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Vacation Situation


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Hi,

 

Please offer an unbiased opinion here. Basically please don’t be on my side just cause I posted this.

 

I have been in a relationship with a woman who has a child for 2 years. She has full custody and the child sees his dad every other weekend and gets to see him for 2 weeks out of the summer. This week was the dads week and the dad was going to go to the beach like they always do. I had been planning us a beach trip as well and it happened to be the same week at the same beach. The father informed my girlfriend that she could come see the child for a dinner. This is the first time he’s ever offered to let her see him on his time for vacation. She learned about it 2 days before our trip and she let me know about it right away. I told her I felt like I was in an uncomfortable position with this as I have never dealt with this before. I know she is not into him anymore and was solely doing this to see her son, but I felt disrespected in the process. I couldn’t come along with her and the dad wouldn’t drop the child off because he is mean with that kind of thing, I get that. So her only option was to go to dinner with him, their son, and the parents for an hour, while I stayed at our condo. She thinks I didn’t handle any of this well because I didn’t think it was fair to me. From her perspective, the child is attached to her, and she was claiming to want to make his week better by seeing him. The child is 3. Now she’s saying things feel ruined between us, however, she came over last night and when I asked her why she came over, she said it’s because I’m her best friend. Am I in the wrong here guys? I most certainly never want to keep her from her child but I also have never been put in this situation, and they have never coparented in person previously up until this point. Our relationship had been rocky, and I had planned this trip for us to both have fun, relax, and I’m the process let our relationship get back to what it was some.

 

Any advice or opinions would be appreciated

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So her only option was to go to dinner with him, their son, and the parents for an hour,

 

I think you're wrong. Her child and his extended family wanted on hour of her time and this is the hill you are going to die on?

 

I get you not being invited didn't feel great but with the child still being very young, these dynamics are often times sensitive and it doesn't seem that everyone was ready to co-mingle.

 

This is what was best for the child and it cost you 60 minutes apart. Unless you don't trust her, I think you are going to need to be a little more flexible with these type of things because you have a long road ahead of you.

 

If not, don't date someone with a child.

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Our relationship had been rocky

 

This, really, is what this seems to be about from where I sit. Rocky how, exactly? If the rockiness is not related to her dynamic with her ex, I can't help but feel like this whole vacation dilemma is actually about something else—deeper issues between you guys that haven't been resolved.

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I wanted her to see her son. The scenario in which it happened was something I wasn’t prepared for. I’ve never dealt with it and it was so last minute. I wanted to see if he could drop the child off or an alternative but realistically that’s the only way it would happen. Maybe I was in the wrong, but I’ve done so much for her and her son and I love that kid with all my heart. It was a position I was put in that I’ve never been through, and I guess I could’ve handled it better.

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So you basically made her choose between you and her child

 

Right.

 

I know you don't want to think that's what you did, that "you most certainly never want to keep her from her child"—but, well, that's what happened here and why she's upset.

 

Again, I go back to the rockiness. If things weren't "rocky" I suspect you'd have handled this differently, since there would have been less pressure on the trip to "solve" something. It would have been a weekend at the beach—one where you had to kill an hour or two alone while she saw her kid. Little bummer, sure, but also time to read a book you like, watch a TV show she hates, take a walk, whatever.

 

I'm not saying all that to scold you. You clearly care about her and respect her relationship with her child. Something is just kind of pressurized right now and it came to a head. Unfortunately, when a child is involved when the gasket blows it just creates a new set of pressures.

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I agree bluecastle. I appreciate the advice. I mean I don’t think everything is ruined. But now it’s just an issue that will be there for awhile and I will have to show next time I can make the right decision. I just feel bad because initially I believed what I was doing was the right thing and looking back, I see how this turned into something worse.

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I wanted her to see her son. The scenario in which it happened was something I wasn’t prepared for. I’ve never dealt with it and it was so last minute. I wanted to see if he could drop the child off or an alternative but realistically that’s the only way it would happen. Maybe I was in the wrong, but I’ve done so much for her and her son and I love that kid with all my heart. It was a position I was put in that I’ve never been through, and I guess I could’ve handled it better.

 

Its not the fact that you have never dealt with it, its the fact that you approached it as being "disrespected". For a three year old, being 2 weeks away from the primary caregiver for two weeks is a huge deal. It would be good for the child for mom to make an appearance for an hour or two. If the child was 10 it would be different.

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I agree bluecastle. I appreciate the advice. I mean I don’t think everything is ruined. But now it’s just an issue that will be there for awhile and I will have to show next time I can make the right decision. I just feel bad because initially I believed what I was doing was the right thing and looking back, I see how this turned into something worse.

 

Well... you have worked through the worst of the feelings it would seem OP and have come out the other side to see where things went wrong. This is good.

 

I am a mom and a step mom, and am currently dating someone with a child. My best advice here is to learn to set your personal feelings aside when it comes to her child, and try to view it from the child's point of view instead of yours. The child will always come first and you don't want to get in the middle of that I am sure.... and this might be the beginning of your GF and her Ex finding some harmony and peace when it comes to co-parenting, so you want to show support for that even if you don't feel it on the inside. In my experience these shows of support can lead to a harmonious relationship with all of you down the road.

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My first thought for you was - get over yourself. A mother's child always comes first, especially when said child is only 3. Two wks without mom is a long time for a little kid. A one hour dinner is no big deal for you to amuse yourself.

 

I'm glad you see you handled it badly and I really hope you did learn from this. Never intentionally, or not, put a child between you and it's mother. You will lose.

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I don’t care that you’re unfamiliar with this particular situation. It’s a child - and no I don’t care if the child is 3 or 13- this was a family dinner and the father was being generous to share his scheduled time with her and this way the child gets to see mom in a really fun and warm setting. And you complained because of some insecurity and because it was a new situation? All relationships have new or unforeseen situations. That’s when you find out what people are made of. It’s totally cool if dating a person with a child is not for you. Not cool if you sign on to it and then balk at a very typical situation of her choosing to be with her child over you for a short amount of time - yes there are extremes - if she cancelled the trip entirely because last minute she knew she’d miss her child too much then fine - that’s closer to the line. There was a movie with Helen hunt where she was making out on the sofa with her date and her son woke up and called for her. And got sick all over her. So when she returned to her new date she still had his sickness in her hair or something. He left. Which is fine. He realized he couldn’t handle it.

I also chose to end a relationship when I realized after my new boyfriend’s ex girlfriend had their baby and he chose to spend nights over at her place to help the baby - I trusted him and also knew the situation was just not for me- so after about two months of dating I ended things. But I didn’t insist that he not sleep over. Because his baby came first.

 

I don’t think this has to do with “new situation “. You want to come first. You don’t want a situation where your partner is in such close touch with her ex. That’s cool. But this is her life and her reality and she’s a great mom for wanting to be with her child. And you don’t value that enough to make that a priority over your discomfort. So date someone without a child. Sorry this doesn’t seem to be working out.

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I think the OP was very even and respectful of the situation. He expressed some unease at the fact that he had plans that weekend for them but felt put off. Those were his first reactions which might be anyone's first reaction. He mentioned more than once this was the first time he's encountered a clash in schedules of this nature. He hasn't done anything wrong. He certainly hasn't forbade anyone to go or had a temper tantrum about it. He said he felt disrespected but anything could be read into that. Feeling disrespected could stem from feelings of unease and feeling taken forgranted for and considering the context where he already had plans ready for them, I don't think it's unusual to feel in the lurch in the least.

 

His feeling disrespected may even have come from his partner's reaction to him expressing any emotion. Who knows how she really reacted to him: with a face? With an off-sounding tone or impatience? Mentioning that things are "ruined" is quite a strong reaction from her and quite negative in itself. I wouldn't trust someone who isn't able to handle a partner's reaction. He is entitled to how he feels just as she is. Handling both sides respectfully is warranted.

 

I agree with Bluecastle that long-standing issues or other cracks in the relationship will cause greater insecurities and emotions may be a bit more intense than usual when there are pre-existing issues. Put things in context and perspective.

 

OP: I'd say let yourself go through your emotions and thoughts and come to a conclusion on your own. You obviously care for this woman and her child. I wouldn't bear resentment against the child's father if you want this relationship to survive. Your partner should be understanding of your emotions also while balancing her commitments to her child and the child's father (his custody rights). If you don't feel like there's a good balance or she's not in the right head space for a relationship or you're both not compatible, let her go. It takes two to tango. I would not put up with a co-parenting situation where my partner is not vested in our romantic relationship or respectful of the way I feel regardless of what's going on in the family.

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Can I ask why you thought a vacation was going to fix a rocky relationship? Could you clarify that? If you believe your relationship rocky and you haven't really talked about the problem with your girlfriend, then I doubt going on vacation to the beach (which has its own stressors) will solve anything.

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I disagree that he just expressed unease. He wrote:

 

"but I felt disrespected in the process. I couldn’t come along with her and the dad wouldn’t drop the child off because he is mean with that kind of thing, I get that. So her only option was to go to dinner with him, their son, and the parents for an hour, while I stayed at our condo. She thinks I didn’t handle any of this well because I didn’t think it was fair to me"

 

So he felt "disrespected" and that it was "unfair" to him. Yes, if he'd just blurted out "I'm glad you can see your son and this is just kind of new for me but mostly I'm glad" -then fine (I would be a much larger fan of taking the high road since it's about her 3 year old son and expressing the "unease" to a friend, not the mother/his girlfriend but ok). No. He made it all about him - and "disrespect" is a pretty intense emotion and unfair sounds like a petulant child who wants things his way on a vacation and can't be flexible even when it comes to her child. No need to be familiar -all he knows is that this is her child - i.e. something really important to her. Just like if her boss asked her to please take a one hour conference call meeting during a planned vacation because all of a sudden an important client was insisting on a meeting - and in this case he should know as an adult dating a woman with a child that her child is at least as important if not more so (hopefully!) than her boss.

 

And while being uneasy he should have been HAPPY that her ex was thoughtful enough to plan this dinner with the family. She gets to see her child and doesn't have the caretaking responsibilities -just a fun dinner and then he gets to do bedtime, overnight, etc.

 

I think she's seeing a side of him that makes her really uneasy -that his first reaction -which he can't help but express is one of "disrespect" because how dare she put her child first and how dare she plan a dinner with her ex he can't come to - because it's the only way to see her child. If he can't get that -if his first reaction -that he can't help but express- is that it's disrespectful because he's not invited and the ex will be there -then he has no business dating a woman with a child.

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I think the OP was very even and respectful of the situation. He expressed some unease at the fact that he had plans that weekend for them but felt put off. Those were his first reactions which might be anyone's first reaction. He mentioned more than once this was the first time he's encountered a clash in schedules of this nature. He hasn't done anything wrong. He certainly hasn't forbade anyone to go or had a temper tantrum about it. He said he felt disrespected but anything could be read into that. Feeling disrespected could stem from feelings of unease and feeling taken forgranted for and considering the context where he already had plans ready for them, I don't think it's unusual to feel in the lurch in the least.

 

His feeling disrespected may even have come from his partner's reaction to him expressing any emotion. Who knows how she really reacted to him: with a face? With an off-sounding tone or impatience? Mentioning that things are "ruined" is quite a strong reaction from her and quite negative in itself. I wouldn't trust someone who isn't able to handle a partner's reaction. He is entitled to how he feels just as she is. Handling both sides respectfully is warranted.

 

He backed her into making a choice and then cancelled the trip over it. I think that is just shy of a tantrum over not getting his way.

 

Who knows how she really reacted to him: with a face? With an off-sounding tone or impatience? If he didn't include that, why speculate on it?

 

I gave him a wide birth agreeing it might make him uncomfortable, but relationships are about compromise. He could deal with the discomfort of this very new situation he is in.. Instead he issued an ultimatum. No mother is going to choose the man over their child when something that is handled this way.

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Did i interpret the situation wrong - or were both parties (him and girlfriend + girlfriend's ex and family with child) vacation in the same place. "We were also going to the beach" made me feel like it was. if that was the case, what was the big flippin deal if she takes an hour or two away from him. its not like they were going to Florida and the other group were in the Bahamas.

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Did i interpret the situation wrong - or were both parties (him and girlfriend + girlfriend's ex and family with child) vacation in the same place. "We were also going to the beach" made me feel like it was. if that was the case, what was the big flippin deal if she takes an hour or two away from him. its not like they were going to Florida and the other group were in the Bahamas.

 

You read write -they all happen to be vacationing in the same location so it's completely convenient for her to leave for an hour or so for a family dinner.

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I think some of these responses are quite harsh, we all make mistakes, we learn, we grow.

 

As the OP did here, good for you OP, I applaud you for that, not everyone does, sadly.

 

I am wondering though what the issue was exactly.

 

Do you feel somewhat threatened by her ex, and imagining them spending time together with their child, triggered some anxiety, insecurity and trust issues you have that have been lying dormant till now?

 

And as such, you were trying to control those anxieties by controlling her and her choice to spend time with her ex and their child for one hour?

 

Not accusing, just asking, it's not uncommon for some folks to manage their anxieties and insecurities by attempting to control what their partner does or does not do, if they're not comfortable with it.

 

It's wrong, and can be toxic, but it happpens unfortunately.

 

In any event, lesson learned, right?

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I don't think it's too harsh. Part of adulting is learning to filter and keep the immature feelings to oneself when from your partner's perspective she's dealing with basically the top priority in her life, her child. At those times if you want a relationship with that person you take a deep breath, respond in a mature way and if you later realize you feel resentful or badly and can't deal with it you decide if you can accept what you cannot change -she has a child who comes first in exactly this type of situation - and if you can't the answer may be to walk away and let your partner find someone who can handle being with a woman with a young child especially. Yes people make mistakes. Of course. And she -the victim of his mistake - has to decide whether this is indicative of a larger issue or a one off mistake. Unfortunately I didn't hear that he told her it was a huge mistake, that of course he should have simply said "cool that this dinner can work out for you" and express a sincere apology and that it wouldn't recur.

 

I think the real issue is this is a last straw -rocky relationship, he plans a vacation to try to smooth things over and then reacts in this way. Perhaps it was rocky because he'd acted in this way about other stuff too.

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