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Thread: Should I (F,26) meet up with "ex"(F,26) after 5 years of LC?

  1. #1

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    Should I (F,26) meet up with "ex"(F,26) after 5 years of LC?

    I recently broke NC with someone that I was involved with a few years back. We met as juniors in college and it was an instant sexual connection but she had a boyfriend. This didn't stop us from eventually hooking up and being each other's "first" girl on girl encounter. She started feeling guilty (mentioning that when she was having sex with him she would think of me) and she decided to stop fooling around with me. Weeks later, she came back - saying she told her boyfriend about me and that he was "open" to her having sex with me.

    As this was happening, I was sexually involved with other folks but couldn't seem to get her off my mind. She ended up dumping me after our most intense sexual encounter. I orgasmed so hard that I cried and it scared her away. She called me hours later, asking if I had feelings for her. I admitted that I did and she ended things with me. I was so crushed, humiliated and ashamed of myself for allowing myself to be used. I didn't expect for her to be in love with me but I at least hoped she'd have some compassion once she saw me in such a vulnerable state. I spent the entire winter break trying to get over her and regain my confidence back.

    Eventually we both graduated and I moved to another city (but same state). I kept no contact until she reached out to me. She was studying abroad in Brazil and telling me how it reminded her of me and how she was reminiscing about all of "our" songs that we shared together. This was 3 years ago - I brushed it off and was very cordial yet cold with my response.

    Fast forward to now - I was traveling throughout Spain (where her family is from) a few weeks back and EVERYTHING reminded me of her. I eventually got drunk and sent her a text stating that I was in Spain and she was on my mind. She responded that she was thinking of me as well and asked if we could meet up in person to talk. She even asked if I was moving back to the town we both met. I felt thrown off by her response and told her that I didn't think it would be a good idea to meet up.

    Truth is, I'll be going to a wedding in the city she lives in the next month. I regret telling her we shouldn't meet up but a part of me wonders why she wants to meet. She "dumped" me at my most vulnerable state. Why meet now after 5 years? I'm mad at myself for even initiating the conversation yet a part of me really wants to see her again. I can't stop thinking about her skin, her warmth, her taste. I know we can't be together (and I doubt that is what she wants anyway) but a part of me feels this strong desire to see her. I thought after all this time I'd be over it.

    Should I meet up with her since I'll be in her town a few weeks from now anyway or just stick to the original plan of not meeting up?

    tl/dr - Girl (OP) has an affair with girl who has a boyfriend. OP gets dumped by girl and eventually graduates and moves on with her life. Dumper reached out to dumpee (op) 3 years ago, but dumpee (op) brushed her advances off. Fast forward to now - Dumpee (op) drunk texts ex because she was on her mind. Ex wants to meet up after 5 years of not seeing one another. OP says no but is now regretting her decision. What should she do?

  2. #2
    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    You should stick with your initial instinct and refrain from meeting up.

    OP, this obsession with someone who used you as an experiment in college is beyond unhealthy. You are wording everything here as if the two of you were in an actual, long-lasting relationship when all you ever were to her was a college f**k buddy. I am not trying to be rude but you have the entire situation totally twisted inside your head. You should really be seeing a therapist regularly and the best thing you can possibly do is never speak with this girl again. She used you, you said it yourself and how ashamed and hurt you were about it. Do you really think it's going to be different if you meet up now?

    She will have her fun again, and you will be back to square one, possibly even worse. You are never going to move on unless you stick firmly to a decision to stop letting this fling rule your life. Please, please talk to a professional because this is an obsession that has to end and should have some time ago.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by pul
    Should I meet up with her since I'll be in her town a few weeks from now anyway or just stick to the original plan of not meeting up?
    LikeWater has some solid advice but I'll throw a spanner into the works...just to confuse you :)

    Only you can know the answer to that question above^^

    5 years is a long time though so who knows what would play out if you met.....

    However, the thing to consider is how YOU will feel if it indeed plays out like it did back then....What if you guys hook up and she disappears again? Is that going to devastate you again...?

    If not then by all means...Meet up, have some fun, see where it goes.....But yes, proceed with caution*

    Carus*

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    Thank you for your honest response.

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  6. #5

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    Originally Posted by Carus
    LikeWater has some solid advice but I'll throw a spanner into the works...just to confuse you :)

    Only you can know the answer to that question above^^

    5 years is a long time though so who knows what would play out if you met.....

    However, the thing to consider is how YOU will feel if it indeed plays out like it did back then....What if you guys hook up and she disappears again? Is that going to devastate you again...?

    If not then by all means...Meet up, have some fun, see where it goes.....But yes, proceed with caution*

    Carus*
    Thank you. I didn't expect anything from the meet up other than meeting up to see how each other is doing. I can see how that could easily spiral into us hooking up again.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by pul
    I didn't expect anything from the meet up other than meeting up to see how each other is doing.
    Ok then why not....?
    Originally Posted by pul
    I can see how that could easily spiral into us hooking up again.
    Yes it could.....so, reaching deep inside for the TRUE answer, how does that make you feel? Anxious? Or 'Sure, whatever'.....??

    Carus*

  8. #7

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    Originally Posted by LikeWater
    You should stick with your initial instinct and refrain from meeting up.

    OP, this obsession with someone who used you as an experiment in college is beyond unhealthy. You are wording everything here as if the two of you were in an actual, long-lasting relationship when all you ever were to her was a college f**k buddy. I am not trying to be rude but you have the entire situation totally twisted inside your head. You should really be seeing a therapist regularly and the best thing you can possibly do is never speak with this girl again. She used you, you said it yourself and how ashamed and hurt you were about it. Do you really think it's going to be different if you meet up now?

    She will have her fun again, and you will be back to square one, possibly even worse. You are never going to move on unless you stick firmly to a decision to stop letting this fling rule your life. Please, please talk to a professional because this is an obsession that has to end and should have some time ago.
    Does it really come across as an obsession? I've only been thinking about her for the past couple of days tbh. I understand that I was just a "f**k buddy" hence why I use the term "ex" in the title. For the most part, I've been living my life, dating other folks and working on my career as an entrepreneur. She has done almost all of the reaching out after we ended things. I just had one weak moment and reached out to her while she initiated a meet up (not me). I'm just unclear about how this makes me obsessed when for the most part I've kept my distance these 5 years?

    Thanks again for the input.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    You refer to her as the "dumper" but it doesn't sound like you guys were ever in a relationship, more like a brief but formative FWB things that got intense in a way neither of you could handle at the time.

    I use that phrase—neither of you—in hopes of shifting and broadening your perspective a bit. For years (perhaps deep in your subconscious) you've been clinging to and cultivating a narrative that serves both your pain and obsession, a story that makes you the victim: that she ditched you at your most vulnerable moment, that she "used" you. For whatever reason you have found a kind of comfort in this story; that's a choice you've made.

    But I think the story is more complicated than that—basically that things got intense in a way that you guys just didn't have the capacity or connection to handle. Which happens. What had been a fun, hot, youthful, undefined, and non-monogamous entanglement got very real very fast: you cried and caught feelings and she...well, she wasn't on the same page. She didn't share your feelings, realized this imbalance, and honestly? She did the mature thing—and the more genuinely compassionate thing—in ending things.

    That hurt, yes. Always sucks when someone doesn't share our feelings for them, but I'm honestly surprised that after five years the narrative hasn't softened in your mind. Because it's not someone's job to feel anything for us, especially someone we're not official with and who has made no promises or commitment to us. Heck, I'm in a very committed relationship right now, but if my girlfriend surprised me by breaking up with me tonight because she didn't have the same feelings as I do—well, total bummer, total heartbreak.

    But I wouldn't have been "used" or "ditched." No, I'd have just gotten caught up with and attached to someone who, sadly, wasn't on my page: a wound to nurse, not a wound to define me for years to come. And in the grand scheme I'd be fortunate, since I have no interest in being with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I'd come to be grateful for the connection we shared, mourning the loss, letting go, and moving on to experience deeper, more sustainable connections.

    It's understandable, in ways, that after 5 years she still has this kind of emotional pull over you. Even though you guys never really dated, she represents a lot to you: an early sexual connection, a formative sexual awakening, and, yes, early heartbreak. We all have one or two of those in the personal history books.

    But those are not things that someone "does" to us: that's giving her power that she never really had, letting your ego run the show at the detriment to your core confidence. These are things that "happen" on the journey of life: some good times, some bad times; vague connections that fizzle out or blow up; beginnings and endings; connection and disconnection. People hurt people—it's allowed.

    All that I say as a prelude to your current situation.

    Typically my advice would be simple: go say hi, have fun, no expectations. Trouble is? I wouldn't have to give that advice because you'd just be doing it, knowing you're cool with it, rather than posting here. But you sound pretty fragile, or at least thrown into a fragile state by the very idea of her: instead of being the 26-year-old woman you've evolved into over time, you regress, after just a few texts, into the jittery 21-year-old who has just experienced a profound level of vulnerability, sexually and emotionally.

    It sounds like you never fully processed that in a way that is healthy—that after all this time you're still wondering if she has either the power to heal that wound or the power to open it. That you told her meeting up isn't a good idea—well, I'd say that was your spirit being strong by recognizing where you're vulnerable. I'd say that this whole post of yours is evidence that meeting up isn't a great idea, because it doesn't sound like you can handle it: that instead of seeing her as a person from your past, you see her as a potential poison of cure.

    And that's okay. Some people are best left in the past. I've met up with plenty of past lovers over the years—sometimes finding friendship, sometimes a dash of romance, sometimes a 20 minute chat over coffee. But it was simple because I knew I was over the past, you know? Whatever power they had over me had been dissolved by time.

    Really I'd use this moment as an opportunity for some self-exploration. In the annals of traumatic things that can happen romantically, your collegiate fling with her is pretty minor. You were not used, not even treated poorly. You experienced something brief and beautiful that ended before you wanted it to, in way that scuffed you up emotionally but also informed you, revealed a piece of yourself to you that you're lucky to see. Once you can see it like that I think you'll find what you're looking for here—far more than in trying to find it by meeting up.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    You knew she had a boyfriend yet you went ahead and volunteered to be with her sexually. That is not "being used" so please stop viewing yourself as a victim but rather start viewing yourself as better than wanting someone that is a cheater. Besides, if you actually believed that you were used then why would you even consider meeting someone that took advantage of you? Folks with a good sense of self keep themselves away from people that do not have our best interests at heart... we don't run to them.

    As for your thread in general. You KNOW you shouldn't meet her. If you were pumped to meet her then you would just meet her and this thread wouldn't exist.

    OP says no but is now regretting her decision.
    Shove off your shoulder that devil whispering in your ear and tempting you to get yourself involved with her again. Do what your gut (the angel on the other shoulder) is clearly telling you and keep yourself away. Close this door you keep open to her.

  11. #10
    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    It has more to do with the words you use to describe how you obviously still feel about her. Again, you make it sound like you were a couple when that was never her intention. She was actually already in a relationship.

    I just don't see what future you see in this if you were to meet up and I worry about what kind of mental hell it could bring forth for you. I simply think that based on how you still think about her, let everything remind you of her, describe the remembrance of how she tasted, and the pedestal you've placed her on is a problem. I don't see her as good for your well-being.

    Maybe obsession isn't the perfect term for it, but definitely an inability to let go of something that was never there to begin with.

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