Jump to content

Stalker ex won't stop following me online


Recommended Posts

Over three years ago I got a restraining order against an ex (in Canada/Ontario it's technically a peace bond, but same basic principles as a restraining order: no contact at all, can't carry certain "weapons", can't come close to place of employment, etc.). It lasted for a year. So he's legally been allowed to contact me for two-ish years. He sent me a really long message shortly after it expired, I ignored it, never received a message since.

 

The thing is, every couple months I get a notification on some social media platform or another that he's liked a post. I keep blocking his accounts but he keeps creating more. There's nothing illegal/dangerous about this so it isn't grounds for another peace bond. But I obviously can't message him to stop because that would open up the floodgates of him thinking I'm talking to him again.

 

It just triggers me every time I get these notifications. Like, it freaks me out that he's still trying to keep tabs on me. And I have no way of knowing what else he might be trying to do/find about me.

 

I keep feeling life is great and fine and happy and then these notifications happen and I feel like I'll never escape my past or have control over my life. Any advice on changing my mindset or...anything...?

Link to comment

Maybe it doesn't qualify for a restraining order, but you could press charges for him harassing you?

I don't know what it's like in Canada, but you need to document everything. Call the police even if it seems extreme so they have documentation of it.

 

It's these things and people like him that you read about in the news, having done such things and ultimately the victim didn't speak up to their own peril.

 

He obviously has some impulse control issues. I don't want to scare you, but at the same don't underestimate him.

Link to comment

So can we get a little more info? Obviously you don’t have to go into too much detail but was he violent, verbally abusive? What was done that his popping back up is triggering you beyond annoyance? Why did they order only last a year? I guess I am just a bit confused. If your made to fear for your life each time he contacts you, then please, please, please contact the courts and see what can be done, if it was just a painful breakup and the reminders hurt... unfortunately there’s little to be done, you have to take your power back, he can’t get to you if you gain your power. I think that’s where a lot of your anguish is lying, he still has a lot of power over you, which often happens in abusive situations so completely

Understandable but the law is so limited you sometimes have to be your own advocate. Making sure restraining orders are in place and ensuring you’re in a place where you do not fall apart when his name pops up.

Link to comment
Over three years ago I got a restraining order against an ex (in Canada/Ontario it's technically a peace bond, but same basic principles as a restraining order: no contact at all, can't carry certain "weapons", can't come close to place of employment, etc.). It lasted for a year. So he's legally been allowed to contact me for two-ish years. He sent me a really long message shortly after it expired, I ignored it, never received a message since.

 

The thing is, every couple months I get a notification on some social media platform or another that he's liked a post. I keep blocking his accounts but he keeps creating more. There's nothing illegal/dangerous about this so it isn't grounds for another peace bond. But I obviously can't message him to stop because that would open up the floodgates of him thinking I'm talking to him again.

 

It just triggers me every time I get these notifications. Like, it freaks me out that he's still trying to keep tabs on me. And I have no way of knowing what else he might be trying to do/find about me.

 

I keep feeling life is great and fine and happy and then these notifications happen and I feel like I'll never escape my past or have control over my life. Any advice on changing my mindset or...anything...?

 

 

How high are your privacy settings on your social media accounts? My first thought is to change your settings so that ONLY pre-approved people (i.e. your followers, friends, etc) have the ability to like and/or comment on your posts.

 

If the privacy settings are already set as high as they can go and he is STILL able to like/comment your posts, then my next thought is to take a long break from social media or to deactivate your social media accounts. If this is taking a severe toll on your mental well-being, it isn't worth it to be active on social media.

Link to comment
How high are your privacy settings on your social media accounts? My first thought is to change your settings so that ONLY pre-approved people (i.e. your followers, friends, etc) have the ability to like and/or comment on your posts.

 

If the privacy settings are already set as high as they can go and he is STILL able to like/comment your posts, then my next thought is to take a long break from social media or to deactivate your social media accounts. If this is taking a severe toll on your mental well-being, it isn't worth it to be active on social media.

I agree. I was sexually assaulted ( many times) and stalked by a family member as a teen. ALL my social platforms are private. I know this person is on social media. My social platforms are private as well because my husband is a CF member.

Link to comment

The poster above me makes really good points. My first thought was about your privacy settings, as well. If he's making accounts that look like other people, how do you know it's him just by the likes? If the accounts are clearly him, stop accepting the invitations.

 

I'm certainly not saying that the harrassment is something you should have to deal with, but no legal power will view likes on a social media platform as a punishable offense. It's up to you to control your accounts and protect yourself or get rid of them altogether.

Link to comment

Jen good point! Many social media apps have an ability to altogether disable friend requests I think it’s a minor inconvenience if it stops the harassment if it’s bothering to this level.

 

Another option even if it’s just for a while until he stops trying - get off social media.

 

These are all potential options obviously you should not have to change your life because someone else is harassing you but you have to do something to take your power back

Link to comment

I've got a lot of sympathy with this; I've been stalked online in the past, and I know that horrible lurch in the stomach you experience when you realise that this obsessional creep is still observing you, even if the material of itself isn't offensive.

 

Eventually all the **** stopped when the guy found a girlfriend, but this may not happen for you anytime soon. As others suggest, batten down your privacy settings, close existing accounts and open up new ones. He'll still be out there, but if it's been two years and he hasn't attempted to make any kind of face-to-face contact, then hopefully he won't do anything further. It's a horrible feeling, I know.

 

(((HUGS)))

Link to comment

I know this all too well! Just create a different name and change all social media accounts under that name. I know it sounds extreme but if you can’t block him or he keeps popping up by looking for you that’s your safest bet.

 

I had to do that for a creep awhile back.

Link to comment

You need to completely reset and reevaluate our social media presence. Make sure everything is as private as possible. Why broadcast your life/personal business when you know there is a stalker? No one, real or fake or stalker or whatever can 'like' a post if they can't see it. It's that simple.

 

You do have control over your life and most of all your social media. Why are you posting in a way that is visible to the general public? If you need help ask someone a bit more internet/tech savvy to help you get yourself off such a public social media presence. Or do some research on how to reset everything to insure your privacy.

every couple months I get a notification on some social media platform or another that he's liked a post.
Link to comment

So I don’t think the OPers gonna come back, I don’t think this post is going how she expected, stalking is an incredibly scary and traumatizing thing but an ex who likes posts every two months is just far too easy to rectify...

 

She also has a tendency to say I live drama and bring drama into her life. It isn't my fault that the first guy I fell in love with was a cutter and did drugs. I was 14; what the hell did I know? I didn't TRY to fall in love with him, it just happened. Just like I didn't make my (other) boyfriend kill himself when I was 17. I didn't make my following boyfriend stalk me and make me go to court to get a restraining order against him. When I finally meet a good, decent, sane man, he too is drama in her mind because he has 2 kids. My life is not drama. I did not make these things happen. It is simply my life. It really hurts when she says "You cause so much drama".

 

OPer you made a post about your mothers criticisms back in 2015... 2015 where this stalker is mentioned which would mean this has been going on for nearly 5 years? Your mother told you, you have a tendency to live in drama and surround yoirself in drama, which bothered you, my question is did it bother you because it was hurtful or did it hit a nerve because deep down you knew it was true?

 

I realize the chances of you coming back to answer are slim but you’re probably still reading, if you read this please give it some thought and maybe try to educate yourself more on self reflection and self responsibility. Counseling to unpack your baggage may help too, you started latching yourself to the wrong men at an incredibly young age, I obviously don’t know the cause of that but I think it’s worth exploring.

Link to comment
So I don’t think the OPers gonna come back, I don’t think this post is going how she expected, stalking is an incredibly scary and traumatizing thing but an ex who likes posts every two months is just far too easy to rectify...

 

 

 

OPer you made a post about your mothers criticisms back in 2015... 2015 where this stalker is mentioned which would mean this has been going on for nearly 5 years? Your mother told you, you have a tendency to live in drama and surround yoirself in drama, which bothered you, my question is did it bother you because it was hurtful or did it hit a nerve because deep down you knew it was true?

 

I realize the chances of you coming back to answer are slim but you’re probably still reading, if you read this please give it some thought and maybe try to educate yourself more on self reflection and self responsibility. Counseling to unpack your baggage may help too, you started latching yourself to the wrong men at an incredibly young age, I obviously don’t know the cause of that but I think it’s worth exploring.

 

I was clearly having a rough day, so not checking on the forum until the next day isn't unreasonable...

 

I actually didn't think to check and confirm my privacy settings on everything, and I'm glad I was reminded of that from everyone else here. I respect people's suggestions of changing my social media names, and although I don't want to that, it is a valid option I'm realizing I may need to actually give it some thought. It'd be an inconvenience to me as it would be for most people but it may be worth it, so yes, I should consider it. Shutting down my social media accounts would be difficult, since as it is with many in my generation it's my primary form of contact with most family and friends.

 

I understand that you don't know the peace bond process in Ontario, nor do I expect you to, but I'm irked that you jump to think that because it had an expiration date it means it wasn't a big deal. According to research I did back when I was going through that process, the typical length of a peace bond is one year. Restraining orders are typically reserved for family members or partners that share children, whereas peace bonds are for everyone else. Peace bonds have an expiration date that can be extended or become permanent if the terms of the peace bond are broken. As I said in my initial post, the terms of peace bonds are often very similar to those of restraining orders. They are issued and enforced with the same severity. They're not thrown around to people who are just inconvenient presences.

 

I have no reason to defend the events that led to the peace bond. That literally has nothing to do with this post. I was posting for advice on how to mentally strengthen myself after the fact, since as has been said by someone here, no legal entity will see social media likes as grounds for another peace bond or harassment. I would seek therapy to discuss this mental strengthening if I could afford it right now.

 

Lastly, shame on you for bringing up a topic from nearly 5 years ago that has literally nothing to do with this. Do you seriously think people don't change? You have no idea what my mother was like or how she has owned up to her judgmental faults and grown as a person since then. How about you educate yourself on victim blaming.

 

Thank you to everyone else. Your support and advice have been helpful.

Link to comment
I was clearly having a rough day, so not checking on the forum until the next day isn't unreasonable...

 

I actually didn't think to check and confirm my privacy settings on everything, and I'm glad I was reminded of that from everyone else here. I respect people's suggestions of changing my social media names, and although I don't want to that, it is a valid option I'm realizing I may need to actually give it some thought. It'd be an inconvenience to me as it would be for most people but it may be worth it, so yes, I should consider it. Shutting down my social media accounts would be difficult, since as it is with many in my generation it's my primary form of contact with most family and friends.

 

I understand that you don't know the peace bond process in Ontario, nor do I expect you to, but I'm irked that you jump to think that because it had an expiration date it means it wasn't a big deal. According to research I did back when I was going through that process, the typical length of a peace bond is one year. Restraining orders are typically reserved for family members or partners that share children, whereas peace bonds are for everyone else. Peace bonds have an expiration date that can be extended or become permanent if the terms of the peace bond are broken. As I said in my initial post, the terms of peace bonds are often very similar to those of restraining orders. They are issued and enforced with the same severity. They're not thrown around to people who are just inconvenient presences.

 

I have no reason to defend the events that led to the peace bond. That literally has nothing to do with this post. I was posting for advice on how to mentally strengthen myself after the fact, since as has been said by someone here, no legal entity will see social media likes as grounds for another peace bond or harassment. I would seek therapy to discuss this mental strengthening if I could afford it right now.

 

Lastly, shame on you for bringing up a topic from nearly 5 years ago that has literally nothing to do with this. Do you seriously think people don't change? You have no idea what my mother was like or how she has owned up to her judgmental faults and grown as a person since then. How about you educate yourself on victim blaming.

 

Thank you to everyone else. Your support and advice have been helpful.

 

Shame on me for referencing your own words to get a clearer idea since you didn't bother to come back to respond?

 

Yeah, see the whole victimhood/guilt trip thing, really doesnt work on me...

 

It took you an hour to respond to my post which to me would lead even the least logical person to conclude youve been reading this whole time, not responding is your prerogative, but clearly this whole concept of you 'surrounding yourself with drama' is a trigger.

 

No I do not know how Ontario works which is why I asked for clarification, I made no statements about your laws except to say in general laws are limited which in your response you agreed, prosecuting someone based on liking posts might be a challenge, I really dont know though since you had a previous order, it might be possible, you've done your research so Im sure you know...but here are my exact words:

 

So can we get a little more info? Obviously you don’t have to go into too much detail but was he violent, verbally abusive? What was done that his popping back up is triggering you beyond annoyance? Why did they order only last a year? I guess I am just a bit confused. If your made to fear for your life each time he contacts you, then please, please, please contact the courts and see what can be done, if it was just a painful breakup and the reminders hurt... unfortunately there’s little to be done, you have to take your power back, he can’t get to you if you gain your power. I think that’s where a lot of your anguish is lying, he still has a lot of power over you, which often happens in abusive situations so completely

Understandable but the law is so limited you sometimes have to be your own advocate. Making sure restraining orders are in place and ensuring you’re in a place where you do not fall apart when his name pops up.

 

The blatant fact that you are conveniently avoiding by dramatizing my response to you is you can easily block this person from contacting you.

 

To believe you thoroughly researched peace bonds, but didnt think to check or change your privacy settings is just asking me to suspend a lot of logic, but whatever, arguments aside, fix the issue, itll take you less than a minute. Problem solved! Look at that after dealing with him for 5+ years.

Link to comment

The thing is not everyone can respond that second to a question. People have jobs and lives. I know for myself I work almost 14 hours a day and not in am office. I have my own small business so the pissing around factor personally loses me money and endangers my mini clients.

 

So ...:: I assume others don’t have time to mess around on the internet all day either .

Link to comment

Pardon, I'm coming into this a little late. The OP mentioned she is blocking his accounts but he keeps creating new ones. I know there is an option to disable non-friend messages so perhaps this is the best route overall. She can't control how many accounts he chooses to make but she can control her account.

 

You're also able to disable notifications. I personally get enough notifications regarding my work and personal calendars. I don't need social media notifications so I've disabled all of them. Try learning how to curb certain triggers. Everything else will fall into place. I'd take heart that this is just regarding social media. Let the past go.

Link to comment
The thing is not everyone can respond that second to a question. People have jobs and lives. I know for myself I work almost 14 hours a day and not in am office. I have my own small business so the pissing around factor personally loses me money and endangers my mini clients.

 

So ...:: I assume others don’t have time to mess around on the internet all day either .

 

Thank you. Figureitout23 clearly doesn't understand that not everyone has it set up to get notifications for their threads. Or the notifications can end up in spam. Nor does that user have any tact, since again, people who go through incredibly stressful and scary court proceedings shouldn't have to defend outside of court the events that led to those proceedings to have their mental state taken seriously.

Link to comment

OP don’t let the triggers stop you from thinking life is great. If it truly is then a like on social media from this person isn’t going to change that. I say that not to minimize, instead to remind you to stay in the present moment and not allow this person to continue having power over you.

 

Keep blocking and lock down your privacy settings... you can hide your posts from anyone not on a specific list.

Link to comment
Thank you. Figureitout23 clearly doesn't understand that not everyone has it set up to get notifications for their threads. Or the notifications can end up in spam. Nor does that user have any tact, since again, people who go through incredibly stressful and scary court proceedings shouldn't have to defend outside of court the events that led to those proceedings to have their mental state taken seriously.

 

Also too sometimes I will wait before I speak. If I feel sensitive about something sometimes I need a time out or I can be very nasty unless I have a breather. So I give people benefit of the doubt that they thinking before they respond. Perfectly reasonable.

Link to comment

Forever, I am so sorry you're experiencing this.

 

I've been on line "stalked", and owning I've done it as well.

 

Not proud to own that but social media is so accessible and when you're obsessing about someone (not healthy but happens sometimes), it's easy to get caught up in checking, liking, commenting, etc.

 

At least he's only "liking" and not posting nasty comments, but it still feels very very creepy, and a bit ashamed I'm guilty of it myself.

 

Anyway, I agree with those who advised get off SM for awhile.

 

I have a new bf now and we have both deactivated our SM accounts. It so freeing, you'll be surprised how freeing it is! :)

 

GL.

Link to comment
Thank you. Figureitout23 clearly doesn't understand that not everyone has it set up to get notifications for their threads. Or the notifications can end up in spam. Nor does that user have any tact, since again, people who go through incredibly stressful and scary court proceedings shouldn't have to defend outside of court the events that led to those proceedings to have their mental state taken seriously.

 

What? I dont get notification for threads myself, what I stated was given the timing of your passive aggressive response to me,that led me to believe you've been reading responses. I honestly dont know how to get notifications myself, I wait until the bubble is blue. I also stated responding is your prerogative, so harping on my words, waste.of.time. the blatant fact remains, this can be solved, have you solved it yet? Thats whats important here. My opinion of you isnt going to change and your opinion that Im attacking you isnt going to change but the fact that you can fix the appparent huge issue of this man stalking you on social media is fixed! Why are you so hyper focused on me? You just fixed a 5 year issue!!!!

 

The fact that, that isnt your focus is incredibly telling but youre right, Im attacking you, Im insensitive, Im an absolute monster... I own that, you are right, so it can be dropped.

 

Did you change your settings?

 

Also too sometimes I will wait before I speak. If I feel sensitive about something sometimes I need a time out or I can be very nasty unless I have a breather. So I give people benefit of the doubt that they thinking before they respond. Perfectly reasonable.

 

Are you inferring that I am not doing that?

 

Please DM me to discuss further if so, no need to cloud up a posters thread, especially considering it can be a peeve of many.

 

Thanks :)

Link to comment
No time to fight with people online or inclination.

 

I had no intention of fighting or arguing with you, you seemed to be addressing something I wrote, which you could have easily not done but you chose to take the time to do, twice actually, NBD, instead of going back and forth, I felt it would have been more appropriate to discuss in private instead of clogging up her post.

 

Sorry for any confusion you may have had. Hope you have a great rest of your day.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...