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Thread: How to mend things when he doesn't see himself marrying me

  1. #1

    How to mend things when he doesn't see himself marrying me

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years now and sure we've had quarrels like any couples do but him and I have always been happy together. We have always just sort of clicked and we fell in love with in a week of meeting each other and have been together ever since. Recently his sister and her husband has a little baby and my boyfriend was visiting them this whole week and then when I went to visit once he was home, we got into a huge fight. The day was perfect starting off we were binge watching our new favorite show together and cuddling and then got into a tickle fight and he stopped and kissed my forehead and said I love you more than anything and life was perfect but then less than an hour later, things were getting hot and heavy and he stopped and got up and was like "I can't do this it's not you it's me I think with the baby and everything I'm just not comfortable" and upon deeper conversation he said "it just doesn't feel right. I love you more than anything in this world but we've been together 4 years and it's time to think about marriage but I honestly don't see myself married to you in 1 or 2 years. I feel like I'm just using you." And I was shocked it felt like my world had collapsed around me but I calmly asked him why he felt that way and his answer was "I dont know, we are just such different people and I think we just want different things in life and the more I think about it the more I don't think we can be together" and at this point I can't help but crying but I asked him what was so different that I wanted in life then him and he firstly was like "well you've been hesitant about kids lately and things just don't feel right anymore" and in his defense yes we've always wanted kids in the future and then seeing my 2 year old neice and his newborn neice I think it scared me so I said some things I don't mean. I do want kids I was just a little scared. But anyways he then went on to say "I don't know. I don't even know what I want." And then I start panicking because literally he's the only one I ever see myself marrying and being with and I was like "can we try to work through things and talk things out. I don't want to throw this away because you're the only one I want to spend my life with and I love you so so much" and he looked at me and hugged me and said "you know I love you and I want to try too" and so I went home and we're going to have a conversation this weekend about what to do and I'm so lost. He's been acting like it never happened ever since but I know we need to talk about it but I don't know what to say. I really need any guidance. I know some of you might think breaking up is the best thing but I want a chance to fix things I want to know that we gave it our best and if it still isn't enough then so be it but I want some guidance on how to try mending things.
    Thank you for your time,
    Mel

  2. #2
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    Have you considered couples counseling?

  3. 05-22-2019, 12:50 PM

  4. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't think any major moves right now or outbursts are a good idea. He's expressing some concerns and what you can do is listen very carefully. You're upset understandably but don't lash back out or actively nitpick the relationship. Let him express his concerns and listen. Use your discretion for time outs and whether pushing a conversation too far in an emotional moment is wise or not and be careful about pushing for answers at the wrong time. Give yourselves time to cool off and come away from difficult topics and come back refreshed.

    If he does love you like he says he does he should be willing to talk about those concerns again but now that he's shared his thoughts. You should be able to share yours and revise whatever initial misgivings you've had about kids in the future. You can express to him as well that what he's said has hurt you deeply and you are wondering whether he has more to say on the issue.

    I do not suggest letting this go on for an indefinite amount of time or allowing this to fester. His language: he feels like he is just using you (paraphrasing here) is disturbing and you should express that you feel unsettled and need some honesty. If he doesn't know where he stands, he should have the courage to stop 'using you'. This is completely unacceptable and disingenuous.

  5. #4
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I have two young adult sons who have been through something similar.

    My oldest, after spending the day with other couples, most with babies and small children, came away a little rattled. He explained to me couple days later that he didn't think he wanted kids and didn't see himself even married. Problem here is he had a girlfriend for 2 years and being a couple years older than him, she was very clear about what she wanted and when.

    Instead of letting him work it out (and whether he ever would is questionable, still) she pushed and pulled and the last year of relationship was fraught with power plays and drama. That's what ended their relationship. Not their differences in what they wanted in the future.

    I agree with Rose. Let him have his doubts and let him process these things. View the challenge as a positive. He'll either come out the other side knowing what he wants or what he doesn't. In the meantime take a step back and get your balance. At the same time I totally understand that this news is upsetting.

    It doesn't mean he'll come around and change his mind. But being intense and emotional during this time will not be in your favor. He'll view it as a complete package with diaper and drama and it will confirm his greatest fear at this moment.

    My son and his didn't fare very well. She was unhinged the entire time and now he associates, relationships, marriage and kids with something negative.
    Give this a moment to marinate.. . And at the same time have an end date for how long you are willing to wait.

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  7. #5
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    What did you say that you did not mean regarding kids?
    Also, what frightened you?

  8. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm not sure how hold you are, but I'm thinking youngish, under 30? If you wouldn't mind answering that I'll have some more nuanced thoughts to share.

  9. #7
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    What did you say that you did not mean regarding kids?
    Also, what frightened you?
    That is my question, too.

    I think whatever you said about kids triggered him to rethink things, but there were probably some latent doubts already building, OP. This issue likely just brought them to the surface.

  10. #8
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    I can understand how you feel OP, I am sure this came as a shock and it's okay for you to feel hurt, scared, angry, all of those things. I really like what Rose said... and also this:

    My son and his didn't fare very well. She was unhinged the entire time and now he associates, relationships, marriage and kids with something negative.
    Give this a moment to marinate.. . And at the same time have an end date for how long you are willing to wait.
    Allow him the space to process how he feels, and then express how it landed on you. At the end of the day even though these conversations are hard and painful, it's much better to get things like this out in the open so you can find a new path if need be.

  11. #9
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    How old are you both?

    If he does not see himself marrying you (and you guys aren't kids) in the next few years, and you want marriage and children, i think you should take to heart what he said and part ways. Because if you stay with him and be quiet about marriage, just go with the flow and then 4 years from now you decide you want to get married soon, he might break up with you citing that he already told you its not what he wanted.

    I would part ways. who knows. Once you leave, he may 3-6 months down the road realize he made a mistake, or you could meet someone who wants to get married.

    I agree with letting things marinate for a little while - but at the same time, think about things for yourself, but don't wait too long. Don't fall back into the old routine and think things are settled. You deserve more than a guy who feels he is using you.

  12. #10
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    "I dont know, we are just such different people and I think we just want different things in life and the more I think about it the more I don't think we can be together"

    I would listen to this. BTW, don't settle. he may be the only person you can think of wanting to spend life with that you have MET SO FAR. I would not have met the love of my life if I didn't let my longterm relationship go first and give myself time. you can't counsel your way out of wanting different things. If someone tells you that they don't think you can be together, don't use it as a dare to prove them wrong. I will predict you decide you don't want kids or marriage to keep him around, and then you will end up being very miserable a few years down the road. Don't do it. I married a man who didn't believe in marriage (i was shocked when he changed his tune but i found out later he was motivated because he didn't want to die old and alone) but in the end, it was a short marriage because he didn't believe in marriage - he tried to sabotage it at every turn and then told everyone he was divorced before anyone had filled out papers.

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