them and any pets can get on in life without the drama (JMO, of course).