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Thread: I made a mistake

  1. #1
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    I made a mistake

    How would an assertive woman behave?

    I met somebody at my course and we really clicked I just cannot explain how. From the way we maintained our conversations I think that there was a great chemistry from both parts. He, a bit shy but confident and I, low confident and not proficient in his language. Now may this be the reason or shyness, I'm not sure, but we never made a move in one year we saw each other at course, to ask out.
    Anyway, he has offered to walk together home sometimes. I just could feel it, there was a feeling I could not explain when I was with him or talked to him. Like I couldnt get enough. But time passed, course ended and I didn't know if there will be a continuation of it. It seems that not. There are 5 months that we havent been in contact with each other and I live 2.5 hours away from him now, but I cant help thinking of him.
    I am not attracted to somebody if I dont picture myself with him growing personally and having a great time. That would be the case. I feel like I lost something important in my life.
    Now back to our last contact, he sent me a congratulations message for my promotion (after course he reached me out for this)and later we exchanged some wishes for christ/new year.
    Now I feel it was my fault I didn't push a bit more or extend the conversation when he reached out. So the last messages are:
    Him: Congrats for promotion!!
    Me: Thank you!
    And some wishes for new year/christmas.
    Pretty cold from my side I see it now. 5 months have passed since then. I see now we are not going to have another part of course so I wont see him where I was hoping. I feel like it was my fault for being reactive instead of proactive that we lost track.
    One one side I think of just texting to ask how he's doing, nothing more and see where it goes, the other part of me is scared as hell to do that, feels worse than public speaking. After 5 months of no contact that would be weird.
    Ps. I have a great life with activities and things and sorrounded by people, but relashionships are an inportant part of that too and I find this one a great opportunity lost. I have never had a proper relashionship just dating and this also scares me as hell, and gives me low confidence on texting him. Would you call this closed or reach out and take the risk of being weird?

    I cannot help thinking about him, in 5 months nothing has changed inside me, I think my feelings for him have grown fonder. And also I cannot go in random dates, I just dont like it if I dont find the attraction I found in him. I am a weirdo, only bei g opened to cases who really matter to me. That was like magic though.
    Thanks!

  2. #2
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    You need to forgive yourself.
    he said Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
    He didn't say "i would love to get together with you"
    You were not cold. You said Thank you and he didn't say anything else.
    He could have sent the same message to other people he went to class with.
    DO you think you imagined you had a stronger connection than you did? He never asked you out the entire time he knew you, right?

  3. #3
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    Maybe your fear of being in a relationship makes you fixate on someone you can't have (not interested, too far away to reasonably date)

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Maybe your fear of being in a relationship makes you fixate on someone you can't have (not interested, too far away to reasonably date)
    I just can't wanna give up on him. I dont know if its the reason you are saying, but I do not fear being in a relashionship. I fear being with somebody that wouldn't be worthy.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by score123
    I just can't wanna give up on him. I dont know if its the reason you are saying, but I do not fear being in a relashionship. I fear being with somebody that wouldn't be worthy.
    I don't see this as a "great opportunity" - he didn't ask you out then or when he was back in touch. So it was an "opportunity". Certainly you can reach out with an excuse -something you read having to do with the course- and ask if he wants to meet for lunch. Then you'll have your answer.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by score123
    I just can't wanna give up on him. I dont know if its the reason you are saying, but I do not fear being in a relashionship. I fear being with somebody that wouldn't be worthy.
    I think you have been building this guy up on a pedestal in the time you have not seen him.

    What does "worthy" mean? There are the obvious dealbreakers that are baseline -- you wouldn't knowingly go out with someone who is on parole, isn't heterosexual (is just going out with you to stop people from talking), is married, lives 5 states away etc. But beyond that, its about going on a date - and if the person is someone you can carry a conversation with, there is some attraction, etc, - you go out on another date. you decide over the course of a few dates if you would like to proceed.

    You can do what Batya suggests and ask to meet him - or better yet open the door of communication and say hello and see how he reacts.
    If you do see him i would just go under the assumption that you are just catching up because you may find at lunch you get deflated and realize your attraction has waned, that he's dating someone, etc. If he is interested in more, he will make it clear. But since he knows how to reach you - i think he would have done so already

  8. #7
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    You didnít make a mistake???

    He has shown no interest in you and you responded accordingly?
    How is that a mistake?

    An assertive woman would respond exactly as you did.


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