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Thread: Starting long distance

  1. #1
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    Starting long distance

    So I met this guy on a dating app and we really hit it off in the beginning. Itís only been 3 weeks since weíve been talking. In the beginning he was very attentive, put in a lot of effort to communicate. He is a business man so he is usually very busy plus his time is 3 hours behind mine.
    He doesnít put in a lot of effort to talk to me through your the day- which is fine if he is working. But most days, heíll get home and still not prioritize communicating with me. It will always be me initiating calls. So I mentioned to him that he needs to put in more effort than he is at the moment. But his excuse is always that he is used to only caring about work so caring about communicating with me is a change for him that he is still trying to get used to.
    He is on a work trip in a different state right now and heís been working pretty much all day- according to him. Last night and tonight, he went out but still didnít prioritize giving me a call to catch up.

    I feel like Iím putting in more effort than this deserves because Iím not sure if he is giving his 100%. I also donít know if Iím overthinking this because it is only the beginning of something, we have yet to meet for the first time. Iím not sure if I should drop him and move on or continue to put in the effort that I am. I just donít want to end up hurt, feeling like someone used me to pass time. What should I do??

  2. #2
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    How much time have you spent together in person?

  3. #3
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    We havenít met in person yet!

  4. #4
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    If I should change something, what should it be?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What are you hoping for with this? Or, to put it more frankly, what are you "using" him for aside from passing time?

    You've never met him, hardly know him, and if you don't live in the same place it doesn't sound like you'll be meeting soon. So are you looking for a kind of long distance texting and talking relationship?

  7. #6
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    In the beginning, when we started talking. He said he wanted to visit soon- about a month in. He hasnít mentioned anything about visiting recently. He is also supposed to move nearby for his business in about 2 months. So I was hoping this would turn into a real relationship because distance wouldnít be a problem for long. Communication is my only problem and I donít know how to deal with it. If heís out with friends, how is it hard to text? It just makes me think heís not as interested as he makes it seem with his words.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I understand all those hopes, but honestly? I think hanging them on someone you don't know, have never met, and who doesn't live in the same area as you is just a recipe for disappointment.

    I mean, you don't know this guy and already you're having "talks" about "putting in effort?" That's the stuff for a year or two into a relationship, not three weeks of texting, and even then it's often the beginning of the end of a relationship. To be having them at this point sounds like a signal that maybe your time would be better spent elsewhereólike meeting and engaging with people who are actually available, emotionally and geographically.
    Last edited by bluecastle; 05-20-2019 at 12:45 AM.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    I agree 100% with bluecastle.

    This guy is still a stranger. As someone who has been on a fair amount of online dates, you cannot get to know someone without spending time with them in person. You're worrying yourself over a fantasy of this man you created in your mind. Further, he is actively communicating to you that he is not invested in building a real relationship with you. Please let this one go.

  10. #9
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    I guess you two are right. I need to drop him because heís clearly not worth my time or energy. Thank you!!

  11. 05-20-2019, 06:08 AM

  12. #10
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    Your expectations are not realistic, OP.

    You have never met the man, yet you're approaching this as if you are already dating. Of course he isn't prioritizing talking to you - he doesn't know you. You are someone who caught his attention that he might see sometime soon, but that's it. He is wise not to get caught up in some online pseudo-relationship; it creates a false sense of intimacy, such as is happening with you right now. Here you are already telling him he needs to make more effort?! Girl. Slow down and check your expectations. This stranger owes you nothing at this point. Saying he's not worth your time smacks of entitlement - you need to dial down your demands, here. You're vastly overestimating your importance in his life.

    Unfortunately, he probably senses you're too attached already and attempting to tell him what to do. I would take a hard pass if a man I had never met came at me like that. I would take a big step back, stop contacting him, and try to get some healthy perspective. You're getting too ahead of yourself and are about to kill any chance of ever actually meeting him in person.

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