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Thread: Deeply and painfully in love with my friend

  1. #1

    Deeply and painfully in love with my friend

    Hey everyone... I have a bit of a story if anyone can give some advice. :)

    I met my friend 4 years ago and fell in love with him after knowing him just a month. I told him how I felt. I have never known a love as strong as I felt for him. It felt like a fire burning. I've never had a real relationship with a man before but I am bi. I thought he probably was too but he told me he was straight...

    We were working together in Montana and I thought when he learned I had a crush on him he wouldn't want to be around me anymore. Not the case, we traveled together after the seasonal job was over and it really strengthened our friendship. But we never were romantic, although slept on the ground under the stars together and etc...

    Eventually we went separate ways and it tore me up, he haunted my dreams for a long time... I thought I was over him until he contacted me months later and we wound up traveling to Alaska together... We built a life there starting from nothing, living out of my truck at first, camping on a river. I confronted my feelings for him right away, because we would sometimes sleep together but he wouldn't let me touch him. We would cuddle just a little bit...

    He said to me at some point "we are a couple", and we spent literally all our time together. Our co-workers thought we were gay, and he didn't care about his image that way. But while we acted like a couple, it was totally platonic. I told him all the time how I felt, we talked very openly. We would joke around about being gay, I accepted him as my best friend... But I would think about him constantly and wished he would touch me. We would also fight about it when i would get emotional and ask him why he was unavailable to me. I remember one time crying at a campfire with just the two of us, saying why can't we be together?

    I could never get over the love I felt for him. We lived on that river beach 2 different times for months at a time, we lived in a school bus together, and in a small cabin which we rennovated. He was a dark person in general, quiet, not too emotional, and I'm so opposite of that. But I loved him endlessly and he loved me too, he would tell me so.

    I've never been so open with a person who I could talk to about gay feelings and girls as well. We both had short lived relationships with girls too, at different times, (which may have ended because we preferred to just be with each other) But I saw it as very unhealthy for me to be so obsessed with him.

    I left him in winter knowing I needed space from him. I thought I could end it but we kept messaging eachother literally every day while apart for 5 months. We made plans to go back to Alaska and this summer we were running a small company together.

    As time past we fought more, and enjoyed spending time together less. We still were constantly around eachother, living and working together. Depression hit him hard at some point, truly because of our relationship. He was finding it impossible to find a girlfriend or get laid. For me it's 100% "falling in love with your straight best friend", except that he loved me back and so we couldnt help but it turning into a real relationship, however because he was totally homophobic it could never be right.

    We went through so much together including a couple extreme acid trips, and we would spend days (even weeks) in the wilderness seeing no people. It was very bonding. Towards the end though we'd just sit in silence alot... Sometimes he wouldn't talk all day...

    But anyway, after the summer in Alaska, we wound up in Mexico and Belize aimlessly searching to buy a sailboat together. One drunken night in Cancun, we fought, I kissed him, and it turned into a fist fight. He left me that night, but he came back. We had basically had enough of each other by this point and the dream to get this boat together fell apart.

    He taught me how to surf in Puerto Escondido, we spent a week playing in the waves, and I didn't know when I'd see him again.

    I went on to buy the sailboat alone, in Florida, and with the help of a girlfriend for about a month, and a few months on my own, I traveled all through the Bahamas. I sent him a message at some point telling him how it really hurt to be apart. After that we stopped talking, but still I'd get the occasional message...

    I didn't know when I would come back to the states, but that all changed when my little sailboat sunk in Haiti. That's a story all of it's own! I have nowhere to call home, and truly the only place that feels like home to me is when I'm around him. I told him what was happening when it did, and he got me my job to come back to the shop in Alaska.

    So here I am back on that river. Maybe we fought before, maybe I've hated him just as much as loved him... But when we see each other we just stare into each other's eyes, like I know his thoughts, I've never been in love before and never felt so strongly about anyone. We've already taken off 3 times this week hiking or bicycling alone together. And he's living in his van, we've been camping together too.

    But I've made sure to not spend every night with him; trying to give him space because he's been dating a girl for a few months, and I've been here one week and he's already breaking up with her... I don't think he realizes... He wants that emotional bond like we had in the past and still have, and it seems to be something neither of us have ever felt before or can have with anyone else. I honestly think he feels the exact same feelings for me that I feel for him.

    But I also know he can't accept those feelings. I feel like he's my soulmate and however unhealthy this relationship has been for me I just can't escape it. Today I ditched him... We've been together every day since I've been back and I really don't want this beautiful feeling of being "back together" to fade. And... once alone in the mountains I started feeling that same crushing pain I always used to feel when I was without him. That pain has become such a part of my life. But tonight... I wonder if he's laying somewhere and missing me like I miss him.

    So what do you guys think I should do? I'll mention that I have tried being very open to him about my feelings and he says he has no intimate feelings for me. He's totally straight, and says he's not in love with me. But he's also said he has emotional issues, he's never been able to feel in love with anyone. He says he's not in love with me, but he acts like he is. But I know he's terrified of touching a penis. Lol.

    So for now Im not saying anything whatsoever about our relationship and just helping by talking to him about his troubles with this girlfriend and being supportive. Also I plan to give him more space than I did in our past summers. Maybe he'll see he really does want to be near me, possibly as despretly as I want to be near him? It's just so hard for me, because although I'm very independent I really feel like I NEED him. Or at least I want romance with him more than I've ever wanted anything. So what I'm wondering is how can I break down his walls? Or any other advice about how to take care of myself and my feelings...

    Thanks for reading, and maybe there's no good advice for me, I'll just have to go with the flow and try not to be too sad over it.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Mikey, it doesn't sound like you want to move on with your life and that's something you'll have to reconcile with yourself. No one on earth can help you move on if you truly don't want to. These are just my thoughts only.

    You also seem to be drifting without any real purpose in life and this might be causing you to linger in the same cycle. I'm referring to the constant moving back and forth to and from Alaska, living out of campsites and vans and from one job to another without any long term career plans. I think you are also depressed and feeling isolated because of your sexuality and your overriding thoughts of one person are clouding all your other decisions. You're just simply not doing anything useful with yourself. I'm sorry to sound harsh but this is a go-nowhere kind of existence that is painful in itself without the added complication of an unfulfilling, one-sided relationship.

    The choice is really yours whether you want to grow or stay in this cycle of nothingness. This friend of yours is not going to reciprocate how you feel no matter how strongly you feel and there's absolutely nothing you can do to force someone to feel a certain way- this would be manipulation, coercion and just plain wrong. You're not accepting it for some reason and I think it has to do with your fears and possible insecurities surrounding other areas of your life.

    You're not taking yourself seriously. I mean this in the sense where you're not taking yourself seriously in terms of your past, your present or your future, honouring your precious time on earth or using your life meaningfully. Why would anyone else take you seriously? Start taking yourself seriously and valuing your time on this earth. Make use of this life instead of wandering around aimlessly across the globe. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with travel and globetrotting but with you, it seems more like an indicator of unrest and turmoil rather than contentment, strength or peace. You're broken and in a lot of pain. Face your fears, whatever fears have driven you to Alaska or Mexico or caused you to be so uprooted and unsteady. You'll need to ground yourself and find peace.

  3. #3
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    I think you need to start accepting that the life you dream of with him is very unlikely to happen.

    When you feel compelled to break down someone's walls in order for them to be with you, well, it usually doesn't have a happy ending. Why? Because the person might respond for a little while, but eventually be unhappy that this isn't a choice they made completely on their own volition without any coaxing from a third party. It's a recipe for resentment.

    While I concede that your friend sounds conflicted, all you can do is listen to him and respect his assertion that he has no romantic feelings for you. I think you are largely projecting your feelings onto him while underestimating the fact that in 4 years, he has not been intimate with you. His desire to keep things mostly platonic between you has outweighed his desire to explore with you. That is not an insignificant choice.

    It won't be easy, but the best choice here is probably going to be wish him well and navigate your life forward without him. You've lived in hope for far too long already, and it still hasn't gotten any closer to your dream of being with him.

  4. #4
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    I'm sorry that you're going through this, of course it hurts, but I don't actually think that this guy wants to be with you. Whether he is just so badly in the closet or whether he's just not in love with you, the point is you haven't been a couple. You have done nothing intimate at all and the only time you actually tried to kiss him, he ended up punching you.

    I think deep down you know that this relationship is really unhealthy. You're so addicted to this guy that you can't freely live your life. You could probably meet other guys and even eventually fall in love with someone else, except you're not letting yourself do that. Stop torturing yourself like this! You are always sitting there waiting for your friend to change his mind about dating you, while he sees other people. Honestly though I think if he really loved you or at least was sexually attracted to you, he would have done something physical by now.

    I'm actually bisexual and a lot of my friends are GLBTIQ. From my experience, sexuality can be on a spectrum. Like, when people say they're bisexual, it might be not 50/50. It might be like 80/20. Like, maybe he's bi curious but he largely prefers women? Sexuality can be fluid so he could be emotionally attracted to you but not sexually. In any case, he keeps saying he's straight and he doesn't love you in that way, so maybe he partially means that.

    I don't think he's your soul mate because a soulmate would want to be with you 100%. They would not want to let you go and they would be all in. This guy is all wrong for you.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    Mikey, I don't think he is gay. He doesn't seem to want to be with you sexually. So what you have is just a strong (and toxic, it sounds) friendship.

  7. #6
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    100% "falling in love with your straight best friend", except that he loved me back and so we couldnt help but it turning into a real relationship, however because he was totally homophobic it could never be right.

    just because someone has no sexual desire for you does not mean they are homophobic!

    There are people of some ethnic backgrounds where its more normal to verbally express love for same gender friends and its not weird or homosexual. You could feel like a brother to him, too.
    He told you right from the beginning that he didn't have an interest in you sexually. And you will not accept that. You decide instead to think that he feels the same way and is scared or homophobic.

    You ARE though, a terribly codependent person and have no respect for people's boundaries. Please seek counseling if you can. But the first step is to accept that he is not interested in a sexual relationship with you.

  8. #7
    Hey so I appreciate the advice.

    First off though, I know this kid inside and out at this point. I know he is homophobic, like literally afraid to embrace this connection we have. And he's told me he is homophobic. Yes I need counseling, that's why I'm posting this. Don't judge me. I think I am manipulative, and thats not good... As far as my wandering, the way I've been living my life is the only path for me right now. It has been very rewarding, and I'm not sure how I'll ever settle down. But I hope that I can, because I do despretly need to be grounded.

    Partly that lifestyle is why me and him have ended up together, I don't know anyone else who is so lost in these travels or anyone else who will drop everything and come with me. I hope to find home eventually, because my home with him is not fullfilling. I do like meeting people and have had other relationships, but none that satisfy me like the connection I have with him. I've been very alone recently... And still after all that I did not meet someone new and have found myself back with him again. I can be antisocial, and sometimes can't relate to people. He is the same way, and traveling and living in the woods together is very bonding.

    I'm just venting here so thanks for reading. Everything that happened between us is in the past now. All the fights we've had, all the conversations about love for each other and life, all that is in the past and all it served was to bring us very close. And actually this whole topic is starting to feel stale to me, which is good because maybe I'll finally be free of it. But...

    I'm just lost on how to go forward. Well I guess I know what to do... Because I am independent. This is just a very sad town here in Alaska, and yet it always seems to bring me back. I am a spiritual person, and I think I'm here for closure with him. Or whatever the reason, it has something to do with him.

    The problem I'm trying to express is I WANT to be with him so badly and I guess I'd do crazy things to get what I want. However impossible. I know he's never had a bond with someone like he has had with me either, and neither one of us will let it die. But I know I can't make someone gay. This is very unhealthy for me to keep hoping for his love but I'm just trapped in this feeling. I've never been in love before, and I hope someday I can feel this way about someone who would reciprocate it. And maybe he will come around, but there's nothing I can do to force that. I'm also not waiting for it. But... I don't really know how to meet someone else. I generally just wait for God to arrange it haha... and act when it happens. But at some point I'm gonna turn on Grindr and get laid. It would be cool to date a dude around here. I guess...

    Really though, I also like to be alone and need to be alone. When I'm with him it is like being alone. Only with a warm fuzzy feeling of being near him, and all I want is to cuddle with him. I can't understand how he could not feel that as well. Maybe we aren't soulmates, and I just wish we were. I can't understand the mind of a straight guy I guess, but maybe he should stop torturing me with these romantic dinners together where we're playing footsies or these long hikes in the mountains where we lay beside each other by streams. How can I let it go...?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why not join some LGBT groups, clubs etc? Also get a good profile/pics up on grindr and other gay friendly dating apps. It up to you to seek out gay men interested in dating you. Don't get stuck on unavailable people including straight men.


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