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Hi, I am looking for some advice in my current relationship.

I fell in love with a girl I met just over a year ago online.

We grew close, met up and clicked.

It was a distance relationship and we struggled for a while,

To cut a long story short I decided to quit my job, move to be close to her and give it a go.

I have a place in the same village as her and I stay at hers some nights and vice versa

Last month when I stayed at hers one night, watching TV in bed I was dozing off next to her and I noticed her keep looking at her phone and messaging, she thought I was asleep.

I asked her who she was talking too and she went quiet and turned around and ignored my question

I did eventually get her to admit it was her ex,

I asked her if she thought it was right to do that with me there?

She says nothing is going on and to trust her, i think it's out of order.

I would love some feedback so I can get my head around this and to get another external perspective

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Well let's look at the facts. She is still in contact with an ex, she didn't want you to know she was, and she's asking you to trust that it's nothing. But if it's nothing, why didn't she just tell you when you asked? Some people do remain friends with exes and I'm personally a believer in letting others have their privacy when it comes to their phone, but that's just me.

 

The particular way this went down seems shady, though. You can't ask someone to just trust you when you were making it obvious you're trying to hide it. In this situation, if it's nothing, she should at least show you the texts. If it just seems like friendly chatter then the rest is up to you. Are you okay with her being friends with an ex? Do you trust her? These are the questions you'll have to answer for yourself and decide how to proceed from there.

 

She sure didn't make it seem like "nothing" though, did she?

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How long after they broke up did you start dating? Do they have kids? Does she claim they are friends/best friends? Depending on these factors it could mean she just stays in touch or she's still hung up.

 

However do not get into a control struggle over this telling her who she can/can't communicate or be friends with. Unfortunately you over-invested in this without really knowing her. Why not just observe and possibly arrange to move back to your area and job.

a girl I met just over a year ago online.

I decided to quit my job, move to be close to her and give it a go.

I noticed her keep looking at her phone and messaging

I did eventually get her to admit it was her ex

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Hi, I knew she was still in contact with him but she says it was months since they spoke, it was 1 30 in the morning and I was a little upset

She says she is friends with him and I must trust her as her ex husband was insecure and went through

Her phone

She agreed to tell me when he texted and I asked her not to talk late at night or about personal stuff

Unfortunately I have recently found out after we had an argument one night, about him lol, I went home angry and she messaged him upset saying she wished she could see him again, she said it was just as a friend, but wouldn't because it would upset me

I have never been a jealous type guy but this makes me so suspicious,

She swears she loves me, only me and wants to be with me forever and doesn't want him, she says he is damaged and needs a friend

I feel like an insecure guy if I tell her to cut contact but it is really messing with my head

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They split up summer 17, together about 6 months, he actually proposed to her

No kids but we split up last October when we argued over the distance thing and she slept with him, I slept with a couple of women too,

I just think she has an emotional tie to him that she won't acknowledge, when he doesn't appear in our life everything is perfect

I appreciate all the advice so far

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That's why I don't believe in relationships that start as LDRs. If she was local, you could've found out this info far sooner. Now, you've uprooted your life and it'll be worse than a local break up, because you will have to make another move to go back home.

 

Please learn from this lesson that when you are thinking of becoming exclusive with someone, that you have to discuss relationship boundaries and see if they match.

You two aren't compatible in that area. She cares more about texting her "damaged" ex, putting emotional energy into that activity, even if it upsets you. Sounds like that might've been the reason for her 1st marriage ending as well.

 

You're not normally a jealous person, so you're not being paranoid. Find a woman who shares your boundaries. That's one of the major elements needed for relationship happiness.

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Unfortunately it sounds like she is still very much attached to him. Regardless of her reassurances, watch her actions.

Unfortunately I have recently found out after we had an argument one night, about him lol, I went home angry and she messaged him upset saying she wished she could see him again, she said it was just as a friend.

 

we split up last October when we argued over the distance thing and she slept with him

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We met in Feb 18 and I moved in March 18, a short time I know but I honestly love her and I don't want to end it but it's driving me mad even though she assures me she would never do anything but having these emotional chats with him isn't doing our relationship any good

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She says she is friends with him and I must trust her as her ex husband was insecure and went through Her phone

 

So previous partners of hers have been given reason to be suspicious of her phone activity as well? You think the ex-husband was just insecure or you think he was going through something similar to what you are?

 

Not once was I ever suspicious of my last gf's phone activity. If I wondered who she was talking to, she told me. Sometimes she showed me conversations that, honestly, I couldn't have cared less about, but she thought were hilarious. It actually made me not care at all who she was talking to or what about because most of the time it was stuff I didn't care about. But the main point is that she never gave me a single reason to doubt her or be concerned about it, whereas this phone privacy issue is apparently a pattern with your girl.

 

You really think it's just that she attracts insecure guys with trust issues? Do you believe you fall under that category?

 

Trust your gut here, man. She's still too connected to him.

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We met in Feb 18 and I moved in March 18, a short time I know but I honestly love her and I don't want to end it but it's driving me mad even though she assures me she would never do anything but having these emotional chats with him isn't doing our relationship any good

 

So you moved how far after only chatting 4 weeks?

Was she actually ok with this??!

Because no sane person would be!?

Had you even met her before you moved?

 

Perhaps she feels a sense of obligation to make it work with you because you moved but really ??

You split up in October because of the “distance thing” but there’s was no distance?

And she split up with an ex that she dated for a mere 6 months?

Did she accept his proposal?

 

Your timelines don’t add up.

Are you trolling?????

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We met in Feb 18 and I moved in March 18, a short time I know but I honestly love her and I don't want to end it but it's driving me mad even though she assures me she would never do anything but having these emotional chats with him isn't doing our relationship any good

Am I being taken for a mug or shall I just stay silent?

She did say she would cut ties with him if it meant losing me but she said that reminds her of her controlling abusive ex husband and I don't want to be that guy

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Hi, I am looking for some advice in my current relationship.

I fell in love with a girl I met just over a year ago online.

We grew close, met up and clicked.

It was a distance relationship and we struggled for a while,

To cut a long story short I decided to quit my job, move to be close to her and give it a go.

I have a place in the same village as her and I stay at hers some nights and vice versa

Last month when I stayed at hers one night, watching TV in bed I was dozing off next to her and I noticed her keep looking at her phone and messaging, she thought I was asleep.

I asked her who she was talking too and she went quiet and turned around and ignored my question

I did eventually get her to admit it was her ex,

I asked her if she thought it was right to do that with me there?

She says nothing is going on and to trust her, i think it's out of order.

I would love some feedback so I can get my head around this and to get another external perspective

 

How is this part not a big red flag? Especially given you already knew she kept in touch with him. What did she feel she needed to hide?

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No, I meant we met Feb 18 and I moved March 19

I think she still had an emotional connection that she won't let go of, I really do think she loves me but I sometimes feel she doesn't want to let him go incase we don't work out, he's her safety net but she says she will never get back together with him.

I just don't want to throw away our relationship, I was trying get a feeling of how other people feel about texting ex's

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No, I meant we met Feb 18 and I moved March 19

I think she still had an emotional connection that she won't let go of, I really do think she loves me but I sometimes feel she doesn't want to let him go incase we don't work out, he's her safety net but she says she will never get back together with him.

I just don't want to throw away our relationship, I was trying get a feeling of how other people feel about texting ex's

 

The timelines are still not clear!

When did you first physically meet?

How often did you meet after that before moving?

Whose idea was it?

If she loves you she doesn’t need a safety net.

Love is a risk and we jump in with no guarantee that the risk will have good return.

A safety net should be friends and family. Not an ex.

 

No, she should not be in touch with an insignificant ex.

Only an ex if she had a child with and for that purpose only.

His proposal was clearly a joke ! He didn’t even know her. Mind you , you don’t know her that well either.

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We first physically met in Feb 18, we met up every month, she came to mine, I went to hers, we met half way and stayed together, we got closer

When we are together we have an amazing time, she asked if I would consider moving as she is a mature student at uni and has kids, we discussed it for months and decided to go for it

It seems to be this issue with this ex keeps rearing it's head and we argue.

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We first physically met in Feb 18, we met up every month, she came to mine, I went to hers, we met half way and stayed together, we got closer

When we are together we have an amazing time, she asked if I would consider moving as she is a mature student at uni and has kids, we discussed it for months and decided to go for it

It seems to be this issue with this ex keeps rearing it's head and we argue.

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Her and her ex had their time, but it seems clear to me that you guys aren't going to get yours if she cannot fully let him go. If everything is amazing except for one thing, then it's time for her to put that one thing FULLY in the past. Right now she's on a road where she lets an already failed relationship kill one that would otherwise be thriving. Have you looked at it that way? It is not controlling to want your full, fair chance at things.

 

How you proceed with your relationship is your call and yours alone, but you came looking for advice for a reason.

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We met in Feb 18 and I moved in March 18, a short time I know but I honestly love her and I don't want to end it but it's driving me mad even though she assures me she would never do anything but having these emotional chats with him isn't doing our relationship any good

 

That is crazy. You didn't even know her.

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She is still in love with her ex. You are a rebound. She is emotionally cheating on you.

 

Be more wise for the next time. Get to know people before making such a dramatic move. Meeting someone once is certainly not sufficient. Six months would have been a starting point.

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