My fiancé uses porn even when I ask for sex that day

I really need help.

I have been with my partner for almost 3 years and he never initiates anything. When I ask him for it he tells me every excuse in the book and then I find out later that day he has used porn again. He says he loves me but thats not love. Recently, we had a massive argument and I threatened to leave after I told him how I really felt (hurt and alone) and he said he won't use it again. 2 weeks later he's used it again and again and this time I know because he deletes the internet history and he denies it all the time.

 

I dont think I can hold on much longer in a relationship where I'm feeling self concious like I am and so hurt because of the lies.

 

What should I do?

duplicate..

Move on. You should not have to beg for sex.

 

He has shown you, time and again, things will not change.

 

Do you think that he has an addiction?

Your partner has proven to you that he is not a man of his word. He said he "won't use it again", then proceeded to use it again. A person who can't be trusted by their word is a big red flag, in my opinion.

 

It's up to you whether or not you are willing to accept a person who sees nothing wrong with telling you what you want to hear all the while behaving however he pleases. Watching porn in and of itself is not necessarily an issue; what IS an issue is making a promise not to do something and then sneakily doing it anyway.

IMO you should end it. If he never initiates before marriage, it’s not going to get better afterwards. He is lying to you and abandoning you intimately.

Move on. He's proven he's a liar. Unless you want a lifetime of this, you should cut your losses and move on.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this.

 

This is something I can relate to. My ex sounds exactly like this and I eventually found out it was because had checked out of the relationship and I didn't find out until years later.

 

I would recommend maybe going to relationship counselling and tell him how it makes you feel when he does something like that.

 

Otherwise, don't waste any more time on him. There are so many people out there who find you attractive, don't stay with someone who can't see that.

 

All the best. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk or find out more about counselling.

He may have an addiction to porn and it's not something that he is able to work through on his own. Encourage him to get help and support for it and be prepared to go your separate ways. The more you understand that you don't have control over others, the less you will struggle and learn to accept what is. I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you find peace for yourself and answers too.

When did the sex decline? Are you living together? How long? Do you have kids? How old? It's not about porn, it's about poor sex and affection and communication. Has either of you let yourself go? Is he overweight? Lazy? Is there chronic resentment or relationship conflict.

 

Do you ever do things you did when first dating? Try to pin point when the sex/affection started to nosedive. That will help you rewind and repair. Make yourself scare. Go out a lot more. Take some courses, join some clubs, groups, etc. get in shape and update your clothes and look. This will help whether you leave or decide to stay.

 

You are incorrectly focusing on porn, but the real issue is lack of effort, sex, affection, romance etc. You are also placing too much value on him, telling him he makes you "self conscious" .If he's just gotten lazy and indifferent, end it.

 

Don't make empty threats, don't beg, don't rail against the evils of porn. Don't forbid or monitor behavior. Just decide he's too lazy/selfish/indifferent and pack up and leave. it's that simple.

I have been with my partner for almost 3 years and he never initiates anything. I threatened to leave after I told him how I really felt (hurt and alone) and he said he won't use it again.

That's some wise advice, Wiseman2.

Hi hollyj. You're right I shouldn't, I feel like I'm begging for it, sometimes even asking him doesn't seem to phase him and he always has a prepared excuse.

 

I don't think he does but he has been using it since 13. He is now 28 but has a real life person in front of him who asks for it. Thats what I don't get as he still relies on porn, and I'm secondary to it. Thats what I don't understand.

You're right JenCrowley, that exactly sums it up for me. I told him in the context of me asking, that watching porn instead of giving me an excuse hurts me. Makes me feel unwanted and somewhat unattractive, not enough for him. He said I was none of those things and the cycle starts again. I want to break the cycle but don't know how.

Intimately and emotionally, that's spot on @Chelsea54

I have never been engaged to someone before and he only asked me a year ago.

I want to break the cycle but don't know how.

. You are making him responsible for your feelings, hurt, insecurity, etc. Guilt tripping is Never sexy. Stop it. Stop begging. Stop nagging. Stop policing. Stop controlling. Get out of the house and start getting more elusive, mysterious and interesting.

 

Stop doing this:

I told him in the context of me asking, that watching porn instead of giving me an excuse hurts me. Makes me feel unwanted and somewhat unattractive, not enough for him.

Porn addiction, and he probably has some issues, maybe Ed. He also may not be in love with you or attracted to you anymore (if he ever was).

 

My ex had the same issues with a previous boyfriend - he was addicted to porn, but would not touch her, refused to even try Viagra. She eventually broke up with him. I didn't have any problem like that, our sex life was great.