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Overthinking to the point where I doubt my love for my girlfriend


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Hey guys. I’m gonna give you a lot of detail to make sure you understand the situation I’m in.

 

I had my first girlfriend in high school and was headband over heels for her. However, this was a one sided relationship. I was very open with her and told her how much I loved her everyday but never heard the words muttered back to me. She told me she couldn’t communicate it but felt it and showed through actions. Anyways, before we went to college she dumped me and told me the classic “I love you but I’m not in love with you” line. This destroyed me. I was very very upset for a long time and did not handle it well...my heart was broken.

 

Fast forward to college, sophomore year, I meet this girl and we instantly click. Nothing I’ve ever experienced before. We have great sex, always want to be with each other, and just want to make each other happy. It’s a great thing we have going. About a month in, I feel it in my heart that I’m in love with her. However, I did not tell her because I wasn’t sure how she felt and it was early. I kept this feeling in for a while. Summer is approaching and she goes back home for a week as do I. I fight off tears while she gets off the train, already thinking about when I’m going to see her next. I go home later that night and count the days. About mid week I start overthinking whether i really love her or not. This is where my problem begins. I start overthinking, and my heart feels cold. I have no clue why. I want to love her. I want to be with her. I don’t want anyone else.

 

She comes over to my house and spends the weekend with my family and I. We have a great time. Until I open up to her about how I’m feeling. Now she is upset but I told her that it’s me and that there had to be a reason I’m pushing her away. We talk about this a few times because I want to be honest with her. Everyday I feel anxious now, right chest, dull heartbeat.

 

I take her back to her house about an hour away and she asks me to come in. Go in. We have real intimate sex. This sex sparks that feeling in my heart again and I feel like I did when everything was fine. I love her. I tell her that but breakdown and cry while I hold her in my arms. I want this feeling to last forever. Why does this feeling fade at some points when I’m not with her? Why??? Is there a wall up? Am I overthinking and making my doubts a reality? Stressing myself out?

 

Thank you.

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I think you're overstressing and overthinking to your detriment. Not good at all. When we invite stress in, we raise our cortisol levels and this isn't healthy as it lasts in our system for days. You're way too over the top, my man. The past is in the past. Let that go.

 

You are also reacting to a number of familiar and unfamiliar feelings and emotions for a new person. Just ride the wave and don't nitpick. Pull yourself together and chill out. Stop creating problems when there aren't any at all and stop pressuring yourself to decide whether you love her. Cut out that anxiety big time because it will begin to spread and run your life if you don't learn how to manage your worries and develop more positive ways of thinking/processing.

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Just enjoy the time together. It seems that you are in some sort of race. And, you don't know, as you are questioning things. I still say it is too early.

 

I do think you may need to address some trust isssues though. Check out baggagereclaim.com

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honestly youre not alone. many people have a bigger heart than others and love the feeling of being attached. If you really want to pour your heart to her and tell her how much you really Love her then wait a couple months. dont move too fast but dont move too slow either. just enjoy it. dont feel anxious. keep holding her tightly so she knows. People who say i love you too fast tend to rush things.

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You're absolutely right that when you "click" you "know."

 

But what is it, really, that you know? Well, you know there's a click—a little buzz. What it means, where it's going—well, that you don't know because a "click" is not a stand-in for someone's personality or how compatible you are with them.

 

Time knows all that, and the only way to find those answers is to learn how to trust time, to surrender to it, which we do by being present instead of what you're doing, which is straddling the present with one foot in the past and another in the future. You're missing the sweetness of what is, because you're spinning around about what was or what might be.

 

Inhale, exhale.

 

All the thoughts and feelings you're having—totally normal. The trick is to just know that, to accept them, and to accept that they're going to come and go, and change shape. Learn to observe them, rather than react to them, and you'll find something miraculous happens: you free up space to actually get to know the person in front of you, rather than obsessing about your own feelings so much that she just becomes a mirror—something you like staring at when it makes you feel "good," something that freaks you out when you feel "bad."

 

The "click"? It's like a door cracking open. Seeing what's through the door takes time. What you're describing as "love" right now, while genuine, is the shallowest form of love—it's loving how you feel, at least when you feel it, the emotional equivalent of an orgasm, which is why, well, we often feel it during and after orgasms. Cherish that, but keep leaning into it, slowly. If you can do that you'll find there is something deeper and more rewarding.

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As someone who has made his own share of very bad decisions when over anxious or over emotional the best advice I know these emotions can cloud one's thinking and we do not always make the right decisions,(I know I did not) So my advice is wait for your emotions to calm dowm then think what you are going to do or not do with a clear mind.

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You talk about how she spends weekends with your family?

You’ve only been dating for max 4 weekends!? She shouldn’t have met your family yet?

 

You aren’t in love with her yet? How can you possibly be? You barely know her!

 

Geez man, people date with the reason to get to know someone and only after roughly 3 months do they introduce them to their personal life , family and friends but friends first usually.

And only after that do they really consider if this is someone they want a relationship with?

 

Makes me wonder how long your first “relationship “ lasted?

 

If you actually want a relationship with anyone , at least get the time to know someone before putting pressure or false hopes into it by involving family? What???

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@Billie28 it sounds crazy I know. But she’s different. My first relationship lasted a little more than a year. The crazy thing is that I did not introduce her because it was a false hope last call. I wanted to introduce her because of how strongly I feel about her.

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I would take in a deep breath and sort out these feelings. It sounds to me it’s more lust and you’re trying to rush the feeling of love. I don’t doubt your deep connection and wanting her fully. It’s just you mention whenever you have sex the same feelings come back and to me that’s lust and infatuation.

 

Timing will tell if it’s love.

 

Enjoy the ride and don’t over analyze that’s when great expectations kick in and if you crash you don’t want to crash hard.

 

I say go slower.

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@Billie28 it sounds crazy I know. But she’s different. My first relationship lasted a little more than a year. The crazy thing is that I did not introduce her because it was a false hope last call. I wanted to introduce her because of how strongly I feel about her.

 

You might feel differently about her, that doesn’t change the fact that people still need time to get to know each other. Perhaps your reaction is related to you pushing this forward more quickly then you should.

 

I get the feelings, believe me I do... I’ve totally been there and “knew” it was right...however it’s important that you don’t confuse this honeymoon period with what things will be like in the future. The crazy intense feelings ALWAYS fade and that’s when you know how you really feel about them.

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Please don't confuse lust with love. What you are feeling, that click, that thing, that special something is just raging hormones. Yes, it's very much a palpable high, it feels amazing, it feels special, it makes you smile, you can't keep your hands off each other....BUT you do need to understand that this "high" is just all hormones and that in a few months, it will start to settle down. Unfortunately, that's where many people who are emotionally unhealthy people bail out of the relationship. When the high starts normalizing, they think they have fallen out of love and they go off chasing the next high.

 

You kind of experienced a mini version of that when you both left for home. When you were together constantly, the high was there. Once separated, the hormones started to settle down, and you suddenly started to think with your big upper head that maybe this isn't love.....well...yeah.....it's lust but you've got ways to go before it turns into real love. So chill out and get a grip on the wild emotions. Enjoy the good parts, but breathe and give yourself some space to still have a life and to get to know each other and see how things go. Emotions and hormones can be fun, but you do need to temper that with some self control and restraint and just plain sensibility.

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Please don't confuse lust with love. What you are feeling, that click, that thing, that special something is just raging hormones. Yes, it's very much a palpable high, it feels amazing, it feels special, it makes you smile, you can't keep your hands off each other....BUT you do need to understand that this "high" is just all hormones and that in a few months, it will start to settle down. Unfortunately, that's where many people who are emotionally unhealthy people bail out of the relationship. When the high starts normalizing, they think they have fallen out of love and they go off chasing the next high.

 

You kind of experienced a mini version of that when you both left for home. When you were together constantly, the high was there. Once separated, the hormones started to settle down, and you suddenly started to think with your big upper head that maybe this isn't love.....well...yeah.....it's lust but you've got ways to go before it turns into real love. So chill out and get a grip on the wild emotions. Enjoy the good parts, but breathe and give yourself some space to still have a life and to get to know each other and see how things go. Emotions and hormones can be fun, but you do need to temper that with some self control and restraint and just plain sensibility.

 

I have to agree with this. OP, it's very telling that in describing your current relationship, the first thing you say is that you "have great sex."

 

I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm glad you have great sex with your partner because that's important. But that in conjunction with how you didn't feel comfortable telling her you loved her, until directly after having sex one day, makes me think that you are indeed confusing love and lust as Dancing Fool mentioned.

 

I'm not here to judge..after all you are young and I remember those days myself. I would advise slowing things down a notch, especially since you have only been dating this girl for a month. It's also worth suggesting that you might still be hurting from your ex's inability to say those magic words to you.

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@Billie28 it sounds crazy I know. But she’s different. My first relationship lasted a little more than a year. The crazy thing is that I did not introduce her because it was a false hope last call. I wanted to introduce her because of how strongly I feel about her.

 

How can you in one post talk about how you are not sure about your feelings, and then in the next post say that you "wanted to introduce her because of how strongly I feel about her."

 

The reason you might want to wait to rush things and integrate your life with someone at the beginning isn't always to wait and see if you like someone. It is to see whether you STILL like someone after the new relationship glow fades.

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Until I open up to her about how I’m feeling. Now she is upset but I told her that it’s me and that there had to be a reason I’m pushing her away.

 

Wait, you told her you love her, or you have doubts about her?

 

You're drilling yourself into a hole to climb out of, and you laid that on her?

 

You've created a problem that didn't need to exist. Now she's self conscious when she didn't need to be, and your lack of patience and your extreme overthinking has put a weight on what's supposed to be a fun time of exploration--NOT THERAPY.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Lol. You know what's going on by the way you write this. You're just looking for verification.

 

That first girl told you the line, and you automatically told the other girl the line because it was embedded in your subconscious.

 

Also you didn't think you would see her again so you started preparing yourself for the worst.

 

I do that too. But I weigh the losses.

 

Also you're having sex with this chick. So you're not leaving her while you're together.

 

Just watch some dispell negative subconscious hypnosis on YouTube and get that last girl out of your head forever.

 

She was upset when you told her you didn't feel in love with her so this is a totally reciprocal relationship. And you are actually Responsible to keep her happy because she's totally putting out in hopes of keeping you.

 

You've got her precious little beating heart in your hands.

 

Now it is very important that you explain that your subconscious was ed up by this other girl and tell her you're never going to release her from your heart again unless some life or death circumstance is happening. Unless youre actually willing to die for her.

 

Don't worry. Planning isn't bad, and waiting is like death. I know if I ever stopped talking to my girl I would totally just move on. So don't feel bad if you do move on after not having sex with her all the time. But just know that that planning and anticipating is natural and next time you catch yourself planning to leave, just weigh the loses of waiting versus losing her.

 

There might come a point where the waiting will out weigh the losing if you're endurance and commitment is lower than marriage.

 

Also a sex Only relationship can deplete your level of commitment. So you've got to make actually make plans with her.

 

Practice making plans with her that she's depending on you to fulfill your part. Like plan a intricate date or road trip with her and stick to the plan unless she makes a change. Cause chicks like making changes just to test if you'll dance along. It's cute.

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