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Thread: Advice on dating a quiet person

  1. #1
    Member FleurDeLys's Avatar
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    Advice on dating a quiet person

    Hi all, I'd like to get some advice here from people who have been in similar situations to mine or are quiet people.
    I've been dating a guy for over a month now. I really like him but he's the opposite personality type of whom I usually date so I'm not sure how to go about this. As mentioned in the title, he's the really quiet type and doesn't speak much at all. It is not something I mind, I actually like that about him and that we can just sit and enjoy each other company without having to talk all the time. But the thing is, I'm wondering how can I get to truly know him when he rarely speaks about himself. I've tried to ask him questions, share a bit of personal stuff about myself to make him comfortable, but his answers are always pretty short and concise. He's like that with friends, too.

    Do people who doesn't speak much need time before they get comfortable? If anyone has or is dating someone who's quiet, Is it possible to develop a deep bond with someone when they scarcely share things about themselves? I don't wanna come off as pushy or make him uncomfortable, but there are times when I'd like to know more about him, what makes him happy... Myself I'm pretty straight forward and communicative when I feel comfortable enough with someone, so it's sometimes a bit tricky to get what's going on in his mind. So if anyone has advice on how can I approach this, that would be appreciated :)

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Sometimes people who are quiet are doers. My husband likes to do things not necessarily talk about them . He is not much of a talker unless it is his favourite topics. Sometimes you have to wait for them to talk and it takes longer to get to know them .

    My son talks even less than my husband. And you really have to work to get to know him . It takes a long time. But it doesnít mean heís unhappy with you .

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    Have you considered him being on the autism spectrum? Perhaps he's had trouble communicating with others in the past, so he's naturally built up his guard to avoid being misunderstood or hurt.

    This isn't a fix, but a possible explanation.

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    I would never, ever jump to any conclusion of him being on the spectrum or anything abnormal just because he is quiet. When I was 19-20 I dated a lovely guy who was 5 years older than me. He was very quiet and I was -and am -more like you. It really felt like pulling teeth at times. He also was on the colder side -he cared a great deal about me and was very giving and thoughtful but just was distant otherwise - stoic. So was his dad. After about a year of dating -and breaking up one time in the middle -he finally told me- quietly -that this is the way he is, take it or leave it. Not in a mean way at all -he had no intention of changing or being more talkative. At my age/stage I just ended things - for mostly that reason -i couldn't see long term with that dynamic and yes he was cute, smart, great person. Decide if you can accept this about him. Or not.

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  6. #5
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    My husband is not on the spectrum but son is and both are not avid conversationalists. I know a girl on the spectrum and you canít shut her up.

    Each person is different .

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    I am going to go against the grain and say that if you are actually dating -- and its not just trying to talk to a guy you meet at the store -- that if he can't carry on any conversation with you its because he is not very enthused. My guy is not one to strike up conversations with strangers, and unless a topic interests him, he is not much of a talker to new people, but if he really clicks with someone, conversation flows very naturally. We talk A LOT with eachother. The only asterisk on that is - are you doing physical activities together at all - or are you just sitting and talking?

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    I stop trying to date quiet people long ago. It's just not a trait I like. Don't try to put square pegs in round holes.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He doesn't like idle chatter. That's fine. My husband and I are like that also but then things often go for a spin and we end up talking about anything from work to dark sky preserves to what's in season at the store or an upcoming vacation for the family.

    Give your relationship time to grow and develop. You're rushing things a little too fast I think. Limit your time with each other also. If you're spending hours and hours together just sitting around, shorten it because it's becoming stagnant.

    He may even feel your questions a bit leftfield and unnecessary. Give yourselves 2-3 hours tops and then make your loving and polite exit and move on with your day. Part about keeping that spark alive is knowing when to save things for the next time too.

    He needs to take initiative too and show that he's interested in your life outside of the relationship. Do you feel that he shows interest in you as a person at all?

  10. 05-21-2019, 08:10 PM


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