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Thread: Heavily In Like with Silver Fox

  1. #31
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    you should not change for someone to like you or to fit in with what they would be attracted to. Only date people who like you for exactly who they are - as is. And you are not even dating.

    I have a perfect solution for this. Go call your dad up and have lunch with him. Tell him all about this guy - leave nothing out - including how you met him and his age. Ask dear dad what he thinks about this (unless dad is absent from your life)

  2. #32
    Bronze Member ConfusedLady21's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Well isn't this a sad thread? Sorry, just being honest.

    The subtext of your first post is that what you like about this guy is that he makes you feel small, powerless, unimpressive, and without much of an identity. Read that sentence again. Try to take a moment to process that without jumping to defend it.
    I don't think those are nice feelings. Feeling small and powerless. What I DO like about him is that he shows me what hard work and a different mindset can do for you. He is a living breathing example of this and he's willing to share all of his knowledge with me. He told me that he will teach me anything I want to know, just ask him.

    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    But real talk? It's the wrong kind of vulnerability, the shallow kind. It's feeling owned, disempowered, minimized, helpless. Damsel stuff, basically. Ego stuff: he boosts yours up and demolishes it all at once. You're already gauging your sense of worth and meaning by whether this dude can stay intrigued by you—a dude who has straight up said there's no chance for anything romantic. (Translation: sex is not off the table, but if it happens? Just sex.)
    I realize that I need to love myself and be secure within myself. In fact he mentioned that he would like to help me become comfortable in my own skin. He said that, which made me feel a little bad because he could sense that. I'm fine and totally relaxed around other people. Confident even. It's just this man is so advance and I feel so far behind and it's some what intimidating. I do want to reiterate that he's not a married man. He's been twice divorced.

    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Well, if you want some teacher-student thing that shreds your core worth but boosts your ego and sets your loins aflutter—keep hanging around, being the available pupil he already knows you are. He couldn't care less about you being confident, an equal, so don't worry about that; if that was his jam, he'd be jamming elsewhere, spending time with a woman who knows she's interesting and can set the world on fire whether or not a man validates her heat.
    He'll actually tell me. " Come on, (my name)! If you want to ever attract the man you want in life, I need for you to be a little more confident in yourself."
    I can envision myself as a woman who doesn't need a mans validation, naturally sexy, secure within herself, living out to her true potential, setting the world ablaze because I want to and I know I can. That's what I plan to become. That's me without all of the emotional baggage throughout the years. I am striving to be that woman.


    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Crushes are fun, I get it. They can also crush us.
    I feel like I have gone too far, exposed too much, said too much to go back now. I can't smooth this over and I definitely want to keep talking to him. I'm a fool. I know.. I don't like feeling foolish, but I haven't dated in years and I like the attention. I'm not after older men, I'm just after someone worth my time... and I am in a position where I question myself now. Am I worth his time? Does any of this even matter? It's just kind of depressing now.. I don't know what to do.
    Last edited by ConfusedLady21; 05-23-2019 at 08:34 PM.

  3. #33
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    If you want someone who can teach you about hard work and a shift in mindset, etc then don't mix business and pleasure. There are some great courses out there, great books, women's networking groups that focus on just those skills.

    He's not "so advanced" -he's a human being and you're equating acting in a dominant way with "confidence" -that doesn't necessarily mean he is confident - he might just like acting in a powerful way with women who put him on a pedestal and don't think enough of themselves. That's not confidence. That's preying on someone's insecurities.

  4. #34
    Bronze Member ConfusedLady21's Avatar
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    I need to stop worrying about this guy who probably things it's cute to string me along and work in making sh*t happen. I think my self esteem and confidence will rise when I have something more to show for my hard work. And then maybe, just maybe another educated, ambitious individual will look my way

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    An older man telling a younger woman that he'd like to help her be more comfortable in her skin? Ugh. No wonder that made you feel bad, because it's flat-out sleazy. Ditto the business about needing more "confidence" if you'd like to "attract a man." What he's doing there is basically putting you down so he can feel powerful—his own insecurities latching onto yours and doing a little dance that feels special, intimate, since he does it under the guise of caring, of "seeing" you in a way few do.

    Eye roll. As Batya said, there's nothing "advanced" about this guy. He's a twice divorced dude who is twice your age, is basically what it comes down to. What seems so suave, worldly, and confident to you is striking us the opposite: basic, pedestrian, provincial.

    I'm going to make a few assumptions here, based on this thread and the highly sexualized nature of a lot of your threads on this site: that you're above-average in the looks department, and don't struggle when it comes to attracting men. Double-edged sword, that. You get an immediate hit of validation by just being you, walking across a room and feeling eyes on you, but with that little rush comes the needling thoughts that that's all you have to offer—that your power and worth are connected to sex, to being an object of desire.

    Which, hey, great! Own it, work it, enjoy it.

    But if you want to build up the other sources of power—well, also per Batya's post, it's best to do that in a way that doesn't mix metaphors, you know? No harm in enjoying the attention of an older dude, even the sort of attention from the sort of dude that might make you cringe a few years from now, but the key is to call it what it is, without the fairytale narrative to elevate it above the Penthouse Forum. Mistake something like this as a fast track to maturity—well, that fast lane will likely prove to be a place where growth was more of an illusion than reality, where you were standing still while getting older into growing up and into the woman you want to be.

  7. #36
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    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    I need to stop worrying about this guy who probably things it's cute to string me along and work in making sh*t happen. I think my self esteem and confidence will rise when I have something more to show for my hard work. And then maybe, just maybe another educated, ambitious individual will look my way
    Get clear on what you want to show, exactly, for your hard work - people want different things (some want for nothing -they don't care, they just want to work hard). It's not about an educated, ambitious person looking your way -it's about you becoming the educated, ambitious individual you say you want to be, and cultivating friendships and professional relationships and networking with individuals who you respect. Then you naturally will meet a good match for yourself.

  8. #37
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Mistake something like this as a fast track to maturity—well, that fast lane will likely prove to be a place where growth was more of an illusion than reality, where you were standing still while getting older into growing up and into the woman you want to be.
    Ouch, I would like to think I made a lot of personal strives. Online, I expose it all because the level of mystery does not need to be established. I am still not exposed. I don't use my body as a weapon or a tool. I have been sexual in the past sure, but things have slowed down tremendously. Please don't judge me off of my previous posts.., a lot of change has happened since I have joined this site.

  9. #38
    Bronze Member ConfusedLady21's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Get clear on what you want to show, exactly, for your hard work - people want different things (some want for nothing -they don't care, they just want to work hard). It's not about an educated, ambitious person looking your way -it's about you becoming the educated, ambitious individual you say you want to be, and cultivating friendships and professional relationships and networking with individuals who you respect. Then you naturally will meet a good match for yourself.

    True, I know you're right. It's just been so hard to get out an network the way I've been wanting to now due to hours. I barely meet anyone. If it wasn't for the internet, I wouldn't have met the man I'm talking about

  10. #39
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    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    True, I know you're right. It's just been so hard to get out an network the way I've been wanting to now due to hours. I barely meet anyone. If it wasn't for the internet, I wouldn't have met the man I'm talking about
    You want what you say you want -you make the time. The end. I had to do so to get to where I wanted to be. If you had all that time to chat/flirt/meet this guy you have time to network and be out there. Do volunteer work (like backstage at a local community theater or through your religious organization if you have one), find professional organizations (a plus, sometimes, if they are female networking groups), join a book club. Of course it's "so hard" -most of the goals we have that you describe are so hard to accomplish - divide into smaller, baby steps and commit to make certain changes with how you spend your time. I had to work my tail off for all my big goals. And I still work my tail off to maintain the goals I have and the lifestyle that works for me now and potentially that I want in the future. I think the hard work is worth it. Maybe you'll feel the same, maybe not -worst case is you've pushed yourself out of your comfort zone and grown more confident in general.

  11. #40
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    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    Yes but then I get sweet good morning messages. Sweet comments, constant attempts to meet up with me (which I've been avoiding because I'd like to get cute first before I see him again). It's tough
    I'll just repeat this ad nauseum because you are being groomed, my dear.

    so then he goes on to mention to me that he cannot offer me anything romantic.

    so then he goes on to mention to me that he cannot offer me anything romantic.

    so then he goes on to mention to me that he cannot offer me anything romantic.

    so then he goes on to mention to me that he cannot offer me anything romantic.


    so then he goes on to mention to me that he cannot offer me anything romantic.
    ...
    so then he goes on to mention to me that he cannot offer me anything romantic.
    I find it concerning that a much older man would be doing so via facebook. Just doesn't seem right somehow. I know you likely won't because you're already well on your way to being addicted to the attention he gives you but IF I were you, I would slowly start fading away so that you can rehab from this fluff he offers you (nothing romantic, remember) and be done with him.

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