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Thread: Ex Boyfriend moved on so quickly.

  1. #1

    Ex Boyfriend moved on so quickly.

    Hey Everybody,

    I am a little confused and need some clarity really , I am in my 40's and so is my ex Boyfriend , we both have kids from previous relationships. Back at the end of January he basically said after nearly 2 years and him being very loving through the whole relationship ended saying "he loved me but was not in love with me anymore". I was hurt understandably but he was sobbing and actually had to get off the phone as he was so upset!.
    Anyway we met mid-end of Feb for me to collect my stuff and again he was very sad wanted a hug, said he wouldn't want to date ect , I was actually pretty strong and put my face on and smiled and looked hot !!!(not that that should matter).
    So we parted and the next weekend I walked into a pub and saw him with a girl who looked exactly like me , same style , same hair cut , height , build ect.Anyway I didn't make a scene I just left and then text him to say I had left and that I was hurt and upset he apologised but didn't give much away , when I said I was so replaceable he responded with that is just not true.
    Anyway blocking was done and everything posted back to him and vice versa, we have had the odd contact but nothing for 7 weeks now and then my best friend who knows him and we have been out with her and her husband bumped into him. He was with the girl who my friend actually thought was me and she said I was literally going to text you to say why have you not told me!!. Anyway he saw her and didnt say hello and just ran off with blonde girl. Then the next day posted on FB that he was in a relationship since Feb and a picture of the 2 of them.
    I am so confused its strange as I don't want him back as such but I am so angry and hurt he was meant to love me and clearly he didnt !. How do i move on?!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately all his guilty tears seem to suggest he didn't move on quickly but rather ended things due to this relationship which very likely began before the breakup.

    In retrospect what did you notice toward the end?
    Originally Posted by moomin12345
    posted on FB that he was in a relationship since Feb and a picture of the 2 of them.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    These moments always suck, and I'm sorry about the hurt.

    That said, none of this stuff really changes anything, you know? He told you he'd lost feelings and ended things—crushing, yes, but also honest and respectful. Once a relationship is over it is, well, over. People end up dating other people—always, every time.

    Whether it's six hours later or six years doesn't really matter, and isn't a verdict on anything. The value of the time you shared is measured not in how people mourn and move forward but in what you shared when you were together—the good, the bad, the places of connection, the places of disconnection. Mourn all that the way you need to, not in worrying about the choices he's making.

  4. #4
    Hey , I am ok about it but I am struggling in a sense of that I can't process it as his actions don't go with what he says and vice versa , Oh he also wanted to stay in contact until I saw him with the other girl!.
    I don't think he was seeing her before , he actually said he fell out of love with me in the week before then said10 days !!!..... this is the man that told me everyday love you and said he had never loved anyone like me.
    To be fair I never asked for him back or begged or contacted him. Just feel so worthless like I was worth nothing.

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  6. #5
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    After 2 years he ended it in a phone call? Not face to face?
    Sounds like a guilty person to me?
    I don’t think he moved on too quickly , I think she was there before he left you?
    But said all the “right” things to you to ease his guilty conscience?

    Either way , not great for you.
    I’m glad you kept your dignity intact.

    Just because he didn’t appreciate you, doesn’t make you worthless.
    He sounds very cowardly to me. So why would his opinion matter to you?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Good riddance. Thank your lucky stars he's gone. This is not the man for you. It's also none of your business what he does with his life from now onwards and I wouldn't overanalyze what his new girlfriend looks like nor speculate on timelines. If it looks like a joke, it probably is.

    I know you feel slighted and a bit jilted at the moment and that's normal. Take it easy and remember to get back to yourself.

    This intermediary period or bridge between being told it's over and really actually understanding without a doubt it is completely over can be tricky and some people never make that complete leap. Do it and move on. There's more to life than wondering what someone else from your past is doing and wasting your time over a man who isn't in love with you.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    You need to take him off the pedestal. He sounds like a guy who has no spine (hence the cowardly phone exit) who cannot stand being on his own. His moving on quickly has nothing to do with your worth. He is just one of these individuals who cannot stand being single. He is too weak for that. In addition, he probably started thinking about breaking up a while before telling you so he had a head start in terms of detaching from your relationship. He also definitely sucked at communication since it sounds like he never openly discussed what bothered him. Overall, you lost no prize and he is definitely nobody credible enough so you should not base your worth on his cowardly behaviour.

    You definitely need to stop keeping tabs on him and stop thinking that his choices are somehow still connected to you. It may be that he likes blondes. Chances are that some of his exes before you were also similar in looks to you. Your brain is seeing connections that are not there. In reality, what he does is not about you in any way, which is why it's best if you try to keep away from information regarding his whereabouts from now on. New information is irrelevant and liable to needlessly delay your healing.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    OP, lots of people have a particular type they are attracted to and some people have a very very strong type preference, so it's really not surprising, abnormal, or even special that the next woman he got involved with looks very similar to you. I'd bet that the next one after is liable to be similar as well. That's just his preference, but it actually has nothing to do with you as such. In other words don't try to read something into this woman and you looking very similar. That's just his taste in women.

    As for him moving on quickly. Again, the person who chooses to end the relationship usually has been checking out for awhile. In terms of healing and moving on, they are miles ahead of you. Do yourself a huge favor and don't try to attach some deeper meaning to that. Yes, I know I know he told you.....well....people lie, especially when they are dumping you and trying to cushion the blow. No sane person just suddenly ends a long term relationship without some serious thinking and dealing with their fading feelings, what have you. It's not a sudden decision and usually takes quite a bit of time for them to arrive at a point where they do pull the plug on things.

    Since the dumper is invariably checked out emotionally long before ending the relationship, the fact that they can and do move on quickly is normal. I don't think it's very healthy to immediately assume or speculate that they necessarily were cheating or dumped you for someone else. That is often far from the truth and highly harmful to the dumpee and their self worth. They are already dealing with the break up and all the pain that comes with that. Why add on that kind nasty speculations? Yes, people do meet others and if they are ready to go on a date, they can. For the dumpee, emotions are raw, for the dumper, emotions are long gone.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by moomin12345
    I don't think he was seeing her before , he actually said he fell out of love with me in the week before then said10 days !!!..... this is the man that told me everyday love you and said he had never loved anyone like me.
    I don't mean to sound insensitive, but I don't buy that. I think he told you that because he knew it wouldn't sound as bad as the truth, which is that he'd been detaching for some time before he actually left.

    For what it's worth, I think it's very likely she was on his radar before he ended it with you. The timing and his behaviour surrounding the break-up certainly is suspect. The crying and desire to stay in touch were likely his guilty conscience speaking, as was him running away when your friend spotted them together. Her looking similar to you also doesn't really mean much. As the others here have pointed out, we're often attracted to the same "type" so it's actually not surprising you share some physical features with her. It's what he's attracted to.

    The point is that I do believe he was being honest that his feelings for you had changed to the extent that he could not continue the relationship. Whether or not he broke up with you for her isn't particularly important, though. If his feelings were already that flimsy, this relationship almost certainly was headed for a break-up at some point regardless. I know it's a cold splash to the face now, but in time, you will see that your worth isn't measured by his opinion.

  11. #10
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    He didn’t move on quickly, he moved on while you were with him.

    I’ve been cheated on and I’m a member of several affair recovery groups. A post was made regarding the line “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”.....Most members (100’s) who were dumped due to an exit affair were told this line. It must be on page one, chapter one of the cheaters hand book.

    Be thankful you aren’t with this man anymore or were married to him. Another pole on one of these sites indicated that the old saying “once a cheater always a cheater” is very true. 80+% of members who stayed with their cheating partner were betrayed again.... in my case over 10 times, that I know about.

    You dodged a bullet in this situation.... Be happy and find a genuine guy who treats you with the respect you deserve.

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