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Social media and dating


mandeelove

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If you are 100 percent exclusive and committed to a person and you did some fun things together such as(vacation, scenic outting etc) would you add a picture to your social media of you together? How much of a red flag is it,if one person in the relationship never posts your picture?

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It would depend on whether the person regularly posts photos on social media. I never do. I list myself as married but do not link to my husband's account because his account is only nominal - he never logs on. I have old photos of the two of us in my profile and my profile photo is from our 2008 wedding.

 

I think it would be a red flag if you post a photo and your SO tells you to take it down and the only possible reason is because he doesn't want people to know you are dating. If there is another legitimate reason then it's fine. And again if he posts lots of photos of activities he does with family and friends and never includes any photos that have you in it I'd have some concerns.

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My partner and I acknowledge each other as being in a relationship on FB; neither of us would dream of putting up pictures of the other - our relationship is between us, and doesn't need validating by showing off to the rest of the world. Red flag? Hardly!

 

However, if your partner is trying to hide the fact that you're together, puts up loads of pics of fun activities with others and describes themselves as 'single' then yes - you have a problem.

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If you are 100 percent exclusive and committed to a person and you did some fun things together such as(vacation, scenic outting etc) would you add a picture to your social media of you together? How much of a red flag is it,if one person in the relationship never posts your picture?

 

Very little impact. Some people have a social media account for their photography or for professional networking or to play online games. Its how they treat you that's important.

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I'd find it a bigger red flag if my partner needed to be validated after every fight by strangers on the internet, especially if she ended up staying anyway.

 

That level of dysfunction, would be down right unbearable, and would make issues like pictures on social media a mere symptom of a much larger problem

 

Thats just me though, I wouldnt care if my partner posted vacation photos.

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My partner and I acknowledge each other as being in a relationship on FB; neither of us would dream of putting up pictures of the other - our relationship is between us, and doesn't need validating by showing off to the rest of the world. Red flag? Hardly!

 

However, if your partner is trying to hide the fact that you're together, puts up loads of pics of fun activities with others and describes themselves as 'single' then yes - you have a problem.

I agree. If a person is private 100 percent, I'd expect them to be private overall. But no, he would add him and friends,family etc. Just doesn't add me. We recently went on vacation where some of his friends were there too. He posted the pic of his friend and him, as well as scenery, but none of him and I. That's what makes it upsetting.
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I agree. If a person is private 100 percent, I'd expect them to be private overall. But no, he would add him and friends,family etc. Just doesn't add me. We recently went on vacation where some of his friends were there too. He posted the pic of his friend and him, as well as scenery, but none of him and I. That's what makes it upsetting.

 

Yes - I wouldn't like that but it is so hypothetical because I've never been in a relationship that involved public posting of photos of us together (other than the photos I posted when I first joined facebook many years ago in my photo library).

 

What does he say when you ask him?

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I agree. If a person is private 100 percent, I'd expect them to be private overall. But no, he would add him and friends,family etc. Just doesn't add me. We recently went on vacation where some of his friends were there too. He posted the pic of his friend and him, as well as scenery, but none of him and I. That's what makes it upsetting.

 

I don't post pictures of anyone where i don't get explicit permission to do so. How long have you been dating? If everything else is good, and he posted scenery pics and ONE pic of him and a friend i would not worry about it.

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Yes - I wouldn't like that but it is so hypothetical because I've never been in a relationship that involved public posting of photos of us together (other than the photos I posted when I first joined facebook many years ago in my photo library).

 

What does he say when you ask him?

Yes I understand. When I mention it, he says he doesn't like how he looks in the pictures. Which makes no sense being that he added the one with his friend from same trip. He looks the same in it . Or other times he says I'm insecure that I want a photo posted.
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Considering social media accounts come with various settings these days, it would be petty in my mind to argue against appearing or representing yourselves as a happy couple on the basis of privacy issues. In other words, if someone's worrying over this, I have to wonder how small their world is. Sorry. There are a million and one other things I'd think twice about but not this.

 

If it were an issue of exercising individuality, I'd have to wonder really why a person would feel so insecure (perhaps without their own autonomy in real life or struggling with other issues surrounding identity?). All unattractive points.

 

It wouldn't really be the photograph together missing that would irk me or put me off actually. It's the small-mindedness or the unusual knack for being easily bothered over minor issues like appearing like a couple that would be unattractive and stand out to me. Obviously you're a couple. What's the big deal. That part is a major turn off and I'd simply move on.

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Considering social media accounts come with various settings these days, it would be petty in my mind to argue against appearing or representing yourselves as a happy couple on the basis of privacy issues. In other words, if someone's worrying over this, I have to wonder how small their world is. Sorry. There are a million and one other things I'd think twice about but not this.

 

It wouldn't really be the photograph together missing that would irk me or put me off actually. It's the small-mindedness or the unusual knack for being easily bothered over minor issues like appearing like a couple that would be unattractive and stand out to me. Obviously you're a couple. What's the big deal. That part is a major turn off and I'd simply move on.

It really didn't bother me at all until we took vacations that involved other people and he posted them, and everything else but me. If he stayed private I'd accept it. I know alot of people who stay private. But he doesn't. He adds everything but me. That's why it irked me after a while.
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Go easy and just observe and date each other. Dating is about seeing if you can put up with various behaviours and stay committed. If you hold on too fast and too strong at the beginning, you just look and sound like a weirdo (too controlling and uptight). Have you spoken to him about it? You can either walk away, having your own philosophy, or bide your time and think carefully about whether these are things about his personality that you can tolerate.

 

I will note that appearing this way or feeling this way does not make you look attractive or appear endearing. It's bringing out the worst in you. You might want to be aware of that.

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I don't know the specifics of your relationship—how long you've been together, etc.—but personally I prefer that my relationships stay largely undocumented on social media. It's private, personal, and frankly I think putting it all out there for "likes" and heart emojis is cheap.

 

I'm 100 percent committed and exclusive with someone, for instance, but we've never popped up on each other's feeds in our five months together. We've taken trips together, gone out with friends, done all sorts of cool stuff, and both of us have posted from those things together: landscapes, food, our friends faces, etc.

 

But no photos of each other—and I'm 100 percent certain we are both batsh*t crazy about each other. In our case, I think this is just a kind of value we share. I don't think social media is particularly important to either of us—we've literally spent exactly zero seconds talking about it in 5 months together—and I also think we both value autonomy. Her feed is hers, mine is mine; neither exist to affirm the depth of our feelings for each other. We know what's what because of what happens away from the screens.

 

Will we ever post photos of each other? Maybe—but if and when that comes it won't mean anything. It won't mean we're more official, more serious, more whatever; it will mean, simply, that one of us decided, for whatever reason, to post a photo of the other.

 

I get the social media is important to a lot of people, but I think using it to gauge someone's feelings about—well, about anything—is a quick road to nowhere fast. It's just petty, mistaking the surface for the core. From what I've seen out there in the world, it's the couple's who post the most that are generally the least happy, and whenever there's an uptick in "couple stuff" on feeds it generally means someone is insecure in a relationship that has bigger issues than posts.

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Yes I understand. When I mention it, he says he doesn't like how he looks in the pictures. Which makes no sense being that he added the one with his friend from same trip. He looks the same in it . Or other times he says I'm insecure that I want a photo posted.

 

I think it's fine if he doesn't like how he looks in the picture. Either you trust him or you don't.

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I agree the whole social media culture is off. Most people are faking their lives and happiness . I dont expect my partner to post 50 pics a week or lovey dovey captions. We are grown ups too. But once a year ,on vacation ,whats the issue? Thats how I see it. We have been together 3 years and over the years whether its a big event or a vacation,he will not post me. Only his friends or family.

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I agree the whole social media culture is off. Most people are faking their lives and happiness . I dont expect my partner to post 50 pics a week or lovey dovey captions. We are grown ups too. But once a year ,on vacation ,whats the issue? Thats how I see it. We have been together 3 years and over the years whether its a big event or a vacation,he will not post me. Only his friends or family.
Its not about trust or anything like that. I just feel like a dummy that I support him on all his endeavors but he wont post me as being apart of those special days. It looks like I dont exist.
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The issue is only an issue if, well, it's an issue. Which, to you, it is.

 

And that's fine. If this is something you need from a relationship—a partner who posts photos of you during vacations, or at the same or similar frequency that he'll post friends and family, in order to feel like you "exist"—then after three years you know you're with someone who doesn't meet that criteria.

 

Because here's the thing: Would you really feel soothed if next time you take a trip together he posts a photo with you because you'd had a "talk" about this? Would you feel better—that he is invested in you and your feelings—if this is something he "changes" to meet your needs?

 

I don't mean that to sound flip, really. My last girlfriend was pretty fond of social media on this front. She liked to show me off on there, and didn't like that I didn't "reciprocate." This had nothing—nothing—to do with my feelings for her. I sent photos of her to my mom, to my friends, because that's just what feels to me like a more intimate and authentic way of sharing that part of my life.

 

Petty as all that was on the surface—yeah, it came up in some tedious talks for both of us—I'd say in our case (also a three year relationship) it was a small symptom of a larger value gap that made us incompatible, to say nothing of a lack of the emotional depth required to sustain a longterm relationship. Perhaps she's found someone who is lighting up his page with photos of her—if so, great! Or perhaps she's found someone whose love and affection she trusted as "existing" a bit more than she ever trusted mine—even better!

 

I can't help but think that this "issue" is maybe a phantom issue for you—that something else is stirring that has you doubting his feelings toward you, his commitment to the relationship. But, of course, I'm biased. I can tell you straight up that I would be 100 percent okay marrying my girlfriend, traveling the world with her, dying by her side, and never once appearing on her social media feed—no matter how many pictures she posts of her daughter, her friends, whatever. If at some point I come to feel like I don't "exist" in her life, it will not be because of her social media etiquette but because at some point we hit some far more serious skids.

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No. I'm 32. That's goofy. If you don't feel appreciated, find a better suitor. Social media should never be a determining factor. My wife and I have maybe one or two pictures of each other on social media, none of which were uploaded by me. Dropped out of that mindset sometime right after college.

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mandee, is the same man you've been dating for almost three years, and have posted numerous threads about over the years?

 

Or someone new?

 

If someone new, thank the lord you ended it with the other guy, and let this one play out for a bit, continue observing, he may not want to "announce" your relationship on SM yet.

 

If it's the same guy you've been dating for three years, the fact he has no problem posting pics w him and everyone else but won't post one with you, yes it's a red flag, imo.

 

But I'm taking into account all your other issues w this guy too, so this combined w everything else, yeah red flag.

 

Edit: And him calling you insecure for mentioning your concern about it? Par for the course don't you think?

 

You've never been able to discuss anything with him without him turning it back on you calling you insecure or needy.

 

To me, that's a bigger problem than the SM pics!

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This has nothing at all to do with supporting him in his endeavors. Does his family know about you? His friends? If the answer is yes there is no need for him to post couple photos or photos of you on Facebook. Are you FB friends with his family/friends? If so they see the photos. How in the world would he be showing support by posting a photo of what you look like?

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I don't really care much about social media so my profile rarely gives a glimpse of my personal life so I wouldn't bother much but it depends on the context.

 

- If he's on social media a lot and posts about many things in his life but seems to purposely avoid posting things that could expose that he's in a relationship with me I'd see it as a redflag. However, if he's rarely on social media and doesn't post much, then I wouldn't care at all.

- If he avoided introducing me to friends and family after a fair time together, then I'd see this as one redflag among him not wanting to introduce me to anyone.

 

I think it depends a lot on the context and on how's the rest of the relationship.

 

I'll be honest with you, I haven't been in a serious relationship for a long time, but I have friends who constantly post love declarations and romantic photos with their significant others and for me it'd be a bit too much and I don't know if I'd feel very comfortable with a man posting all that personal things with me on his social media. However, one photo here and there it's ok for me. I think it really depends on his and yours preferences and your personalities.

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mandee, is the same man you've been dating for almost three years, and have posted numerous threads about over the years?

 

Seems to be.

 

I did a little research here, mandee, and...well, ooof. In December of 2016—so dang near coming up on three years ago—you posted almost this exact thing about someone who, I presume, is the same guy? The same guy who, a year ago, you "trusted 60 percent"? The same guy who, last July, you said "doesn't see me as a person"?

 

Now, I can easily rip your boyfriend to shreds from what you've posted about him, because dude seems...well, you already know. You're with him, being torn to shreds inside this relationship. Which leads me to the real question here: Why keep doubling (and quadrupling and quintupling) down on a dude who keeps bringing you down?

 

Putting on my shrink cap, I'd say this is all a bit connected to the relationship you were in before—the "trauma bond" one. Sounds like it did a number on you, as many relationships can. But I can't help but wonder if you're trying to act that last relationship out with another guy with the same issues—maybe hoping to alleviate that trauma by getting different results?

 

Something to chew on. Yeah, I know I took this off topic, but that's just because I don't believe this post—its subject matter and what led you to post it—has anything to do with, well, posting on social media.

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Seems to be.

 

I did a little research here, mandee, and...well, ooof. In December of 2016—so dang near coming up on three years ago—you posted almost this exact thing about someone who, I presume, is the same guy? The same guy who, a year ago, you "trusted 60 percent"? The same guy who, last July, you said "doesn't see me as a person"?

 

Now, I can easily rip your boyfriend to shreds from what you've posted about him, because dude seems...well, you already know. You're with him, being torn to shreds inside this relationship. Which leads me to the real question here: Why keep doubling (and quadrupling and quintupling) down on a dude who keeps bringing you down?

 

Putting on my shrink cap, I'd say this is all a bit connected to the relationship you were in before—the "trauma bond" one. Sounds like it did a number on you, as many relationships can. But I can't help but wonder if you're trying to act that last relationship out with another guy with the same issues—maybe hoping to alleviate that trauma by getting different results?

 

Something to chew on. Yeah, I know I took this off topic, but that's just because I don't believe this post—its subject matter and what led you to post it—has anything to do with, well, posting on social media.

 

Yes I agree and thought as much. You notice it to this extent because it's part of your larger issue that you don't matter to him the way he matters to you.

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Seems to be.

 

I did a little research here, mandee, and...well, ooof. In December of 2016—so dang near coming up on three years ago—you posted almost this exact thing about someone who, I presume, is the same guy? The same guy who, a year ago, you "trusted 60 percent"? The same guy who, last July, you said "doesn't see me as a person"?

 

Now, I can easily rip your boyfriend to shreds from what you've posted about him, because dude seems...well, you already know. You're with him, being torn to shreds inside this relationship. Which leads me to the real question here: Why keep doubling (and quadrupling and quintupling) down on a dude who keeps bringing you down?

 

Putting on my shrink cap, I'd say this is all a bit connected to the relationship you were in before—the "trauma bond" one. Sounds like it did a number on you, as many relationships can. But I can't help but wonder if you're trying to act that last relationship out with another guy with the same issues—maybe hoping to alleviate that trauma by getting different results?

 

Something to chew on. Yeah, I know I took this off topic, but that's just because I don't believe this post—its subject matter and what led you to post it—has anything to do with, well, posting on social media.

 

Bingo.

 

Except I think the post actually is about social media, I think this is the current argument. For whatever reason i think she seeks validation from us. I don’t believe it’s a sounding board, nor do I believe it’s for advice, far too many times she’s been begged to leave and she stops posting and comes back when the next fight happens as if she’s a brand new poster I’ve said this before it is admirable Mande that you don’t create new accounts each time. But it’s frustrating for posters like me who remember you very well and wish you would stop this toxic cycle for your own mental well being. This relationship is simply

Notna good fit, you get something out of the push and pull but you wouldn’t if you got on healthier ground.

 

I mean at the end of the day let’s say you’re right 110% right, what now? I mean beyond soothing me for a while I don’t see what else I’d get from this cycle of coming here to complain knowing full well I’m not going to leave. I’m not saying don’t come here for advice, I’m saying actually come here for advice and not as an emotional crutch, recognize somethings gotta give...

 

You’ve been told that he’s abusive among many many many other things why then would you still need validation? That led me to believe a while back there is a whole lot going on with you Mandee, I’d bet a shiny quarter he’s not going to change, he’s just not, so why get worked up about it? You either accept him or you don’t. This cycle really really really needs to stop already...

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