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Thread: Communication Issues with my BF

  1. #1

    Communication Issues with my BF

    My boyfriend [22] and I [20] have been dating for a year and a half. We have both been very good with communication and were like best friends until January of this year when his mom's uncle died. Death is something that really messes with him, so when this happened he pushed me away, stopped talking to me and then eventually broke up with me the day after V-Day. A couple days later he said he realized he made a mistake and we got back together. Things were back to normal for a while, but now my bf is busy with his Correctional Officer training. He has his training from 7-6 Monday-Thursday and Fridays he hangs with his guy friends and does random stuff on the weekends. He never tries to make plans with me anymore and as the days go by his responses get shorter and shorter and take longer to get from him. I tried talking to him about it and he just said he was tired and busy. I took his word for it, but now I'm going on day 2 of not hearing from him. I can see that he is on social media but he hasn't opened my messages or tried to reach out to me. I'm worried about this because I feel like he is pushing me away again like he did January and I feel like I'm being ghosted. I realize this post is long and all over the place but if I could get any type of advice that would be great. Thank you!

  2. #2
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    I have a bad feeling about this. I'm not believing he took it THAT hard that his great uncle died to the point he couldn't cope with life and had to break up with you. I smell a lot of bs here. I'm sorry but I suspect something else is going on. It's not nice to say but it wouldn't surprise me that he has another interest somewhere else and he's being a coward.

  3. #3
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    Why are you sending him messages on social media?

    He is your bf. Not a social media friend.
    Call him.
    Are you making plans with him or waiting on him to make plans with you?
    If you are relying on social media to communicate with your bf then I would say no , your communication is not good between you.

  4. #4
    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    You've tried to talk to him about this, you've been more patient and understanding with all of it than most would be. You've put in your effort, but now it's time for him to do the same. At this point, as difficult as it may be for you, it's time to back off. Don't message him, don't call him, and you just do you. Focus on other things like work, school, friends or whatever you have in your life to stay busy and distracted. Give what you get, basically. Maybe he does just need space and guy time for a bit and he'll come back around once he's sorted some things out.

    Sometimes space is all it takes to fix everything, but obviously you shouldn't wait around forever. If things don't get better after giving him that space, then it's time to end it. He's either too busy for you or just doesn't feel the way about you he used to.

    But if things do go back to being good after leaving him alone for a bit, definitely don't ever let it become a pattern. This giving of space is kind gesture on your part and not something he can use as evidence that he's allowed to dip in and out of your life as he pleases. And if you need a partner that's more available than he's able to be, at any point, you're just not compatible and you should find someone who wants to spend just as much time with you as you do with them.

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  6. #5
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    I don't think he's pushing you away as much as he is fading out of the relationship.

    It seems to me that he has lost interest but hasn't yet had the courage to break up with you definitively. I would not reach out to him again at this point; he knows you're trying to contact him and he's choosing not to respond.

    I'm sorry OP, but I think you should brace yourself for a break-up. His silence coupled with his overall dissipating enthusiasm about seeing you and talking to you doesn't bode well.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You've been dating for a year and a half and things were fine up until January. That means 18 months of good days and 4 months of not so good days. Look at it a bit more big picture and see whether it helps or if it points to other details.

    Different people react different to death. I'm sorry to say this even if it sounds callous or harsh but this was his mum's uncle. It's likely he's lived a long and prosperous life considering the family relation here and the fact that his mum's uncle was likely at a ripe old age. Was he? If it was a good long life and it was his time to go, there should be some respect for the loved one passing onto the next life or simply passing on (if you're not religious). If there was illness in the family, this often causes questions regarding care of a loved one, end of life questions and other questions surrounding death or the meaning of life.

    I'm surprised that your boyfriend is training for work as a correctional officer and he's unable to deal with the death of extended family in a more healthy way regardless of how any one individual deals with death. Correctional officers deal with other phases of life and a lot harder situations on a day to day basis and confront any number of traumas and issues/abuses which can cause a person to question life itself.

    I think he may be mentally and emotionally drained and possibly questioning his very purpose and training on top of processing everything else. He's insecure and unsure about himself. Someone who neglects a relationship or lets things fall to the wayside or keeps another human being in the lurch is strongly indicative of a person who is not all there mentally/emotionally. I think your gut feelings are right that he's on a different plane(of thought and being).

    I'm not suggesting this if you don't feel comfortable with it - it's only what I would do. I wouldn't put any pressure on him to be a certain way and I wouldn't keep sending text messages in any format. Let him reach out to you when he's ready. If you feel like you need a boyfriend and companion who is more present and there are other issues in the relationship where you don't see any future in general, cut him loose. Otherwise, I'd practice a bit more patience and let him come to you.

  8. #7
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    If he is sane and if he seriously loved you, the death in the family would bring you closer together, not tear you apart.

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    I don't really have much more to offer on the relationship than others have said but I'm going to drop one thought in. It might in no way be relevant but when I was in my early 20s, I had a relative die who I honestly wasn't all that close to and it kicked me right in the pants. Not because of who it was but because it was the first person I had lost as an adult and I suddenly became painfully aware of my own mortality in a way I never had been before. I'm not saying that's what has happened here but I'm just mentioning it as a possible explanation for why a death, even not a close one, could change a person.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you Are being ghosted. He's using the slow-fade method of breaking up. The real breakup was in Feb. Stop contacting him.
    Originally Posted by kayjackson98
    broke up with me the day after V-Day. I tried talking to him about it and he just said he was tired and busy. . I feel like he is pushing me away again like he did January and I feel like I'm being ghosted.


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