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confused about my boyfriends behaviour


Katrin

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I am very confused about something that happened recently in my relationship. I would appreciate any advice that any of you can give me. Thanks.

So, I have been in a relationship on and off with my boyfriend for 4 years. Recently we had an argument as there have been issues for a while as we don’t spend a lot of time together (he works nights and we don’t live together) which doesn’t help. The argument was pretty bad and out of nowhere he starts sobbing saying he’s sick of arguing and scared I’m going to leave him. I comfort him and told him I wouldn’t leave him ok and he said good and stops crying.

Fast forward a week. He came over the other night as a surprise saying work doesn’t need him tonight and he wanted to see me. I was surprised as wasn’t expecting him, however, was happy to see him. Once in my flat, I told him I needed to get in the shower as had been working earlier and was sweaty. He then asked if he could join me and I said no. He knows I don’t like it and has always respected this in the past. I then got in the shower and closed the door fully. After 5 mins he walked in the bathroom naked and just got in the shower with me. I told him to get out, but he started kissing me and ignored what I said. I didn’t say anything more and just went along with it.

After us both getting out of the shower we got in bed, we started to make out and had sex (me on top) and he came. After lying down cuddling for a bit he suddenly starts tickling me really hard and when I said stop it and was trying to push him off cause it hurt. He just started to laugh at me and carried on. Next thing he gets on top of me and forces my legs open and I ask him what he’s doing and then say no, as we’ve just had sex. He just said no (in a daft voice) and then pushes inside of me and then he starts tickling me again really hard. I ask him to stop again and he said what “The tickling or sex”. I said the tickling (not the sex) and he stops. He then while still inside me said “I love you ok” and then proceeds to pin one of my hands down and puts his other hand around my throat and starts having sex with me really hard. I didn’t say no but cried out a few times in bed and he started to do it harder. After. He got off me and said, “You didn’t want that did you, I could tell you wasn’t in the mood”. I said no as I was tired from work and we had just had sex. He then said, “You know why I tickle you”? I said no and he replied, “Because I’m the man and I can”.

I am confused about this incident as we have only ever had gentle sex in the past and he has always stopped when I have told him not to do things. I am not sure if my feelings are over the top or even if what he did was that bad. I would really appreciate any advice you can give me. Thanks.

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Reading what happened to you makes me feel sick to my stomach. What he did not listening to you say no and telling you he’s the man so it makes it okay, is not right! You were raped! Can you get to a doctor to see if you were harmed in any way vaginally since he forced himself inside? You also need to report him to the police.

 

I was raped at 20 by my boyfriend and the biggest mistake I made was not getting medical treatment and pressing charges!

 

This guy doesn’t love you. This will only get worse!

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Just going to add to what the others are saying.

 

This is all just so wrong on so many levels, and I'm very sorry you experienced this.

 

You've been on/off for four years, which is generally a sign of a relationship that doesn't work more than it does. After this, I would press the "off" switch for good, and never look back.

 

No one should do what he did to you—no one, no excuses.

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"I'm the man and I can." What kind of a childhood did he have I wonder that put that in his mind as being okay to say nevermind think?

 

Please make this relationship with him end PERMANENTLY. No going back. He has lost touch with reality and has sexually assaulted you.

 

Please listen to what everyone is telling you. You deserve better than what he's trying to sell you.

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Next thing he gets on top of me and forces my legs open and I ask him what he’s doing and then say no, as we’ve just had sex. He just said no (in a daft voice) and then pushes inside of me and then he starts tickling me again really hard. I ask him to stop again and he said what “The tickling or sex”. I said the tickling (not the sex) and he stops. He then while still inside me said “I love you ok” and then proceeds to pin one of my hands down and puts his other hand around my throat and starts having sex with me really hard. I didn’t say no but cried out a few times in bed and he started to do it harder. After. He got off me and said, “You didn’t want that did you, I could tell you wasn’t in the mood”. I said no as I was tired from work and we had just had sex. He then said, “You know why I tickle you”? I said no and he replied, “Because I’m the man and I can”.

I am confused about this incident....

 

I’m going to refrain from giving advice until I see if the poster comes back and interacts or is a one and done poster...

 

I'm with figureitout, gonna refrain from fully responding until the OP comes back, and she also clarifies a few questions I have.

 

Number one, bolded, when he asked you if you wanted the tickling to stop and not the sex, why did you say just the tickling and not the sex? That is confusing.

 

Second, when he became aggressive with you, pinned your hands down, had hand on your throat, why did you NOT say "NO"? I get you cried; I cry sometimes too during rough play/sex but I'm into dominant sex so it's much much different. You stated your sexual dynamic together has been gentle sex.

 

Anyway, unless you make it clear to a man by saying NO!! Some men are just not gonna get it, unfortunately. Especially while in that moment. And you had said "yes" to the sex just minutes before.

 

Please understand I am not justifying what he did; I think what he did was very wrong and his comment "I'm the man and I can" was arrogant, bulling and beyond disrespectful.

 

I am also not accusing you of anything, but I am hesitant to call this a "rape" as that is a very extreme accusation until you return and answer these questions.

 

Because again it's a bit confusing, for me anyway. I work in law and am trained to look at all sides before arbitrarily making such an extreme accusation.

 

Thanks and hope you're seeking help for what you experienced because no matter what it was it sounds like it was quite traumatic for you and I am sorry.

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Whether Op you were raped, it was sexual assault, or BDSM extravaganza... this is enough to get the fug away and stay away from him...

I have been in a relationship on and off with my boyfriend for 4 years.
Take a hint that you are with the wrong man and liberate yourself from this bullcrockery you call a relationship.
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