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Thread: If he deserve or not a new chance...

  1. #1

    If he deserve or not a new chance...

    6 weeks ago I(F,26) broke up with my boyfriend(M,26) after a 4,5 years relationship.
    I decided to do it because of too many problems which I will detail further. I’ll try to keep is as short as possible.

    From the very beginning the relationship did not start well for me because he had just got out from a long term relationship with another girl and he hadn’t been completely over it, so it was only me to feel the flame. We eventually got over that period and things got to normal.

    During all this time I found myself in a continous struggle with his lack of implication and superficiality.

    1.We kinda had a LDR, as we both study in different cities, so we were seeing eachother every weekend and during holidays in our hometown. I never felt we spent enough time together when that was possible, because he would always fill his time with his group of friends and ignoring time together. I many times felt he put me on the second place and we never had a holiday together(we would only travel with his group of friends). I often felt I was inviting myself at his place, in his city when I was university free. When I was complaining about our problems he was just ignoring and saying I am a crazy woman.
    I always had a “problem” with his ex due to our problems in the beginning, but he never cared about this and few times put myself in awkward and unpleasant situations regarding this matter.

    2.He is a total introvert, the quite type and I never felt I got to knew him enough. He never opened himself in front of me and whenever I tried to do it, he simply acted in rejecting way that made me not try it again. We never used to have deep and meaningful conversations about life, our relationship or our problems. He never shared his personal problems with me, but he used to do it with his friends.

    All in all I always felt something was missing in this relationship and for me it was never enough. I always hoped something would change but it never did.

    Last year I became very categorical about our problems and wanted to break up but he immediately changed his attitude and for weeks he begged me to give another chance. I did it and many things(related to paragraph “1.”) changed in a positive way, we got to spend way more time together, we went in vacantions just the two of us, we were having longer conversations. But I felt like it was still not enough, as our conversations were still superficial and I felt no deep connection with him(the things included paragraph “2” were still missing).

    I again decided to break up as I know that this is a way of being that he won’t change. Last time, before breaking up, when I tried to have a discussion with him about the same problems,
    he was totally ignorant like all the other times, watching tv and not replying, or saying things like “what do you want me to say”, “this is what I am”, “I don’t know” (he always adopted this attitude during our discussions). So I simply could not take that anymore and broke up.

    Since that time he again changed his attitude and he is simply desperate and broken, begging me to give him another chance and he will prove me that he will make a change. I kept myself very cold and decided but all he does is to continue insisting. I blocked him all over and he came after me in my vacantion with mom in another city and repeating that he funny understood our problems and that he was a fool and asking me to forgive and give it another chance.

    I am stuck in this situation and part of me tells me there is no chance of repairing things, but another part tells me that maybe things could be saved and he would changed and I don’t want to miss a chance to happiness.

  2. #2
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    Nothing to be stuck about. You should NEVER expect people to change. Either accept him for who he is, or stay broken up.

    I hope you do not waste another 4.5 years. I hope you also learn from this experience. It should have ended years ago.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It seems to me that there were serious cracks in the relationship from the beginning. Why did you feel insecure about his ex? Did he show to you in any way that he was not over her? For example, did he continue being friendly with her/keep in touch with her, message her or call her or speak/meet up with her? Or did he talk about her all the time? What triggered your issues with his ex? You said you were the only one who felt the "flame" or chemistry. Are you saying that you single-handedly kept the relationship going from the start?

    The reason why I ask and am spending time unpacking this is because when we develop insecurities in a relationship, there's usually a response to those insecurities from the other side. It sounds like he's become numb to you because he senses tension and is interpreting your insecurities as aggression or hostility towards his past. Your resentment is very deep and I'm also sensing that that resentment at the start has tainted all your interactions after that. That bitterness hasn't been resolved because when he slipped back into complacency and took you forgranted later it seemed to resurrect tremendous feelings of resentment that you once had before. I think your feelings are valid no matter how p.o.'d you are or angry.

    This shouldn't have been a relationship from the start and I think you're also angry with yourself for pushing it so far or wanting it so much more than he ever did at the beginning. You'll have to revisit those issues and ask yourself why you wanted it so badly with someone who just wasn't ready to begin with. We all make mistakes. The trick is to recognize them (have that courage) and don't make them again.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Yikes, this relationship should have ended a long time ago. You two were never ever compatible with each other. As already pointed out, you cannot cling to a relationship hoping the other person will change and become who you want them to be. It doesn't work like that.

    Sure he can pretend and appease you for awhile....but....then he will revert to who he is and you'll still be miserable.


    Even IF we entertain the idea that he really is different now, has seen the light, totally transformed....look at the pattern of your relationship. You are not happy. You communicate that to him. He ignores you until you dump him. Then he jumps in with a fix. Rinse and repeat. So what happens if you get married? Divorce and remarry every couple of years so he learns to put down the toilet seat, pick up the kids from daycare on time, etc. What exactly would you be signing up for here?

    You made the right choice. Shut the door, bolt it tight and tell him to leave you alone and move on. There is a guy out there for you, but this one isn't it and never was. Don't waste another 4.5 years or even one more week on this.

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  6. #5
    In the beginning(first months)he had a strange behaviour like avoiding meetings with me, being silent and not implied at all in the relationship, but still keeping a contact enough so I won’t leave. I wanted to break up with but he insisted to go on and he changed his attitude for the better after.

    In time, after one year I accidentally found out that he would actually still meet his ex and cry over her at the beginning of our relationship, so all the confusion from that time was explained to me.

    During our discussions he never admited or fully opened up to me about that beginning. That frustrated me and I never was 100% sure about his feelings, although things seemed to go on well.

    Still, along the years we had few conflicts related to his ex, like: he chose to dance with a group of people which also included his ex,during a party, while I was sitting and watching. I freaked out.. Also he became best friend with a guy who is the boyfriend of his ex’s best friend(Me+Him-> this guy+his gf->my bf’s ex). So I was “forced” to have a kind of friendship with this girl too although I never was comfortable because I knew she was very close with the ex. We had many discussions but he never gave up that friendship.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Bluemoon17
    In the beginning(first months)he had a strange behaviour like avoiding meetings with me, being silent and not implied at all in the relationship, but still keeping a contact enough so I won’t leave. I wanted to break up with but he insisted to go on and he changed his attitude for the better after.

    In time, after one year I accidentally found out that he would actually still meet his ex and cry over her at the beginning of our relationship, so all the confusion from that time was explained to me.

    During our discussions he never admited or fully opened up to me about that beginning. That frustrated me and I never was 100% sure about his feelings, although things seemed to go on well.

    Still, along the years we had few conflicts related to his ex, like: he chose to dance with a group of people which also included his ex,during a party, while I was sitting and watching. I freaked out.. Also he became best friend with a guy who is the boyfriend of his ex’s best friend(Me+Him-> this guy+his gf->my bf’s ex). So I was “forced” to have a kind of friendship with this girl too although I never was comfortable because I knew she was very close with the ex. We had many discussions but he never gave up that friendship.
    This guy is not a good catch! There's a silver lining in all this: he's gone. I'd strongly urge you to keep him gone.

    You might not like this but now's a good time to take a good, hard look at why you're attracted to emotionally unavailable men. This is not a good scene for you and you're creating trouble for yourself that could have been avoided and can still be avoided. If you are not happy about yourself or if you are attracted more to the attention of what someone might have been able to give you (illusions), ask yourself why. You're not recognizing that this person is an unhealthy choice. Keep asking yourself why you can't see this clearly and why you keep thinking that there is any option at all. There is no viable option. He is not an option.

  8. #7
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    Why did it take you breaking up for him to suddenly decide he should "change"?

  9. 05-21-2019, 08:00 PM

  10. #8
    I don’t know, maybe because he doesn’t want to lose me now and he realises he made mistakes during our relationship.”

  11. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Bluemoon17
    I don’t know, maybe because he doesn’t want to lose me now and he realises he made mistakes during our relationship.”
    That's just your ego talking and the trouble with that is that it's not reality and it keeps you stuck in bad relationships with wrong people.

  12. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    No matter how often you tell him you want to break up or how often he "changes", you are just not that into him. Let go of this security blanket and start experiencing life more, dating more and finding out more about who you are and what you want.

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