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How long does it take for my ex to cool down


ageloc1515

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Hi,

I just had a massive fight with my ex last Monday. My ex and I broke up officially about 3 years ago. We have been staying in contact 6 months later after our breakup. Despite the breakup, my ex admitted to me how his feelings for me didn’t fade even though we are separated. On last Monday, I somehow ‘hack’ through his phone and see his messages with another woman he started chatting with as I have a gut feeling that he didn’t tell me the full story. In the text messages, the girl has given some ‘hints’ that she has a feeling for my ex. My ex has told me how he didn’t have any interest in her. But it didn’t make me feel reassured as he said to me that it’s up to myself to decide on whether to believe in what he said. The argument came like this, it was about how I told him that he should start pursuing the woman he was chatting with. The self-harming words about my own life, my jealousy towards the woman he was talking with. About how I have to hold back my feelings for my ex since he wouldn’t show his feelings he has towards me in order not to give me false hope about getting back together and didn’t believe in his words about the text messages with the woman he was talking with. Every now and then during the argument about the feelings we have for each other and about the thoughts of getting back together, my ex would always bring up a specific incident that I have unintentionally hurt him in our relationship. During our relationship, I said something seriously hurtful to my ex, which my ex still remembers it till now. He told me how this incident will be hard for him to forget and haunt him forever in life. It also made him doubt me whether I will hurt him again by saying the same words or even worse. After the argument, I realize how horrible I was and tried to apologize to my ex via text messages. However, he was still angry and didn’t text me back much despite sending out many text messages on my apologies. I tried to call and ask to meet face-to-face with him to apologize, but he ignores it. My last text message to him was that I’m still here for him and willing to wait for him until he cools down. How long will he cool down and talk to me again? My greatest fear is for my ex to be with another woman and move on. I do love him and miss him. What should I do get that respect back, and how do I deal with my insecurity/ jealousy about him talking with other women even though knowing he still has feelings for me?

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Noone can answer that. You just have to wait.

 

He doesn't want to reconcile though and he's pretty clear about it, despite his feelings towards you.

 

It's hard to accept, I know, but you're gonna have to do that and accept that he can also move on.

 

Don't text him anymore. If he reaches out ,fine. But you'll have to understand that he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with you, and that's all the info you have right now. Work on that, and unless he tells you that he wants you back, everything else would be breadcrumbs.

 

It sucks, but time really heals everything.

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It's over. You're behaving like it isn't over when it was over a long time ago. He doesn't reciprocate those feelings for you at all and he's even told you this (doesn't want to give you false hope). It was wrong to hack into any of his private messages or private life. Both of you should have nothing more to do with each other. You're coming across as unstable and very inappropriate.

 

My initial reaction to his resentment is 'cry me a river'. You should understand that anyone has a right to be upset by what you've said but it doesn't give them control over you and neither should you take on that constant blame or guilt.

 

You're a doormat and just a receptacle for constant guilt and shame which you shouldn't be. It's damaging to you and absolutely unhealthy. Please step away from all this and learn to grow forwards in a more positive way. Acknowledge your mistakes but stop internalizing them and never allow someone to keep demoralizing you or putting you down for the past. It's over.

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Why even argue with an ex from 3 years ago? And why are you going through his phone? If you really hacked his phone then you committed a crime and if someone had done that to me they'd be deleted and blocked right away and if I had evidence I was hacked they'd probably receive a letter from the police too.

 

Also, if you two broke up 3 years ago, you have no place or say in who he talks to and who he dates. He's free to date whoever he wants (and so do you) regardless of the feelings you think he has for you. If he wanted to get back to you he would already have in this 3 years. You need to let go and move on for your own good and you need to avoid entering in stalker territory (with hacks to his phone and stuff) if you want to avoid legal consequences. I also suggest therapy to help you navigate your healing and moving on from this very unhealthy situation if you see that you're not being able to do it alone. It'd also help if you stopped all contact to him (stalking social media included) because that sets you back in your progress to move on.

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Three years ago you guys broke up. Have you been his friend with benefits/eff buddy since six months after breakup? If it's not the sex you are enjoying with him then what is it that keeps you trying to be with a man that clearly is never going to make you his exclusive girlfriend again?

 

You are clearly wasting good dating years on a turd who has you wrapped around his little finger and will take what you are giving but certainly won't give you what you are wanting.

 

Advising strongly that you: Block, delete, heal from your addiction to him and get on with your life without him in it.

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Not to pile on, but...

 

There may be rare exceptions where it can make sense to carry on a friendship after a relationship. This is not one of those.

 

You couldn't make it work when you were together. You haven't been able to reconnect after 3 years. If he hasn't been with other girls already, he's clearly thinking about it. You need to get out there and move on and let him do the same. The longer you hold on the harder letting go will be.

 

You may have said some bad things, but it is probably more complicated than that. But even if things are as simple as "you said something I can't unhear and am not willing to try again", he has the right to move on, and so do you. You owe it to yourself.

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Are you separated, divorced, broken up or on/off? Is there a reason (kids, financial engagements) that you are still in contact? It sounds like a continuum of the drama during the relationship. What was the breakup about? Do you want to move forward or get back together? Right now if you want respect stay no contact.

My ex and I broke up officially about 3 years ago. Despite the breakup, my ex admitted to me how his feelings for me didn’t fade even though we are separated.
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