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Thread: Should I (F,26) meet up with "ex"(F,26) after 5 years of LC?

  1. #11

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    Originally Posted by Carus
    Ok then why not....?

    Yes it could.....so, reaching deep inside for the TRUE answer, how does that make you feel? Anxious? Or 'Sure, whatever'.....??

    Carus*
    I honestly feel angry. I thought I was over this but clearly I'm not. I wish I could be more aloof about it like I was earlier during our LC period but ever since I've been back from Spain, I haven't been myself lately.

    I'll stick to not meeting up with her. A part of me wants to know why she would even want to "meet up". Since everyone here is stating (and I agree) that there was nothing between us except a FWB fling (I disagree to some extent because we were never friends per say, just people who hooked up) what is there to meet up and chat about? How have I been "on her mind" all of this time if I never truly meant anything to her? Even when she first ended things, we would see eachother in class or around campus and I would purposely avoid her or give a "don't talk to me" vibe but she would sheepishly approach me anyway. I could tell by her facial expression and body language that this hurt her but why? You ""dumped"" me .. now you're hurt I don't want to speak with you?

    Anyway, I clearly have a lot of internal work to do. I just have to find a way to get over the "what ifs" and "why this.." and "why that".. I thought about asking her these questions during the meet up which is why I was conflicted. I already know we cant be together.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Good girl....Glad to see writing it out here has helped :)

  3. #13

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    You refer to her as the "dumper" but it doesn't sound like you guys were ever in a relationship, more like a brief but formative FWB things that got intense in a way neither of you could handle at the time.

    I use that phrase—neither of you—in hopes of shifting and broadening your perspective a bit. For years (perhaps deep in your subconscious) you've been clinging to and cultivating a narrative that serves both your pain and obsession, a story that makes you the victim: that she ditched you at your most vulnerable moment, that she "used" you. For whatever reason you have found a kind of comfort in this story; that's a choice you've made.

    But I think the story is more complicated than that—basically that things got intense in a way that you guys just didn't have the capacity or connection to handle. Which happens. What had been a fun, hot, youthful, undefined, and non-monogamous entanglement got very real very fast: you cried and caught feelings and she...well, she wasn't on the same page. She didn't share your feelings, realized this imbalance, and honestly? She did the mature thing—and the more genuinely compassionate thing—in ending things.

    That hurt, yes. Always sucks when someone doesn't share our feelings for them, but I'm honestly surprised that after five years the narrative hasn't softened in your mind. Because it's not someone's job to feel anything for us, especially someone we're not official with and who has made no promises or commitment to us. Heck, I'm in a very committed relationship right now, but if my girlfriend surprised me by breaking up with me tonight because she didn't have the same feelings as I do—well, total bummer, total heartbreak.
    Thank you so much for your response. I had to read over it several times to let it sink in. I just wonder why she would even bother staying in touch with me these past 5 years if she had no emotional attachment to me? Why send texts saying "you've been thinking about me".."this place reminds me of you.." .."this song reminds me of you".. "can we meet up?"..etc.

    As I mentioned with another poster, after she ended things we were still in school. I would run into her in class and all throughout campus and she would always try to approach me with a sheepish wave or try to initiate conversation even though I was purposely avoiding her as best I could. She even hugged me once when a simple walking past me would have sufficed.

    Why not just NEVER talk to me again? That would be the mature thing to do. Leave me alone for good and let me heal knowing I meant nothing to you. It's these breadcrumbs that keep me confused, not the way things ended. I know it was not a real relationship, I just use the term "dumper/dumpee" and "ex" for the convenience.

    Thanks again.

  4. #14

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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    You knew she had a boyfriend yet you went ahead and volunteered to be with her sexually. That is not "being used" so please stop viewing yourself as a victim but rather start viewing yourself as better than wanting someone that is a cheater. Besides, if you actually believed that you were used then why would you even consider meeting someone that took advantage of you? Folks with a good sense of self keep themselves away from people that do not have our best interests at heart... we don't run to them.

    As for your thread in general. You KNOW you shouldn't meet her. If you were pumped to meet her then you would just meet her and this thread wouldn't exist.

    Shove off your shoulder that devil whispering in your ear and tempting you to get yourself involved with her again. Do what your gut (the angel on the other shoulder) is clearly telling you and keep yourself away. Close this door you keep open to her.
    I don't see myself as a victim. The only victim in this situation was her boyfriend tbh. I just don't understand why she has tried to initiate contact with me over the past 5 years if I didn't mean anything to her. It's the breadcrumbing that's been throwing me off.

    Thank you for your response.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by pul
    I don't see myself as a victim. The only victim in this situation was her boyfriend tbh. I just don't understand why she has tried to initiate contact with me over the past 5 years if I didn't mean anything to her. It's the breadcrumbing that's been throwing me off.

    Thank you for your response.
    Perhaps she was contacting you because she liked you as a person and she enjoyed the sex and she's too self-absorbed (and a cheater) to actually leave you da fug alone. No need to try and figure out her motives, instead work on why you allowed her in your life when she really has no business in your head for one minute longer. Have you thought of blocking her so you can stop her renting a room in your head for free?

  7. #16
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    You want to go back to a girl who never loved you and dumped you? You're likely to get dropped and rejected again and again. Why put yourself through the pain, why spin your wheels? Find a new girl.

  8. #17

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    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    You want to go back to a girl who never loved you and dumped you? You're likely to get dropped and rejected again and again. Why put yourself through the pain, why spin your wheels? Find a new girl.
    I don't want to get back with her. When did I ever say that? I wanted to know if I should meet up with her to talk. There is a difference.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Again, I'm going to challenge your language and, by extension, your attitude to all this. No judgement here, so I hope this doesn't sound harsh. I'm just trying to help you see the forest instead of the trees.

    You seem to look for clarity by creating and cultivating a catastrophic storyline with her that makes you a victim. I know you don't like hearing this, per your above post, but this idea, for instance, that you somehow "know" that you "meant nothing" to her—well, that's self-victimization, you see? That's not a hard fact, like the fact that you are 26 years old. That's a story you have chosen to tell yourself.

    After all, she did not look you in the eye and say, "You mean nothing to me." No, that's how it felt, to you, in the moment, because she did not feel what you felt, what you hoped she would feel, and as such she was incapable of treating you with the level of care and compassion that you wanted. That does not make her a "bad" person, nor does it mean you "meant nothing" to her. You just didn't mean what you wanted to mean, and that hurt, during a very formative and impressionable time in your life.

    A victim mindset comes when we fetishize hurt instead of processing it—when we magnify and inflate something (a single tree) instead of letting it fade away (back into the forest). It's generally the first stage of processing and healing, but in this case it sounds like it's been the only stage, for years. You found a kind of comfort in that story—the story in which she was the cold minx who shut you out when you needed her most—but the trouble is that it doesn't quite line up with the facts.

    Like her approaching you on campus later, and now initiating contact, thinking of you, being down to hang out and say hi. Truth is that's not mysterious at all. She probably liked you a lot as a person, dug having sex with you, and thinks back fondly on all that, even if it got a little edgy. She's probably fine to say hi because that period isn't as ripe in her mind as it is in yours. She's probably a bit more fluid emotionally than you are: different temperaments create different stories.

    I can only speak for myself, but I think pretty fondly about just about everyone I've connected with and had sex with, including some who ended up hurting me, or who I hurt. Some I've reached out to at various times, some have reached out to me. Some I'm now friends with, some not. Some I've re-sparked vague little things with when we're both single. Some I wouldn't really want to see again. Whatever, you know? That's the story of a lot of lives, nothing special.

    She's not the only person you've been with, and I'm sure on your own journey you've let some people down, that someone has liked you more than you've liked them, that you've had to end a thing or two. Are those people "meaningless" in your mind? Or do you sometimes wonder about them, how they're doing? It's just kind of life, you know? Maybe try to broaden your perspective a bit to change the story—one where "She hurt me and thinks I mean nothing" is not the whole narrative, but just a little piece of it.

    Humans are too complicated for those grade school stories, for starters, and, as you're learning, making pain the only pen that writes your story only makes you confused and stifled where you can be open and free—open and free to staying closed off to that which doesn't serve, or open and free to meet up and say hello to whomever.











    What I'd encourage you to do is stop making everything a story. People reach out because...they felt like reaching out. It's never black and white—never as simple as they just "want sex" or remain "emotionally attached." For instance, back when I was 25 I had a hot, vague, undefined thing with someone. It got a little edgy—the classic imbalance of feelings.

  10. #19
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    I don't see the harm in meeting up if you don't have expectations. 5 years is a long time, especially between 21 and 26, and you are both different people (presumably). You were almost compatible at one point, maybe you would be now. I agree with bluecastle that perhaps neither of you were ready to cope with the intensity of the attraction in the past.

    But if you feel weird about it that might be a signal that there is still something in you that would be expecting something, whether that be another experience, or just for her to provide you some closure. While it's true she rejected you, saying she dumped you feels a little bit off, but the language you use is the language people use to refer to their exes. And you are wondering why she kept contact, when really people stay in contact for all sorts of reasons. But your questioning belies some attachment you may still have.

    I suppose there is a chance that a meeting could be a kind of closure to end the attachment, but I think the opposite is more likely. She is happy to reconnect with someone she used to know, while you go and get all stirred up again. Heck, just the thought of seeing her again seems to have you a little stirred up. Trust your gut.

  11. #20
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    Don't understand what you would have to gain. Who cares what she wants to talk about. You were only f*ck buddies for a short period of time.

    Damn! It has been five years. It is time to block and delete her. Move on with your life.

    I think that she enjoys getting her ego stroked, as you are STILL responding.

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