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Just a vent :/


caraviolin

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I posted about this guy before on here, and have since been getting therapy for my assault, but I was foolish and kept in contact with him. First a backtory:

 

I broke up with an emotionally abusive man who used texting to manipulate and when we did see each other, he withheld physical affection. When I broke up, i was so starved of affection. I had a hookup with a guy a few times but one night he held me down and forced oral sex on me after I repeatedly told him I didn't want it.

 

I went on an app for dating simultaneously as a diversion. There was a man, D, who chased me for a while on it, a little over a full month. His profile stated he was looking for all kinds of relationships ranging from hookup to long term dating. He seemed alright but there were other men who I thought were more promising. I told him Iwas looking to just date and see what's out there because I just got out of a bad relationship. He said he just got out of one too, but didn't say he did not want a girlfriend.

 

He was dedicated though in his chase on the app and eventually I went out with him. I was pleasantly surprised by him, and had an instant attraction. The night after we met he gushed over my sweetness and said he would never have suspected I'd be so sweet in person, since on the app I was a bit cold. I returned the compliment. He asked me what my thoughts on texting were and whether I would like him to say goodnight and good morning, only because he didn't want to be annoying to me. I told him I liked texts of, hey how was your day, but not good morning and goodnight because that was more girlfriend/boyfriend.

 

After the second date, I realized I had an attraction to him but didn't think he was good long term, so I told him I wanted to hookup with him but that I wanted just casual stuff right now. He said he would absolutely hookup with me but under the condition he could still hand out with me outside of the bedroom. I reluctantly agreed. That night we hooked up. He lives at home at 30 years old because of money limitations and his father in poor health. I live at home too for same reasons so I understood. He offered to invite me to his house but w edecided to get a room instead. He booked a beautiful hotel for me for a few hours. I was taken by the sweet gesture.

 

He asked to go down on me and I told him no. He asked why an I told him I did not want to because of a bad experience. He told me I didn't have to tell him what it was, but pushed me anyway to tell him. :/ After I did, he said he felt even more confident to go down on me because in his eyes, he'd give me a "good experience" to replace the assault. I told him it doesn't work that way and maybe eventually I would let him, but that I would need time.

 

However, that night, I saw him as someone too good for casual sex, as my attraction grew exponentially. The sex was awful, lol, but his person attracted me; his sweetness, energy, and kind eyes.

 

In the following weeks, he set up a date or two but my attraction towards him grew and I began setting up the dates. He texted me consistently every day, not too much, but little bit here and there but always said good night and sometimes good morning, despite what I told him initially. However, I didn't mind because I really liked him at this point. After a while I took the reigns of saying goodnight but only after he would initially text me. I loved having him text me and always responded with gusto. I didn't mind setting up dates and one day our hands just naturally went with each other, and after that we always held hands.

 

He showed interest in my life and my goals, and never missed a day to text me. I grew to love the consistency and hearing my text tone of his checking up on me. He wanted sex of course during those weeks but said he didn't have money to get a hotel or motel every time. In hindsight I wondered why he never invited me to his house, but who knows really. We did have sex but unfortunately in my parents' house, on my basement floor, after I told him initially I didn't want to do it in my own house. During these times he asked continually to go down on me but rejected him every time. Having sex on a basement floor made me feel kind of weird to begin with. He inevitably met my parents through these visits and they really loved him, which fed my confidence otherwise with him.

 

After a month of dating, one night we set up a date (or I did). Right before he came over, he asked if tonight was the night he could go down on me. I told him no; he expressed frustration at the wait of going down on me. i told him again it was because of the assault. I asked him, don't you think I am worth waiting for? He answered, it isn't about whether I am worth it, but about how long he has to wait for it. I told him I don't want him to go down on me on a cold basement floor in my parents' house; if we could wait until we got a nicer venue. He said, "so the only time I can do it is when we are not in your house??" He pushed and pushed and suddenly I grew scared that he wouldn't come to visit me so I told him fine. Right after he asked if I could shave down there, because that is what he likes. I felt nauseous but told him I would do that.

 

I hated him going down on me and he asked several times if I was enjoying it. I didn't look it and was honest. We didn't do it for very long. He kept saying, I won't do it if you hate it.

After that experience, I did not set up another date; it would turn out to be two full weeks before we saw each other again. It was a combination of him having a final exam to study for and the fear that he would probably not want to see me again since now he basically got what he wanted, so I wanted to see if he would initiate the next date.. I withrdew a bit but he still texted me. However the drop off on the goodnights were noticeable. Each time he forgot to text me in the eve he would say the day after, "oh so sorry sweetie/babe, I was soooo tired, I passed ot so early I just didn't have time to". I would respond with, aww it's ok cutie, Imissed it but I understand. You know how much I love your texts though." I always tried to keep it light and positive and not show any insecurities.

 

One day he asked out of the blue, if my period was done. I asked him if he would still want to see me even if I had it? He said of course, silly, duh..but honestly, his question fed my insecurity. I asked him for a selfie since he said he missed me an I reciprocated the feeling. He never sent me a selfie though..said he would, and then when HE brought up that he forgot, said he would the next day, but never did....

 

Finally, after his exams, the weekend rolled around and there was still no discussion on a get together. I initiated the subject and hinted I was not doing anything. Finally he asked me to hang out. Of course, these dates had been last minute and usually only movies, despite him saying in the past he wanted to take me to the poconos and flea markets and shooting range and golfing. However, that date we talked for hours. He said he was happy he got to know me more. I brought up a festival coming up the following weekend and that we should go together. He smiled but didn't say yes or no. Of course, that night, on my cold basement floor he wanted to go down on me. It was even worse this time and he he was the one to stop it after 20 second of it only.

 

I\That week after, his texting grew more affectionate and made sure he said goodnight. He seemed so affectionate and totally like a boyfirend. However, that weekend rolled around and no mention of the festival. Out of fear of looking too clingy and assuming he is busy, I didn't bring it up. Hwever he asked me what I was doing Sunday, the next day, and when I told him I was open and not doing anything special except going to church, he teased and said awww well church is special. The comment peeved me but I didn't bring up the festival.

 

Suddenly, for the first time, the next two days he didn't text me at all. Depressed, saddened, and frustrated, I decided to end things because I was letting the oral sex resentment simmer in my brain and emotions, and was frustrated at the lack of planning to see me. We ended up taking part in a discussion that lasted 2 days long. Basically:

1. He was upset I never texted him first, and that sometimes a guy wants tofeel wanted too.

2. He isn't wanting a girlfriend because of mo time for one, and he claimed he told me this in the beginning (he didn't).

3. Since he doesn't want a girlfriend, he isn't going to be chasing me.

4. He doesn't "NOT like me", but that he thought hooking up would be fun and thought I was pretty.

5. Was upset that I never offered to go down on him.

6. Claimed he never wanted to hold hands; and him asking me about my day and all of that was just him "being a sweet guy'.

7. Claimed he didn't want to put just hook up on his profile because girls would be turned off by it.

8. Said he was sorry "IF" he pressured me to go down on me but said I never told him why I didn't want it (which obviously I did, several times) and that most girls like it and most girls go down on guys.

9. Said sex wasn't all he wanted with me; otherwise he wouldn't have hung out with me.

10. Claimed he was upset I didn't remind him about the festival because he forgot, due to him being so busy and having family obligations.

 

 

I told him why would I want to go down on anyone if I felt pressured tohave oral sex done. I let him know I was confused . I told him I know what my worth is and that I want a guy who isn't just lukewarm about me and would put in effort to make plans to see me. I told him I take responsibility ultimately for the oral sex, of course; I let him do it, it is my fault, but told him if he wanted just casual he should not have been pressuring me. However, in HIS eyes, casual means I should have let him give me oral. What??

 

Ultimately, I told him casual is fine and I understood things were too one sided with the texting. However, I was initiating the dates so much. I don't get it. I feel I should have communicated more with him, and that I brought about the demise after over two months of dating him. I don't know. He said the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me and that he was glad we had this talk. My stomach is in a knot and I feel stupid. I'm sad. I feel I missed out on a catch.

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I think you got what you signed up for. You chose to tell him you were only looking for a casual hook up which is what you got. Then you changed your mind and wanted more. But he never did. Which is fine - you can't expect him to want more than a sexual arrangement just because you do. Sounds to me like you enjoyed being chased and the whole game of acting cold to see if he would be up for the challenge. I think it ended because he sensed or knew that you were more into him at this point than just a casual hook up and he would prefer to be on the same page with someone -otherwise it's too risky/too much work.

 

You chose to keep seeing him after he tried to pressure you to perform oral sex. I'm confused as to why you would come back for more if mostly you just wanted a sex buddy.

 

I think you need to get clear with yourself on what you want and what you don't.

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I don't know why you expect to be scolded at all. You're not a child but you're suggesting behaviours and expectations that are childlike which may or may not have anything to do with your intense vulnerability after your assault or what you've been through previously.

 

Please work on removing that mantle of vulnerability and insecurity about yourself. You're a fully functional adult and a capable woman.

 

These seem more like rusty mistakes while getting back into dating. Anyone makes them. You did get what you signed up for as Batya mentioned and there's really no harm in that. He was quite polite with you through it all even if his sexual desires did put you off at one point. Try to avoid situations like this if they make you uncomfortable. You'll be just fine.

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If he didn't want more, then why override my rule about goodnight and good morning texting? why put in so much effort? I feel this was crossing alot of fwb lines...especially the hand holding and being see nin public together with his hand around my waist. IDK I feel like he wanted more too. Maybe I am all wrong. I feel...weird...like how can my radar be so off?

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If he didn't want more, then why override my rule about goodnight and good morning texting? why put in so much effort? I feel this was crossing alot of fwb lines...especially the hand holding and being see nin public together with his hand around my waist. IDK I feel like he wanted more too. Maybe I am all wrong. I feel...weird...like how can my radar be so off?

 

Because he was never a friend of yours. He was a sex partner. If he had changed his mind he would have told you -I mean of course he'd want you to know ASAP so his special lady wouldn't get snapped up by some other guy! It's easy to text good morning and good night - why does a sex partner have to follow rules especially your rules? It's not about "radar" - it's about basic communication. And you played games with your "cold" stuff from the get go and continued to see him without telling him you changed your mind and wanted more.

 

You're only "wrong" in your expectations. I wrote about that in my first post.

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Well, they don't have to follow rules, but I told him I felt good moning an goodnight were for boyfriend and girlfriend. He agreed to it, only to override it. I don't get it? I did communicate...he should've said, oh hey, I like saying good night but I don't mean anything by it. I feel I am not the only one who didn't communicate.

 

I thought my date initiation and interest I showed in person, as well as the expression of my happiness over his goodnight texts would be grounds eventually to move into exclusivity talk..but I didn't get there for some reason. I was put off over a few things...IDK.

 

Do you ladies think this ended solely because i didn't text him much? :( I sincerely hope not...it hurts to think about that....

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To me, it seems like he tried hard to please you. The communication between the both of you was just a little off and the premise that this was a casual type of relationship (no commitment) was quite overarching. I'm sorry this caused so much confusion for you.

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If he didn't want more, then why override my rule about goodnight and good morning texting? why put in so much effort? I feel this was crossing alot of fwb lines...especially the hand holding and being see nin public together with his hand around my waist. IDK I feel like he wanted more too. Maybe I am all wrong. I feel...weird...like how can my radar be so off?

 

^What's in bold is a massive red flag. More than a red flag, it's your clue to drop a guy cold. A genuinely nice, kind, caring person will RESPECT your boundaries. This guy did not. He made it his point to bulldoze them. You told him that you don't like those kinds of text, he trampled all over that. You told him that you don't want him going down on you and why and it became a personal crusade of his to wear you down and do what HE wants and to heck with what you want/feel/don't want/tell him/etc.

 

You are confusing utter disregard for you as a human being with caring. That's not what caring looks like and this confusion you have about it is what you need to fix asap. Otherwise, you will keep finding yourself in these situations with this lousy abusive men.

 

Other thing has already been touched on. Be very very clear with yourself about what it is you actually want. If you want a stable relationship, don't try to play the cool chick who is totally fine with just fwb. Another clue on dating sites in particular is that if a dude has checked off every option, aka hooups, dating, casual, relationship, etc. - read all that as he is actually looking for any warm body willing to hump him. He is NOT relationship material at this point in time. So next time you see that on his profile, don't even bother responding.

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Well, they don't have to follow rules, but I told him I felt good moning an goodnight were for boyfriend and girlfriend. He agreed to it, only to override it. I don't get it? I thought my date initiation and interest I showed in person, as well as the expression of my happiness over his goodnight texts would be grounds eventually to move into exclusivity talk..but I didn't get there for some reason. I was put off over a few things...IDK.

 

This is even more confusing. You told him -a stranger you met online -that you just wanted a casual hook up. He broke your "rule" but you continued to see him so he knows that you don't enforce rules/boundaries. Why in the world would he want to be the exclusive partner of someone he met a month ago who was up for only a sexual arrangement?

 

If you want to be someone's exclusive partner be straight up "I'm really enjoying our time together and am not interested in seeing other people. What about you?" Or if you're not quite ready for exclusivity but realize a sex buddy is no longer for you "You know I told you I only wanted a casual thing but I'm really enjoying our time together and am thinking there might be more potential here -what do you think?"

 

Far better is not to go the casual sex route if you think there's any chance you might change your mind.

 

Here's an example. My husband and I dated in the 1990s, broke up and met for a catch up dinner in 2005. We met three times platonically. I was interested and thinking about telling him that but he beat me to it.

 

Here is how I knew for sure he was interested in being exclusive with me (even though he was a bit flirtatious as was I). He said on that third night "so what do you think about us getting back together?" I was a bit in shock, a bit scared and so it took me thirty seconds to respond. I said "yes!" So that is 11 words. No need to think about radar/signals/ etc. Our conversation after that focused on what we wanted eventually from each other (marriage) and we each shared that we were kind of nervous about "what if it doesn't work this time". That's all. When two people want to be together it's really basic and simple and there's no need to read the tea leaves.

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To me, it seems like he tried hard to please you. The communication between the both of you was just a little off and the premise that this was a casual type of relationship (no commitment) was quite overarching. I'm sorry this caused so much confusion for you.

 

thanks..the turn happened when I was pressured into the oral after he knew I was assaulted. My friends told me I should not see him anymore over it. Msybe that held me back. Maybe I like his attention and sweetness. I told him point blank when he texted me I felt special. He said it is because I am special.

 

I hate to think I ruined things. I feel like I have a habit of that.

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^What's in bold is a massive red flag. More than a red flag, it's your clue to drop a guy cold. A genuinely nice, kind, caring person will RESPECT your boundaries. This guy did not. He made it his point to bulldoze them. You told him that you don't like those kinds of text, he trampled all over that. You told him that you don't want him going down on you and why and it became a personal crusade of his to wear you down and do what HE wants and to heck with what you want/feel/don't want/tell him/etc.

 

You are confusing utter disregard for you as a human being with caring. That's not what caring looks like and this confusion you have about it is what you need to fix asap. Otherwise, you will keep finding yourself in these situations with this lousy abusive men.

 

Other thing has already been touched on. Be very very clear with yourself about what it is you actually want. If you want a stable relationship, don't try to play the cool chick who is totally fine with just fwb. Another clue on dating sites in particular is that if a dude has checked off every option, aka hooups, dating, casual, relationship, etc. - read all that as he is actually looking for any warm body willing to hump him. He is NOT relationship material at this point in time. So next time you see that on his profile, don't even bother responding.

 

thanks so much

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Forgot to add that when he asked for sex the second time after the hotel, I said I wanted to get to know him more, and he said sex is the perfect way to do that. Forgot to mention that.

 

He's allowed to say whatever he wants. You're allowed to choose your reaction to what he says. He was giving you an opinion that for sex partners, sex is a good way to get to know each other better. He didn't try to force you -he's allowed to see if you can be convinced just like salespeople do when they want to sell you on something. If you found that he was pressuring you -you have a mouth to say "I'm not comfortable with how you're speaking to me" and feet that can walk away.

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Forgot to add that when he asked for sex the second time after the hotel, I said I wanted to get to know him more, and he said sex is the perfect way to do that. Forgot to mention that.

 

Well....here is the thing about that....once you go there, you really can't walk it back to let's wait and get to know each other. That ship already sailed, so you either get to know each while incorporating sex into the package, or you part ways. This is one of those reasons why people often advise to hold off on sex and do spend some time getting to each other outside the bedroom....and THEN decide if you still want to take things further with that person, if they are relationship material, if you actually want to sleep with them or not.

 

It's just another reason you need to be very very clear with yourself about who you are, what you can and cannot handle, what do you actually want. Some people can totally handle casual sex, most cannot. Lots of people pretend they can....buuuut....they really can't, so things get very very messy for them and hurtful and confusing and it really doesn't need to be like that. You have to start being honest with yourself.

 

Another thing to work on for you is be sure you enforce your boundaries. If you state what your boundary is, the person pushes it and you give way, you just taught them that your words mean nothing, so they'll keep pushing. They know they can bulldoze you if they try. If you tell a guy that you don't want gm/gn texts and he sends you one anyway, respond with "....I thought we had talked about this..." Send a clear message that you are not happy. If he does it again....yes, it's worth dropping him over that because invariably it's just a tip of the iceberg and goes back to that all critical thing - you need a guy who hears you and respects your boundaries without you having to fight over it and if he demonstrates that he won't do it even over something so small.....run because it will get worse from there. People show you who they are in all kinds of small ways, all you have to do is pay attention and have the courage to walk away.

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So I disagree to an extent in this situation. I wasn't there but when it comes to a sort of more random rule like "no goodnight texts" make sure you're stating it clearly and not with any "wink" or joke like tone. So if he "overrides" your rule -and it's not about personal safety or something truly disrespectful or offensive - ask yourself whether you're sure you were clear about the rule and all the details.

 

And rent Pretty Woman -about an escort who falls in love with her client - and she tells him she'll have sex with him (escort) but her rule is no kissing. They eventually fall in love and then kiss -and it's certainly a big deal (and a great movie!).

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This was so hard to read, not because of the dating faux pas but that you clearly dont see how much you're damaging yourself.

 

Why are you choosing to date right now instead of therapy, serious question.

 

After the second date, I realized I had an attraction to him but didn't think he was good long term, so I told him I wanted to hookup with him.

 

This was the exact moment you sold yourself short. Not that theres anything at all wrong with wanting casual, nothing, but people who choose to enter into casual need to be of sound body and mind and have clear strong boundaries, you dont have that.... people who have untreated trauma ESPECIALLY sexual trauma, need to be even more cautious and have even stronger boundaries which again you do not have, I'd guess youre dating to cope, youre leading with your sexuality in a VERY unhealthy way.

 

I told him I know what my worth is

 

Sadly this is more true than I think you realize.

 

You showed him your worth was casual sex on your parents basement floor and weak boundaries that could be broken with a little sweet talk and pressure.

 

Please, please, please stop dating and get into counseling, this is so harmful to yourself, you deserve so much more, you have to build up your worth, because right now, I dont think you deem it as much...

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Do I deserve so much more? I’ve been terrible coping with my dad’s Parkinson’s. I am an awful daughter.

 

What changes can you make tomorrow -think small - to act in a better way with respect to your dad's Parkinson's challenges? My dad was ill his whole life basically. He made my life really hard for many years. I didn't feel close to him. And when he was dying -the last 6-8 months of his life - I took on the financial role and supervising attorneys we needed for some legal matters -because even though I just couldn't feign emotional closeness, I loved and respected him and wanted to help my mother and family and not be an awful daughter. So I did what I could do that felt authentic and was doable. And contributed that way. Find a way to contribute.

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It ended because you are no where near ready to date or feel comfortable with any form of emotional or physical intimacy. Dates are not therapists. No one you know briefly needs a long account of your private issues. Those sensitive issues should be discussed with a therapist. Do not come across as damaged good, etc. If you need to, you're not ready to date.

ended solely because i didn't text him much? :( I sincerely hope not...it hurts to think about that....
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It ended because you are no where near ready to date or feel comfortable with any form of emotional or physical intimacy. Dates are not therapists. No one you know briefly needs a long account of your private issues. Those sensitive issues should be discussed with a therapist. Do not come across as damaged good, etc. If you need to, you're not ready to date.

 

I did NOT tell him my whole account of life issues. I don't know where you got that from? Long account? I kept everything light and easy going. He kept asking me why I didn't want oral sex. I briefly told him it was partly due to an assault. I did not delve deeply into it.

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Ok, that is TMI. It's better to discuss such sensitive information with your therapist. A simple 'no" is all someone needs in any event for any reason. You never have to explain yourself when it comes to "no".

He kept asking me why I didn't want oral sex. I briefly told him it was partly due to an assault.
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