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Thread: Husband caught gay dating site

  1. #1

    Husband caught gay dating site

    Hi, over the weekend I found out that my husband is on a gay dating site. He fell asleep on the sofa after a night out and in the morning when I got up with the children I saw that he had the site open on his phone. There were very graphic messages between him and other men. He was arranging meetings and talking about what he’d like to do.
    I confronted him and he said that he is disgusted in himself and he claims to have never actually met up with anyone, claiming that he gets excitement just from messaging (I find this extremely hard to believe)
    I am currently expecting our third child together and I just don’t know what to do. I feel numb and unable to comprehend where my life goes from here. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I would immediately get an STI check and probably divorce.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Take care of your health first. Get to your doctor immediately and confidentially discuss your concerns that your husband may be having man-on-man sexual encounters. They will know what to test for and how to advise and protect you. Ask for a referral to a therapist. He did not volunteer this info and hid it quite well. Consider that you will never be sure. In the meantime cease all sexual activity. Additionally consider visiting with friends or family you can trust to reflect and compose yourself.

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    Originally Posted by Heather98765
    I confronted him and he said that he is disgusted in himself and he claims to have never actually met up with anyone, claiming that he gets excitement just from messaging (I find this extremely hard to believe)
    I am currently expecting our third child together.

  4. #4
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    I'm really sorry, OP. Did you have inkling prior to this that your husband is sexually attracted to men?

    Do as the others have already suggested and get tested for STIs/HIV. I would say that to anyone whose partner has stepped out, regardless of whom it was with. Don't take him at his word that he has never met anyone; your health is too precious to take that risk.

    I am not sure you will be able to come back from this. Not only have you discovered he is being unfaithful, but you also discovered he has desires that you cannot possibly fulfill. This is more than a case of a bored husband kissing someone else in a bar on a drunken night out on a business trip. He has hidden an entire side of himself from you.

    I would make an appointment to speak to a therapist, for your own sake and that of your unborn baby. This is going surely going to put you in extreme distress and having an objective third party to help you navigate your feelings will be critical, I believe.

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  6. #5
    Thank you for the replies so far. I will make an appointment to get the checks.
    Years ago I found gay porn on our laptop but he laughed it off and it was forgotten about. I also discovered that he had been to a gay bar when he was on his work Christmas night out but I never suspected anything like this.
    He has threatened to harm himself which is making me more worried, I don’t know whether this is just to make me feel sorry for him but now I have the worry of that on top of everything else. I’m trying to keep busy and to think of the baby but it’s so hard to get my head around it.

  7. #6
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Heather98765
    Thank you for the replies so far. I will make an appointment to get the checks.
    Years ago I found gay porn on our laptop but he laughed it off and it was forgotten about. I also discovered that he had been to a gay bar when he was on his work Christmas night out but I never suspected anything like this.
    He has threatened to harm himself which is making me more worried, I don’t know whether this is just to make me feel sorry for him but now I have the worry of that on top of everything else. I’m trying to keep busy and to think of the baby but it’s so hard to get my head around it.
    Threatening to harm himself is emotional abuse to you . Next threat call him an ambulance and tell them.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Really sorry to hear about this.

    I would 100 percent make finding a therapist the first thing you do right now, like this second, along with getting a full screening so you know you're free and clear on that front. Both of these will bring you comfort and security right now, something you're not going to feel, I'm sorry to say, anytime soon with your husband.

    Whether your husband is gay or bi it's clear that there is a major component of his sexuality that he has been keeping secret from you—and probably, in ways, from himself. His lies about this, painful and confusing as they are to you, are really just extensions of ways he's not being honest with himself.

    This is the deepest of the deep, not something someone can "explain" in a day or a week. It can take people years to reckon with the choice to cheat when it's just a kiss or a one night stand. This is different, even if he is "just talking" to men on apps. It's identity stuff, a part of him that he has tried to suppress probably his whole life that's now coming to the surface.

    His threats of self harm? That his just is sh*t. He's flailing, and he's going to flail for a while. You can't get caught up and manipulated by that. You've got your own flailing—and, really, processing—to do. Whether he is at risk of self-harm or (more likely) is just trying to manipulate you, that is not your business. If that continues, call 911 and let the professionals deal with it and, by extension, let him know that is not going to be the way he gets through this.

    Your business right now is your health, mental and physical. Focus on that—take steps in that direction. Hopefully your husband does the same, so you two can figure out what the next steps are once this immediate fire dies down. And it will—know that. Your marriage is not going to be the same, and the odds are very high that your marriage won't survive this. You will get through that too.

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    I am so sorry.

    It doesn't matter. At the very least he has emotionally cheated.

    Get tested and seek a divorce lawyer. No salvaging a marriage with a liar, manipulator and a cheat. Do not listen to the threats of suicide, it is a common tactic with cheaters. Tell him that you will alert medical authorities and his parents if he threatens it again.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    If he is closeted(and gay), he may be dealing with serious personal (emotional or spiritual) conflicts on top of the guilt of letting you down and being exposed in this way. I understand you're probably not feeling very sympathetic at this point but the only way through this is, if you want to make it through with some love or understanding, is to try and understand each other as the situation has unfolded right now. He says he gets excited from messaging them. What else has he mentioned or felt comfortable telling you?

    Our first instincts are often angry and adversarial and a deep desire to protect those closest to us (our children). I think you owe it to yourself to still respect him as a human being and respect that his vulnerability has been exposed. It is not right to cheat or go behind our partner's backs but nothing in the world is going to undo this or change who he is as a person. Not a single tear from you, no angry comment, no threats of divorce, no guilt trips about what happens to the family or the kids. Nothing. This is who he is. I hope you are able to process this safely and if you need to speak to a therapist or counsellor about how to process all this information, there is no shame in doing that.

    I believe that we are all created perfect as we are, meant to be exactly as we are. He is exactly what he is meant to be and all this pain will one day mean something to you. Grow from this as individuals and encourage each other to seek the help and move forward in your lives separately if the marriage cannot sustain itself.

  11. #10
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    I would have taken screenshots of everything and sent them to my own phone as evidence before I spoke to him about it. you need to go to marriage counseling ASAP and need to get an STD test. First, make an appointment with your OB/GYN and explain what is going on. They can advice you what precautions and tests you need to take to make sure the baby is safe. Do not have sex with your husband. And after the baby is born, consider seeing an attorney or prior

    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse

    I believe that we are all created perfect as we are, meant to be exactly as we are. He is exactly what he is meant to be and all this pain will one day mean something to you. .
    Meant to be a CHEATER??

    Honestly, i had a acquaintance years ago that was married with a daughter and married the wife unbeknownst to her because he was bi - but 80% preferred men to sort of put that life behind him. Instead of cheating on his wife, after many years of no sex he came out to her and did not tell anyone else prior to telling her that he could not be married anymore. By not cheating on his wife, he created a healthy coparenting situation and although they don't speak now (not angry = just parted ways, daughter is in her 30s now and they have no reason to speak), they will have no animosity if grandchildren come. Yes, the wife was upset that he "wasted her life" but because of the way it was handled, she was not cheated on and they took a few years to decide - together - what to do -- if they were okay living as they were celibate or they wanted to leave to pursue other relationships.

    So its not "oh, you need to honor his pain this is who he is!!' there are honorable people and dishonorable people." And he's a cheater. I mean, with a baby on the way, to boot!!

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