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Thread: I, 27/M, went on a few dates with a woman, 24/F, and need some advice/support!

  1. #11
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    I don't see where anything you did "backfired". You were both figuring things out. You figured you were ready to become exclusive. She figured she was not ready for a relationship and wants to throw you back so you aren't waiting for her to figure stuff out.

    You figured out different things, but it was still a worthwhile interaction. That's life.

  2. #12
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    @MissCanuck:
    She doesn't want to sever ties completely from what I see, so there is that avenue. Plus, we have each other on social media. Of course, we won't be seeing each other if she wants it under the guise of "just friends." I must also point out that it's not like I give her a lot of attention or have lengthy back-and-forths about her baggage. So any satisfaction derived from hanging out purely has to do with how well our dynamic is, not being an emotional dumping ground or anything. Looking at her posts, she's handling it well BUT I'm sure it bothers her when she's alone and it's mostly distractions. It's not rejection, it's what happened around it.
    I'm not sure if it's worth mentioning, but in my last text to her, I said that I expected something different and that I wanted something long-term, and that we could give that a shot if she was up for it because I felt it at her end too. Now, it might be "blowing it" but I had to make sure that there were no misunderstandings about my intentions. Now, of course, that might solidify me as an "option" but it also keeps me in the picture for when she's done dealing with the baggage. That is IF I'm single by then.

  3. #13
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    I get the feeling—just to broaden this a bit, since you clearly enjoy analysis—that one of your general priorities in dating right now is proving yourself to be a standup guy rather than the womanizer you've been mistaken for.

    And that is the eagerness I'm really talking about—the eagerness to be seen as "good" and "intentional," rather than a "fu*kboy" with some good game and some genetic gifts.

    I think what appealed about her—aside from her looks, personality, and the fact that she was down to make out—was that she seemed to be someone who could "get" this side of you, or maybe someone you could "test" this side out on. And I think what you're now mourning was the opportunity to be that guy—the good guy.

    I mean, asking someone to be exclusive after three dates? Telling someone after they say they're not ready for a relationship that you had planned to have that talk? All of that sounds less like responding to a connection with an actual person, than using a person to act out and realize something preexisting in yourself—something aspirational that's still a little vague, but would become "real" and concrete with another.

    All good. It's all a journey—connecting and disconnecting and almost connecting and, in the process, finding a little bit more of ourselves.

    Per abitbroken's post, I would chill a bit with becoming a social media sleuth in the future. It's a hall of mirrors, as you're smart enough to know, and all it does is magnify ideas about people that may not exist, and make people bigger and more complicated than they really are or need to be.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    When I read stories like this, I think of my own experience.

    Dated a guy for a couple months. I got the `I am just not feelin' it' phone call. He was fresh out of a relationship and not ready on any level.

    I didn't contact him or remind him that I still existed. I got busy with my life. About a month later he called. I can't lie, I was thrilled. But there was this little nagging voice inside me I wouldn't listen to. He insisted that his feelings grew in my absence? . hmmmm?

    2 months back into seeing each other again, that little voice I stuffed became loud and clear. "If he really cared, at least to the level that I needed him to for me to continue, he would have never risked losing me to begin with " I said out loud or to anyone else listening in the grocery store parking lot, while slamming close the trunk of my car.

    The thrill of being chosen (again) after being discarded was gone. I ended it. He didn't fight for it. End of story.

    Ill never know and don't really care, but I think he might have gone back to the ex in the interim and that in turn made me the back up plan. Just a hunch.

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  6. #15
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    OP, you've been on like 3 dates with this girl, and known her for like a month. In your first sentence, you basically answered your own question. Keep taking your own advice and stay away. She's not over her ex.

  7. #16
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    @saluk: Yeah, not to be hung up, but I feel like we could reconnect once this hump is over.

    @bluecastle: While at some level I agree, I feel like that's a bit too deep, haha. She's nice, has her heart in the right place about a lot of things, and has the right mix of traditional and forward enough for me to enjoy it a lot. We've connected very well, but I can see why she'd pull the plug at the moment. While I realize that some of it IS me, it's more about my desire than wanting to see myself reflect back in a puddle of my relationship with her.

  8. #17
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    In my case, it's a bit different. First of all, I realize how feelings are and how they can change. I also don't have an ego when it comes to exes - if she gets back with him, cool, but I doubt she will, given how badly it ended. It's okay to not be ready for a relationship. She didn't do it in that manner either, and I DO think that your ex was being unreasonable pulling that a few months into it. That's a bit too long unless the last relationship was deeper than I think. I doubt he was benching you for his ex either, he legitimately could have planned for it to work until his heart got in the way. So, I wouldn't say that he "discarded" you - feelings are complicated, after all. While I don't plan on waiting hung up for months, I am wishful that the family/personal issues settle for her in a bit and we reconnect like we did. For some people, they heal. She seems like she is, and it might take a little while. Others stay hung up on someone for years, all the while half-assedly connecting with people along the way but getting strung along by their ex - I know a real life example of this too.

  9. #18
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    @WithLove: Oh I am staying away for now. If we reconnect, we reconnect. If not, we don't. I'd love to get back to see where we're both at in a few months or so, of course. I posted here because I wanted to see if a similar situation had "worked out" for someone else. I have a few real life examples, but a discussion with strangers is better because I want to explore it in depth.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by KoolPiko
    @saluk: Yeah, not to be hung up, but I feel like we could reconnect once this hump is over.

    @bluecastle: While at some level I agree, I feel like that's a bit too deep, haha. She's nice, has her heart in the right place about a lot of things, and has the right mix of traditional and forward enough for me to enjoy it a lot. We've connected very well, but I can see why she'd pull the plug at the moment. While I realize that some of it IS me, it's more about my desire than wanting to see myself reflect back in a puddle of my relationship with her.
    This "hump" is her figuring out whether or not she is ready to date and what kind of person she will want that to be. It's not about you. It seems a bit condescending to me for you to essentially say that you know her better than she knows herself if you are already predicting what she will learn at the end of her journey on her own.

    You hope she comes back, because you clearly have strong feelings toward her. If you really love her you need to consider that she is going to learn what she is going to learn. She could meet someone tomorrow and realize that it wasn't her ex that kept her from fully falling for you, but the fact that you just weren't right for her.

    Been there. Life is damn easier when you only have to worry about what you are going to do without trying to predict what others are going to do. It's easier to walk through pain than to try to shortcut your way to not feeling it anymore, trust me. This social media stalking is doing you no favors. What would you get out of "figuring her out" anyway? You can't make any decisions for her.

  11. #20
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    @saluk: I used the word "could" so I like to think that I'm not being too presumptuous! A baseline of attraction and chemistry that allows a woman to take initiative despite facing the circumstances she's facing might be enough for us to reconnect after the hump. If not, it's cool. My dependent ex left me for another dude when I was in love with her, I got over it in 6 months and this pales in comparison. I'm confused because of some mixed signals that she definitely sent, which I'll type out if it comes down to it. I guess I'm being morose over the apparent finality of her decision and have some hope about it changing somewhere down the road. Of course, she can meet someone new and so can I. Besides, I don't think what a person wants or is attracted to changes that drastically - even after my breakup. Of course, you probably don't want to date the same type of person after a nasty heartbreak, but I've also come to realize that people are similar for the most part. I can take the worst person I know and compare him to the best person I know and the differences, while stark in practice, are minuscule as "traits" if that makes any sense. For the most part, I have a solid reputation in multiple circles that is a result of possessing, hopefully, some desirable traits - let's hope that these will suffice!
    You're right about that, ultimately, it COULD be me. However, having been in similar circumstances, I know even Angelina Jolie wouldn't have been able to pull me out of it. When the patch ended, however, the emotions tapered. Also, I'm sure I don't love her! I can see someone like that with me and I'm attracted to her - that's mostly it!

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