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Thread: Need Help, Back in contact with Ex Fiance

  1. #1
    Member NeriaSurana's Avatar
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    Need Help, Back in contact with Ex Fiance

    So I will try and keep this as short as possible just need some advice or someone to just snap me out of this and tell me i'm being stupid and to move on with my life I don't know.

    Me and my ex were together for 2 years we had a rough start as we were both single parents and had just come out of our relationships (in hindsight we probably should have waited before getting together so soon) so our exes had made our lives complete hell for months. Thing is it would have been fine if we could have just blocked and ignored our exes but as we both had kids to them it made it impossible.
    Our relationship was amazing for the first few months we ignored all the anger and hate we were getting from our exes we loved each other and had so much fun but after a while the abuse from them started to take it's toll on me, for him it was easy to deal with as he doesn't care what people say or think, but for me I'm very non-confrontational and introverted so I've never had to deal with something as crazy as that or anyone hating me so much when I literally had done nothing to them except date their ex. It even went as far as me going to the courts to file a restraining order against her but in the end I decided not to as my partner had told me it would make things harder for him and seeing his daughter if i went through with it.
    Anyway I got severely depressed I lost a lot of weight I became angry and bitter and took it out on my partner blamed him for everything that was happening even though I know it wasn't his fault but I fell into a really dark place when all this was happening I wasn't me anymore. Then I decided to leave him after 8 months into our relationship as I was messed up and even though all the drama had finally come to an end also around that time I was still angry from it so I told him I needed to be on my own get my head sorted as I wasn't okay and I was destroying our relationship because of it, he begged me not to leave he even cried, turned up at my mums house and refused to leave but I didn't let him in and told him to go or I would call the cops, so he did.
    But a few days later I was missing him like crazy so I messaged him to meet up and talk so we did and we got back together as I didn't want to lose him but I still hadn't dealt with the problems in my head so for the rest of our relationship I kept getting angry over small things we'd fight over stupid stuff and it went on for the next 14 months until we had a huge fight and I threw all his stuff into the front room and told him to get out of my house and that we were over and he said fine and left. Realising my mistake that this wasn't what I wanted I called him, begged and cried for him to come back and that I was sorry and that I wanted to work on our relationship together but he said there was nothing to work out and he'd had enough and to leave him alone I told him to tell me he doesn't love me anymore and that he doesn't want me and I will leave him alone but he refused to say anything so I asked him again to tell me he doesn't love me and he said to just leave him alone. I tried a couple more times a week later and asked him why he didn't want to work things out when we were engaged and he told me he would never give up on me and that he couldn't wait to marry me and this was only a couple months before we broke up that he was saying all this. He said he just doesn't want to and for me to let it go, so I did, I went no contact for 3 months and was organising through his friends to get him to pick up the rest of his stuff from my house which he did eventually, took him a while to do it.
    After the 3 months I decided to write him an email about how I had been working on myself and my issues to get back to the happy and fun person I used to be and that I was sorry for how I acted during and after our relationship, at the end of the email i said if he was happy with the way things are currently that I will continue to leave him alone and not contact him or if not and he wanted to catch up maybe for lunch or something then to give me a text or call and I mentioned in it that it wasn't to get back together just to see how he was going etc. I didn't expect a reply at all as I had not heard anything from him during no contact at all except for a couple of angry messages about his stuff in my house (but that's not relevant).

    He sent an email back a couple days later saying something along the lines of i'm willing to talk to you I don't hold on to grudges, i'm not mad etc. and that he's always stayed friends with his exes (except for the one that went crazy at the start of our relationship) so I decided to text him after this and asked if he was free to catch up soon, he said he could meet me on my lunch break at work and give me back the spare key for my house (which he still had) but he said he wasn't going to stay for my full hour break and it was just to say hi and drop the key off. We met up at a cafe near my work and i asked if he was going to order anything, he said no as he didn't plan on staying but half an hour later of catching up he got up and ordered a drink and we ended up talking for another 15 minutes so he did pretty much end up staying for my entire break, i looked at the time and said i have to go back to work now we hugged and he went home. He sent me a message later saying it was good to catch up and that i seemed like a different person and to keep up the positivity. I thought this was a good sign so I started to text him regularly (not too much though only a couple of times a day) then all of a sudden he stopped replying or he'd be cold and short with his responses, then i got a text from him after not hearing from him for a bit about how he's sorry if he seems to be ignoring me or was blunt in his messages as he doesn't want me to get my hopes up that we will get back together as right now he just needs a friend and he also mentioned in the text that the reason he left me was because he wasn't making me happy (he suffers from depression on and off but refuses to go on medication or see a therapist about it as he thinks it doesn't work), so i replied back and said it's fine but i'll be honest i do hope that we can one day work things out as i do still care about you a lot but right now i'm good with just friends as I still don't think i'm ready for a relationship myself either with anyone as I'm still working on myself.
    So since then I've tried to text him again regularly trying to start up conversations (nothing about the relationship or anything serious, just trying to talk about things we have in common or trying to joke around and keeping the conversation light and fun) but they keep dying out after 1 or 2 texts as he's blunt and then just doesn't respond, I guess because I told him I still wanted to work things out with him he's still being guarded and not trying to be too friendly with me. I was hoping that we could be friend, I could show him I've improved and i'm not the bitter and resentful girl I used to be and maybe work up from there see how things go, but if he didn't want to and he didn't love me wouldn't he just say that and tell me to leave him alone again? I don't know I'm confused.
    I know in my head I should just give up and let him go and go back to no contact but I love this man so much I've never had trouble getting over someone until him, usually only takes me about a few weeks for me to get over someone. I don't want to give up on him, but I'm feeling this is a sign that I definitely need to give up now and just keep focusing on me but my heart keeps telling me to not to give up.

    Does anyone have any experience of being with someone who also suffers depression or has been the person who suffered with depression and left the person they loved because of it? I'm just trying to understand it I guess.

    I've probably missed some things out as I wrote this quite quickly and if you want me to clarify on things I can just didn't want to make this longer than it already is.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    On-again, off again relationships mean the relationship isn't meant to be. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. With several breakups already, don['t you think another is likely? Yes, I ended my first marriage because my husband suffered from depression and he stopped his meds and psychiatric therapy. He killed all the love I had for him by isolating himself, being overly defensive, and being angry too often.

    If you have to fight for a relationship or wait around as a friend hoping he'll have an epiphany that you're "the one," just don't.

    Not getting over him is not a sign you should stick around. The closure will just take more work from you. Send him a text saying for that your own good and closure, you're going no contact. Then delete him from all social media.

    Time will heal. Spend time with girlfriends. Get a new hobby/interest. Pamper yourself. If you feel you suffer from depression, seek help. Take care.

  3. #3
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    “I thought this was a good sign so I started to text him regularly (not too much though only a couple of times a day) ”

    A couple of times a day ?
    You have no contact for months and then you go to twice a day?!
    Way over the top!!

    He clearly has no interest in rekindling a relationship with you nor having you as a friend. He was just simply satisfied to not have any animosity between you.

    Even had he been interested in rekindling a text once per week should be all the contact between you.

    I’m sorry but he hasn’t left you because of depression, he left because the relationship wasn’t working depression or no depression.

    Stop torturing yourself by even thinking along those lines.
    The breakup had nothing to do with his ex , your ex, his depression , you.
    You simply aren’t right for each other.

    Time to block and start grieving. Sorry.

  4. #4
    Member NeriaSurana's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    “I thought this was a good sign so I started to text him regularly (not too much though only a couple of times a day) ”

    A couple of times a day ?
    You have no contact for months and then you go to twice a day?!
    Way over the top!!

    He clearly has no interest in rekindling a relationship with you nor having you as a friend. He was just simply satisfied to not have any animosity between you.

    Even had he been interested in rekindling a text once per week should be all the contact between you.

    I’m sorry but he hasn’t left you because of depression, he left because the relationship wasn’t working depression or no depression.

    Stop torturing yourself by even thinking along those lines.
    The breakup had nothing to do with his ex , your ex, his depression , you.
    You simply aren’t right for each other.

    Time to block and start grieving. Sorry.
    I know you're right, as much as it hurts to hear.

    And I genuinely did not think a couple of texts was too bad? But maybe that's true as well it was too much and I shouldn't have tried to talk so much straight away.
    He did say he wanted to be friends because he missed talking about video games and star wars with me and he wanted to get our daughters together again to have a playdate, but maybe you're right he didn't really mean it. But why would he bother saying anything and just say to me no hard feelings and keep going with no contact as that's what I said in the email if he had no intention on actually being friends with me again?

    I think i'm just overthinking it and I needed to be told i'm being stupid. I personally don't think we were wrong for each other, I think we were right for each other just wrong timing.

    I will message him tomorrow and let him know I can't do this as it actually isn't helping at all and go back to no contact

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  6. #5
    Member NeriaSurana's Avatar
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    Oh and by a couple of texts I mean I would only send one and then reply to the one he sent back. I didn't just send a couple of texts throughout the day with no response from him. If I didn't get a response I'd just leave it.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by NeriaSurana
    I know you're right, as much as it hurts to hear.

    And I genuinely did not think a couple of texts was too bad? But maybe that's true as well it was too much and I shouldn't have tried to talk so much straight away.
    He did say he wanted to be friends because he missed talking about video games and star wars with me and he wanted to get our daughters together again to have a playdate, but maybe you're right he didn't really mean it. But why would he bother saying anything and just say to me no hard feelings and keep going with no contact as that's what I said in the email if he had no intention on actually being friends with me again?

    I think i'm just overthinking it and I needed to be told i'm being stupid. I personally don't think we were wrong for each other, I think we were right for each other just wrong timing.

    I will message him tomorrow and let him know I can't do this as it actually isn't helping at all and go back to no contact
    Maybe just maybe he at the time foolishly thought friends was a possibility.
    You were on best behaviour at the lunch meet and came across different and more positive.
    However you undid that by contacting him too much and by saying you would consider rekindling things when he gave no indication or desire to do so.
    As I said one text a week would have been suffice but you sent at least one daily and I’m sure more had his responses been in any way positive. But he was cutting the contact short because he didn’t want it.

    And NO do not text him to let you know you can’t do “this”
    There is no this. He doesn’t care for a relationship or even friendship at this point and you texting him to say you can’t do “this” is simply going reinforce the fact to him that you have not changed your outlook , positivity etc.

    Just go no contact. Block , delete , whatever.
    But give no explanation because simply put he doesn’t care for one.

  8. #7
    Member NeriaSurana's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    Maybe just maybe he at the time foolishly thought friends was a possibility.
    You were on best behaviour at the lunch meet and came across different and more positive.
    However you undid that by contacting him too much and by saying you would consider rekindling things when he gave no indication or desire to do so.
    As I said one text a week would have been suffice but you sent at least one daily and I’m sure more had his responses been in any way positive. But he was cutting the contact short because he didn’t want it.

    And NO do not text him to let you know you can’t do “this”
    There is no this. He doesn’t care for a relationship or even friendship at this point and you texting him to say you can’t do “this” is simply going reinforce the fact to him that you have not changed your outlook , positivity etc.

    Just go no contact. Block , delete , whatever.
    But give no explanation because simply put he doesn’t care for one.
    Thank you. I really needed that.

    I shouldn't have done any of this I should've just left it alone. I feel so stupid.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    First off, you're not being stupid. What you're being is human. Now the question becomes: What kind of human do you want to be?

    It's clear that you know this relationship was basically a mess: built on a rocky and dysfunctional foundation and crumbling, more than growing, basically from day one.

    For what it's worth, I think the timing was actually perfect for what you were both subconsciously seeking, which was an escape hatch out of your previous relationships. Mutual rebounding, in short. And you got that: a tornado of drama that pushed another tornado of drama to the fringes. The hard pill to swallow is that in getting that you never quite got the thing you really want, in the big picture, which is a healthy relationship.

    And that, I think, is why you're finding this hard to get over: you don't want to swallow that pill quite yet. If you can hold onto softer ideas and smaller pills—that it was just bad timing, that you've never experienced a love quite like this—you don't have to face the choices you made to get to this place. If you can be together, make it "work," or at least find some way to be cool and cordial, you can find a bigger, holier meaning to the whole affair than "Whoa—that was a mess."

    But there is power—and, ultimately, peace—in being able to humbly accept that you got yourself in a mess. It happens. It is, again, just human. Not stupid. I've gotten myself in plenty of messes as well, particularly my last big relationship, which lasted three years but in hindsight should have been nothing more than a very hot week or two. And, like you, I probably knew that, deep down, the entire time.

    Accepting that mess wasn't fun, because it meant accepting that I wasn't quite as mature and emotionally evolved as I thought I was. But it also shined a light on things: a harsh light at first, but softer as the eyes adjusted. I'd encourage you to go down that path—of self-exploration, of getting in touch with the parts of yourself that you value and want to share—rather than hanging onto a mess through little text messages and head spins. That's really just drama, and a way of avoiding the harder work that will actually lead you to what you want.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by NeriaSurana
    Thank you. I really needed that.

    I shouldn't have done any of this I should've just left it alone. I feel so stupid.
    No don’t feel stupid!
    We all do silly things when emotions are involved. Doesn’t make us stupid!

    It was a little blip in the grieving process.
    Just continue the no contact.
    Don’t respond to him if he contacts you regardless what he says.
    Keep moving forward!

    In future though don’t introduce your child to anyone until at least 6 months dating and only then as a friend and only if no drama in that 6 months.
    And certainly do not live with another man until at least 2 years dating and a commitment to the relationship rather than a convenience.

    It wasn’t about timing it was simply wrong.

  11. #10
    Member NeriaSurana's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    First off, you're not being stupid. What you're being is human. Now the question becomes: What kind of human do you want to be?

    It's clear that you know this relationship was basically a mess: built on a rocky and dysfunctional foundation and crumbling, more than growing, basically from day one.

    For what it's worth, I think the timing was actually perfect for what you were both subconsciously seeking, which was an escape hatch out of your previous relationships. Mutual rebounding, in short. And you got that: a tornado of drama that pushed another tornado of drama to the fringes. The hard pill to swallow is that in getting that you never quite got the thing you really want, in the big picture, which is a healthy relationship.

    And that, I think, is why you're finding this hard to get over: you don't want to swallow that pill quite yet. If you can hold onto softer ideas and smaller pills—that it was just bad timing, that you've never experienced a love quite like this—you don't have to face the choices you made to get to this place. If you can be together, make it "work," or at least find some way to be cool and cordial, you can find a bigger, holier meaning to the whole affair than "Whoa—that was a mess."

    But there is power—and, ultimately, peace—in being able to humbly accept that you got yourself in a mess. It happens. It is, again, just human. Not stupid. I've gotten myself in plenty of messes as well, particularly my last big relationship, which lasted three years but in hindsight should have been nothing more than a very hot week or two. And, like you, I probably knew that, deep down, the entire time.

    Accepting that mess wasn't fun, because it meant accepting that I wasn't quite as mature and emotionally evolved as I thought I was. But it also shined a light on things: a harsh light at first, but softer as the eyes adjusted. I'd encourage you to go down that path—of self-exploration, of getting in touch with the parts of yourself that you value and want to share—rather than hanging onto a mess through little text messages and head spins. That's really just drama, and a way of avoiding the harder work that will actually lead you to what you want.
    I actually remember saying that to someone ages ago that being with my ex actually helped me to get out of the relationship with my daughters father that I had been trying to get away from for so long but was too emotionally weak to do so. He sort of just showed up in my life just as I had left him, and I just had this instant connection with him and maybe yeah like you said it should have just been a rebound thing but it ended up lasting longer as the feelings we had for each other were so strong we couldn't let go of it and of course it turned into a huge mess.

    Even though you are all strangers from the internet who weren't there for the entire relationship it's actually good to get your perspective on my relationship it's forcing me to think about things from a different point of view instead of straight forward like mine which is i love him and i want to work things out with him. I'm remembering things and realising that maybe yeah it is just not meant to be..

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