Jump to content

Girlfriend never includes me in decisions


Hurkumer

Recommended Posts

I have been with my gf for two years and we have lived together for most of our relationship.

 

She has kids, and I am never included in any parenting decisions and really any sort of decisions.

 

An example is that we have been planning a camping trip for a long time, and right at the last minute, she just announced that she told her son her could bring his two friends along and our neighbor is also coming along.

 

I was the one who actually booked the cabin, paid for it, so itÂ’s not like I am just tagging along. Besides, we are supposedly a couple that functions like we are married. IsnÂ’t inviting three more people to a family camping trip something that should have been run by me first? ShouldnÂ’t I be included?

 

She makes me feel like she doesnÂ’t respect me, like I donÂ’t matter. Any thoughts?

Link to comment

You should not be involved in parenting, as you are not a parent.

 

The situation you wrote about, is another story. She should have asked you before asking anyone else along. Period! Does not matter if you are paying for it, or not. I find it to be rude and inconsiderate.

Link to comment

Yes, this is inconsiderate that she invited all of them without talking with you about it first especially since you booked and paid for it. Have you talked with her about how you feel about this? You have every right to talk with her and explain how this hurts you. Sounds like both of you need to communicate better. If this isn't the only thing she doesn't include you in on when it comes to decision making then you two are long overdue for a discussion on this and a real heart to heart. The two of you should be making this kind of decisions together.

 

As far as decisions with her kids in general. I guess that depends on the situation. In this situation with the family vacation she definitely needs to include you in these. If it's something else regarding her kids separately then I can't really say much without more context. I believe there are some boundaries as a (step) parent or future (step) but at the same time you all function as a family and certain things shouldn't be able to fly if you all are under the same roof.

 

Communicate better. Work together as a team. How is she going to know that she can't make all the decisions if she does this automatically and doesn't realize how much bit bothers you?

Link to comment

That's ok. Decisions about living together, finances you two as a couple, etc. is your only concern. You have no say in her children, legally or otherwise. That is the sole domain of her and the kid's father. Do not interfere with that process, or get involved. It's their problem.

 

However the real issue is you and her, not them. Simply tell her that finances and plans need to be discussed.

I have been with my gf for two years and we have lived together for most of our relationship. She has kids, and I am never included in any parenting decisions and really any sort of decisions.
Link to comment

It is absolutely ok for her to have her kids friends come. And no she shouldn’t require your permission. It’s not costing you more to have them stay.

When YOU chose to pay did you state to her that only certain people are allowed?

 

You say you have been together 2 years and lived together for almost all of that?

You should not have met her kids until at least 6-12 months in?? And at least wait another year after that to live together?

 

Who moved in with who? And why???

Link to comment

No, it's not acceptable for her to invite anyone else along on the trip without consulting with you first. It's completely irrelevant who is paying for what. If she is going by herself, she can do what she wants. When you are going together, decisions need to be mutual.

 

A good question being asked is how do you respond when she does this? Have you talked about it? Have you ever let her know that this isn't acceptable to you?

 

Whoever said that her inviting additional kids is fine...wth.... it's an added responsibility and liability on the OP and his gf and he absolutely has a right to object to that.

Link to comment
It is absolutely ok for her to have her kids friends come. And no she shouldn’t require your permission. It’s not costing you more to have them stay.

When YOU chose to pay did you state to her that only certain people are allowed?

 

You say you have been together 2 years and lived together for almost all of that?

You should not have met her kids until at least 6-12 months in?? And at least wait another year after that to live together?

 

Who moved in with who? And why???

 

The food for the additional kids is not free. Also, it is much more of a headache, and work, to have all of these additional people. Totally unacceptable. It is also his trip and he should be in on who may, and may not go. It is called consideration.

Link to comment

She certainly should have consulted you about bringing extra people on the camping trip. It's very disrespectful of her to assume you're going to be paying for food for three extra people, not to mention having the responsibility for looking after the safety of extra kids.

 

You don't seem to have very good communication with each other. Her disregard for your opinions about whom to take on the camping trip shows that there are some deep problems with your relationship.

 

As far as her kids are concerned, I agree with the others that you should not be involved in any parenting issues, since you are not the parent. If you don't like the way she handles her children, you are free to leave.

Link to comment

This isn't about "parenting" this is about inviting others to an already planned trip. You have to grow a spine, man up, and speak your mind. If you don't firmly put you foot down, you are in a losing battle. Communication is key.

 

Just me but I get a feeling you are being used...you are her gravy train.

Link to comment
I have been with my gf for two years and we have lived together for most of our relationship.

 

She has kids, and I am never included in any parenting decisions and really any sort of decisions.

 

An example is that we have been planning a camping trip for a long time, and right at the last minute, she just announced that she told her son her could bring his two friends along and our neighbor is also coming along.

 

I was the one who actually booked the cabin, paid for it, so itÂ’s not like I am just tagging along. Besides, we are supposedly a couple that functions like we are married. IsnÂ’t inviting three more people to a family camping trip something that should have been run by me first? ShouldnÂ’t I be included?

 

She makes me feel like she doesnÂ’t respect me, like I donÂ’t matter. Any thoughts?

 

Your account of events is pretty basic.... It tells us what's going on right now that's in your disfavour but it doesn't offer the reader any insight into why your relationship is skewed like this at all. Ie. what other issues do you have in your relationship? You mentioned booking the cabin and paying for it which indicates you're aware of the finances. Are you both also imbalanced or have disagreements regarding your finances in other areas? Do you have disagreements regularly about how money is spent or how money is allotted to various events or social gatherings?

 

Do you regularly make decisions unanimously regarding your friends and family(ie your own friends and family)? What is your relationship like with the kids and have you taken the time to develop any relationship with them or the family friends/neighbours? Are you away from home a lot of the time or working? Why do you feel so much of an outsider?

 

What are your thoughts about your relationship appearing so divided? Why do you think she makes you feel disrespected?

Link to comment

This was my first post, and I am kind of shocked at all the replies! Thank you all for replying. I have to say, though, that some of you made some huge assumptions and formed your interpretation on them.

 

1. My girlfriend isn’t “using” me financially. She literally makes three and a half times what I make. She’s successful. I only mentioned paying for the cabin to make it clear that I have been involved in planning for the trip, and it wasn’t a situation where I was just asked if I wanted to come along on one that was already planned or being planned independently of me.

 

2. My girlfriend’s kids are all teenagers and their father is dead. Also, we do things without the kids, but this was meant to be a family camping trip.

 

3. I have communicated about this issue and everything else in our relationship. I have never had trouble “growing a spine” in this or any other relationship. I may, however, tend to select mates that don’t have a lot of communication skills. My gf is no exception. It is very difficult to ever get her to participate in a conversation—she’s extremely defensive, quick to anger, and uses sarcasm, mocking laughter, and “poisons the well” of discourse by saying things like, “Yep, I suck. Everything I do is wrong no matter what. You are always right. Nothing is ever fair to you,” etc. In this way, she’s like my ex wife. And my mom.

 

4. This one is more of a response than a clarification. Some of you are saying that I should have no role in parenting whatsoever. Really? Why? Because I’m not the biological father? He’s dead and they have no memory of him, so that means these kids just have to miss out on having a male in a parenting role? Some of you think that a step parent should not be informed about issues with his wife’s kids and not take a role in making decisions pertaining to the kids?

 

The idea for us, at least in theory, is that she is the “face,” with her kids, the executive, but we discuss things and come to decisions together behind the scenes. That way it is mom being the disciplinarian, etc., but I still have a voice in parenting decisions that affect all of us, including myself and my daughter.

 

In practice, however, she doesn’t tell me anything. She makes decisions without any communication with me, and I often only find out about things when I observe them or the kids tell me. If we come up with parenting-related plans together ( like behavior contracts or plans for chores), she invariably fails to follow through with them. I have to give up on them as well because I can’t be the sole enforcer when I am a Johnny-come-lately in their lives. When I try to discuss these problems with her, I (90% of the time) get all of the negative stuff that I described above.

 

My girlfriend has gone through considerable hardships and even horrors in her life. Without a doubt that is one of the central roots of all of the problems I am describing. Despite it all, I am madly in love with her and I want things to work out.

 

Obviously my original question is the tip of the iceberg, a pimple on an elephant’s ass.

 

Some say “run the hell away.” If I do, I am running from a person who is wonderful, cares deeply about others, hasn’t had a break in life, and is effed up beyond belief. I was aware of all of this from the very beginning and asked myself what kind of person I would be if I deemed her undeserving of a chance at a good relationship and genuine love. And she’s hot. So here I am.

Link to comment

Then why haven't you gotten couples counseling? Without it, this will not work.

 

You sound like a complete doormat in this relationship. We can't use the past as an excuse to treat others poorly. Stop excusing her. She can choose to get help to treat you properly and treat you with respect. Your relationship sounds co dependent and very unhealthy.

Link to comment

What prompted the decision for you all to live together so early on in the relationship?

It seems like a rush to be a family unit rather than taking time to build a partnership first. And I wonder how the kids have felt about that, particularly as teenagers?

 

When I was a teen, my mother got serious with who would later become a step father to me. It took my brother and I years to accept him as someone we trusted. And that was without him living with us, and him being someone who highly respected our boundaries as far as not wanting or able to give instant closeness with him. We had our family, us and our mom. No, he did not have a say in parenting us. He earned our respect by treating our mom and us well, and by not inserting himself inbetween us.

 

You describe your gf as effed up beyond belief, a poor toxic communicator, and that she has been through hell and back. Situations like that make the bonds between her and her kids even more complicated. With all that, they've struggled for recognition more than usual. This is the person they've had to rely upon for everything.

 

I think you are shooting yourself in the foot here trying to enforce some sort of insta family. And she's not coo coo for not falling into that dynamic with you. Have you thought about dialing way back, maybe moving out, and see if there is a solid relationship between the two of you without all this forced togetherness?

Link to comment

Sounds like a power struggle where she calls the shots and tells you after the fact how it's gonna be. How consistent is that throughout your relationship dynamics? Not informing/consulting you means she makes the decisions letting you know on an 'as needed' basis. Similar to the way a boss might treat subordinates at work.

She literally makes three and a half times what I make.

She makes decisions without any communication with me, and I often only find out about things when I observe them or the kids tell me.

Link to comment
Then why haven't you gotten couples counseling? Without it, this will not work.

 

You sound like a complete doormat in this relationship. We can't use the past as an excuse to treat others poorly. Stop excusing her. She can choose to get help to treat you properly and treat you with respect. Your relationship sounds co dependent and very unhealthy.

 

We have been in couples’ counseling fairly regularly.

In order for me to be a doormat, I would have to take the boots lying down. As I explained, I have never had a problem growing a spine in any relationship. When I think something is unhealthy or wrong or admits of general bullchittiness, I speak my mind.

If I get to the point where I think she is never going to change some of her behaviors toward me, I will leave. And she knows that.

Nothing I have said is an excuse for anything. One can appreciate the influence and even causal role that past traumas have on current behaviors without putting emotional blinders on. Her past isn’t an excuse. She is an intelligent, successful woman that was emancipated as a minor and fought like hell to put herself through school and build her self a great career despite an almost complete lack of nurture and support growing up. This was all before most of the really bad stuff happened to her. Despite that, she has done some great things in her life and continues to do so. If I were making excuses from her past, I would have no way to explain how she is the lioness that she is.

No matter how monumentally horrible her past was, I respect her far too much to turn any of it into an excuse that would undermine the grit and strength that has gotten her through ten times what I’ve been through.

 

Maybe this is one of the reasons that I am fighting like hell for a relationship that hasn’t been easy. And she’s hot.

Link to comment

Just to be clear, this vacay was initially planned to be just the two of you, a romantic getaway of sorts?

 

And she just arbitrarily decided to invite her son, his friends, and her neighbor? Without asking you first?

 

Good lordy, NO! No, no, no. Not on any level whatsoever.

 

What I'm wondering though is why you need us to tell you that?

Link to comment
We have been in couples’ counseling fairly regularly.

In order for me to be a doormat, I would have to take the boots lying down. As I explained, I have never had a problem growing a spine in any relationship. When I think something is unhealthy or wrong or admits of general bullchittiness, I speak my mind.

If I get to the point where I think she is never going to change some of her behaviors toward me, I will leave. And she knows that.

Nothing I have said is an excuse for anything. One can appreciate the influence and even causal role that past traumas have on current behaviors without putting emotional blinders on. Her past isn’t an excuse. She is an intelligent, successful woman that was emancipated as a minor and fought like hell to put herself through school and build her self a great career despite an almost complete lack of nurture and support growing up. This was all before most of the really bad stuff happened to her. Despite that, she has done some great things in her life and continues to do so. If I were making excuses from her past, I would have no way to explain how she is the lioness that she is.

No matter how monumentally horrible her past was, I respect her far too much to turn any of it into an excuse that would undermine the grit and strength that has gotten her through ten times what I’ve been through.

 

Maybe this is one of the reasons that I am fighting like hell for a relationship that hasn’t been easy. And she’s hot.

 

She still continues with the behavior. This is not an equal partnership and she does not respect you. She is a grown as woman. Stop using her past as an excuse.

 

Nothing is going to change, here. I don't understand why anyone would stay in this dynamic!

 

One should not have to "fight" for a relationship. And, staying with someone because she is "hot' says a lot about you. How shallow and sad.

 

Lastly, just because you speak up, does not exclude you from being a doormat. She still gets away with a lot. She definitely wears the pants.

Link to comment
And she’s hot.

 

You seem very keen to remind us of this, which I think is telling.

 

Past all the other stuff—the emotional and intellectual hijinks, the metabolized therapyspeak about how past trauma influences present behavior—do you think this is really what you're fighting for? To keep a relationship going with someone you find too hot to leave? And not just keep it going but, per itsallgrand's post, to kind of fast track it into nuclear family functionality? The seduction and intoxication not merely of "hot," but seeing if you can wrangle "hot" into something functional, something "warm"?

 

No judgement, nor do I say that to negate her other admirable qualities or your sincere appreciation of them. But sometimes it's easier to just call it what it is, so you don't get too caught up in the window dressing.

 

Sounds like you're kind of predisposed to put up with, and sympathize with, the very behavior that frustrates you—to make it something to "work on" and "work through," to even find a vaguely masochistic pleasure in that work. Your mother, you said, displayed similar qualities. Deep conditioning, that. Stuff you've been "working on" your whole life. Now you have a proxy—and a hot one at that.

 

I've dabbled a bit myself in attaching onto some very hot, very dynamic women who frustrated me in the way one of my parents did—namely my father, a passive POS who abandoned me but who, being my father, I am hardwired to love and seek approval from. Hardwired, in ways, to equate "love" with "pain." Those relationships have been very hot—great sex, lots of heat-building tension, endless opportunity for sympathy, empathy, and understanding, to say nothing of the seductive subconscious promise that if I could make this work there'd be some nebulous reward for my soul and spirit, a little salve to heal the forever wound made my father.

 

But they've also been draining, unsustainable. In the end I want something that "works" rather than something to "work on" in the hope that it may some day work work. In the end I've opted to accept that forever wound as part of me, rather than something to treat through romance.

 

That's me, of course, not you. The best advice I can give you is to accept that this is just how things are going to be with her, much the way this is how things were, or still are, with your mother. There will be micro-improvements. There will be regressions. There will be heat. There will be moments—like this camping trip—where you feel brushed off, someone she is incapable of considering, because that's exactly what you are during such moments.

 

But where some find comfort in just being considered, or who want to be "seen" as fully as they "see" their partner, I think you find comfort in the fight to be considered and seen, so even when you're frustrated remember that. Just as you like her "hotness" for the obvious reasons, and like her damage because it's familiar, you enjoy these moments when you have to put on the gloves a bit.

 

I don't think that makes you a doormat, for the record. Whether you find this is something you can sustain and continue to find reward in—well, that's another question. But right now you do.

Link to comment
You seem very keen to remind us of this, which I think is telling.

 

Past all the other stuff—the emotional and intellectual hijinks, the metabolized therapyspeak about how past trauma influences present behavior—do you think this is really what you're fighting for? To keep a relationship going with someone you find too hot to leave? And not just keep it going but, per itsallgrand's post, to kind of fast track it into nuclear family functionality? The seduction and intoxication not merely of "hot," but seeing if you can wrangle "hot" into something functional, something "warm"?

 

No judgement, nor do I say that to negate her other admirable qualities or your sincere appreciation of them. But sometimes it's easier to just call it what it is, so you don't get too caught up in the window dressing.

 

Sounds like you're kind of predisposed to put up with, and sympathize with, the very behavior that frustrates you—to make it something to "work on" and "work through," to even find a vaguely masochistic pleasure in that work. Your mother, you said, displayed similar qualities. Deep conditioning, that. Stuff you've been "working on" your whole life. Now you have a proxy—and a hot one at that.

 

I've dabbled a bit myself in attaching onto some very hot, very dynamic women who frustrated me in the way one of my parents did—namely my father, a passive POS who abandoned me but who, being my father, I am hardwired to love and seek approval from. Hardwired, in ways, to equate "love" with "pain." Those relationships have been very hot—great sex, lots of heat-building tension, endless opportunity for sympathy, empathy, and understanding, to say nothing of the seductive subconscious promise that if I could make this work there'd be some nebulous reward for my soul and spirit, a little salve to heal the forever wound made my father.

 

But they've also been draining, unsustainable. In the end I want something that "works" rather than something to "work on" in the hope that it may some day work work. In the end I've opted to accept that forever wound as part of me, rather than something to treat through romance.

 

That's me, of course, not you. The best advice I can give you is to accept that this is just how things are going to be with her, much the way this is how things were, or still are, with your mother. There will be micro-improvements. There will be regressions. There will be heat. There will be moments—like this camping trip—where you feel brushed off, someone she is incapable of considering, because that's exactly what you are during such moments.

 

But where some find comfort in just being considered, or who want to be "seen" as fully as they "see" their partner, I think you find comfort in the fight to be considered and seen, so even when you're frustrated remember that. Just as you like her "hotness" for the obvious reasons, and like her damage because it's familiar, you enjoy these moments when you have to put on the gloves a bit.

 

I don't think that makes you a doormat, for the record. Whether you find this is something you can sustain and continue to find reward in—well, that's another question. But right now you do.

 

I think he is a doormat. He has been allowing her crap for years, by sticking around- speaking up means nothing, if it is not followed by action. She does not respect him and continues with the bad behavior. He excuses by using her childhood, and also stays because she is "hot."

Link to comment
I think he is a doormat. He has been allowing her crap for years, by sticking around. She does not disrespect him and continues with the bad behavior. He excuses by using her childhood, and also stays because she is "hot."

 

I think we're in agreement here on the big picture, just not in the definition of "doormat."

 

He is not just "excusing" her past trauma, but he's drawn to it, compelled by it. All that is hot to him, just like the shape of her body.

 

It's active, whereas a "doormat" is a more passive stance.

 

Do I think it's healthy? No. But there's a difference between being "walked on" and choosing someone to walk all over you. He's too smart and aware not to realize he is actively making a choice.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...