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Thread: Help Was I Taken Advantage Of

  1. #1

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    Help Was I Taken Advantage Of

    I suffer from crippling depression and was experiencing an extreme depressive episode a couple days ago. My friend who is aware of my situation called me and somehow convinced me to go to a party. In the past I have had issues with drinking as compensation for happiness. At this party I felt terrible I wanted to leave immediately. Instead, I drank heavily. I took shot after shot and hit any pen I could find. Last thing I remember was sitting on a couch next to girl I had somewhat known previously with my leg on top of my guy friend who was sitting below me. I was in a haze, next thing I remember my guy friend was on top of me. He was tipsy and slightly crossed. I blacked out I remember almost nothing until i felt him kissing me and groping my butt and boobs. He pulled my arm and asked to go to a room. I vaguely remember saying no and him continuing to pull me to a room. Later when I was more sober, my friends at the party showed me pictures and videos they had taken of the whole situation. I heard myself sayin "No james I can't I can't" and him repeatedly kissing me while saying, "it turns me on when you say my name." He would also stop for some time when I said I can't and the eventually go back in. Other pictures displayed me with my eyes closed while he was sucking my chest. However in most videos I kissed him back. Is kissing him back consent? I told him I couldn't hook up with him but I kissed him back? Did he have a right to believe it was consensual? Was it consensual? I know that I would have never hooked up with him had I been sober and we didn't have sex. Did he take advantage of me?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Yes he took advantage of you. You should have called the cops. What kind of friends do you have who would take photos and videos of you in such a situation? You were violated and I suspect everyone who participated in this fiasco is somehow liable. You need to sort yourrself out with therapy and swear off drinking.

  3. #3
    Bronze Member WaywardKiwi's Avatar
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    Hi ZoeHill,

    Im so sorry this happened to you.

    This is absolutely sexual assault, and your 'friends' who filmed the incident are possibly accessories to that sexual assault. You verbally stated that you did not consent. Further, you were incapable of consenting while unconscious. In a court of law, it may be established that your participation was consent to the specific act of kissing, but you clearly withdrew consent to further sexual contact. You should report this to the police, and when you do tell them there is video and photo evidence on these friends photos so they can obtain warrants to seize them.

    Please also seek counselling as soon as possible. You can ask for this from the police or advocacy groups in your area. Be strong, you can to call out this BS behaviour. You didnt deserve this, you didnt encourage this, and you are not to blame. You may even save other girls from these a-holes.

    Good luck,
    T

  4. #4
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    That is horrible. None of these people are your friends. Unbelievable. You should contact the police. You were assaulted.

    You should not have been drinking, and also to such an extreme.

    Are you on meds for your depression?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I am also going to be the voice of reason here, okay, Zoe? I don't mean any harm but I will tell you that to call the police now is going to be quite late, you should have done it the very next day.

    Also, the fact that you got yourself so inebriated that you lost control is going to go against you. If it ever went to court, it could be argued that James had mixed signals from you as you said no, but kept kissing him, etc.

    We, as women need to take part responsibility when situations like this occur. It's a very dangerous situation to put yourself in when you get drunk to this point of vulnerability.
    Does that mean he assaulted you?

    The lines are again very blurred, how drunk was he? Did he know what he was doing? Did he misunderstand?

    I would side with you and say that you have terrible friends and that this guy did take advantage but you've got to understand as well that the courts won't see it quite so clearly nor will most people will all factors involved.

    Please, please don't get drunk to this point...any ladies out there. Please...don't do it. We then become easy targets for predators.

    I hope you can get help with this though in terms of seeking counselling as it can be difficult to cope with.

  7. #6
    Yes he did, and I am terribly sorry that happened. It is not your fault, he was the cruel one, and if you have the strength you have to report this.

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    I would like to know why these "friends" didn't intervene when you were clearly saying no and too inebriated to consent. I would get footage of the incident in the event that you decide to pursue legal action.

    I'm a little confused after reading this a second time: did you sleep with him? If not, I would cut these people out of your life and move forward.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Yes your friends took advantage by videotaping you without consent in compromising sexual situation. Unfortunately your "friends" sound like voyeuristic morons making amateur porn at your expense.

    Go to a doctor for an exam if you feel things aren't right. Only a physician can do an appropriate history and exam and get law enforcement involved, if necessary. Perhaps the police can help you and stop your so-called friends from posting their amateur porn all over the internet.

    Stop making excuses for heavy drinking and get help for that..
    Originally Posted by ZoeHill
    my friends at the party showed me pictures and videos they had taken of the whole situation.

  10. #9
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    This guy and your friends are predators who actually belong in jail. Please please see a councillor and doctor.

  11. #10
    Bronze Member WaywardKiwi's Avatar
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    Hey Sherry, and everyone,

    I am not sure what jurisdiction you are living in Zoe, so I don't know the applicable law, plus I can't give you legal advice. However, the police in your area can.

    In a more general sense, I did want to address these two statements, more from a general point of view (and not in anyway to attack you Sherry, because I do take your point)...

    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Also, the fact that you got yourself so inebriated that you lost control is going to go against you. If it ever went to court, it could be argued that James had mixed signals from you as you said no, but kept kissing him, etc.
    The express withdrawal of consent vitiates implied consent (participation).

    The inability to consent or withdraw consent (i.e. lack of conciousness) vitiates implied or express consent.

    These are general accepted principles in most legal jurisdictions, and, more importantly, should be principles we embrace socially and demand men and women follow. If someone says no, thats it. If someone is asleep, passed out, or unconcious, thats it.

    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    The lines are again very blurred, how drunk was he? Did he know what he was doing? Did he misunderstand?
    Intoxication of the accused is not a defence against non consent.

    The relevant Canadian Law, for example:

    273.2 It is not a defence ... that the accused believed that the complainant consented to the activity ..., where

    (a) the accusedís belief arose from the accusedís
    (i) self-induced intoxication, or
    (ii) recklessness or wilful blindness; or

    (b) the accused did not take reasonable steps, in the circumstances known to the accused at the time, to ascertain that the complainant was consenting.



    As I said, I agree that there is a general lesson here in the unfortunate reality that women need to be aware of high-risk situations and plan accordingly, as well as a personal lesson around substance use/abuse, but I want to reiterate:

    it is extremely important that women report assaults irregardless of the time-lapsed, or the likelihood of conviction. Complaints are still registered, and this goes toward funding for resources across the board; from more prosecutorial resources, to victim support and counselling, to education.

    So, for my part, as someone who has worked in criminal justice (on all sides), please, report this.

    T

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