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Thread: Can’t believe this “relationship” is still going on...

  1. #1
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    Can’t believe this “relationship” is still going on...

    Met a guy 6 months ago when we were both having problems in our marriages. My husband & I are now actively going through divorce, & I had a baby in the meantime. His situation is that his relationship w/his wife is like nonexistent (sleeping in different rooms, live on opposite coasts, etc) but they've stayed together for their sons, who are at an age to understand, but he says ultimately he knows the marriage is going to end. The guy and I agreed no sleeping together until both of us are at least separated. Right now, on that point, he tells me to be "patient."

    ​What our "relationship" is like: we see each other almost every single day when he's not in California (where his wife & sons live). He didn't back away when I got super pregnant or after I delivered. He always encourages me to bring my daughter when we hang out. He will call me immediately if I sound like I have a problem when texting (work, baby-related, etc) and spend tons of time talking it out w/me. We do hook up but no sleeping together as already said. He kisses me hello & goodbye & says "see you tomorrow" like it's a relationship. We make plans for things we'll do this summer. If I am spending time with a guy friend, he wants to know more because he'd be jealous if he thought I were interested.



    I don't want to be the girl giving an ultimatum, but I feel at some point this has to be defined. Frankly I thought this kind of stuff was a quick fling; I didn't think we'd still be in each other's lives every day, half a year later, without even having sex. What do I do?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't think what you have "going on" is enough to be defined as anything. It seems like an emotional affair where both of you are there for each other when you need to talk, vent or a friend or shoulder to cry on. It doesn't sound like this would be anything unless either of you uproot your lives and one moves to be with the other. That is a great risk and I'm not sure how feasible that is considering you have co-parenting to contend with and impending custody rights.

    You mentioned you're actively getting divorced but yet you haven't separated with your husband. He hasn't separated from his wife. This is a long way off from anything realistic. I think you've lived in limbo for so long you've forgotten what real happiness with one person in one place feels like. This man isn't a viable option. I'd either slow things down to a halt (break up/stop communicating or seeing each other) until you're both ready in a few months or a year or break it off completely. It sounds like a train wreck and both of you are using each other in an unhealthy way (emotional crutches).

  3. #3
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    There really is nothing you can do, but: A) Walk away from him for good, or B) Accept that you are just his affair partner and likely won't ever really become more than that.

    This isn't sustainable in the long-run. It is based on a fantasy, which is why many affair just don't last. The reality of the situation is far more difficult to navigate, as you're now seeing. I get that you two enjoy dreaming of a future together, but that's all it is: a dream. Unless and until you are both divorced, this isn't going anywhere.

    Whatever you do, I would absolutely not continue to bring your baby around this man. Keep your child out of this. If that means you have to spend less time with him, so be it. That's one boundary you really should not have crossed.

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    I mean it was compelling enough for ME to go through w the divorce already... mine was a shorter marriage and my child not at an age to understand, so why wouldn’t he need more time...
    I guess I’m wondering if now is as good a time as any for ultimatum/ending things and what to say if I do

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do you still live with your spouses? What is your leverage in an ultimatum?

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    Originally Posted by Gb83
    I mean it was compelling enough for ME to go through w the divorce already... mine was a shorter marriage and my child not at an age to understand, so why wouldn’t he need more time...
    I guess I’m wondering if now is as good a time as any for ultimatum/ending things and what to say if I do
    Just to clarify, does this mean you have officially filed for divorce and you and your husband are no longer living together?

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Do you still live with your spouses? What is your leverage in an ultimatum?
    No, he lives across country from his. I live separately from mine & we’ve officially filed for divorce
    Leverage... well no more hooking up/ “favors” or spending every night together and talking during day day and being each other's Sounding board

  9. #8
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    “ I don’t want to be the girl giving ultimatums “

    This statement made me snort laugh...

    I realize because you are so entwined in this situation you don’t see the irony that you’ve already sold your soul and lowered yourself to side chick status but you don’t want to be ‘that girl’ is well... laughable, but it is.

    She has the ring. You can cuddle till you bleed, an affair is an affair is an affair and the sad reality is neither one of you have a solid foundation since you latched onto each other while still married.

    You’re playing yourself...

    ETA - I knew this story sounded familiar, does he still have pics of his ‘estranged’ wife on his social media?

  10. #9
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    But he was my “side” initially too. I knew my marriage also had problems and just now have we filed for divorce. I just don’t know how long to realistically wait for him to do the same before feeling his time is up. He does seem quite attached given the amount of time we spend together and how long it’s been.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Maybe in the meantime it is healthier to practice some self-care and take care of yourself. I feel like you're too deep into thinking what he's thinking or whether this is good for you. Ease up a little on that and redirect your energies towards taking care of yourself, feeling good about yourself, gathering your resources for your new life ahead of you. The focus right now is too much on one area. Multi-task and try to prepare for your new life, think about your kids and even looking into viable support networks - perhaps other single mums groups and meets where you can start to feel more like yourself again.

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