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Thread: An ex

  1. #1
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    An ex

    Hi, I am looking for some advice in my current relationship.
    I fell in love with a girl I met just over a year ago online.
    We grew close, met up and clicked.
    It was a distance relationship and we struggled for a while,
    To cut a long story short I decided to quit my job, move to be close to her and give it a go.
    I have a place in the same village as her and I stay at hers some nights and vice versa
    Last month when I stayed at hers one night, watching TV in bed I was dozing off next to her and I noticed her keep looking at her phone and messaging, she thought I was asleep.
    I asked her who she was talking too and she went quiet and turned around and ignored my question
    I did eventually get her to admit it was her ex,
    I asked her if she thought it was right to do that with me there?
    She says nothing is going on and to trust her, i think it's out of order.
    I would love some feedback so I can get my head around this and to get another external perspective

  2. #2
    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    Well let's look at the facts. She is still in contact with an ex, she didn't want you to know she was, and she's asking you to trust that it's nothing. But if it's nothing, why didn't she just tell you when you asked? Some people do remain friends with exes and I'm personally a believer in letting others have their privacy when it comes to their phone, but that's just me.

    The particular way this went down seems shady, though. You can't ask someone to just trust you when you were making it obvious you're trying to hide it. In this situation, if it's nothing, she should at least show you the texts. If it just seems like friendly chatter then the rest is up to you. Are you okay with her being friends with an ex? Do you trust her? These are the questions you'll have to answer for yourself and decide how to proceed from there.

    She sure didn't make it seem like "nothing" though, did she?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How long after they broke up did you start dating? Do they have kids? Does she claim they are friends/best friends? Depending on these factors it could mean she just stays in touch or she's still hung up.

    However do not get into a control struggle over this telling her who she can/can't communicate or be friends with. Unfortunately you over-invested in this without really knowing her. Why not just observe and possibly arrange to move back to your area and job.
    Originally Posted by Confused1844
    a girl I met just over a year ago online.
    I decided to quit my job, move to be close to her and give it a go.
    I noticed her keep looking at her phone and messaging
    I did eventually get her to admit it was her ex

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    Hi, I knew she was still in contact with him but she says it was months since they spoke, it was 1 30 in the morning and I was a little upset
    She says she is friends with him and I must trust her as her ex husband was insecure and went through
    Her phone
    She agreed to tell me when he texted and I asked her not to talk late at night or about personal stuff
    Unfortunately I have recently found out after we had an argument one night, about him lol, I went home angry and she messaged him upset saying she wished she could see him again, she said it was just as a friend, but wouldn't because it would upset me
    I have never been a jealous type guy but this makes me so suspicious,
    She swears she loves me, only me and wants to be with me forever and doesn't want him, she says he is damaged and needs a friend
    I feel like an insecure guy if I tell her to cut contact but it is really messing with my head

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    They split up summer 17, together about 6 months, he actually proposed to her
    No kids but we split up last October when we argued over the distance thing and she slept with him, I slept with a couple of women too,
    I just think she has an emotional tie to him that she won't acknowledge, when he doesn't appear in our life everything is perfect
    I appreciate all the advice so far
    Last edited by Confused1844; 05-21-2019 at 09:27 AM.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    That's why I don't believe in relationships that start as LDRs. If she was local, you could've found out this info far sooner. Now, you've uprooted your life and it'll be worse than a local break up, because you will have to make another move to go back home.

    Please learn from this lesson that when you are thinking of becoming exclusive with someone, that you have to discuss relationship boundaries and see if they match.
    You two aren't compatible in that area. She cares more about texting her "damaged" ex, putting emotional energy into that activity, even if it upsets you. Sounds like that might've been the reason for her 1st marriage ending as well.

    You're not normally a jealous person, so you're not being paranoid. Find a woman who shares your boundaries. That's one of the major elements needed for relationship happiness.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately it sounds like she is still very much attached to him. Regardless of her reassurances, watch her actions.
    Originally Posted by Confused1844
    Unfortunately I have recently found out after we had an argument one night, about him lol, I went home angry and she messaged him upset saying she wished she could see him again, she said it was just as a friend.

    we split up last October when we argued over the distance thing and she slept with him

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    When did you first physically meet her?
    And how soon after first chatting to her did you move to her area?

  10. #9
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    We met in Feb 18 and I moved in March 18, a short time I know but I honestly love her and I don't want to end it but it's driving me mad even though she assures me she would never do anything but having these emotional chats with him isn't doing our relationship any good

  11. #10
    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Confused1844
    She says she is friends with him and I must trust her as her ex husband was insecure and went through Her phone
    So previous partners of hers have been given reason to be suspicious of her phone activity as well? You think the ex-husband was just insecure or you think he was going through something similar to what you are?

    Not once was I ever suspicious of my last gf's phone activity. If I wondered who she was talking to, she told me. Sometimes she showed me conversations that, honestly, I couldn't have cared less about, but she thought were hilarious. It actually made me not care at all who she was talking to or what about because most of the time it was stuff I didn't care about. But the main point is that she never gave me a single reason to doubt her or be concerned about it, whereas this phone privacy issue is apparently a pattern with your girl.

    You really think it's just that she attracts insecure guys with trust issues? Do you believe you fall under that category?

    Trust your gut here, man. She's still too connected to him.

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