Need help with breaking up.

Hi everyone,

I've been grappling for a long time (on and off-- sometimes I feel great about things, sometimes not) trying to determine whether I should end things with my current boyfriend of almost 5 years. We have a really great relationship, with lots of common interests and passions, similar senses of humor, good conversation, live together well, support each other in our pursuits and personal growth, etc. He is such a caring, kind person and I know he would do absolutely anything for me and our relationship. I've expressed my doubts before, but I struggle with being clear and I think he has trouble having hard conversations (definitely a weak point in our relationship). I feel our hard conversations don't really get us anywhere.

Recently he has started bringing up marriage, and I told him that I still don't know if I'm ready for that step. And that has made me truly realize that I need to end things because if I'm not ready for marriage after 3 1/2 years of living together and almost 5 years of dating, how will I ever be? I think that I need to get out and experience life first-- try dating other people, traveling and living on my own. He and I have been together since I was 22, and he was my first serious relationship. I just don't know if I could say "yes" to being together with someone forever without truly knowing that I could be without them, if that makes sense. Because I've been with him since I was really young, I don't feel that I truly have grown in an autonomous way. So I've made up my mind that I need to end it.

But here's my dilemma: I am THE WORST at conflict. I clam up, shut down, and have so much difficulty communicating my feelings-- and I especially hate when I feel like I am going to hurt someone I love. I'm wondering if any of you have some advice for me on how to do this. I know it's going to have devastating implications for both of us; we live together in an area with not a lot of close friends around and not much support system. We both struggle with finances because we have low-paying non profit jobs. I worry what breaking up will do to him and I am so afraid of him being stuck with hardly any contacts/friends to support him.

Can any other highly sensitive, conflict-adverse people out there give me some advice on how you've broken up with someone who is still in love with you? Any advice is so so appreciated. Thank you.

It's a good thing that you're realizing all of this now instead of down the road when you might have kids together.

You obviously don't want to hurt him. That's natural. You've been together for a long time, shared many experiences, and he's no doubt very dear to you. But there's no avoiding what you have to do, and that is to end this relationship, and there's no way to avoid him getting hurt. I promise you that he won't wither away and die. You're releasing him to find someone who can be a more devoted mate to him. It will hurt him, but he'll get over it. Really.

Just tell him you'd like a separation in order to discover what you want out of life. Go through the pain and then you'll be happier when you come out on the other side.

Yes if it is over then it's over and you must end it. Be firm but kind as well. Whatever you say you must be clear it is over and no going back. Do not take the easy option for yourself by leaving a glimmer of hope for him when there is none. That will hurt him more.

It will be a sad time for both of you but both of you will get over it with time. Don't rush into another relationship to soothe your pain. Good luck to you both.

I think that I need to get out and experience life first-- try dating other people, traveling and living on my own. He and I have been together since I was 22, and he was my first serious relationship...

 

Because I've been with him since I was really young, I don't feel that I truly have grown in an autonomous way.

Because of what you said here, I think that eventually you would come to resent him for this in some way, even unintentionally.

I agree you should break up and try it alone for a while. If you struggle with talking openly about your feelings, perhaps you could write it all down and send him a letter? That way you're not just clamming up and not giving him answers, which is frustrating.

Also, @Sarah... hello! :)

Reg, good to see you***

I think that I need to get out and experience life first-- try dating other people, traveling and living on my own. He and I have been together since I was 22, and he was my first serious relationship. I just don't know if I could say "yes" to being together with someone forever without truly knowing that I could be without them, if that makes sense. Because I've been with him since I was really young, I don't feel that I truly have grown in an autonomous way. So I've made up my mind that I need to end it.

- Yup. You have described your feelings very well, you are very smart. Some young women 26-27 or younger are not ready to fall in love yet.

As far as how to break up nicely? - it's rejection, so it's very difficult. The best way is to get them to break up with you, to make them think it's their own idea. Sometimes saying that you are dating somebody else does the trick.

Here are my breakup tips:

1 - know that any anger/frustration/sadness on his part is totally ok. They will be hurt...don't take their reaction to just being stabbed in the heart the wrong way. lol

2 - You're a very integral part of his life. You both are. Don't just have the break up speech and leave. Help him through it if need be. Be there for him to talk to. I'm not saying give him false hope...but be compassionate about things after your break up talk. Let him vent...try to get closure...etc. I assume you were/are best friends...stay his best friend through this.