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Thread: Wife had an a affair and still won't show me her ig.

  1. #11
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    I'm not saying policing her phone is the way to go. I'm saying that needs to be an option if you feel the need. At the very least she needs to be accepting of that possibility even if you never ever use it.

    I'm sorry but "I'm an adult" doesn't fly as an excuse after you get busted cheating. Act like an adult in the first place and don't put that burden in yourself or your spouse.

    I'd pull a random drug test so to speak two months from now and say gimme your phone. Any flak in response to that and I'd walk.

    Also to be clear I wouldn't personally ask for my wifes phone... If she cheated that would be that for me. I'm just saying if someone wants to give things a second try... You need to have that option.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm not sure strong defenses or a strong offense mode like a spot check("drug test") are necessary, Rabican. Of course, I understand what you're saying and the sentiments behind it. There seem to be very strong emotions coming from your response. Aggressive measures rarely bode well and will lead to more problems and neuroses.

    I agree with you though about the disarming of individuals in a relationship within a loving and committed space. The key is loving and committed. Any behaviours falling outside of loving and committed fall into the category of antagonistic and controlling which I do not agree with.

    Both partners have to be in mutual agreement and mutually respectful. Coercion or force of any kind is not acceptable.

    If there is no offering or ability to nurture a loving or committed space, this is not a viable relationship.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rabican
    I'm not saying policing her phone is the way to go. I'm saying that needs to be an option if you feel the need. At the very least she needs to be accepting of that possibility even if you never ever use it.

    I'm sorry but "I'm an adult" doesn't fly as an excuse after you get busted cheating. Act like an adult in the first place and don't put that burden in yourself or your spouse.

    I'd pull a random drug test so to speak two months from now and say gimme your phone. Any flak in response to that and I'd walk.

    Also to be clear I wouldn't personally ask for my wifes phone... If she cheated that would be that for me. I'm just saying if someone wants to give things a second try... You need to have that option.
    Policing someoneís phone and social media(yes thatís what that is) isnít going to stop that person from finding a way to cheat if thatís what they want to do. It wonít even be a deterrent. And compliance from the cheater means absolutely nothing... they have already gone to elaborate measures to hide part of their life so they know how to keep doing so if thatís what they want to do.

    Seeking some professional help in this area would be a far more valuable use of your time OP.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Cheaters lie and then lie some more. Then when they are caught try and turn it back on you. Then they claim they want to work things out because they are afraid of losing their security while they mess around but what they are really doing is telling you what you want to hear, laying low for a little while and being way more careful with their cheating.

    She was caught so how sincere can she be about ending her cheating? True remorse cannot be faked if you look closely. She needs to be brutally honest and answer any and all questions you may have and that includes making her life an open book. If you choose to look in the book that is your right because all the trust is ruined and it is her fault.

    A cheater that is truly remorseful will do ANYTHING to rebuild trust so if she balks and doesn't volunteer to be totally open you will know she doesn't mean it and is just waiting for the dust to clear so she can start cheating again.

    Be brave and open your eyes wide.

    Lost

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I agree that if someone is going to cheat, they will find different ways to communicate if they choose to and policing their phone will not help.

    Though I have heard of different therapists suggest that once a cheating partner has be found out that they been transparent now on everything so as to build trust, even showing their partner their phone when asked, etc.

    A good idea and one I can understand, but unfortunately if someone really is being sneaky, they will get a second phone or a different email and check it on another device, etc.

    The bottom line is, you either choose to trust a cheater or a liar and hope to god they have stopped, or you call it a day and let them know that you're no longer comfortable being in a vulnerable position and feel at threat of them doing more of the same.

    It's a really tough spot to be in, especially with children involved. I'm sorry you're going through this, OP.

  7. #16
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    Thanks again everyone for the responses... Yes my 3 yr old sorta threw her under the bus. I had my phone out with dudes pic with his son and she knew they're names I couldn't understand how, I then said where you meet then she said park and a kids restaurant I said where was daddy she said work. I lost it even after confronting her my said I told her to say and that I was crazy. Not till the next day when I run into dudes baby momma and tells me the truth.

  8. #17
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    It really sucked knowing that you think your wife is faithful and pulls this crap, honestly I had pulled the trigger and wanted a divorce asap, but I begin to think.. She tells me she really loves and will stay away from him. I told her I'm not no high schooler bout to keep getting played she tells me she want to work it.out. Honestly I really do love my wife but just thinking what she did is killing me mentally. We spoke today and I said I'm.done acting like a psycho I'm not going to keep going crazy and keep checking her fb and keep wondering why she won't show me her ig. I told her not to stab me in the back again and if she's ever thinking of doing this again just to let me know so I don't have to thru this again. I'm.mentally scarred and in the heart aswell but now that my eyes are open I'm trying to live happy and with the truth.

  9. #18
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    Im just still blown away how many lies were told and tried to make it seem like I was the crazy one at one point even said " this relationship is based on trust". Having this happened to me just makes me look at everything different and made me stronger but man it sucks. Just trying to move forward and hoping everything turns out good for my family.

  10. #19
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Beingstrong1
    She won't accept me still after I forgave her so still haven't doubts should I pursue this or drop.it? Anyone please help!
    Rather than take on the role of a PI, I'd drop it, simply because it's her job to find a way to gain your trust. If she chooses to be sincere and work on your marriage she'll find a way, if not, she'll find an excuse.

    Either way, you'll have an answer.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Yes, it's on of the hardest things when it comes to someone cheating, the massive disappointment and your shift in how you see them.

    The lies are one of the hardest things to come to terms with. It makes you feel a fool, it makes them seem terrible for being able to behave like that and tell lie after lie, and then you're meant to trust them?!?

    Try it out for now, but if you end up not feeling safe or you can't get over how she betrayed you, no one will blame you for calling it quits.

    SHE destroyed things, not you.

    I hope that you are able to work though all of it, but it can be very tough and you do lose faith in people. That's the crap part about being cheated on, hard to trust anyone now, not just the cheater.

    Psychologically, it makes sense. We are designed for survival. If anything makes us feel we are in danger, we are aware of that.
    Cheating messes a person up....you trusted, you didn't feel at threat, it seemed fine, but it wasn't and it was a horrible blow.

    Now you have to go back into the exact same situation either with the cheater or someone else and act normal again...yeah, not so easy to do.

    I hope you stay strong, more so than anything, for your child. But I do hope you have a good resolution to this.

    Crossing fingers for you.

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