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Thread: Long distance boyfriend has been ignoring me.

  1. #1

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    Long distance boyfriend has been ignoring me.

    So I'm in an ldr with my bf. We used to live in the same state, but he is currently doing his PhD across the country. Lately we haven't been talking much. He's always been bad at replying to messages and stuff. But this time it's horrible.

    Initially I felt it's because both of us are too stubborn to break the silence. It kinda started when I had my exams 3 weeks ago. I didnt really reply to his texts as fast as I usually would. But I immediately asked him if he wanted to vc the night of my final paper, but he said he was busy. I mean, nothing wrong with that. But that never changed. I would shoot a text to him, only to get a half-assed response or no response at all. It's kinda hurtful, but I kind left it at that for a bit.

    He haven't had a genuine conversation for nearly 3 weeks or so.

    On Thursday, I was upset about something else and texted him again, all upset telling him that I didnt feel like he missed me and didnt feel included in this life. Etc.. so he agreed to Skype on Friday night. Well, it was a no-show. He didn't even reply to my text until Saturday night, only after sending several more his way.

    He told me that he's feeling real burnout and that my constant worrying isn't doing him any favors. He said he doesn't blame me, but he Hope's that I understand where he's coming from. He says that he sees my messages, but he often times forgets to reply to them.

    I was extremely dramatic at this point, telling him how much I missed him. But he failed to reciprocate any of that. It's extremely hurtful.

    He basically ended the conversation saying that he's going to continue his work and that I shouldn't worry about him, he'll text me when he gets some free time.

    I cried a little after that, but it made me worry for him too. I don't know how much of pressure he's going through, so it's possible that my constant nagging might seem to exacerbate his situation. But I'm feeling so neglected because he isn't satisfying my emotional needs one bit.

    I know it sounds like I'm giving him a lot of leeway. But that's just because I don't want to further stress him out by arguing with him.

    But I feel so trapped right now. I don't know what I should do about this. I really wish he could at least understand where I'm coming from. I understand that texting isn't the most reliable method of communication, for that reason I figured it would be a good idea to Skype and figure things out, but even that doesn't seem viable at the moment.

    TL;DR: boyfriend goes on days without replying. Forgets scheduled Skype calls and texts I sent him.
    Last edited by Snowzxyz; 05-20-2019 at 05:50 AM.

  2. #2
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    I admit it's not looking too good, OP. How long have you been together, and how often do you spend time together in person?

    I would stop trying to reach him for now. I realize this will be very hard, but I would step back. Observe. See if he does in fact take the initiative to contact you. He wants space, clearly, so I would give it to him - and myself. I would need some time to think about what this all means for the greater prospects of the relationship.

    However, I would not let it go on indefinitely before deciding what you want to do. Do you think you can reasonably maintain a relationship with someone who needs this amount of space? How long are you able to take some breathing room before the relationship just becomes untenable for you?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Some of your language is raising serious red flags and I'd suspect it's better for you to call a spade a spade and step away from this relationship. It's simply not fulfilling to you and it's becoming detrimental to your emotional and mental health. You've used words like "half-assed", "no show", "burnt out", "dramatic", "failed to reciprocate", "extremely hurtful", "cried", "worry", "neglected", "isn't satisfying my emotional needs", "goes on days without replying".

    You're both very disconnected. If there is a disconnect, regardless of time or space or what is said, there will be a terrible void and a break down of communication and connection between a couple. Your language above really suggests that you're torn and unable to figure out why someone would treat another person this way and that's your gut instincts telling you that this isn't right. He may be busy but it also shows to me that he's either not ready to be in a relationship or he doesn't know how to balance his studies and personal life. This is a major issue. If you sense that an individual isn't able to make room or adequately show you that he/she is capable of including you in his/her life, this is a red flag! Count this as a blessing that it's shown itself now rather than later.

    If you are unsure, bide your time and see what amounts to it in a few months and if it keeps up. I don't believe in rash decisions especially around any specific period like exams. You should know deep down what this is and what you should do about it no matter how much it hurts you. I think you're stronger than this pain or the pain of an unfulfilling relationship.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I'm really sorry but I think you need to face the fact that he is doing the slow fade on you.

    It's not that he forgets to text you back, it's that he sees your message and doesn't bother to respond. When long distance, you basically had a virtual date set up and he stood you up. That's the same as if he had stood you in real life and left you sitting alone in a restaurant waiting on him to show up. You tell him that you miss him, he doesn't respond in kind.

    I'm sorry OP, but this relationship is over. Don't string yourself along anymore or spend another day crying. This guy doesn't even have the basic decency to just end things with you, he'd rather just ignore you and drag this out in a slow and painful way until you finally get tired of being sad and hurt and dump. What a coward. You deserve better, starting with having peace of mind. Breaking up hurts, but what you are dealing with now...is worse. Give him what he wants and boot him and give yourself your peace of mind and sanity back, not to mention freedom to meet a good guy locally who actually wants to be with you, talk to you, respond, communicate, etc.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    Significant others, no matter the distance, make time for each other. It literally takes 10 seconds to see a text, read it, and type out even a half-assed reply. So don't tell me that he is so busy in his life, 24 hours per day, that he can't make time to connect with you.


    Sorry, OP, but I'd drop this guy like a hot potato. Find someone that's got communication goals that are more similar to yours.

  7. #6
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    I'm sorry to hear this. Unfortunately, most long distance relationships don;t work out.

  8. #7

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    I admit it's not looking too good, OP. How long have you been together, and how often do you spend time together in person?

    I would stop trying to reach him for now. I realize this will be very hard, but I would step back. Observe. See if he does in fact take the initiative to contact you. He wants space, clearly, so I would give it to him - and myself. I would need some time to think about what this all means for the greater prospects of the relationship.

    However, I would not let it go on indefinitely before deciding what you want to do. Do you think you can reasonably maintain a relationship with someone who needs this amount of space? How long are you able to take some breathing room before the relationship just becomes untenable for you?
    I'm just so devastated because his change was was sudden. We've been together for nearly 2 years (since November 2017) and we usually see one another every 4 months or so. I'm not even sure if I'll see him this summer. Last time we talked about this, I told him that he should stay if the workload gets too hectic, but I still haven't gotten an answer from him about that.

    I'm really hoping he will contact me, like he said he would. How long should I give him before bringing it up again.

    Those are really hard questions to answer. I really do care for him and he has never been bad like this. I just feel like this is a phase of huge stress and pressure he's going through.

    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Some of your language is raising serious red flags and I'd suspect it's better for you to call a spade a spade and step away from this relationship. It's simply not fulfilling to you and it's becoming detrimental to your emotional and mental health. You've used words like "half-assed", "no show", "burnt out", "dramatic", "failed to reciprocate", "extremely hurtful", "cried", "worry", "neglected", "isn't satisfying my emotional needs", "goes on days without replying".

    You're both very disconnected. If there is a disconnect, regardless of time or space or what is said, there will be a terrible void and a break down of communication and connection between a couple. Your language above really suggests that you're torn and unable to figure out why someone would treat another person this way and that's your gut instincts telling you that this isn't right. He may be busy but it also shows to me that he's either not ready to be in a relationship or he doesn't know how to balance his studies and personal life. This is a major issue. If you sense that an individual isn't able to make room or adequately show you that he/she is capable of including you in his/her life, this is a red flag! Count this as a blessing that it's shown itself now rather than later.

    If you are unsure, bide your time and see what amounts to it in a few months and if it keeps up. I don't believe in rash decisions especially around any specific period like exams. You should know deep down what this is and what you should do about it no matter how much it hurts you. I think you're stronger than this pain or the pain of an unfulfilling relationship.
    Leaving him is my final option. I'll only end it if I've exhausted everything else. I'll admit the thought has definitely crossed my mind but I feel like it's such a huge leap to take. He was a completely different person 5 months ago. I'm sure this is only temporary and I can change him back to how he used to be. I'm willing to endure this because I know he will treat me right eventually. I mean, if he's bad at balancing different aspects of his life, I think it's an issue that can be solved. I'm definitely willing to help him through this if he lets me in.


    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    I'm really sorry but I think you need to face the fact that he is doing the slow fade on you.

    It's not that he forgets to text you back, it's that he sees your message and doesn't bother to respond. When long distance, you basically had a virtual date set up and he stood you up. That's the same as if he had stood you in real life and left you sitting alone in a restaurant waiting on him to show up. You tell him that you miss him, he doesn't respond in kind.

    I'm sorry OP, but this relationship is over. Don't string yourself along anymore or spend another day crying. This guy doesn't even have the basic decency to just end things with you, he'd rather just ignore you and drag this out in a slow and painful way until you finally get tired of being sad and hurt and dump. What a coward. You deserve better, starting with having peace of mind. Breaking up hurts, but what you are dealing with now...is worse. Give him what he wants and boot him and give yourself your peace of mind and sanity back, not to mention freedom to meet a good guy locally who actually wants to be with you, talk to you, respond, communicate, etc.
    But I really don't want it to be over This guy used to be one of the sweetest, caring and and thoughtful person I know. He's always been emotionally reclusive, but he was always different towards me. I really feel that he doesn't mean to actually hurt me and the issues he's facing himself is causing him to act this way, when he otherwise wouldn't. Should I at least try talking to him if he still feels like he cares for me? I can't imagine what I'll do ending things here and then finding out that I wasn't there for him when he needed me, or if he ends up back to his old self again.

    Originally Posted by WithLove
    Significant others, no matter the distance, make time for each other. It literally takes 10 seconds to see a text, read it, and type out even a half-assed reply. So don't tell me that he is so busy in his life, 24 hours per day, that he can't make time to connect with you.


    Sorry, OP, but I'd drop this guy like a hot potato. Find someone that's got communication goals that are more similar to yours.
    I think when he replies he feels the need to give me thoughtful replies, and he'd rather give me no reply than to give me careless ones.

    I'm very hesitant to even think about dumping him. What if he changes? I'd have no issue helping him with that too.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You had a Skype date for a Friday night. He literally stood you up without a word. Didn't even bother to say "sorry, something came up". This is an unmitigated coward move. In fact, he ignored you until the following day. OP, what do you think he was soooo busy with on a Friday night and all through Saturday until he finally deigned to text you back? Did he ever explain himself? Did he ever apologize? Sorry, OP, I went to grad school and it's not THAT busy that you can't at least say sorry I'm too behind on x and will continue working.

    The trouble with moving, OP, is new people, new opportunities, new dynamic and an old relationship rarely survives that kind of change, especially long distance. I doubt that he is busy in the way you want to believe.

    Anyway, yes do talk to him...IF he'll bother talking with you that is. I think you do need to try and get to that point where you are actually comfortable ending things and right now, you aren't there yet.


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