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Thread: Just married. Did I make a mistake?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Lady, what the ****? Get the annulment. No, you don't salvage a relationship from there. It's done. It's one thing to get hitched after three or however few months. It's another to get married that soon only to despise him coming into your home (??????????). What's the point? Is he still an actual resident of the place next door? Is he supposed to be paying his rent there and 50% of your rent? You can try to kick him out, but whether he's on your lease or not, if he's been there 30 days, most states are going to consider him a legal resident, and should he have half the mind to Google his rights, he'll see he's entitled to a notice and eviction process. Regardless, whether he moves out peacefully tomorrow or drags it out, it's a process you should start sooner than later.

    If you're making life decisions like this at 31, I'd strongly encourage you to pursue some therapy. You're otherwise only going to end up with guys like this, whose emotional maturity matches up to your own. There's so much "why" in your story to even go through.

  2. #22
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    I don't quite understand why you would marry someone when your favorite part of being together was when you would miss him.

    Forget going back to being bf/gf, I don't think you are compatible. Find someone who also likes time apart because this isn't going to be a compromise you are both happy with.

  3. #23
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    You didnít ruffle my feather at all! I really like that idea. Iíd love to have separate bedrooms but 2 bedroom apartments are way out of our price range or else this probably wouldnít be an issue. I just figured having him move out means no more married but i like that idea. I am not sure if heís able to move back into his old place since they replaced him with a new roommate already, but maybe who knows I know thatís the only other place he could afford. I tried talking to him last night about how Iím not happy with the situation and he stared this crying feeling sorry for himself so I dropped the subject. He does that, throws a fit because he knows Iíll drop it or give in. I started telling him, him acting like that is being disrespectful towards me and not hearing my words or respecting what I have to say. I guess I just have to keep trying to have that conversation and maybe heíll communicate back with me like an adult. Another option Iíve thought about is turning off the internet so he canít sit around all day watching Hulu and Netflix. Maybe heíd get bored enough and actually try to get a job. Thank you for your suggestion.

  4. #24
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    No don't turn off the internet, that sounds way to controlling. You're not his prison warden for heaven's sake, or worse his mother, you're his wife.

    Just keep communicating and like I said, perhaps seek the help of a marriage counselor if the communications becomes too toxic, with him not being open to other options and crying feeling sorry for himself etc.

    If that doesn't work, then yeah an annulment would be the best course of action.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    Lady, what the ****? Get the annulment. No, you don't salvage a relationship from there. It's done. It's one thing to get hitched after three or however few months. It's another to get married that soon only to despise him coming into your home (??????????). What's the point? Is he still an actual resident of the place next door? Is he supposed to be paying his rent there and 50% of your rent? You can try to kick him out, but whether he's on your lease or not, if he's been there 30 days, most states are going to consider him a legal resident, and should he have half the mind to Google his rights, he'll see he's entitled to a notice and eviction process. Regardless, whether he moves out peacefully tomorrow or drags it out, it's a process you should start sooner than later.

    If you're making life decisions like this at 31, I'd strongly encourage you to pursue some therapy. You're otherwise only going to end up with guys like this, whose emotional maturity matches up to your own. There's so much "why" in your story to even go through.
    Iíd give him 30 days notice. And if he refuses to move then I will.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    No don't turn off the internet, that sounds way to controlling. You're not his prison warden for heaven's sake, or worse his mother, you're his wife.

    Just keep communicating and like I said, perhaps seek the help of a marriage counselor if the communications becomes too toxic, with him not being open to other options and crying feeling sorry for himself etc.

    If that doesn't work, then yeah an annulment would be the best course of action.
    And if he refuses to move?

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    Lady, what the ****? Get the annulment. No, you don't salvage a relationship from there. It's done. It's one thing to get hitched after three or however few months. It's another to get married that soon only to despise him coming into your home (??????????). What's the point? Is he still an actual resident of the place next door? Is he supposed to be paying his rent there and 50% of your rent? You can try to kick him out, but whether he's on your lease or not, if he's been there 30 days, most states are going to consider him a legal resident, and should he have half the mind to Google his rights, he'll see he's entitled to a notice and eviction process. Regardless, whether he moves out peacefully tomorrow or drags it out, it's a process you should start sooner than later.

    If you're making life decisions like this at 31, I'd strongly encourage you to pursue some therapy. You're otherwise only going to end up with guys like this, whose emotional maturity matches up to your own. There's so much "why" in your story to even go through.
    And his maturity and mine are nothing alike. I have ambitions, own a business have nice things. I didnít go into this marriage thinking it would end up like this at all. I feel like he was misleading and naÔve by saying he got a ďfull time jobĒ I think he knows he was only needed for a few days but kinda manipulated me into thinking heíll be the man of the house instead me being his mommy role. I would never admit that Iím lazy and fine living that way. Iíd be embarrassed.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by Mfawn
    And if he refuses to move?
    Read the last sentence of my second post. :)

    And look for a man who is a better fit.

    And date him for a long long time before getting married, IF getting married is ultimately what you both want.

    If not, that's ok to!!

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Mfawn
    How did you make the adjustment? We do not have a child, so that makes my decision a little less stressful because I donít have to be worried about how it would effect a child. He uses the excuse that ďthis is how I was before we were married and you knew thatĒ actually I didnít because he was working when we got married and moved in. He says heís happy sitting at home all day and heís been doing it for 18 years since his disability started. I asked ďdoesnít that make you feel lazy?Ē And things are different now that heís a husband and not some single, stoner guy living with two other stoners who have no motivation. Maybe thatís why I donít take the marriage seriously . I didnít think of that before.
    How did I make the adjustment? By committing to it. And committing to the changes it came with (oh and I also relocated after we were married for 8 months and it was my first real relocation in my life -I was 43 -and became unemployed for the first time in 20 years -to be a full time mama!). Because I wanted to be married to him. I wanted to be a "we", to be together in marriage, forever.

    You knew who he was -he showed you who he was. Many people lose their jobs all of a sudden -happened to my sister's ex husband when they first got married -and that's the "better or for worse'. But here you already knew his "worse" -he's right -you knew he was happy being stoned and a couch potato. And he still is just now he also doesn't have a job. When you commit to a marriage it's your responsibility to be as informed as possible of what the deal is -because of course there are many unknowns - and no guarantees -but the reason we get to know someone before committing to marriage is to decrease the unknowns and, if it doesn't work out, to know it's because of something you couldn't have known would happen that is a dealbreaker (like abuse/drug addiction/infidelity, etc).

    Sounds like you got married on a whim. So I would get an annulment and you might owe him alimony since he is disabled but that will be for you to sort out.

    Oh and I'm still making the adjustment -that is also what marriage is - you have to deal with change, with unforeseen circumstances -we just had a heated discussion last night as he thinks I should be able to handle his business travel more calmly and that I complain too much. He's been traveling for business for many years. I knew that going in. Doesn't mean it's all easy peasy all the time. Nor does it mean it's a deal breaker - we didn't "fight" just had a heated discussion and resolved things pretty nicely I thought -aired our feelings/concerns, etc.

    No I do not think you can go back to the way things were. And how you described it didn't sound like that much fun -you felt crowded even then.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    How did I make the adjustment? By committing to it. And committing to the changes it came with (oh and I also relocated after we were married for 8 months and it was my first real relocation in my life -I was 43 -and became unemployed for the first time in 20 years -to be a full time mama!). Because I wanted to be married to him. I wanted to be a "we", to be together in marriage, forever.

    You knew who he was -he showed you who he was. Many people lose their jobs all of a sudden -happened to my sister's ex husband when they first got married -and that's the "better or for worse'. But here you already knew his "worse" -he's right -you knew he was happy being stoned and a couch potato. And he still is just now he also doesn't have a job. When you commit to a marriage it's your responsibility to be as informed as possible of what the deal is -because of course there are many unknowns - and no guarantees -but the reason we get to know someone before committing to marriage is to decrease the unknowns and, if it doesn't work out, to know it's because of something you couldn't have known would happen that is a dealbreaker (like abuse/drug addiction/infidelity, etc).

    Sounds like you got married on a whim. So I would get an annulment and you might owe him alimony since he is disabled but that will be for you to sort out.

    Oh and I'm still making the adjustment -that is also what marriage is - you have to deal with change, with unforeseen circumstances -we just had a heated discussion last night as he thinks I should be able to handle his business travel more calmly and that I complain too much. He's been traveling for business for many years. I knew that going in. Doesn't mean it's all easy peasy all the time. Nor does it mean it's a deal breaker - we didn't "fight" just had a heated discussion and resolved things pretty nicely I thought -aired our feelings/concerns, etc.
    Sorry I didnít even see this one, Iíve gotten quite a few responses. I donít know anything alimony. I donít have anything in my name. Might be smart to get an annulment now and use the excuse saying itís for taxes or something so if it actually came to breaking up or him moving he wouldnít be able to get any money.

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