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Thread: Help Was I Taken Advantage Of

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    She even said no at one point and remembers saying no and he ignored it= crime.
    I think so too S.

  2. #32
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    Katrina -I wish I had reported my sexual assault -because that guy went on to harass several of my friends/people I knew over the years most or not all of whom connected with him on line. And when we saw each other again at a bar 9 years later -yes, I looked the same - he didn't remember me or my name which told me that what he did to me was probably typical for him so of course he wouldn't remember all the women he treated that way. (Yes I spoke to him -I wanted to see if he remembered me -no he didn't -and when he hit on me years later on line and messaged me with "why is someone so attractive still single" or some crap like that I responded "why are you still lying about your age?"). This happened in the early 1990s and yes I should have reported it and part of the reason I didn't was I blamed myself for going to his apartment the second time we met to hang out -told him 100% I didn't want to have sex with him, agreed to a "massage" in his bedroom and quickly told him "no" when he climbed on top of me (I believe I was fully dressed although I'm sure we'd been kissing). Took three NO from me before he stopped trying to get my clothes off/have sex. And stupidly I let him drive me home. I was sober, he was basically sober too. So I get it -the poor judgment we blame ourselves for while still feeling violated/the victim.

    But I learned - I learned not to go to a guy's apartment/be alone with a guy I didn't know like that especially with red flags (he'd been very handsy/touchy on our first meet which was a picnic during the day in a public park). Should I have been able to do exactly what I did without being assaulted? Yes, 100%. And the reality was that despite my being very clear about boundaries before I went to his place, while we were there - he chose to ignore them, the jerk. So it's a choice -we can keep choosing to act on "we should be able to do ___ without being assaulted" or "being a victim sucks so I'm going to stay sober and reluctantly restrict what I do with people I don't know well".

    Good for you Katrina. I wish I'd been as brave. I'm sorry OP for what you went through.

  3. 05-22-2019, 01:18 PM

  4. #33
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    Re what happened being a crime. If anyone is interested:

    Sexual assault is an act in which a person intentionally sexually touches another person without that person's consent, or coerces or physically forces a person to engage in a sexual act against their will.

    The maximum penalty for sexual assault is 14 years imprisonment. Aggravated sexual assault is sexual intercourse with another person without the consent of the other person and in circumstances of aggravation. The maximum penalty is imprisonment for 20 years nder s 61J of the Crimes Act.

    ---

    This was most definitely a sexual assault, and if reported, prosecuted and convicted, he is looking at some major time in prison.

    I also think the video could prove quite telling. IF prosecuted, a jury viewing that might very well see that she was clearly drunk, blacked out, in an out of consciousness, which would make her "kissing" him completely moot!

    In fact, there was a case a few years back wherein a young girl was at a party, got very drunk, in and out of consciousness, several boys took turns having sex with her and it was all videotaped.

    The defense attorneys argued it was consensual but then viewing that video, the jury determined the girl was clearly drunk, in and out of consciousness, no freaking way was that consensual. She was raped.

    The boys were convicted, off hand I can't remember how much time they got, but they did serve time, and of course are now registered sex offenders for the rest of their lives.

    In this case, it was not a rape, but nevertheless, taking how she described it at face value, it was definitely not consensual, a clear sexual assault which is a crime.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 05-22-2019 at 01:53 PM.

  5. #34
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Absolutely, you were taken advantage of.

    One possible route would be to book an appointment with your doctor. I'm concerned for you that with your underlying depression, this could send you into another serious depressive episode.
    You could seek out local resources through your doctor. I don't know where you live, but have you googled to see what resources are available in your area? Often there are crisis lines as well you can call, to have someone listen and suggest resources.

    Just know you don't have to suffer this alone! I'm really glad you reached out.

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  7. #35
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by WaywardKiwi
    My personal experience is with New Zealand Crimes Act 1961, ss128, 128A, 128B, and 135.
    The law I referenced in my previous answer was Canada's Criminal Code R.S.C., 1985, c. C-46, s273.2



    Firstly, in reality neither Zoe, or the contributors here know the material facts and surrounding situation well enough to advise on the liklihood of conviction. Perhaps one of those 'friends' actually does feel that this was inappropriate and would testify for the prosecution, perhaps the accused has a criminal history of indecent assault, which would allow for propensity evidence. In the event of a trial, the accused may even plead guilty. I have seen all of the above happen in court (alongside the situations you describe). It is the police's job to investigate, and the prosecutions job to assess, whether there is grounds for a criminal proceeding. Personally, I think it is far more reckless to advise against reporting based on anecdotal evidence in other cases.

    Besides this, once again, the value in reporting is not limited to the eventual prosecution of the accused. I completely accept the reality of the system, but silence and non-reporting is not the solution. I would encourage anyone in this or similar situations, to seek out any and all available support. There are many, many good people in the system who are genuinely there to help victims, and the only way to access these resources is to come forward. Whatever embarrassment and shame you may feel at having been so intoxicated, or in having mental health issues, this should not extend to shame and embarrassment that someone else took advantage of those facts. You are not to blame when someone sexually assaults you.



    While I agree, it is reckless for contributors to be too 'gungho' in their advice as to prosecution or the like, I personally disagree with this statement. If you feel you have been sexually assaulted, then whatever avenue you seek advice from is valid. In Zoe's case, I feel nearly every contributor here has offered relevant and helpful advice. Many people are not aware of the resources available to them, or the relevant law. Again, advising women to not ask for help is counter productive.

    Use your own judgement Zoe, but you have the abosulte right to ask for help in this situation.

    I hope you are OK.

    T

    Never said it shouldn't be reported, nor did I say she should be ashamed, this is what I mean about gungho posters, so busy trying to be advocates, they ignore whats being written, its like tunnel vision to pat yourself on the back, meanwhile the individual fades into the background, New Zealand is an incredibly liberal country, statistically speaking she most likely not from there so youre quoting laws that wouldnt even apply to her...like yeesh... I will repeat, I never shamed her or said she should keep quiet.

    Shes asking if she was taken advantage of, which obviously she was, by this man and by her friends...its an unfortunate situation.

    The OPer states she suffers from crippling depression, going forward with prosecution (which the OPer never mentioned, thanks Kat for pointing that out) would exasperate that without a solid support system, which is why I suggested she get with victims assistance, which would listen to her and let HER decide how she feels, tell her her options and bring her case forward is she chooses, but as sera pointed out the OPer could be Canadian etc. I would think they would have something similar in Canada and Europe though. This is not a simple process, it is an incredibly emotionally trying process and I'm sorry but in my humble opinion lots of grey. Thats the unfortunate reality of rape culture.
    Last edited by figureitout23; 05-22-2019 at 10:11 PM.

  8. #36
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Well, letís hope courts have changed. I had ZERO support. Even at 14 I wasn't allowed to have my parents in the court room . I had no support in the court room and even got questioned by my abuser because he had no lawyer .

    Once itís been remanded to a prosecutor you donít get to decide much . I had no choice and no one gave a ratís ass how I felt about it .

    Letís hope courts have changed .

  9. #37
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Well, letís hope courts have changed. I had ZERO support. Even at 14 I wasn't allowed to have my parents in the court room . I had no support in the court room and even got questioned by my abuser because he had no lawyer .

    Once itís been remanded to a prosecutor you donít get to decide much . I had no choice and no one gave a ratís ass how I felt about it .

    Letís hope courts have changed .
    Im so sorry Sera, I think they have gotten a lot better, far from perfect, but more victim focused than in the past

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