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"no chemistry" date fails again and again


RKO

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I've been on a fair few 1st dates these past couple of months, decided to really put myself out there. They have all been online ones.

 

They are all starting to follow a familiar pattern in that I'm getting the "I had a lovely time but just felt there wasn't any chemistry"

Message when I get home off them or if I suggest another date.

 

Of course in some cases I feel similar but majority of these I've felt the opposite, we've laughed, talked, no awkward silences, lots of eye contact and then I get that and don't see it coming.

 

Wednesday's date was the hardest to take, i fancied her from the off, conversation flowed and she even suggested staying out a little later and even said "I can't believe youre single" then at the end of the night said couldn't see anything romantic happening.

 

I just don't know where I am going wrong, it's almost making me feel now like what is the point, I've had 4 dates this past week with different girls, one said she wanted to see me again but has ghosted.

 

I'm talkative on dates, would like to think I come across almost as myself, obviously a few nerves.

 

Are people expecting to be blown away on 1st dates and expect the whole world?

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Chemistry is a huge thing when dating. YOu can see someone in pics and they look attractive to you, but in person after a bit of time spent, it might be flat.

 

There is literally nothing you can do about it and it's not your fault. Finding the right fit is very tough.

 

All I can say is, hang in there. Don't take it personally, try not to get too attached early on. And fingers crossed the right match will come along.

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Online dating allows for multiple meets in a short space of time with people you otherwise would never meet.

 

You haven’t actually been on any dates in the past few months.

You simply went to meet others to see if you would like to go on a date with them?

 

If you met someone at a bar and chatted to them for an hr , you wouldn’t consider it a date. It’s just an introduction.

Meeting the second time is a date and because both are interested to meet again.

 

Chemistry is important. And if you or the other person isn’t feeling that attraction then why waste each other’s time?

 

Your expectation of online dating seems too high.

When I online dated , prior to a meet, I never cared if the guy was attracted to me or not, my concern was that I wouldn’t be attracted to them. That would be the most disappointing scenario for me.

 

Of course a girl can say they don’t understand why you are single , because on paper and in person you seem lovely to her. But she can’t help not feeling chemistry for you despite that.

 

How many dates have you been in in the past few months that we’re not online?

That’s the only thing that is comparable.

Are you resorting to online to meet someone?

Or, are you putting the effort in , in real life?

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Online dating allows for multiple meets in a short space of time with people you otherwise would never meet.

 

You haven’t actually been on any dates in the past few months.

You simply went to meet others to see if you would like to go on a date with them?

 

If you met someone at a bar and chatted to them for an hr , you wouldn’t consider it a date. It’s just an introduction.

Meeting the second time is a date and because both are interested to meet again.

 

Chemistry is important. And if you or the other person isn’t feeling that attraction then why waste each other’s time?

 

Your expectation of online dating seems too high.

When I online dated , prior to a meet, I never cared if the guy was attracted to me or not, my concern was that I wouldn’t be attracted to them. That would be the most disappointing scenario for me.

 

Of course a girl can say they don’t understand why you are single , because on paper and in person you seem lovely to her. But she can’t help not feeling chemistry for you despite that.

 

How many dates have you been in in the past few months that we’re not online?

That’s the only thing that is comparable.

Are you resorting to online to meet someone?

Or, are you putting the effort in , in real life?

 

Hmm good analogy, but difference with the meeting at a bar thing is that you've maybe spoken to them for a week or so, message or phone call to see if there is that something there that warrants a meet. I agree with the expectation part as I too have been let down a few times by people.

 

I haven't really been on many real life dates so to speak this last year, them ones though thinking about it have usually had a 2nd date. I'm from a small town so meeting new people that aren't taken is hard, hence the online.

 

There was one girl last year who I met out and we got well, ticked all boxes but I was put off by the distance between us (1 hour) looking back now I'm kicking myself most days I let that slip

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Hmm good analogy, but difference with the meeting at a bar thing is that you've maybe spoken to them for a week or so, message or phone call to see if there is that something there that warrants a meet. I agree with the expectation part as I too have been let down a few times by people.

 

I haven't really been on many real life dates so to speak this last year, them ones though thinking about it have usually had a 2nd date. I'm from a small town so meeting new people that aren't taken is hard, hence the online.

 

There was one girl last year who I met out and we got well, ticked all boxes but I was put off by the distance between us (1 hour) looking back now I'm kicking myself most days I let that slip

 

You spoke to them for a week or so and called to see if a meet is warranted.

Don’t do that! Chemistry can only be determined in person.

No phone calls. It’s futile. And ultimately leads to disappointment more often than not.

 

Try to respectfully arrange a meet as soon as you both can and once a time and date arranged, not much contact in between except to confirm the time. When you arrange a meet for even a week away, simply say, looking forward to it, i will Message you the day before to confirm.

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You spoke to them for a week or so and called to see if a meet is warranted.

Don’t do that! Chemistry can only be determined in person.

No phone calls. It’s futile. And ultimately leads to disappointment more often than not.

 

Try to respectfully arrange a meet as soon as you both can and once a time and date arranged, not much contact in between except to confirm the time. When you arrange a meet for even a week away, simply say, looking forward to it, i will Message you the day before to confirm.

 

It's more for piece of mind, that I'm talking to someone that's not pretending to be a man etc haha.

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Actually not a bad idea at all. You may glean some info from a call. After all what's the difference if you ask them out via text, dating app messaging or voice? Keep in mind most of this isn't about you even though it feels like that because of the many-in-a-row nature of things.

 

The good news is you are getting to the meeting phase. And...you are moving on if it's no to a second meet. After that it's out of your control. They may be meeting a bunch of guys, broke up with someone a nanosecond before throwing up a dating profile, etc. So many factors and variables.

It's more for piece of mind, that I'm talking to someone that's not pretending to be a man etc haha.
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It's more for piece of mind, that I'm talking to someone that's not pretending to be a man etc haha.

 

And what is the likelihood of that?

That’s exactly why you don’t invest too much time online chatting or a phone call before meeting.

Arrange to meet in a very public place and if a man walks up to you then so be it!

You can’t determine if a woman is missing her front teeth by a phone call?! That actually happened to a friend of mine. Had the online chat and the phone call. Met! She was missing teeth! Out of poor neglect not a recent accident!

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I have a new GF now....

 

I got about 40 'No's' before that...

 

Keep on truckin'...

 

:)

 

Actually not a bad idea at all. You may glean some info from a call. After all what's the difference if you ask them out via text, dating app messaging or voice? Keep in mind most of this isn't about you even though it feels like that because of the many-in-a-row nature of things.

 

The good news is you are getting to the meeting phase. And...you are moving on if it's no to a second meet. After that it's out of your control. They may be meeting a bunch of guys, broke up with someone a nanosecond before throwing up a dating profile, etc. So many factors and variables.

 

So true but probably same could be said if you meet someone randomly in a bar etc.

Like you say so many variables. It's just hard

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I have a new GF now....

 

I got about 40 'No's' before that...

 

Keep on truckin'...

 

:)

 

And what is the likelihood of that?

That’s exactly why you don’t invest too much time online chatting or a phone call before meeting.

Arrange to meet in a very public place and if a man walks up to you then so be it!

You can’t determine if a woman is missing her front teeth by a phone call?! That actually happened to a friend of mine. Had the online chat and the phone call. Met! She was missing teeth! Out of poor neglect not a recent accident!

 

I'd rather not waste an evening travelling to find out it's a man when I can find out in seconds otherwise.

 

As for the tooth thing, make sure they have pictures showing their teeth and full body pics haha

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I'd rather not waste an evening travelling to find out it's a man when I can find out in seconds otherwise.

 

As for the tooth thing, make sure they have pictures showing their teeth and full body pics haha

 

His toothless date had great pics online (full set of teeth) and sounded female on the phone!

 

My point is , I think you are setting up date like activities rather than quick introductions. And placing too much expectation .

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Oh and btw my friend who met the toothless girl actually told me that when I met him on an online meet.

We had a great first meet and laugh. I actually did meet him again but for me no chemistry. Just good banter!

We are still fb friends and funnily enough 5 years after that I met his best friend who is married through 2 different avenues. But it’s been now 10 yrs since I saw him, he is happily married and kids.

 

People can actually meet online and have a great time without chemistry!

Dating is not hard! It’s a lot of fun!!!

 

Enjoy it!!

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I think often it's not about "no chemistry" it's just a diplomatic way to express that they're not interested for one reason or the other and they don't want to go into the reasons. I went into the reasons twice when pressed -a lot -by my date. In one case he emailed me a year later to thank me so much for my honest assessment of how negatively he came across, what a blowhard he was, and his rudeness when it came to the bill and how I was to get home (I put it much more diplomatically). In another case he thanked me by email about a month later and recently we reconnected as Facebook friends! But typically either I didn't respond if after a first meet or first date the guy asked me out again and I wasn't interested -to me silence was the best way to convey lack of interest and I preferred silence when the shoe was on the other foot.

 

Some people are expecting to be blown away - "some people" are always expecting something or the other. Not your concern. Just keep on keeping on if marriage and family is what you want (or a long term relationship of some sort). If you're just looking for casual dating once in awhile to me,, personally, meeting through online can be more effort than it's worth. (As opposed to casual hookups -then go to the casual hookup sites and find people to have sex with).

 

For safety reasons (and so as not to waste my time) I never ever met without a phone conversation. Usually we exchanged one or two emails, one phone convo, one to follow up if needed to confirm the meet, then we met. If the person hated talking by phone that's fine and then I knew we wouldn't be a match (back then there was no texting - I didn't have a cell anyway -there was instant messaging which I did not do back and forth until after we met and started going on actual dates). I was able to screen out many men via the phone call either because of lies that I uncovered, dealbreakers or simply the conversation going very poorly so I knew in person wouldn't work either.

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It took me 2 and a half years of going on first meets with about 30 men before I met my future husband. Think of it as sifting through a lot of sand to find the treasure. It's sometimes upsetting and frustrating, but in the end, usually worth it.

 

A bit of communication, some that involved one or two phone calls, had me reject first meets with some of the men, so to me it prevented a waste of my time for a meet up. I never let any communication go on for more than 2 weeks without a date.

 

It's more rare to meet someone with whom you share chemistry, and then go on to find out you match in all the other major ways. It's magical when that happens, so you can't expect magic every time you meet a stranger. Have the mindset you will just try to briefly enjoy the company of another person for a cup of coffee. If it doesn't work out, fate has someone else in store for you. Good luck.

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I'm wondering OP, if it's there's some "checklist" criteria you're not meeting, such as with your family, educational or professional background.

I agree with most others here in that it's probably a chemistry though, but maybe not? Just something to think about, perhaps.

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You might be coming on too strong during your date, of after...and girls can feel that.

You might be doing/saying some wrong things in the date.

You might just not be attractive to them.

 

It could be any number of things...don't take it too personal. The person who is meant for you, will WANT to date you.

 

Put yourself in their shoes...

 

Have you ever gone to meet someone whom you weren't interested in? You can still have a good time, but nothing they do or say is going to make you want to kiss them. It's just how it is :-) Don't take it personally. Most people will not like you, and you need to know, and be okay with that.

 

Stay confident and know your value :-)

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Since we can't go on a first date/meet with you, we can't offer some kind of assessment of what you could possibly tweak, though even if we could I think it would be beside the point since you want to meet someone you likes you, for you, without tweaking.

 

All in all, I really like Billie's attitude about it, in terms of how to approach the first encounter—less as a "date" that might be magical than as an exploratory meet to see if you (and she) feels like another. Most of the time you (and/or she) will not. That's just life, how it goes, noting to be annoyed about. It's like going to a casino—the jackpots are nice, sure, but if you don't enjoy the whole experience (including the losses) you're in for a bad night. Jackpots are rare, you know?

 

Personally, whenever I've used online dating, I've kept the communication to a bare minimum: a quick back and forth to establish that we are decent human beings—say, 10 minutes of texting—followed by the suggestions that we continue the talk in 3D. Coffee? Walk? Drink? In my experience, most people say yes and most of the time I'm meeting up with someone that day or shortly after (an exception being my girlfriend, where our schedules didn't line up for three weeks—three weeks during which we hardly texted, save to see if the other was around to meet).

 

Some people might find this "fast," or "forward"—fine. Those that do tend to say so, and I'm happy to offer a little bit more—like my Instagram handle, which for some reason seems to make people more comfortable, making me more "real" (oh, the oddities of the modern age!). Any whiff I get of someone who would rather text than meet—well, I'm just out. Boring.

 

Anyhow, my point is that personally I'd rather "waste" an hour and half meeting up with someone who turned out to be a toothless man than waste time texting strangers and building fantasies about them. It's an hour of your life, as opposed to a week or more of texting. Yawn. I wouldn't want to spend a week texting Emma Stone. At least meeting a toothless man is a weird story—and, let's be real, most people aren't toothless men; at worst they're just not quite as sparkly as their photos.

 

Moral of the story: if you can really learn to go into these things with zero expectations then you don't get too hung up on when it's a one off, which most are. I did online dating for a little over a year before getting into a committed relationship. If I had to guess I met up with over 30 people, most just once. I'm sure I disappointed some, as some disappointed me. Some fun was had along the way, along with some sex and a few connections that soothed and bruised the heart, but for the most part it was chats over a glass of wine that lead exactly nowhere. Par for the course.

 

When it gets stressful, I think that's when it's time to take a breather. Do something else you like doing to remember that this is all just one part of life. Then dip back in, head up, game for anything—including, of course, not much more than a hi-and-bye.

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Do you look like your pictures? And I don't just mean a little bit. Are your pictures up to date, reflect your weight, age, hairstyle etc.? I've had some experiences in which the person was who they claimed to be but maybe 20-30 pounds heavier than their photos and it was a huge turnoff. These types of things come out of my mouth when that is the case.

 

Outside of looks, I would not reveal too many embarrassing or weird things about yourself on meetup one, but that's just common sense. Also, most girls do not want you to propose anything physical off bat.

 

I agree with others that have been through this process. It just takes a lot of time and often more than a few trial and error meetups before you meet someone you even click with. Keep trucking and good luck!

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Thanks for all your replies, a lot to get through...

 

Pictures all up to date within past 9 months or so, fit, healthy, wouldn't say I'm not good looking, great career, good lifestyle, dont smoke,drugs,drink that much, etc get told a lot that I'm a real good catch.

 

Wouldn't say I come on too strong in dates, maybe the opposite, maybe I should be a bit more flirtatious.

 

On a date I always pick up the bill (try to avoid anything other than drinks on 1st dates) never notice any awkward silences etc, as the date the other night said "couldn't believe I'm single" just don't know where it's going wrong haha.

 

Defintley agree with the going through X amount until you find that match for you. I just find it frustrating, all my friends are in relationships with lovely girls, it's all just happened for them, right place, right time, I work with girls that are so lovely and have horrible partners that treat them rubbish, I see girls out in town that I know are getting cheated on, shallow as it seems I see some super good looking people with average looking guys and I wonder what am i missing.

 

Like you say though you don't come on dates with me, I might be doing something so obviously wrong or perhaps not looking for the right kind of people.

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Are people expecting to be blown away on 1st dates and expect the whole world?

 

 

There's one of your problems. That question is more of a statement than a question. Don't let the rejection get to you and sour your attitude. Once you see dating as a chore and women as the enemy, you might as well just stay home.

 

Overall, you're not likely doing much wrong. You have to realise the chances of meeting someone and having mutual chemistry are astronomically low. And when women say chemistry, they mean attraction. You can be attractive, but that's not the same as a woman being attracted to you.

 

Maintain your confidence and lower expectations.

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I think you should do more target practice (targets are lemon-y). Sorry. You may be going for a type of woman that's incompatible with you but you're not acknowledging it. You hinted at it in post #21 (last sentence).

 

I went on many first dates before meeting my husband later in life. I was rolling and drowning in lemons. Some would say I had a lemon orchard for myself. CEO of the lemonade stand. Director of lemon picking.

 

Be patient and enjoy the ride. Think about what you're looking for and the kinds of things/traits that make you happy long term. Good luck.

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Consider before online dating. Meeting someone you have chemistry with was rare. And because it is rare, we appreciate it more.

 

Now, random people who you would have never crossed paths with pop up on your screen on a daily basis. If you were take into consideration that 99% of these people are not going to be your match, despite all the effort it sometimes takes into arranging a meeting and sharing a cup of coffee. you shouldn't let it rattle you that you are getting these responses. Learn to expect it and you'll appreciate it when you meet someone who equally shares your interest.

 

As I am writing this I can't help but wonder why you find so many possibilities in these women and you aren't getting it in return. It suggests you might be a little eager and willing to find potential in a lot of women. That's all well and good but at the same time it suggests an over eagerness, possibly? You should be at least as picky as the women you meet up with. Choose carefully.

 

Hang in there. It's a numbers game.

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