Two dates, went amazing, then still strange texts and less talk. Lost interest?

So, let me start from the very beginning. It will be bit long, but I guess it's important to know the behind story.

I'm a 22 years old guy, who have been using Tinder for 1+ years, had some minor dates but only out of curiosity, because I have like zero experience in this (I had a girlfriend 4 years ago but the relationship was evolved from a friendship, so different stuff).

I did not have that much interest in the girls I had dates with, they were fine but couldn't feel "the spark", or anything that is supposed to be felt.

Then, all of a sudden, I was in the middle of writing my thesis for my BA studies at uni, and I saw this really cute girl (19 years old) with funny pictures and a well-written bio that grabbed my attention. I superliked her, she liked me back - nothing extraordinary yet, this happened several times before. Fortunately, I had the courage to text her. The texting phase went pretty well, we were sending super long messages (I had to scroll hella lot to read one "package", and it took ~20 mins to type an answer). These texts were about literally everything, we even got into deeper topics, like each others' mental health issues, past traumas, etc. It was not a forced "what's ur fav movie, book, etc." talk, it was like telling stories to each other. This lasted for a week, then we switched to Messenger. The super long texts continued. As I was getting closer to the deadline of my thesis, we started to send shorter, but more frequent messages.

After one week on messenger, she invited me on a date (since I was the one who texted first on Tinder and who had the idea to go to Messenger, I was super happy about this balance). We had the date after the day I handed in my thesis. And, just... whoah! Never had that feeling. I had a concept about how a perfect date would look like, but it went pretty much above that. We spent 8 hours together from 6PM to 2AM in a park drinking some wine and vodka, after that we walked 1 hours on the river bank to her bus. We were talking and laughing non-stop, I felt like a happy kid beside her. When we arrived to her bus, she didn't really want to go. After we said goodbye, she immediately texted me about the next date.

Untill the next date, everything went pretty fine, just like before - it happened 5 days later. During the two dates, I got to know that she told her mother about me (a little bit , but okay) and we also got ideas for the upcoming dates. These were a little too "advanced" for me, but it did not bother me cause our things were going really well.

The second date was just like the first: park, wine, vodka, lot of talk and fun things. We were walking holding hands for a while but no more physical connection. She seemed to be insecure about that but did not release my hand.

In the upcoming 2 days, everything continued fine, but when I asked her about the next date, she said she will be in her hometown this weekend and after that, the next week she will be busy with school stuff (she is studying arts, i know it can get rough when art projects are coming to deadlines in the final weeks). We couldn't find an option for a new date by this time.

So, the bad part starts here. In this weekend (before the "busy week"), she just randomly told me that she is not able to imagine herself in a relationship, because she has some bad experiences from her exes (she has 3 exes, all her relationships were shorter than 4-5 months), and she does not want to hurry or force anything on herself, because she thinks that most people today just got obsessed with the idea and concept of relationship and only want the relationship, and not the person. That was the content of this, but it was a really long message with broad explanation.

I took it as an instant refusal. Half a day later, I replied to her, wrote my experiences, my thought about this topic. As a last message (with the encouragement of my best friend and a bottle of wine) I wrote that I too do not want to hurry or force anything, and that I like her, so I don't want to put pressure her. For the latter one, she wrote that she really does not want to hurry the things and that she is reluctant about relationships, but it's just a current state, and everything could shape, and she does not want to lock away herself from anything good, since she likes me too.

This is what happened exactly one week ago. In the last week, we did not met. The messaging is still constant, but much rarer than before. I'm not a great observer, but as far as I can see, the style did not change, we talk in the same manner as we used to before this weird stuff last weekend. But we only have like 3-4 message "packages" exchanged (I use the word packages because I refer to more than one message, in which we react to the other half's messages), and sometimes she does not react to mine, just write about some other stuff. Also, once when it took me too much time to react she duoble texted something like "naah, dont just ignore me". She still sends pictures of herself sometimes. As I know, the biggest project in her uni is due to next Wednesday, and even though she is busy, she went out for a drink with her friends last night, from where she sent me some pics and videos.

The positive side of me says that she is really busy right now, and she just want to have a quality time with me, that's why she is waiting, and with all the pics and stuff she wants to show that she is still interested in me, and with the "not able to imagine herself in a relationship" stuff she just wanted to state that she takes me seriously, but she is afraid because of her past traumas, yet she felt comfortable share this thought with me cause she sees a chance in me.

The negative side of me tell me that despite of the sparkling Tinder and Messenger texting era, plus the two great dates, the monologue from last weekend was a refusal and a closing for this thing, that's why the idea of a new date did not come up (even though she has time for others), and that's why she texts me less often (or sometimes she barely texts), ignoring some of my messages.

Sorry if this turned out really long but I wanted to tell everything in order to give a full picture to anyone who is willing to help me. And comment is appreciated, feel free to be honest.

What do you think of this story? Which side of me is right? And what should I do, what should I expect?

I would say your negative side is right.

If she was interested in you, she'd be available. It sounds like she liked you just enough to go out with you...and then lost attraction. The decreasing messages is pretty telling.

I would stop initiating contact with her...and when she reaches out, say "hey, great to hear from you - would love to see you, when are you free?" And that's it. No response, and you get your answer.

If she responds saying she's busy, then just say "okay, great...well if you find some time, just hit me up."

It's game playing...but whatever...it works...IF she's interested in any way. Some people want a challenge....you're not one now. Sorry. Stop messaging so much unless it's to get a date.

Mentally though - write her off...she's gone.

Look, a lot of people—and, for a minute, you became one of them—really like using apps like Tinder to forge text message "relationships" with people. They can get a taste of connection and sizzle—flirting a bit, having "deep" chats about life, exchanging some selfies, and so on—without actually connecting.

Sounds like that's really all she's got fuel for, at least with you.

In your shoes, I'd take this as a little lesson. Don't bother with the long texting stuff with strangers on apps. It's a waste of time and emotional energy, barely different than crushing on a celebrity by scrolling through their Instagram feed. It's not real.

Think of the apps only as platforms to facilitate meeting in real life. Use them for that, and that only. If the meet goes well, suggest another, and so on. Let all feelings be gauged about what happens face to face, not on a screen. Let the big stuff—mental health, past traumas, etc.—unfold over time, like months, and not over seconds in pixels. It's easy on a screen, because it's basically talking to a mirror; it can also, as you've learned, be really shallow even when it felt momentarily deep.

So, chin up, let this fade to make room for someone who is, you know, real—and really excited to see more than twice.

I have to say, I'd be quickly unimpressed by dates in the park with vodka. If that doesn't scream get drunk and get laid, I don't know what else does. Sure, you're texts were all deep and mind-blowing, and then your two meets were vodka in the park...wow. As your date, I would think you were blowing a lot of hot air in text, platitudes and promises...and not a lot to offer in person. Surely if you could spend $10-20-$50 on vodka and wine, you could have maybe...I dunno...bought a lunch or dinner, a movie, bowling, goofy golf...surely a guy that is smart enough to write a thesis can come up with something more than vodka in the park.

Sure, there was that initial spark, both in text and that first meeting, but upon the second date...vodka...park...do you think maybe she became nonplussed with you? It's just really boozy and sex-oriented and unimaginative, despite you-re not pulling any moves...which is probably a really good thing. Everything you describe just sort of ends in the glory of the text. The reality is vodka in the park...a guy that was too busy for too long and then finally agrees to meet...which she had to initiate...and it's two dates of vodka in the park.

The next issue is her so-called profound damage from past relationships. Dating sucks and we all get hurt. Some relationships take longer to heal...we all know this, and we also know that when someone tosses out the "hurt" card, you might be walking straight into the abandoned luggage bin. She's also claiming "busy," and you were "too busy" as well, so you kind of have to be patient with this, but I think she put it out there...she's either using the "damaged" card to let you down gently, or she's using the "busy" card to let you down gently, or she is truly damaged, and you just don't want to go there.

I wonder if you could recover this by offering a date that doesn't include drinking and maybe has more substance than vodka in the park.

I have to say, I'd be quickly unimpressed by dates in the park with vodka. If that doesn't scream get drunk and get laid, I don't know what else does. Sure, you're texts were all deep and mind-blowing, and then your two meets were vodka in the park...wow. As your date, I would think you were blowing a lot of hot air in text, platitudes and promises...and not a lot to offer in person. Surely if you could spend $10-20-$50 on vodka and wine, you could have maybe...I dunno...bought a lunch or dinner, a movie, bowling, goofy golf...surely a guy that is smart enough to write a thesis can come up with something more than vodka in the park.

 

Sure, there was that initial spark, both in text and that first meeting, but upon the second date...vodka...park...do you think maybe she became nonplussed with you? It's just really boozy and sex-oriented and unimaginative, despite you-re not pulling any moves...which is probably a really good thing. Everything you describe just sort of ends in the glory of the text. The reality is vodka in the park...a guy that was too busy for too long and then finally agrees to meet...which she had to initiate...and it's two dates of vodka in the park.

 

The next issue is her so-called profound damage from past relationships. Dating sucks and we all get hurt. Some relationships take longer to heal...we all know this, and we also know that when someone tosses out the "hurt" card, you might be walking straight into the abandoned luggage bin. She's also claiming "busy," and you were "too busy" as well, so you kind of have to be patient with this, but I think she put it out there...she's either using the "damaged" card to let you down gently, or she's using the "busy" card to let you down gently, or she is truly damaged, and you just don't want to go there.

 

I wonder if you could recover this by offering a date that doesn't include drinking and maybe has more substance than vodka in the park.

Wow, chill a bit, that vodka thing really pissed you off as I can see. Actually, SHE was the one bringing the vodka. We both agreed before the date that it should include some kind of alcohol since we are both social-drinkers. I prefer open-air meeting over bar or restaurant or etc. concerning basically everything, even if we talk about only just a beer with my guy friends. She is new to the city, she does not know that many places, so it was obvious that I should be the one defining the place of the date, so I asked her if she would prefer a bar or something or an open-air place. We discussed that we both prefer parks, so I offered two options to choose from.

I also don't understand why is it a problem that she came up with the idea of the first meeting. After that, we planned the place and the time together. What's more, it was me who texted her on Tinder first and then asked for Messenger, I don't see why it's necessary for the guys to initiate everything.

1) be the one who asks for a date, a lateral move from this messaging to that is not meaningful or "balanced".

2) you need to come up with much better date ideas, stop getting drunk and stop doing the same lazy thing for date two. That's when she suddenly got "too busy" to date.

What do you mean by "a little too advanced"? Put some effort into dating besides just picking up booze.

After one week on messenger, she invited me on a date (since I was the one who texted first on Tinder and who had the idea to go to Messenger, I was super happy about this balance).

 

We spent 8 hours together from 6PM to 2AM in a park drinking some wine and vodka, after that we walked 1 hours on the river bank to her bus.

we also got ideas for the upcoming dates. These were a little too "advanced" for me

The second date was just like the first: park, wine, vodka, lot of talk and fun things.