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Thread: Second heartbreak

  1. #1
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    Second heartbreak

    This is a bit of hurt venting and sharing for support and it feels like a second heartbreak. It might be longish so TL/DR summary ex told me after breakup that she had school related deadline, but would like to talk and maybe date again after that. Then had, or let, a friend of hers tell me today it was over amongst insults.

    I have a couple of threads on here about breakup with ex who said her friend or friends (she used the word they about all the reasons why it ended. "They said I have to " "They said you didn't mean what you said." I don't know if singular or plural they) "made" her breakup with me over some legitimate issues and some out of left field that weren't ever a part of our relationship. I suspect the friend(s) part is more realistic than I thought now, but at the time I thought it was a little letting her friends drive things and a lot emotional deferral. She wasn't doing this to me they were.

    When we had last talked, the two people who were in the relationship, she indicated that she wanted to try talking and possibly dating again this summer. That was last contact I had with her until today. I got an email reply that was not in the style of any of the writing I had recieved hundreds of times from her in text and email that said she didn't see anything being possible between us. Down to word choice it wasn't how she would say things. So I called to see what was going on because email can get hacked and some teen doing that then sending messages for the lolz isn't unheard of. Plus last contact she said she definitely wanted to talk again.

    Her friend answered and told me, on her phone, that I wasn't welcome to contact her, that I was a piece of s*** for contacting her, that I'm old enough & smart enough to know how stupid I am, that I needed to grow up and get my act together because it's obviously been over for awhile and that my ex never saw anything good in me ever. If this were me calling for 10th or even 2nd or 3rd time after being told it was over by my ex I would agree to the get a clue part, but this was literally first call since breakup and, much more relevant, the first (and will be only) call since she gave me timeline for reconciliation. And I only called in response to message that sounded like someone else wrote it and contradicted what she had told me.


    Breakups and emotions don't always lead to rational or logical results, but am at a loss as to how this went from "Here is my timeline and after that we should talk and maybe we can even go out again" to "how dare you contact her after it was made clear it was over for good months ago." Mainly hurt and feel misled, or setup even, because she gave me exact dates of when contact would be ok and when she would have time to date again. I respected her requests on it and then I'm told I'm stupid that I didn't get the message long ago. I suspect a lot of that feeling of being intentionally ambushed is the instant pain and reaction to a horrible moment. I don't know the reasons why it happened this way at all. It's more emotionally feeling that way. I do know there is emotional immaturity at not being able to tell me herself it was over for good last time we spoke and she just pandered to make herself feel better or that she had changed her mind in the interim.

    My thoughts are all over the map as far as why it happened this way, but it's clear that this relationship is completely over. Not just for her, but it killed my hope as well. I went full NC and blocked on everything. It's closure, but a drastic change in tone and not what I expected at all closure. I'm actually not sad I opened myself up for that chance at something though. It is very painful, but when she last talked to me she was sweet and the person I loved. The anger and insults in this have come at me from someone who wasn't in the relationship and made sweeping statements about what I meant when I said things all the way up to "they said you never really loved me" at the breakup I was head over heels completely in love with her. I thought this was the one level in love. I can't personally can't fathom someone telling me that they hold all the secrets to how someone they've met a handful of times thinks and feels. It's telling, and helps with moving on, that everything was handed to someone else to do the dirty work, and that they took it right down into the dirt part of that. A simple "I've changed my mind" from her would have been message enough.

    All my friends including several exes who know me in a relationship setting told me to take the insults and anger with a grain of sand. And that she never said those things to me. Not to give me hope to get back together, but that it's a third party telling you things not her. And that I didn't deserve nor do anything that would warrant that being how it ended. I still have the confused hurt that comes along with someone suddenly changing on you. In this case an outside someone telling me what I felt and what my motivations were and what my ex felt and wanted to express when she wasn't in the relationship with us.

    I know what I need to do going forward and while I'm hurt and would love to hear why it happened this way I don't feel the need to contact her again. It just sucks someone you cared that deeply about would give hope then have someone else snuff it out.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Using language like that is unnecessary. I agree with you that it was over the top but we don't know what the dynamic of your relationship was and whether it was out of control or spiraling out of control. When loved ones see us suffer they react also and her friend might have been seeing how her friend was suffering due to the relationship. Yes, her reaction and involvement is inappropriate but that is their problem. A person's inability to face challenges or rise above them is not your concern. The concern ends here. It's over.

    When we feel helpless we often wonder 'why me'. No matter how much it hurts or how frustrating it is, go back and review why you thought dating a woman like this was a good idea. If there were serious red flags in the beginning, face them. Process your pain but go back also and process what led up to this. Your job isn't to demonize anyone or retaliate. Your task for your future is to go over your own mistakes and find out how you can avoid the same mistakes or better yourself. If you have traits or behaviours you can improve, do it. Move forward.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Using language like that is unnecessary. I agree with you that it was over the top but we don't know what the dynamic of your relationship was and whether it was out of control or spiraling out of control. When loved ones see us suffer they react also and her friend might have been seeing how her friend was suffering due to the relationship. Yes, her reaction and involvement is inappropriate but that is their problem. A person's inability to face challenges or rise above them is not your concern. The concern ends here. It's over.

    When we feel helpless we often wonder 'why me'. No matter how much it hurts or how frustrating it is, go back and review why you thought dating a woman like this was a good idea. If there were serious red flags in the beginning, face them. Process your pain but go back also and process what led up to this. Your job isn't to demonize anyone or retaliate. Your task for your future is to go over your own mistakes and find out how you can avoid the same mistakes or better yourself. If you have traits or behaviours you can improve, do it. Move forward.
    Thank you for that. This is my thinking too. I needed to vent it and did, but zero desire for retaliation and zero desire for her to hurt. So my contact is done. I have to process my pain and why this hit so hard. I kept false hope and even though opening left it's on me that I felt that way. And why did I want someone who broke up with me first time things got difficult. That's not a good long term trait.

    I did love her and that's something I can use to identify the traits I loved. I can hold my head high and say I was respectful and honored requests. Even if it didn't come from her like you said they might feel protective and I don't want her to hurt. Especially not from an action that has no chance of changing mind and high chance of causing stress or pain. I'm seeing my counselor Friday and we are doing CBT on anxiety and self esteem things so I will bring these up and see where they fit. It's hard. It hurts and it's not an easy road, but feel like I'm on a good road. And have been moving down it. I backslid a bit with this, but not nearly back to where I was. So progress.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Yes, keep your eyes forward and keep that focus on you and your future goals and accomplishments. I'm glad you have the support of a counselor. One day at a time and don't be afraid to explore your emotions and process that pain. It's good to recognize what are and aren't good traits overall. You're developing yourself and your opinions and you'll be stronger for it. Keep on growing and moving forward.

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