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Finally ready to be with best friend but now he has a girlfriend


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My best guy friend and I used to be so close everyone thought we were boyfriend and girlfriend. He was always the one wanting more and I always said maybe one day, but that I couldn't yet. I was going through problems for a few years, he knew about them of course, and helped me so much and supported me through it all and said that he didn't care that I was going through problems or what people thought, that he wanted to be with me regardless of anything and that it didn't make sense to wait until my life was on track. I loved him so much but I just couldn't think about being in a relationship with the problems I was having and how unhappy I was with my life, and I think I even convinced myself I only liked him as a best friend. Once we were watching a movie and he asked me if I would be his girlfriend with the most serious face and waited anxiously for me to answer, looking at me with open eyes and I said "no" and he almost cried. He was so sad. I said "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I love you so much but I can't". He never formally asked me again but we talked extensively about one day maybe being together, even though I think he never took me seriously. Fast forward to now, I am so much happier with my life and have solved a lot of issues (couldn't have done it without him. He continued to support me and be the best friend I've ever had and didn't hold any resentment towards me. He always respected me and my decision), and I cry thinking about that night because I think I ruined my life because of my fears. He has a girlfriend now and it pains me so much. I love him so much that I want him to be happy, but I am finally ready to be with him, sooner than I expected when we had those "maybe one day" talks (I would always say "5 years from now") and I know we are perfect for each other and we could be so happy together. We are obviously not as close as we once were because he wants to be respectful towards her (we used to kiss on the lips sometimes, sleep on the same bed, cuddle. We don't do that anymore, of course) and because he is spending time with her that he used to spend with me, but we are still best friends. He keeps his distance, though, emotionally and physically, and it hurts me a lot. I look at him and I just want to slap myself in the face. I don't know what I was thinking for the last few years. I want us to be together so much. He is the love of my love and the perfect person for me. I miss him so much. I think he knows he is hurting me but he doesn't want to leave her. I don't know if he doesn't feel the same about me anymore or what. I feel like he doesn't love me as much as he used to, but that could be from us not being as close because he can't now. It was not the girlfriend that made me realize I wanted to be with him now, not 5 years from now, it was being in a much better place in life and happier than I was. Both things just happened at basically the same time. I feel like I ruined my life. I don't want to be dramatic, I know I can be happy on my own, but I know we could be so happy together and we are wasting something really good. I don't know what to do. I would appreciate your help.

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This is a conundrum. On the one hand, you should tell him what you've told us and see what happens. But that may not be fair to his current girlfriend. On the other hand, who knows how serious he is with this girl and maybe he views her as a placeholder until you come around.

 

Therefore, here's my recommendation (and I'm sure I'll get some nasty flak from this message board): as objectively as possible, ask yourself if he's truly happy with his current girlfriend. If the answer is yes, continue what you've been doing and respect his current relationship. If you think he's not really happy with her, then tell him what you told us.

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Hello. From my reply you will think that i'm judging you, but i won't. Your situation sucks, and it's hard to do something right now.

I know you said you have personal problems, you were not happy with your life, but since this guy was so ok you should've reconsider what you want when he asked you, you should've told him that you need some time to think about it. You friendzoned him and probably he kinda moved on. It happened to me too, i was like him, thing is that every people realises that is losing something good long after it's gone. We as humans want things that we could have back then and we can't have now cuz time and experiences changes us.

My advice for you is to talk with him and tell him how do you feel. There's a small chance the he hasn't moved on and might choose you over his current girlfriend (if it's not a long relationship). If it's a long relationship, you can still tell him to get it out of your chest and move on as well. There are a lot of guys that might like you and you don't realise, good guys, better than him. Trust me, with all the respect i'm saying this, but it's so painful to get friendzoned after u get emotionally involved with someone. Happened to me so many times that i just had enough one day, and now i keep some limits. I still love the girl that friendzoned me, i love the out of her, but at the same time i realise that we weren't meant to be together, now i'm signle, she's in a relationship, she moved on, i moved on (the part that i don't want to get into a relationship with her).

 

I'm sorry if i gave you bad news or something, but i repeat and i guess you know it now, it's so depressing to be refused when you have a crush on someone.

I hope tho he will choose you over his girlfriend, and maybe be happy together. :)

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Hi,

 

I am so sorry for what you are going through and I have been there myself.

 

I wish I had something better to tell you, but I can only be honest. You need to leave him alone and let him enjoy his relationship. You need to think about what *he* wants, if indeed you really love him.

 

More importantly however we need to address the fact that you're doubting yourself. If ever you think you're not ready for something, follow that instinct. You didn't get into a relationship with him for very valid reasons. It's easy to kick yourself after the fact, but anything could have happened had you hooked with him when he wanted to. It's important imo that you stop thinking that everything would be fine if you had done differently. Trust yourself. And btw, I'm really glad you're in a better place now.

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he laid out his heart to you and you rejected him.

And it was a hard "no" - not "i would love to be your girlfriend. I really want to sort out my issue with booze/grandma issues/eating disorders so that i can be a good place with it. will you wait for me?" Honestly, if he was a guy who was with you through thick and thin, it wouldn't matter and there was no need to wait.

I mean, you were practically dating anyhow.

 

I do think he looks better now that he is with someone as much as you don't want to admit it. But truly, people don't wait around after they are rejected. They move on. you can't get that back

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he laid out his heart to you and you rejected him.

And it was a hard "no" - not "i would love to be your girlfriend. I really want to sort out my issue with booze/grandma issues/eating disorders so that i can be a good place with it. will you wait for me?" Honestly, if he was a guy who was with you through thick and thin, it wouldn't matter and there was no need to wait.

I mean, you were practically dating anyhow.

 

I do think he looks better now that he is with someone as much as you don't want to admit it. But truly, people don't wait around after they are rejected. They move on. you can't get that back

 

Amen.

 

The fact that you attempted a preemptive strike of saying you want to be with him because youre 'better now' and not because of the girlfriend is quite frankly insulting.

 

He was your toy and now that someone else has it you want it back.

 

I cant call what you did to him love, it was like a cat playing with the mouse instead of eating it. Human beings arent play things. This pain that you feel, own it, you most certainly earned it. Did you ruin your life? Of course not, but you do need to kick yourself for thinking it was ok to treat people the way you did.

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Hi,

 

I am so sorry for what you are going through and I have been there myself.

 

I wish I had something better to tell you, but I can only be honest. You need to leave him alone and let him enjoy his relationship. You need to think about what *he* wants, if indeed you really love him.

 

More importantly however we need to address the fact that you're doubting yourself. If ever you think you're not ready for something, follow that instinct. You didn't get into a relationship with him for very valid reasons. It's easy to kick yourself after the fact, but anything could have happened had you hooked with him when he wanted to. It's important imo that you stop thinking that everything would be fine if you had done differently. Trust yourself. And btw, I'm really glad you're in a better place now.

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. I was having serious personal problems I don't feel comfortable sharing (even anonymously) and seriously considering suicide. I cry thinking about that time in my life. I can't believe I'm in a better place now, I thought it would never happen. I would have probably done it if it wasn't for him.

 

I do really love him, yes. I want him to be as happy as he can be. If he truly is happier with her than he would be with me, I want him to be with her.

 

Thank you for your kind words again :). You seem like a really good, sensible person. I thought everyone would think it is a "you only want what you can't have" type of situation, and it isn't. It is more complicated than that.

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Amen.

 

The fact that you attempted a preemptive strike of saying you want to be with him because youre 'better now' and not because of the girlfriend is quite frankly insulting.

 

He was your toy and now that someone else has it you want it back.

 

I cant call what you did to him love, it was like a cat playing with the mouse instead of eating it. Human beings arent play things. This pain that you feel, own it, you most certainly earned it. Did you ruin your life? Of course not, but you do need to kick yourself for thinking it was ok to treat people the way you did.

 

I appreciate your opinion and I understand why you would think that, but that is not true. If you knew me or the whole situation, you would understand. I am so not that type of person and I could never treat someone that way. He was never "my toy", ever. I love him so much (as a person, first and foremost, and I want him to be happy). I told him to live his life because I thought it would be years before I was ready, if ever. I truly am "better now". It is not an "attempted preemptive strike". I had/have serious personal problems and was in pro bono therapy for years. I actually thought I was protecting him by not getting into a relationship with him and I was. I was seriously considering suicide and couldn't think of anything else, much less being entertained treating someone "as a toy". Believe me, I am not that type of person. Again, I understand and respect your opinion, it is hard understanding the situation because I didn't give more details, but, again, what you are saying is far from the truth.

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At the end of the day, accept that your friend has since been spoken for. He's taken. You need to respect that instead of thinking you let a good one get away or let a good catch get away. Hindsight is always 20 / 20.

 

All you can do is move forward with your life. I'm sure you kick yourself now with a world of regrets now that his attention and focus are no longer on you anymore and rightly so. His loyalty and devotion are now with his girlfriend which is how it should be.

 

Move on and you'll be ready for a good relationship with another guy. Try not to have regrets and beat yourself up over this. Life happens. Your friend moved on as should you. He has a new life without you and you should have a new life without him as well. You can find happiness with someone else. It's a great big world out there and another special guy is out there for you.

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I'm gonna go with Keep it to yourself" as well. I don't think it's fair to interfere with his new relationship. Be respectful.

 

While I personally have recommended a potentially different approach, I can easily concur with this recommendation...and Cherylyn's, too.

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I appreciate your opinion and I understand why you would think that, but that is not true. If you knew me or the whole situation, you would understand. I am so not that type of person and I could never treat someone that way.

 

You mean having a man there for emotional support, knowing full well he wanted more?

 

He was never "my toy", ever.

 

we used to kiss on the lips sometimes, sleep on the same bed, cuddle. We don't do that anymore, of course) and because he is spending time with her that he used to spend with me

 

This^ was hurtful and confusing.

 

 

I love him so much (as a person, first and foremost, and I want him to be happy). I told him to live his life because I thought it would be years before I was ready, if ever.

 

So mean what you say and leave him alone...

 

 

I truly am "better now". It is not an "attempted preemptive strike". I had/have serious personal problems and was in pro bono therapy for years. I actually thought I was protecting him by not getting into a relationship with him and I was.

 

No...you weren't protecting him, if you were you would have cut contact because you knew he had feelings for you...

 

I was seriously considering suicide and couldn't think of anything else, much less being entertained treating someone "as a toy". Believe me, I am not that type of person. Again, I understand and respect your opinion, it is hard understanding the situation because I didn't give more details, but, again, what you are saying is far from the truth.

 

Again...but thats exactly what you did...he entertained you...he wanted a relationship and you refused while keeping him around as well...I'll let you label it... Im truly happy youve gotten yourself back onto your feet, but I do not think it is fair to interfere in their relationship, if after a while he gravitates back to you, so be it, but real life isn't a romance novel or Hallmark movie, you're attempting to romanticize codependency...and its not romantic, its unhealthy...

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I appreciate your opinion and I understand why you would think that, but that is not true. If you knew me or the whole situation, you would understand. I am so not that type of person and I could never treat someone that way. He was never "my toy", ever. I love him so much (as a person, first and foremost, and I want him to be happy). I told him to live his life because I thought it would be years before I was ready, if ever. I truly am "better now". It is not an "attempted preemptive strike". I had/have serious personal problems and was in pro bono therapy for years. I actually thought I was protecting him by not getting into a relationship with him and I was. I was seriously considering suicide and couldn't think of anything else, much less being entertained treating someone "as a toy". Believe me, I am not that type of person. Again, I understand and respect your opinion, it is hard understanding the situation because I didn't give more details, but, again, what you are saying is far from the truth.

 

"i have personal problems and can't date right now" is for someone new who asks you out.

If you cuddle in bed, kiss, "netflix and chill" with a guy, and confide him and he asks to make it official and you reject him -- you were already treating him like a boyfriend - so why did you reject him, exactly? Nothing would have really changed except a label.

 

You need to respect his relationship - find new friends - don't hang out with him much or at all. Confessing anything while he is in a relationship is manipulative.

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