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Thread: Confused !

  1. #1

    Join Date
    May 2019
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    Confused !

    Basically Iím looking for abit of advice if anyone has a minute or two spare.

    So basically, around a year ago I found out my mother had lung cancer, she lived in the Midlands, I live in London. Iím a chef of 15 years, been running lots of restaurants across the country. When I found out about my motherís illness with a week I quit my job and sank into deep depression/shut down emotionally. I couldnít move their at the time (she had a lot of people around her anyway and I naively thought she would be okay, my mum told me to stay in London for my career and my wife also wanted to stay in London) sheís American we fell deeply in love and have been married for 3 years and in relationship for 5.

    I decided that I would go back and cook her healthy vegan meals every 2 weeks or so to try and fight the cancer so thatís what I did, my wife agreed to be the breadwinner for a while. I would spend 15 hours in my mums home kitchen every few weeks making healthy meals she could freeze and that would last until my next visit.

    Unfortunately the lung cancer spread to the brain, she had surgery in September of last year to remove it, we all thought it was going to be okay. Well the surgery agrivated the tumour (a spec of it was left behind) and by mid October had doubled in size. She unfortunately slipped into a coma so I had to go back and thatís what I did I moved back and we home cared for her. Water through a syringe, sat next to her bed 24hours a day, my wife came back to help every weekend. On the 28th of December the invetiable happened and I held my motherís hand (age 51) and watched her take her last breath on this earth something that will stick in my mind forever. She was my world, my dad left when I was 3 so she was both my mother and father. A big loss...

    In January I stayed around helped plan the funeral, she eventually got buried on the 25th of January. Then I came back to London, my mum left me over 200k which is currently in the probate stage, something I was going to use to set up my own pop up restaurant around healthy eating, something named after her.

    Although I have cheffed for a long time and love cooking and being creative one thing I donít miss is the culture, late nights, drinking, cocaine abuse, eating late if at all (unbalanced lifestyle) due to the nature of the industry hence I held back jumping straight back in, I have an addictive personality and decided I will use the money instead under my terms still doing what I love but with a more balanced life.

    That is and was the plan, in late February my grandma had a heart attack so I went back and spent some time with her in Somerset. I came back to London and could tell my wife was distant almost offish not the same happy woman I married. I let it carry on then around 3 weeks ago I just had an inkling due to some major signs and told her one morning I know everything someone told me what has been going on but I canít name who (obviously not true) more of a trick. She confirmed everything that morning that she was having an emotional affair and had hooked up twice with some coworker, not a friend but someone I have met before and invited into my house. 24 year old guy, lost his dad, I listened to his story and sat with him for hours one night ages ago.

    She told me it all started in January, he told her I was lucky to have her and she felt ďweirdĒ she said she broke it off when I came back but has confusing feelings towards him... part of the reason she moved jobs recently.

    I told her that if she deletes his number we can figure it all out, I love the woman to bits. My mother told me before she died she feels okay leaving me knowing I have someone like that by my side. My wifeís natural reaction was I canít give up a two year friendship, which left me thinking your happy to give up a 5 year relationship though after everything. She eventually agreed but we decided to take a break within 3 days she told me that we should break up. Which obviously broke my heart even further...

    We have spoke every day since via text met up twice she says Iím like family and we should hang out every 2 weeks do something fun. She said that she loves me but not in a romantic way anymore but wants me in her life forever and if we were to get back together I need to reignite that spark or do something different to make her fall back in love that way?

    Iím not sure what is going on at this stage but Iím sat in a flat alone in London thinking what the actual F***, Iím currently living off my savings waiting for my inheritance to drop. I might goto Australia for abit (I have a couple good friends out there) or I may just get my business plan down.

    The problem is the last three weeks Iíve spent listening to music smashing coke, drinking and wallowing in self pity and itís hard to find any motivation to get better right now. I have been to my doctors and been put on a waiting list for therapy something maybe 10 years in the making.

    Iím currently 31 years old and feel abit confused almost lost... anyone got any ideas? What should I do continue to see her try reignite the passion tell her to stay out my life? I do love her deeply more than Iíve loved any woman but Itís all been abit crazy and Iím a lost soul.

  2. #2
    Bronze Member
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    Apr 2018
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    I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. I have to say, you don't really get to know someone until you weather the seasons with them. It's only been a 5 year relationship and your wife has already cheated on you shortly around/during the same time that your mother was terminally ill....

    That's a hard pill to swallow, imo. Even though you love her, this is the early days and there couldn't be a worse time for cheating to occur. I personally feel like that says a bit about the character of someone. You ask her to end the relationship, she defends the man and the "friendship" over your relationship, and then has the gall to ask you to do something so that the spark is back?? Honestly, this may be who she is. She might be a woman that's fine in the good times or otherwise with superficial living and bails when hits the fan.

    I have no idea what happens with inheritance in the event of a separation or a divorce, but I would get to a lawyer to see how you can protect your assets.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
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    Hi and sorry about your mum!

    I know itís hard but you need to try and self motivate.
    You canít do it while drinking and taking coke.
    Easier said than done I realise.

    I think you should move from London. At this point you are only staying there for an ex wife who has cheated on you when times got tough instead of sticking to her vows she made to you.

    Move back to the midlands. Get out of the late night industry and instead plan on opening a small cafť dedicated to your mum in an area she loved to frequent.

    Start planning!
    When the business is up and running you can plan to visit Australia. But donít go now because itís not the best place for you with your current addictions. Pubs open 24 hrs and cocaine is rife. You would end up blowing your mums effort to pass on inheritance.

    Take care!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm sorry for the loss of your mum. You'll need to work out your addictions, get clean and sort yourself out. Use your savings and the inheritance conservatively, put a chunk of it towards long term savings/investments and retirement. The restaurant industry is not easy especially in your situation. You can't afford to allow those addictions to run out of control now. I think you stand a good chance of turning your life around but you're on a dangerous border between spiraling out of control and regaining control. You can make that choice for yourself. Get help for your addictions first.

    Regarding your marriage, I think it's over. She's being honest with you and you shouldn't beat yourself up or guilt-trip yourself for it. It's not the end of the world. Let her go. This means being realistic and not agreeing to be best pals. That's not how a break up works. Move on. Start turning your life around.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    he problem is the last three weeks Iíve spent listening to music smashing coke, drinking and wallowing in self pity and itís hard to find any motivation to get better right now.
    First off, stop doing that. You don't want an addiction to it (you admit to having an addictive personality) and end up snorting your entire nest egg up your nose. Go to AA if need be and get the support of people that have gone through as much as you and more. It will get you through the night. These meetings are everywhere just google for one near you.

    As for your marriage. Do not let your wife friend zone you while she effs some other guy. That will diminish your already emotional state further down the rabbit hole then it already is. Instead, ask her to go to marriage counseling with you to help you get yourselves back to the emotional connection she once had while she cuts off all contact to the cuckhold she's embroiled with. If she won't agree to that then cut her off, see a lawyer about dissolving of assets etc and rely on your AA friends and other friends to help you through your loss.

    Whatever you do, do not let her have her cake and eat it too or you will give her zero reason to come back to you.

    I feel for you and what you've been through but don't let it ruin you, your health, your finances. Your mother wouldn't want you squandering away what she worked hard to build and leave you. Don't keep a wife that doesn't want to be your wife around long enough to help you spend that inheritance.

    Here, inheritance is not considered as a joint asset. Find out what the laws are there before probate ends.


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